Rejoicing in dance

You dance over me
When I am unaware
You sing all around
But I never hear the sound
[Amazed - Lincoln Brewster]


The nearest Bible reference I can get to the source of this song is this:

Zephaniah 3:17
The LORD thy God in the midst of thee is mighty; he will save, he will rejoice over thee with joy; he will rest in his love, he will joy over thee with singing.

Well, not all songs have a specific verse tied to it, though some songs are directly lifted from Biblical passages... but if there is one verse that seems to be tied to this song, it's this one. 

How does it fit, you may ask? The only thing that seems to be similar is the reference that God sings over us! Not exactly. Maybe it boils down to your individual perception of rejoicing, but I would definitively say that rejoicing over you with joy (quite a bit of emphasis on the joy part, no?) might have something to do with dancing. Because only happy people dance. Only free people dance.

And yet every time (almost) you bring up dancing, it seems to be only a presentation, only something for the people to see. It doesn't come up as a dance before the Lord, as a holy consecration of our bodies to Him. But it should be.

Probably way back when in my naturally suspicious and anti-super-spiritualistic heart (I'm still somewhat there) I was very skeptical about these dancing pastors who see angels behind every dance. But I think I've come to a realisation that there is a power in dance. There is a release. There is something deeper to it than merely movement for movement's sake, or just presentation. There is an ushering in of God's presence in the lifting of the banners, the waving of the flags, the pounding of the tambourines, the grace of the limbs.

I don't know if there are angels behind every dance. I probably don't think so. But that's not really the point.

If you talk about presenting yourself as a living sacrifice to God, then offering your body in the dance is part of it. You can't offer all of yourself without including your movement. That would be like telling God that he can only have your brain and your mind and the thoughts and the stuff you do with it... but no, you can't make me move. You can't possibly be interested in that because it's so... carnal.

But what is carnal?

What are you without your body? Without your bones and the flesh and muscles that covers it? Isn't sex carnal? Yet without it, you wouldn't have children and wouldn't be able to fulfil the command to be fruitful and multiply.

David danced before the Lord.

Maybe I have a strange kind of thinking about worship. I wouldn't know. I have strange kinds of thoughts all the time. But it's like a music that plays itself; unheard, most of the time. All we do is step into tune, taking what is already there, picking it up in our words and our music and yes, in our dance. And like a huge orchestra, if anything is missing, you feel it. It feels like there is something lacking, something not yet achieved.

One of the missing chunks right now is the whole area of dance. Maybe even the whole area of anything related to art or creative arts. Like paintings. And pictures. And sketches. And stories. And movies. And music. And dance, always dance.

I'm not really a dancer (or so I think) but somehow it always gets back to dance. Because whilst a movie or a sketch or drama or story tells things about God, tells all kinds of things about anything, really, it's often put on, contrived, made up, created. It's a representation.
Dance seems to be a more primal instinct, coming from the depths of the soul. It's not quite a representation. It is a being. A release. And twined with it, the music of heaven. 

of miscellaneous jumbled thoughts

Am I Ephesus to serve and persevere, to test the prophets and hate evil, but to forget my first love?

The funny thing is, I think I'm more afraid of the sword of Anna than of the sword of the Lord. It's kind of like I'm afraid of what I can do, if I would only let myself do it. Maybe because it comes back to the fact that most times I am afraid of what I want to do because I am afraid of what other people would say/think. Which is, frankly, stupid.

Most of the time I don't think I have a problem with what God can do. It's usually the problem of what I can do with God. And maybe the crux of this matter is that I doubt myself too much. I doubt my motives too much. There's so much second-guessing and triple-guessing that sometimes I forget how to think straight. It seems that every time I allow myself to dream, I start to worry about whether this is my dream and my goals instead of what God wants me to do. And then in a moment of clarity, the thought comes that what if this IS a God dream? Except that these moments of clarity never last long enough before I slide into a but I can't valley of depression.

I need to stop thinking church. It should be central, but not centric. It should be an anchor, but not a basis. It should be a starting point but not the ending. Because the world is out there, and there is where I should be.

Stop. Rant.

