depressed

What is it about You that makes me want to run?
What is it about Your words that makes me afraid?
I don't want to know. I don't want to know. Idon'twannadon'twannadon'twannaknowknowknowknowknow
What don't I want to know?

I don't want to confront myself.
To see the ugliness I know hides inside.
All the things I should have, could have changed, but haven't.
All the things I should have, could have done, but haven't.

I identify with Moses. I'm frustrated.
I don't know if I'm in the right place, with the right people, at the right time. All I see is the low level of commitment, the idiocy of the people and their irresponsibility.
Kill me, I'm being judgemental. But I can't stand it, and I don't want to care anymore.

Can't I not care any more?
Can't I not feel hurt?
Why do I have to bother to try and gather to let them just... just... ignore me?
Why is this important to me? The church has survived without it for this long, it can go on surviving without it for much longer. It's not like they care, it's not like they want it.

Am I pushing my own agenda onto the Church?

Am I moving too fast in all the wrong places?
Am I even in the right place?

questions

Why all the knee-jerk reaction and back lash? What are you still trying to deny or avoid?
Where once there was surety and certainty, you have let your doubts and anxieties seep through to colour your lenses. Think again: is it God, or is it you?
Are you trying to run again, where you've always scattered and fallen?
Or will you pick yourself up, steel your nerves and carry on?
Like the bulldozer you are. And your father before you.
To push through.
To break through.

the church

The question is: is it fundamentally a problem with ME, or a problem with the church?

Does everyone, at one point or another, feel that church just isn’t the be-all and end-all of Christian life? What happens if you decide to leave the church? Or change churches?

I’ve come to a realisation that I actually do not have anything much to tie me to the church I’m in. I have friends, yes. I have acquaintances. I am involved, certainly. The thing is, I don’t know if it’s a fundamentally “me” problem, or if it’s a problem with the church, that causes me not to really bond or belong. It struck me on Sunday that I could just decide to leave, and not feel any emotional pangs or attachment to where I’ve been all these years. What happened?

The people I’ve grown up with have either moved away (permanently or temporarily) or our friendships have drifted apart somewhat. Then again, we never really had that close a friendship in the first place.

The one main bond I had that identified me strongly with the church I’m in was the fact that I was a PK – one of THE PKs. But now all that’s changed – or rather, is in the state of changing.

And there it is again. That thought. I could now, just leave silently, quietly, disappear. And I doubt I’d feel a thing. They may feel it, for a while. But then it would be nothing personal. It wouldn’t be the loss of a close friend, or a close working relationship. It would be just one less singer. One less worship leader. One less actor for a church that doesn’t do drama anyway.

I might have been sad about leaving the CAM, but it’s barely started anyway. There’s no fire. There are no passionate people. It feels like a one woman show. Just me, attempting again, where I once failed. And it may be a bad way to try to start something, but despite the hope and the passion, I have doubts that it will amount to much. I have doubts as to whether the church wants what I have to offer. I have doubts as to whether the people in the church care about what I’m trying to do.

It may really be a problem with me. I don’t fit in. I don’t stand out either. Nobody remembers those who don’t fit. And nobody remembers those who don’t stand out. To a certain extent, I have never really fit into any of the churches I’ve been in. Then again, where I have really belonged has been the CF. They have been a company of peers who have accepted, and made do, and pushed along.

He says not to forsake the company of the saints and the gathering together. Does it make a difference where you gather? It could be in this church, or another.

Would it seriously make a difference if I went or stayed?

The only holding me back right now is, as always, the responsibilities I have taken upon myself for the things I have committed to do.

But how long can mere responsibility tie me to a place I don’t really feel a part of?

sloppy living

What can you say when you see your friend falling apart? If I had the faith enough for the two of us, I'd offer him some, but I don't.
I don't understand life either, and I don't understand his problem. All I can offer is to listen and try not to condemn him.
I don't condemn him, but sometimes I feel like I would just like to give him a big slap - which won't do anything for him. I'd just feel a little better. This is why I'm not cut out to be a counselor and why I don't intend to be one.
But seriously - is there anything to say when someone has made up his mind not to care about the consequences of careless living? Is there anything to say when someone has deliberately decided to NOT live a life that is pleasing to God? It's not that he's stopped believing. He says that he does believe. But he just can't handle life as it is. Or maybe he just doesn't want to.
Or do I really mean 'a life that is pleasing to man'? The way we are supposed to live and act are so defined by culture and norms anyway, that maybe all that he's stopped doing is catering to man's expectations.

