What have you given up?
How much more of the past do you need to let go of?
How much more of the present do you need to relinquish your grasp on?
How much more of the future do you need to open up to God's guiding hand?
Is living a long life enough? Or is living a full life your goal?
To live a life of conviction needs more than your words and actions. It requires a focused faith, a dedicated mind, a purposeful obedience.
To learn to give your life - your heart, mind, soul and strength - to Him requires more than you can imagine.
Do you imagine that you are ready to offer Him continual sacrifices each day of your life? If you do, think again - you have a much longer and more ardous road to travel than plagues your nightmares.
And yet...
Dear God,
You alone know my heart. You alone know my dreams. You alone know my soul, inside out. To say that I know myself would be lie. I don't know why I do the things I do, I don't know why I think the way that I do, but You do. You do because You created me.
Your work is exquisite, and You have been telling me over and over again that I am beautiful, because You created me and have called me beautiful. Sometimes it's hard to believe, but then You just do something so awesome within me and without, that I start believing it.
You gave Your life for me, and to worship You would require all that I am. I don't know if I'm ready to give it, I don't know if I am capable of giving it, but what I know is that I am willing to give it. I don't know how, I don't know when.
For now, I'll wait.
There are so many things You're starting in me and through me, and I'm beginning to get overwhelmed. But I'm getting there. It's little steps at a time, and I believe Your hand is in it, and on it, and around it and throught it, and just permeating every bit of it.
So I'll wait here, and rest here, even as I gear up to all that You would have me do, knowing that You will not require of me more than I am capable of giving at each step.
Thank You, Lord.
You're more than enough for me.
In Your precious name,
Amen.
*biggie smiles*
It has not been a very good day today.
I think I'm having PMS and I'm feeling depressed.
Dad prayed for Judson today, saying there was an anointing on his life. He'd talked about Pin and how he has a tremendous anointing for worship. I don't know why I was jealous. I don't know why I am.
It's just that there are so many things that I think I should be that I am not. There are so many things that I think I should do that I don't. There are so many things that I want to do but never do. I want to be anointed for the ministry, but I don't have enough passion. I cannot create passion.
There is a depth I seem to aspire for in my heart, in my dreams, in my mind. In my thoughts I should be there. I should have sustained it from before, I should have gone on higher and deeper. But I haven't. There's been a failure on my part to continue on, to continue pressing on.
I feel like the little duckling in Lilo and Stitch. You know the little cartoon pic that Stitch looks at and then goes into the jungle to see if he can find his family? That little duckling with a tear in his eye crying out "I'm lost!"
I feel sidelined by the church and by the leaders and by the people but I know that I have done nothing yet to be worthy of praise, I have not shown commitment or passion to take up seriously what I said I would do. It's just little me, doing little me-things, trying to fit in. Again. And so I feel underappreciated when I really haven't done anything to be appreciated for.
And in all this, I know I've lost the main focus who should be Jesus. I know I'm majoring on the minors, and feeling hurt for no apparent good reason. But it's so hard to fix your eyes on something you cannot see. It's so hard to fix your eyes on something that you feel has passed you by, yet again.
I read the first two chapters of Drawing Near by John Bevere, and I think it was chapter one that says that sometimes, like the disciples in the boat, Jesus walks as if to pass us by. But the disciples called out to Him, and and He stopped - and Peter walked on water. I feel as if Jesus was walked by and I have wanted to call Him, but I have missed the chance. Again.
I really don't know why, but I've always felt that somehow, God has passed me by. I feel as if He's gone "Oh, Deborah - good! Anna - hmm... well, maybe. David - wonderful! Joshua - brilliant!"
I know it's not true. But it's how I feel all the same.
Dear God, just love on me today.
I thought of it once as being in the shadow of a father of faith.
I realised that it's actually more of standing on the shoulders of giants and trying to stay balanced.
Precarious, but infinitely intoxicating.
He's the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.
Whilst we understand Abraham and his journey of faith, as well as Jacob and his wrestling with God, we hardly realise that living as Isaac is more than it seems. It's more than merely being blessed. It's also learning how to live blessed and at peace, learning how to receive - learning to live under grace. It's understanding that God will provide, no matter how bad the circumstance appears to our eyes, and knowing when NOT to fight for our rights.
We're notoriously bad at receiving, and Isaac tells us that we can.
Like Isaac, our parents have lived a life of faith and stepped out to serve God in whatever ways they could. Like Isaac, we find ourselves standing in their shadow of faith and grace. Like Isaac, we find ourselves showered with so many gifts from God that it seems as if we will never figure out how to use each and every one of them to its full potential.
Isaac tells us we can - if we learn to rest in God, like he did.
But we don't merely stay in their shadow. We climb on their shoulders and learn to stand there, balanced, ready to reach greater heights for Him. And to be able to stand there means we must learn to hold on to Him, and cry like Jacob that we will not let Him go until He blesses us.
He
danced over me
He
sang my name
Beautiful you are
Beautiful you will be
To the end of time
The
stars swirled in their places
The
ir majesty a token of love
Beautiful you are
Beautiful you will be
Because you are mine
You've dedicated yourself; consecrated your life.
So what now?
The hype of the moment has passed, and the fervency has spluttered out. Now this is the main test of how strong you are, how dedicated and persistent you are. How serious are you with what you've said?
Things still need to be digested and thought through - true enough. But when will you do it? It's always after this, after that, when this is done, when I've settled that.
Dying to yourself is something that needs to be done everyday.
Why don't you start with here and now?
The other night I was about to sleep, and I had this really strange thought. About faithfulness. It goes something like this:
Being faithful doesn't necessarily mean that you love only one person. The test of faithfulness is when you are faced with the inclination of love for another, but choose not to pursue or entertain it because of the love you have declared and committed to with your spouse.