And yet, my dear, how is what you do any better or any more insightful?
You still rely on grace. You have always relied on grace.
Shouldn't it be time you offered grace as well? Without that grimace on your face? Without that half-smile, that hidden smirk?
Is it only about the songs, or about the heart behind it?
Is there depth behind any thing you say?
Is there a heart?
Or are you merely words and music?

You. Are. Good.
You have ever been.
What more is there to say?

another day, another rant

I was looking through my drafts (basically all the half-written posts that I have forgotten about) and found this:

While I was busy getting a new blister on my right foot (it's always the right, I don't know why?) I started thinking about what Christianity means in these times. Okay, it's something that I've been thinking about, writing about, deleting words on. It's nothing new. Just so you know.
But the thought was this: we're living a watered-down Christianity.
This lifestyle isn't real. This isn't what it was meant to be. If we were living the right way, I don't think we'd be so comfortable that our biggest worry is about getting a bigger building, (or getting enough people to justify a bigger building), parking lots and accessibility. We'd be getting into trouble with the law for the good things that matter: righteousness, truth and justice in a land where it's scarce.
We wouldn't be arguing about whether the 10% is meant to be gross or net income. We'd be saying we've given so much there isn't anything left to give out of. That meal at the restaurant would really be a treat - a luxury - instead of a normal occurrence.

I think I wrote that sometime in October last year. I guess it ties in with the stuff I blurbed out in my handy Mark Twain notebook during service yesterday. 

It is wrong. We move, when we should linger. We rise when we should be still. And we stop, jarringly, when we should flow. We are children pretending to know what we are doing, muddying the great flood of God's majestic river. We play in the eddies when we should plunge into the great flow, the mighty stream.
It is all wrong. It has nothing to do with our music, beautiful or not, rising to God. He doesn't need it. It is us learning to plunge into the music, the unheard music, that already surrounds us; learning to tap into His majesty and awesomeness that always surrounds us.
He sings over us. He dances over us. He spins His webs, His stories, His Words all around each and every one of us. All we need to do, is to be. Be open and receptive. To realise that He is there and to dance with Him, to His tune. Not. our. own.
We are rabbits. Frightened rabbits.
We are not even meek lambs who follow with trust and faith.
We are rabbits hiding in burrows, quivering when we should roar.
Roar! WHERE IS THE LION?
We are children of the King and our King is a mighty roaring lion, a raging fire.
So why are we rabbits in our worship?
Words are a powerful thing. Music is a powerful thing. Our God is more powerful than these for He made them to be tools.
I am tired of playing church. It is the time for the Church to rise up from its own ashes. We should be free of what people think our worship to be, but to be captured by what God wants it to be.
There is more to life than this.
There is a task to be finished.
There is work to be done.

It's a recurring theme. A deep dissatisfaction with where life is. Where life seems to be heading. And yet, at the same time, it's an acknowledgement that I don't know how to get there. Maybe I dream too big. Maybe I don't know what I'm asking for. Maybe I just don't know Him enough.
And yet. We are too tiny for our God. We think too small. We are satisfied with the comfort of church as we know it. Maybe I've been too many places. Seen to many things. Or maybe I'm still young. I don't know what it's like to be old and deaf and timid. But it just seems that in catering to the weakest, we never get anywhere.
We are stuck in the same old rut of Some people don't like it. So we shouldn't do it. ARE THE 'SOME PEOPLE' GOD? Yes, we are there to lead people into worship, and yes, that does mean that we need to take into account the type of people who are coming into the church. But you can't lead by pushing from behind. You need to lead by being out there, by entering first. By showing them the way.
I would like a valid reason for why we keep on singing tired old songs when the Bible says sing a NEW song to the Lord. I would like a valid reason for why our music must be soft and tinny (and basically high-school-band-bad) when the Psalms say SHOUT with joy to God... Make His praise GLORIOUS!
I really don't know how quiet and faded and washed out translates into AWESOME AND GLORIOUS. Yes, there are times for that hush. But with that hush should come the majesty of His presence. Not the awkwardness of the band/worship leader doesn't know what to do now.
I feel that sometimes we are dancing to a different tune from where God would take us. Or maybe I am critical because that is not what I would do. So maybe I am the problem. Maybe I am getting in the way. Acknowledging this doesn't detract from the fact that frankly, it could be much better. We are a long way from arriving.