I've come to realise that I've been living incredibly sloppily for the past year. (To be seriously honest, for the whole of my life would be more like it.) I've been sloppy in my work... sloppy in the way I do things... extremely sloppy with spiritual disciplines... even sloppy with the things I love to do best - drama and writing!
This really has to change.
And it's going to.

To do only that which is necessary.
God, help me know what is necessary.

necessities

The theme that has been playing in my head has been this:

to do only that which is necessary

What does this mean?
It means that I have to start stream-lining my activities, and cutting down on idle time. It means that I must start to refocus my energies, my thoughts, my activities and all that defines me at this point of time, to that which is necessary - to that which is needful and useful for the Kingdom.

Amazingly, just thinking about this has started to bear fruit. I have cut down on some internet time, cut down on day-dreaming... neglected my poor script frenzy play...
and we are going to start promoting CAM in the church. We are going to start with YA. We are starting to move.

To do only that which is necessary. I need to stop wasting time.
Time is precious.
Time is life.
Life is precious.

write

Write it down.
But I can't.
It's all stuck up there
in my brain
and won't come out.

I don't know what I'm feeling
I don't know what I want
I don't know how to write it down

How do you put into words
Things that are unspeakable?
My heart is full
But I can't tell you what it's saying

Write it down
But I can't
I don't know how
to put into words
these thoughts

provocateur?

...You have been provoked much in the faith... you will be one who provokes others... a provocateur... you're so special... When God made you, he threw away the mold... God's put you on a pedestal... it's really not you... but you've become comfortable there... you're wondering what you're doing here...

I don't want to be here.
The pedestal doesn't belong to me. Only to You.
I don't want to be comfortable here.

Why provoke? You know I hate a fight. It makes me upset. It's hard. I don't like it.

I don't understand Your purposes.

And yet, not my will, but Yours be done.

enough

Far too much
My hands won't hold
Dreams too large
For my eyes to behold

My heart's not large enough
To hold all You will
And yet,
Let me be what You want me to be

You've given too much!
I can't handle all
that You want
All that You've said
All that You've given
Unless You handle it for me.

My hands won't hold
they're not strong enough.
My heart won't hold
it's not large enough
and yet You are enough
You are enough
Yes, You are.

Are these dreams of You?
But where else would they come from?
If You've birthed them, Lord,
You carry them through.
You pull them forth.
You wean them.
Nurture them.
I cannot.
Cannot.
Not without You.

Take them.
Use them as You will.

I am deathly afraid.
You are too big for me.
At times, I am too big for me.
I was not made for big things.
I am too afraid.

And yet,
Take me.
I will.
As You will.

PRAY

I know what you're trying to say.
I just don't know how to start.
I know.
I know.
I've known for a long time.
You've said it so many times. It just sometimes doesn't seem the easiest thing to do.
But I'll try. I'll start.
I need You to move.

IMPortant.
I Must Pray.
In Much Prayer.

Me, Head of Creative Arts and Dance?

That's what it says right there.

FGA Centre
Central Zone
Ministry: Creative Arts and Dance
Ministry Head: Anna Tan

WOW.

I'm struggling between two visions. "Bringing LIFE to the Word" per fireBRANDS D2 team, or "redeeming the arts for Christ."

I need a mission statement.

I need a core group.

This is troublesome, but trouble is GOOD. It's when I feel like I'm digging a hole to bury myself is when I also feel that I'm doing the most, and the best, for God. Or maybe I just like that "frantic" feeling. =)

I need to get out of cruise control. I need to stop this drift. I don't know where the drift is heading, but the drifting is getting bad.
FLEE THIS CREEPING COMPLACENCY!

The question I have is this: But do I know how to birth this dream?
I don't.
But He does.
And that is enough.

Who.What.How.

*dance like no one's watching*

I say, "Dive like you won't drown."

Hello, God.

It's me again. It has been a rather good day today, hasn't it? Irregardless. You know. =)

Somehow, it's nice to know that there are still people around me that I can really relate to. Thank you for the good people in my life.

Just to let you know, I'm still waiting.

Bring him soon, okay? =)

Good night.

anna.

passion

What happens to passion forgotten? Does it lie hidden under the trappings of life to emerge one fine day, pressing enough to move you?

What happens to passion ignored? Does it bury itself deeper and deeper into your psych until you throw up your hands and say 'I'll do it or I'll go crazy trying'?

What happens to passion cradled? Does it pull you apart as you try to balance life, and love, and work?

What happens to passion replaced? Does it make you wake up one day, regretting the time wasted on everything else?

What happens to passion? If it is not nurtured and worked on, encouraged to grow, you will forget, and you will replace, and you will wake up regretting.

