The longer I take to write it out, the more it seems to jam inside, like... constipation. (I'm hungry. Being hungry also makes my brain shut down).
The thing is, a lot of the things I want to say are negative. But maybe negativity is not the right thing for the moment. I get the vibe that there are too many negative comments, too many but-it-shouldn't-bes, too many put-downs. Maybe what we need now are constructive comments, suggestions for improvement, timely reminders; just people who will pull together and work together with concerted effort.
Definitely there is much to be done. Obviously there is much that is lacking. Practically... it's time to just get on with what needs to be done. Just DO it, like Nike lambastes us (I'm not sure if that is the right word, but my head still hurts). There isn't space or time for worrying about why other people aren't doing it, and why they should be - but to just give all that we have out of the revelation that we have.
Me being the ever-neurotic, self-doubting person, I started to wonder if I was merely putting on a show every week when I was on duty because the most persistent comment I received was about me being lively on stage. (That doesn't sound very well put together but never mind.) The thing is, God's presence sometimes seems so illusory, so vague and ungraspable, but I want that. I want all that I've ever felt and experienced in worship elsewhere to be so tangible and real right here as well. But it seems so hard to catch. I think I am a rather all-or-nothing person.
Worship is expressive. I can't be on stage and not express. I can't sing a worship song and not try to catch that glimpse of God. I can't sing a praise song and not want to clap my hands or dance. (Though I'm getting old and tired and out of shape.) Sometimes it seems fake. Yes it does. I'm not denying it. Sometimes it's an effort, just saying, I'm so tired right now and this is just a repetition of the last few weeks. But there is a crying out.
There was this bit in Darlene Zschech's book, Extravagant Worship, that I had been rereading a while ago. And I wanted to share it, but I didn't, and now, I've lost it again, but (and here I'm rambling because I'm tired) I guess what I wanted to say is that worship really needs to be wholehearted. To quote (the book):
In 2 Chronicles, Solomon often refers to the whole-hearted devotion of King David and the men and women of God that served in the House. A whole-hearted approach releases God's hand.These passages of Scripture talk about King Amaziah and his reign. The first half of the book is all about victory, talking about his obedience to God, and the second half is all about his defeat and his disobedience. Right in the middle there, I noticed the Scripture where it says that 'he served well as in the eyes of the Lord but not wholeheartedly'. I wonder whether or not his half-hearted attitude was the start of his decline? He was seen doing the right thing (he served well) but his approach was not whole-hearted and that was the issue. King Amaziah's heart wandered and he started to walk in disobedience.God's hand is limited when your heard is misdirected. Anything you desire to be great at needs to be approached wholeheartedly. When it comes to living as a worshipper in His House, there is no other way.
I do what I do because that is what giving my all entails. My all includes hands that clap until they turn red, singing until I am hoarse, jumping until I am out of breath. Even when I wonder why I do the things I do, I realise that for me, not to do them would be more of a fakery than when I do. It would be half-hearted worship.
I should stop here because I'm beginning to ramble.
And yet, so much more to vomit out... (oh headache, go away)