Oh!

If you were accidentally led here while clicking on the google friend connect whilst trying to read my A to Z challenge, my challenge posts are updated here.
I just added the google friend connect to my tabulas blog and I'm not sure how it works because the follow bar thing is associated with my gmail which is associated with my blogger, which is linked to this blog. And that. And....

I hope I didn't confuse you, because I'm confused.

random

Let this be Your story
Let this be Your song
Let this be Your glory
As You build a people strong

Hello, people. Open your eyes.

I think in the end, if you ask me, it comes back down again to commitment. It comes back to the question of WHY you're in the team. All the stuff we spent so much time talking about - they're essentially non issues. This whole thing about it being tiring, dinner, sitting through the sermon multiple times, family time... I mean, how petty can you get? It's going to be the same for the whole team. Everyone who has committed to the worship team and all its supporting ministries are going to have to work through this. Everyone who has committed to serve in church is going to have to work through this - not just the worship team. Don't you think the people who usher, who tidy up the hall, who do traffic are all going to have to give up a little something as well?
If you're committing to serve in church, the question shouldn't be about how the church and the pastors/leaders are going to make it convenient for you or easy for you to serve. It should be about how YOU are going to rearrange your schedule to suit the greater needs of all the people coming to seek God. True?
I think that a lot of us still come with that 'serve us' attitude, that church should be about OUR convenience and needs, that if people want it bad enough they will come on their own. We're asking the world to come to us when Jesus has sent us TO the world.
Worship costs something. As Pastor Isaac said this weekend, most of us don't realize the deep personal cost that the old testament believers made to atone for their sins. We've taken grace so cheaply that we've lost its true value. I think it was David, who when he went to offer sacrifices to God and the owner of the land offered to give it him for free, he said, I will not offer a sacrifice to God that costs me nothing. That's something the church has lost. Our worship to God is not just the singing of the songs, not just the touted lifestyle; it's the offering of our selves in totality, including our time. Mook Chen said it right during cell today - in the past, monetary giving was the big issue. Most of the older generation just didn't have the cash to spare to give freely and that was the great sacrifice. Now, money is nothing. We've become affluent, we have learnt to give generously. Time has become the precious commodity as we struggle to juggle all the activities we are part of, all the things we do, or think we need to do.
So coming back to this:
1. The issue isn't really about the swapping. Yes, sometimes you have other commitments. But if it's happening so often, doesn't that mean some priorities are out of whack?
2. If you have committed to a service, you commit to it. You don't run off during service because 'I've heard it before'. Yes, I've heard it before too. I've heard some of my dad's sermons almost ten times over. But you STAY for the services, all of them, because you are a PART of the overall picture. You're there to support the pastor and the congregation, not to do your musical act then clear off. Each service, same sermon or not, has a different emphasis. And you can't know or sense that if you weren't there or if you were busy talking at the back. And you need to sense that because the pastor is going to call people for altar call/ministry and the TEAM has to be on the same page, not just the worship leader!
3. You have family. Fine, so do all of us. You're busy. Great, so are all of us. Your need to leave early due to xxxxx circumstances needs to be an exception to the rule - not the rule. Your children learn the true meaning of commitment, responsibility and passion from how you serve, not by what you tell them. After all, you have the other two or three weekends in a month to plan great family outings and times together. And why not initiate them into the ministry then by just having the there along with you? I've spent countless hours in church mooching around just because I have to wait for my dad to finish. It never hurt me any.
4. If dinner is THAT important to you, find a way to work around it. Don't just gripe about how tiring it is and how you really need to eat. How about fasting dinner? Have you ever thought that Pastor Isaac is preaching in all THREE services for much longer than the worship session AND HE IS NOT GRIPING ABOUT DINNER??

In conclusion, the thing I really want to say is, just grow up okay? Suck it up. You're better than that. This is bigger than you. If you wake up to that fact, it'll be much easier to adjust.