I stand on the cusp of moving or breaking. I don't know how to press forward. But I can't go back. I can only go. Or fall. And I don't know how.

Drawing Near, Chapter One

"Draw near to God and He will draw near to you."

What if...
I haven't been listening?
He's been calling me and I haven't answered?
He was passing by and I did not cry out?

Maybe that's why I am where I am now. "between the lines of fear and blame"
The first step is, as always, to decide and will to draw near again. To seek. To pursue. To not let Him go.

Therefore we ought to give the more earnest heed to the things which we have heard, lest at any time we should let them slip.
Hebrews 2:1

Don't you think it's time to get back on track?

---

[3 December 2006]

IS this not the season?
Is this not the time to rise up in faith and obedience?
Is this not the time to press forward with the vision He has imparted?

THE TIME OF WAITING IS OVER.
The time of hiding has passed.

NOW pursue in faith and prayer, seeking to do His will in its perfect time.
New beginnings and the birthing of a vision will take time and hard work. It will not happen over days, weeks or months, but over a span of YEARS.
But it will not fail.

BELIEVE that this will be the first year in a span of many, the first birthing year for the laying of the vision, the communication of the plan and the gathering of the people.

There may be no fruits. There may be failures, tears and trials. But YOU have been anointed and commissioned by the prayers of the saints, the laying on of hands and the anointing of oil and if you hold on to that anointing, believing in faith and without doubt, you will see these things come to pass.

You will see songs of worship raised in fragrance to heaven.
You will see dances of praise choreographed for His glory.
You will see life-changing dramas written and acted that will speak truth to the nations.
You will see your words and books that will impact a generation through story.

And all this will be accomplished through God working in you and through you, with perseverance in prayer and intimacy in love; when you have lost yourself in His eyes of mercy and grace and found yourself as His child and beloved.

---

believe

receive

delight

a thought:

hidden.
Have they died?

of love

Love Will Make You Beautiful Lyrics
Artist(Band):The Afters

Time is slipping away
Days go by, fade away
With one eye opened, one closed
I think you know
Love will make you beautiful
Love will make you beautiful
Thoughts swirl, spinning around
Weary, falling down
When out of the darkness a hand
Reach out
Hold fast

~Chorus~
Love will make you beautiful
Love will make you beautiful

Turn round this time
Love is there to find
Lift your head and see
Open up your eyes
Love will make you beautiful
Love will make you beautiful

---
God, make me beautiful?

Hello, God.

It's been a while, hasn't it?
I cleared off some books today - passed them over to Sam - and in doing so, I found the old prophecies that I wrote down. And (coincidentally?) I finally finished that book Deb bought me. Guess what both were talking about today?
Haha, you don't have to guess, right? Yeah, you know. Faith.

Faith, that old contentious issue.

It's one of those things I know and yet, I don't know because I just don't get it. Well. It seems clearer now, a little.

Anyway, yeah, faith.

I'll find it.

I'll find you.

Thank you.

Just Feel Better - Santana

She said I feel stranded
And I can't tell anymore
If I'm coming or I'm going
It's not how I planned it
I've got a key to the door
But it just won't open

And I know, I know, I know
Part of me says let it go
That life happens for a reason
I don't, I don't, I don't
Because it never worked before
But this time, this time

I'm gonna try anything to just feel better
Tell me what to do
You know I can't see through the haze around me
And I do anything to just feel better

And I can't find my way
Girl I need a change
And I do anything to just feel better
Any little thing that just feel better

She said I need you to hold me
I'm a little far from the shore
And I'm afraid of sinking
You're the only one who knows me
And who doesn't ignore
That my soul is weeping

I know, I know, I know
Part of me says let it go
Everything must have a season
Round and round it goes
And every day's the one before
But this time, this time

I'm gonna try anything that just feels better
Tell me what to do
You know I can't see through the haze around me
And I do anything to just feel better

I can't find my way
God I need a change
And I'd do anything to just feel better
Any little thing that just feel better

I'm tired of holding on
To all the things I ought to leave behind, yeah
It's really getting old, and
I think I need a little help this time!

Yeah

[Guitar solo]

I'm gonna try anything to just feel better
Tell me what to do
You know I can't see through the haze around me
And I do anything to just feel better

And I can't find my way
God I need a change
And I do anything to just feel better
Any little thing that just feel better

---

It's kind of sad, but this is seeming to be my theme song for the week. But I like the way he sings "I'm tired of holding on / To all the things I ought to leave behind, yeah / It's really getting old, and
I think I need a little help this time!"