What does this mean? It means that because you have committed and declared your love to someone, you will stick to it, even though at times you may feel that you don't love him or her anymore (but you really do). And it is this faithfulness that will grow into a deeper love and trust over time.
I don't know how weird this may sound, but I do think that I want my spouse to be someone I'm so close and comfortable with that I can tell him that I think another guy is cute without him getting upset, or me feeling trashy. I don't want to mind being told by him that he things another girl is pretty, and I don't want to get jealous. The thing is, to get to that kind of state, there must have been some kind if trust or faithfulness test, where I will have the knowledge and certainty that even if I'm not the prettiest, I'm the one that he has chosen. The thing is, to get to that kind of state, you must really believe in that love. It's like in the book "The Age of Innocence" where May tells her son that they can trust Newland Archer, because he gave up what he wanted most (Madame Olenska) for his earlier love and declaration for May.
That is commitment. That is faithfulness. And that is true love.
Do you figure that faithfulness to God is not just that we love Him because He is the only way? But also that we love him more and choose to love Him over all the other passions and idols in our lives.
There can be no faithfulness if there has been no choice.
But what does it mean: to bless the heart of God?
What does it mean to bless someone?
To do what's nice for them. To give them something of yourself. To give them something out of the overflow of your heart. To give them something that they want.
How do you bless the heart of God?
By giving your all.
We need to realise that life really isn't about us. Yes, we were created specially by God for a purpose, but life, and the world, doesn't revolve around us. It revolves around God.
What is giving your all?
Giving your all is when you give the best of yourself, the best of your ability, no strings attached. You're not expecting anything in return. You're not twisting God's arm and saying, "Hey God, I'm doing this for you, so you better do something nice for me in return." No. You're being totally selfess here, saying, "God, this is all I have. And this is all I can do. I'm doing my best, and I hope you like it. I hope you can use it."
Sometimes I feel so negative when I hear what the fireBRANDs are doing now. We (older) youths start saying things like, "but why aren't they doing this and that? Can't they plan this and that?" I do think it's important to remember that yes, maybe that is the proper way to do it, maybe they are being a bit disorganised or overoptimistic and yet - it's their show now. The ball is in their court, our complaining and being negative isn't going to do anything to make it any better short of us stepping in and taking over.
And that is NOT what we want to do. That is NOT what they want either.
It may not be our best, but it may be their best.
I'm sorry, God. I'm being irritable and negative. I don't know if I'm just feeling "out of it" because I'm not in the leadership anymore. I don't know if I'm just feeling a little jealous.
I don't know their motives, I can't read the state of their hearts, and frankly God, I don't need to. I'm telling myself to shut up if I can't be supportive.
I do think that their hearts are true, no matter how haphazard their planning seems to be. I know that this perceived laxity is more to do with their 'culture' and most probably does not detract from their fervency for You.
God, I want to believe the best of them, even though I sometimes can't see the commitment, or the passion. Wanting to serve you doesn't automatically make them the best, or the most angelic!
Teach me to be able to advice without being pushy, to help without taking from their authority. At the same time... I don't want to ignore. I don't want to just close one eye to things that could and should be done better.
You have given the authority to them. Help me to work under that authority.
Amen.
Here I am to worship
Here I am to bow down
Here I am to say that
You're my God
You're altogether lovely
Altogether worthy
Altogether wonderful
To me
I can't sing this song without remembering her. Let's call her... L. I can't really remember her name anymore - I think I know it, but I might be mistaken, and I don't want to accidentally call her by someone else's name.
I didn't really know her. She came for camp once, and I could have met her once or twice after that, but that's all. I don't know if she's still alive. There's this thought in my head, that she might not be, but I don't know if it was just a silly thought, or a mixed up message, or whether it's true and I heard it somewhere.
L was having a "troubled" time. She was on crutches at camp. They said she was high on drugs and tried to commit suicide. Her mind was already a bit warped from the drugs. She was a rich kid. It was the first time that I ever heard that people in church could teach you to use drugs. But that's what I heard. Everything I know, or think I know, about her is hearsay. I don't know the truth.
All I can tell you about L from personal experience is this: walking back to my room at camp, and seeing her sit outside singing that chorus while waiting for her room leader to come with the key. I think we entered my room, and she sat down to wait, still singing that chorus.
She really loved the song.
Every time we sing that song now, I think of her, though I didn't really know her. It's beautiful to know that no matter how lost she may have been, or how far away from God at that point of time, she could still say, "hey, I may not be the best of Christians, and I know I messed up big time, but You're still my God, I'll still worship You, and you know what? You're still wonderful, even if my life isn't," through that song.
Muse: but what does it really mean, to "bless the heart of God"?
A blog has a purpose.
The one at tabulas would be for normal updates. You know, updates as in for randomness, life experiences, blah-dee-blahs.
This one... well, I've always wanted a space for y'know, deeper stuff. But I know not everyone wants to read them - those loooonnnggg posts that expound and talk, and raise questions. They need space. And I guess tabulas is not the place. Too many people. Too many churchmates, friends, authorities (read: parents, uncles and aunties) that might start asking me awkward questions that I don't want to answer.
Rules for this blog?
Do comment. Give me your views. Tell me if I'm going heretic. But don't talk to me about it in real life, face-to-face. I can't handle that.
What's it going to be about?
Thoughts.
By the fireplace.
Notes from my erratic Bible studies.
Things y'know, that you think about. That you muse about.
Frustrations.
So, here's to thinking. *chinks glasses*
I hope I do.