I KNOW it's going to cost. I DON'T have that time to spare either. But we gotta do what we gotta do. That's how you build worship. That's how you build the Kingdom. You are the worship TEAM not the worship solo, and this has to be done together as a team. This has got to click, to gel. We need to constantly move forward, not look back to what it used to be like. Because if we don't move, who is?

Time and unreality

Time slips away quicker and quicker each year, with an unknown urgency. Maybe it's as the verse says, that creation waits and groans for the coming of the Creator, for the setting of all things right, and it's getting nearer.
Sometimes I feel as if I'm standing just outside the slipstream. Everything is rushing onwards, people are getting caught in the flow, in the great events that are forming, clustering, speeding explosively by; and just outside, separated by a thin wall of unreality is where I stand, watching.
I know it's probably not like that, but it just feels that way. It's as if everyone is getting caught up in the great picture and I'm still muddling by, still afraid to step out of the boat, still afraid to take the plunge, still afraid to say I'll go where ever you take me. Yet at the same time, I know it's not time, I'm not ready. The place is still here, the time is still not yet. There are depths to be plunged still, if I could steel myself to it. There is more to be done HERE. So it still comes back to the crux of the matter, as it has ever been for me.

The here and now or the there and then.

If you didn't already know, I have problems living in the present. It always feel as if everything I am doing is leading up to something next, something coming. And when I reach it, I don't know how to respond. It's as if I'm walking through a haze of things that are happening around me, things that I have been waiting for, and yet am not fully a part of. It's as if in the midst of the GREAT AND ANTICIPATED EVENT I've somehow stepped out of my body and am watching everything going on, as if it's a movie. So it's happening and yet not happening, if you get what I mean.
Maybe this is why I enter major post-event depression all the time, no matter how small or large the event is. There's some random tinted glasses in my that mind blocks me from seeing the things that are happening in the midst of all the things that I had hoped would happen. There's an inability to sense the reality of the present; the mind wanders to what I am not experiencing rather than living in the moment of experiencing it. Does that even make sense?

And nothing is ever as it seems, is it?

Time is a funny thing. I feel as if I'm always living forward and looking backward, but am never where I'm supposed to be. Everything seems to be a tomorrow or a yesterday. Today doesn't exist for itself, never exists for what it's meant to be: the now, the present, the here. Today is here for tomorrow, for the things to come, for the yet-to-be. Tomorrow is here for the yesterdays, for the things that have been, to make right the things that have gone.
In the short story A Thousand Deaths by Orson Scott Card, the Russian prosecutor, after having tried to elicit a convincing confession from dissenter Jerry Crove by killing and reviving him many times (you'll have to read it to understand it), asks him, "What kind of animal are you, Crove? Can't you make up a lie and believe it?"
Crove answers, "It was my business. As a playwright. The willing suspension of disbelief."

Take from that what you will.

Faith and doubt

Sometimes, talking to her makes me doubt the veracity of my own experiences. It's as if the things that I feel regarding doubt, as strong as they may be, never registers with her because of the assumption that because I was born in a Christian family, I would never have faced the same kind of issues regarding doubt that someone coming from a non-Christian family, or someone who has faced great trials and tribulations would have faced. It's like a slap in the face to be told that I just don't understand. (Mentally I tag on the words and don't pretend that you do).

I am an Isaac. That in itself is true, and the testimony of my much-blessed life is a testimony of His faithfulness to my parent's work and prayers and diligence. It is true that I stand on the shoulders of giants, which makes reaching for God (and the stars) much easier because I am that much nearer, I have that much inheritance of strength and faith and love. It remains true that many privileges of making ministry work is because people know me and know of me through my father and they are willing to take me on that trust, at least at the initial stages. I grew up knowing many things about faith and ministry that many of my peers are just discovering now. I tend to come out of conferences going well, I knew that already where others are going woah, that's new!

Still, at the same time, there remains a dichotomy of being. There is a warring of the soul that says I believe and yet I'm not sure that I really do.
I may not be able to say that I have gone through a traumatic hospital experience, praying for loved ones to get healed and struggling with faith regarding God's power to heal. It could be something to do with my cynicism regarding the pursuit of miracle healings in the first place. I believe in realism, that you need to prepare yourself for the worst possible outcome, and yet to hope that God will do something. And whilst realism on one hand negates the faith that you think you should be having, doesn't that make the room for hope all the more?