I would have never expected to find this gem of a verse from a Santana song. I didn't even expect this song to be by Santana! I'd heard it on the radio, and liked it but couldn't catch the artist or song title. So I googled it. Using whatever part of the lyrics I could remember.

Meaningful.
For now.

Sir!

Dear Sir,

I would like to tell you how much I respect you. You are bigger and greater than I can imagine. I wouldn't know how else to address you, except "Sir". I suppose it's an honorific that has fallen largely out of use, but it still holds the same amount of love, respect and honour in my heart.
I remember reading in those old story books where children would address their fathers as "Sir", and you are my Father. It is not a word to use lightly, and I hope I do not do so. I would not dishonour you, or your name.
They say your spirit abides with us, Sir, and I would like to thank you for this friend and helper that you have sent to us. I hope to be able to get to know him better, and that he would be able to give me fresh insights into your nature and character.
This will have to be a short letter, Sir.
Until next time,
I remain,

your child.

Sacrifice

What have you given up?
How much more of the past do you need to let go of?
How much more of the present do you need to relinquish your grasp on?
How much more of the future do you need to open up to God's guiding hand?

Is living a long life enough? Or is living a full life your goal?
To live a life of conviction needs more than your words and actions. It requires a focused faith, a dedicated mind, a purposeful obedience.

To learn to give your life - your heart, mind, soul and strength - to Him requires more than you can imagine.
Do you imagine that you are ready to offer Him continual sacrifices each day of your life? If you do, think again - you have a much longer and more ardous road to travel than plagues your nightmares.

And yet...

Dear God,
You alone know my heart. You alone know my dreams. You alone know my soul, inside out. To say that I know myself would be lie. I don't know why I do the things I do, I don't know why I think the way that I do, but You do. You do because You created me.
Your work is exquisite, and You have been telling me over and over again that I am beautiful, because You created me and have called me beautiful. Sometimes it's hard to believe, but then You just do something so awesome within me and without, that I start believing it.
You gave Your life for me, and to worship You would require all that I am. I don't know if I'm ready to give it, I don't know if I am capable of giving it, but what I know is that I am willing to give it. I don't know how, I don't know when.
For now, I'll wait.
There are so many things You're starting in me and through me, and I'm beginning to get overwhelmed. But I'm getting there. It's little steps at a time, and I believe Your hand is in it, and on it, and around it and throught it, and just permeating every bit of it.
So I'll wait here, and rest here, even as I gear up to all that You would have me do, knowing that You will not require of me more than I am capable of giving at each step.
Thank You, Lord.
You're more than enough for me.
In Your precious name,
Amen.

*biggie smiles*

depressed post.

It has not been a very good day today.
I think I'm having PMS and I'm feeling depressed.

Dad prayed for Judson today, saying there was an anointing on his life. He'd talked about Pin and how he has a tremendous anointing for worship. I don't know why I was jealous. I don't know why I am.

It's just that there are so many things that I think I should be that I am not. There are so many things that I think I should do that I don't. There are so many things that I want to do but never do. I want to be anointed for the ministry, but I don't have enough passion. I cannot create passion.
There is a depth I seem to aspire for in my heart, in my dreams, in my mind. In my thoughts I should be there. I should have sustained it from before, I should have gone on higher and deeper. But I haven't. There's been a failure on my part to continue on, to continue pressing on.

I feel like the little duckling in Lilo and Stitch. You know the little cartoon pic that Stitch looks at and then goes into the jungle to see if he can find his family? That little duckling with a tear in his eye crying out "I'm lost!"

I feel sidelined by the church and by the leaders and by the people but I know that I have done nothing yet to be worthy of praise, I have not shown commitment or passion to take up seriously what I said I would do. It's just little me, doing little me-things, trying to fit in. Again. And so I feel underappreciated when I really haven't done anything to be appreciated for.

And in all this, I know I've lost the main focus who should be Jesus. I know I'm majoring on the minors, and feeling hurt for no apparent good reason. But it's so hard to fix your eyes on something you cannot see. It's so hard to fix your eyes on something that you feel has passed you by, yet again.

I read the first two chapters of Drawing Near by John Bevere, and I think it was chapter one that says that sometimes, like the disciples in the boat, Jesus walks as if to pass us by. But the disciples called out to Him, and and He stopped - and Peter walked on water. I feel as if Jesus was walked by and I have wanted to call Him, but I have missed the chance. Again.

I really don't know why, but I've always felt that somehow, God has passed me by. I feel as if He's gone "Oh, Deborah - good! Anna - hmm... well, maybe. David - wonderful! Joshua - brilliant!"
I know it's not true. But it's how I feel all the same.

Dear God, just love on me today.