The answer is sometimes I do and sometimes I don't, but the heart of the matter remains pursuing the heart of God. It's a matter of pursuing the songs on my heart, even though sometimes the songs may be new. The songs may be difficult. But these are the songs of God for the moment. Maybe for me personally, maybe for the Church as a whole. I don't know. I just sing.
What I know is that this morning, I couldn't stop crying. I am majorly stressed and my body is telling me all about it. I wanted to cancel out, I wanted to be that irresponsible, shirking person I always get irritated at and want to slap, but I am glad I didn't. Because I stepped into church, and they were practicing my song, and everything changed.
There is power in praise and there is power in worship and there is great power in the Name of Jesus. When I picked the songs on Wednesday night (or was it Thursday?) it was just a song that was hanging around in my head, and I was going yes, that would be a great song, a great theme. Then I got buried in a load of work and stress and I looked at the songs and went, yes that's what I need. I need to know that His Name is my strong tower and my shelter and I can run to it to be safe. I need to know that His love is amazing and that it's wide and deep and great and I can't understand it, but I know it.
I wanted to title this post 'chicken' because I have been chicken (and I love chicken. nyum! ahha) but then again, I'm finding my way. I'm finding the steps He has prepared and it doesn't matter if I'm a little chicken once in a while because it just makes Him all the bigger.
Today Ps Margaret from TCC spoke in church and she said that she felt there were a lot of people at crossroads in their lives right now. And then it struck me. A few months ago when they were last up from Singapore, I was still ambivalent. I was in the worship team, yes, but I was still wondering if I really was in the wrong place. Whether I should actually be packing my bags and heading off to the holy grail of Malaysia and I asked her to pray with me. I don't remember the actual words she said, but was something like God doesn't ask you to stay for nothing but to ask God to give me something to stay for.
I think I have.