That feeling is one that I am familiar with. The one where you know you should have faith, but you don't. The one where you think that God won't work if you don't have faith, and yet your faith falters and shatters to crystals on the floor. The one where you're going God, haven't I prayed enough? Don't you love me enough to make this happen? Or are you not powerful/loving enough? Or have I done something wrong? It's living with two realities, something that every person of the faith should be living in. It's knowing this hurts; this isn't right; and asking why God isn't doing anything about it - but it's also at the same time affirming (even if it's only with your mind) that God is all-powerful and all-sovereign and doesn't have to act the way we expect Him to, because this is coming to terms with Lordship. 

It's the ability to say I don't know if it's true even whilst you acknowledge that God has been and is working good in my life. It's being able to say I don't have all the answers, something that church has always secretly taught us not to admit. It's being able to sing Your Kindness is forever, Your goodness is forever, Your mercy is forever when nothing in your life is going right and doesn't seem like it will ever make good. It's being truthful enough to say I'm not sure I really believe whilst allowing that core of your being that does to hold you in check and declare but I have decided that I believe and I will set my sights on what I know is true and right and constant, even if I can't explain how I know it.


And sometimes faith on a string is enough.

It's just enough to be strong

In the broken places, in the broken places

It's just enough to be strong

Should the world rely on faith tonight

Faith Enough; Jars of Clay 

salt and light

We were talking about being salt and light, thinking of practical things we can do in the coming week to make an impact in the lives of our friends and family. Simple as that. We've talked about this in iBridge camp on a slightly larger scale - practical things that we can do to make a difference in the different spheres of our nation, i.e. politics, economy, health care, social works (I can't remember the other one). 

These problems seem really big. I mean, you start thinking about it, and you get frightened. It's overwhelming. You look at the forest and go woah, and what were we supposed to do again? But frankly, it isn't our job or our responsibility to change the whole world overnight. It isn't our job to overhaul the system. We can't. The system is rotten and we know it. But right now, with the resources we have, we just cannot change it.

However, what we know is this: if enough people do something about it (or even say something about it), things will change. It's not good enough to say that the system is rotten and it's not fair. We know that. The question is, what are you going to do about it? It only takes a single stone to start and avalanche (or maybe a single snow ball). It doesn't seem dangerous when it starts but it gets big pretty quickly and that really changes things.  

It really isn't any use lamenting the fact that we know that these things aren't good and fair and complaining or wondering why those with the power aren't doing anything about it. We know they aren't, and probably won't unless a miracle happens (we can pray). We know they have too much interested vested in it. It doesn't work to go, "but well, if I were the son of the MP/person in charge/person with power I would do something" because they too have a vested interest in keeping the status quo.  

But the best way to make sure that the people put in charge really do the right thing is not to sit around and complain about it. It's to go out there and give your opinion loud enough so that they have to listen. It may even be about replacing those people in charge with the right ones who will do something. 

It isn't easy and it isn't safe. But doing the right thing isn't about being safe. I can't remember who said it at camp, but he said if you're doing something right... expect to get into trouble. Why? Because all those who have interests vested in it aren't going to be happy. And they're going to try their best to shut you up. The thing is, it's never going to change if we never do anything. And if enough people do something, no matter how small, things WILL change. 

How was slavery abolished? By one guy constantly bugging the parliament and attempting to garner support in bugging the parliament. How did the Missionaries of Charity get started? By one woman doing all she could in the slums of India. It works everywhere else... why not with Malaysia?

The problem with Malaysia now... is really our mindsets. 

I guess it stood out extra clearly to me today during our discussion as one guy kept going on about how the system is rotten and how we can't do anything about the system being rotten. What we kept telling him was that yes, we know the system is rotten and we can't do anything about it now, BUT if everyone of us just starts doing the small things that we can do (for example, vote. Or even just helping out in social work, or getting involved in ministries that help the poor and the broken and the migrants) then something will start to change. Even if we can't change everything for everyone, at least that one person you are able to help will have received what he needed. Even if the other 49 still can't fish, at least there is one more person who can fish, and who can help in the work. 

He just couldn't accept that. He kept going on about how it's not his responsibility. He has done his part by paying his taxes and the government should do that bit. To each his own, and let each man decide for himself what he should do. It smacks of selfishness, but we really are selfish people. We want to have our cake and eat it. We want to complain about the state of things but expect that other people will fix it for us. We don't want to get our hands dirty. If I could generalise, I'd say that our age is an age of irresponsibility. We've learnt to pass the buck so well, that we don't know where it stops. 

Our reply to this was fine, to each his own. You decide that you can't do anything and you will not be part of the solution, then that's up to you. We believe that by just doing the little that we can, it will help be a part of the solution (erroneous or not) but we'll take up that responsibility to do that bit. 

I think what really clinched it for me today was the idea of functionality. We normally talk a lot about the analogy of salt and light; salt as a preservative, an aid to healing, a purifier, giving taste and light to show the way, drawing people and giving hope. But we hardly ever think about the fact that salt and light just has a very clear purpose. True, it's wonderful that there are so many things to say about salt and light. The fact remains that for it to just be useful, it has to be used. 

There's no point in having a lit candle if it's already in the light. No one can see it then. For the candle (torchlight for modernity's sake?) to be useful, to serve its purpose it has to be in the dark. And no matter how small or unstable it is, as long as it's there, someone can see. 

For salt to preserve or to heal wounds, or give taste, it has to be in that meat. And meat is by nature, messy and bloody. And if you cook it, it's going to be hot. 

The fact remains that perfection is never going to come in this lifetime. The question is, do you just accept that it isn't and then do NOTHING about it, or do you still do your best to at least get nearer?

Then again, this is just talk. This is just another blog post. What then will we - I - do to make the difference we are talking about? That's where the rubber hits the road, innit?

Shout of the King

The shout of the King is among us
God lives here in our praises
The shout of the King is among us
Praise Him, praise Him
Praise Him in everything

Shout of the King, Blessed 2002 (Hillsong)

The shout of the King, the Son of God
Your presence now here with us
The sound of praise all in a name
Jesus Christ, the one who saves

Shout of the King, Matt Maher

I think I got a little hot under the collar (assuming I was wearing one) at the implication in a not-so-recent worship leader's meeting where someone said something to the effect that all song writers are theologically unsound. I'm probably exaggerating. The fact remains that he DID say something to that effect and the way the senior pastor responded, it sounded like he agreed. (If you think that way, why are you a worship leader and why do you bother with worship in song? I mean, it's all "EMOTIONAL" AND "ARTISTIC" isn't it?)

One such song he brought up was Hillsong's The Shout of the King. He said that 'shout to the Lord' makes perfect sense because we lift up shouts of praise to God. But where does God shout? Why would God shout? Two things that irritated me was the fact that I know that all Hillsongs songs ARE vetted by the senior pastor (or at least the pastoral team) before they are approved and sung, which means that this can't be very far off, even if it was in someways made more "artistic". Secondly, I was relatively sure that I had read this somewhere in the Bible before because I really loved this song and had searched a lot of stuff about it.

Well, it appears in Numbers 23:21:

"He has not observed iniquity in Jacob, Nor has He seen wickedness in Israel. The Lord his God is with him, And the shout of a King is among them."

Bible study tools has this to say:

He hath not beheld iniquity in Jacob-Many sins were observed and punished in this people. But no such universal and hopeless apostasy had as yet appeared, to induce God to abandon or destroy them.
the Lord his God is with him-has a favor for them.
and the shout of a king is among them-such joyful acclamations as of a people rejoicing in the presence of a victorious prince.

With Gill's exposition as follows:

and the shout of a king is among them;
of God their King, the Shechinah of their King, as the Targum of Onkelos; his glorious Majesty, to whom they make their joyful acclamations, upon his appearing among them, and on the account of the victories he gives them over their enemies: or of the King Messiah, as the Targum of Jonathan, the King of kings, the Lord of lords; and so, in an ancient writing of the Jews, this passage is referred to the days of the Messiah: and this shout may respect the joyful sound of the Gospel, one part of which is, that Zion's King reigns, and which proclaims him to be King, and speaks of the things concerning his kingdom, both the kingdom of grace, and the kingdom of glory; some respect may be had to the sounding of the silver trumpets by the priests on various occasions in Israel; see Numbers 10:1-11.

And Matthew Henry's commentary:

The shout or alarm of a king is among them. They shout against their enemies, as sure of victory and success, glorying continually in God as their King and conqueror for them. They had had the experience of the benefit of God’s presence with them, and his power engaged for them; for God brought them out of Egypt

If you want something more 'traditional' try Wesley's notes:

The shout of a king - That is, such joyful and triumphant shouts as those wherewith a people congratulate the approach and presence of their King: when he appears among them upon some solemn occasion, or when he returns from battle with victory. This expression implies God's being their King and ruler, and their abundant security and confidence in him.

I don't know. It kind of makes you think that maybe you might want to do your own Biblical research before you call others' into question?
There's another whole post on this here, which mainly highlights the following:

Shout = terua – terua = Alarm (Joshua 6:5; Jeremiah 4:19), signal (Leviticus 25:9), sound of trumpet (Amos 2:2) and exultation of praise to God (Psalm 150:3)The “shout of a king”; therefore, refers to the jubilant sounds by which the presence of the Lord as their King among them was celebrated by Israel.
As a nation, Israel was instructed by signals from the priests blowing trumpets (Num. 10). The Feast of Trumpets illustrates the regathering or Rapture of the Church and the beginning of the regathering of Israel. Another of God's trumpets shall call Israel from the ends of the earth on the Day of Atonement. Isa. 27:12-13; Matt. 24:29-31; 1 Cor. 15:52ff; 1 Thes. 4:13-18
Therefore, The shout of the King must be understood as a militaristic threat, implying that the Lord is a Warrior who leads His hosts to victory. Josh. 6:5, 20; Ps. 47:5; Jer. 4:19; 49:2
So the phrase "shout of the King" is a Hebrew idiom meaning "praise to our warrior King" as noted in the following translations:
Num 23:21 (NLT) “No misfortune is in sight for Jacob; no trouble is in store for Israel. For the LORD their God is with them; He has been proclaimed their king.”
Num 23:21 (GWT) “He doesn’t want any trouble for the descendants of Jacob. He sees no misfortune for the people of Israel. The LORD their God is with them, praised as their king.”

And not to forget this:

"The shout of a king is in their midst." As often happens, the Hebrew here is delightful for its variety of meaningful thought. The word for "shout" (Strong 8643, Harris 2135b) carries the meaning of sound or signal. It is used to mean the sound of trumpet, that is the silver trumpets or the curved horn shofar. In Leviticus 25:9, it is translated "jubilee" Elsewhere it is translated "alarm", and most frequently a jubilant and triumphant shout. Here the shout of the King in the midst of His people Israel is a beautiful reminder to us of the shout of triumph with which our Lord descended from heaven at His return. This is the trumpet signal the Lord's people now hear and recognise, and indeed, the same word is used in Psalm 89:15, "Blessed is the people that know the joyful sound.." They recognise the triumphant shout of their King. It is the time of gathering of the church to Himself, gathering too of Israel, first to her land, then to her Lord... the Saviour out of Zion, Who will turn away iniquity from His people.

And yes, I am not quoting these two sites fully here so that no one can fault me and say 'but your research is only online and everyone knows that everything online is false', as also implied by some dumb politician. If you suspect that something has been "edited" online, you could always go back to the printed copies of the commentaries above.

the story-arch of a worship set

I've spent a night choosing songs, going back and forth over which songs to sing, what would bring out the message, where are we would like to go with this and finally falling back into the rut of 'I think this is too ambitious, my musicians will kill me, it's going to be a disaster, I don't know why I'm doing this, can I sink into a hole and disappear now?' along with the little voice that says THIS IS GREAT! I LOVE THIS! Negativity usually has more vocab than positivity and is usually louder, don't you think?

I doubt I speak for every worship leader when I say that I choose songs for the story. I don't know if it's a normal method, or it's just some strange thing that I do, but I like to choose songs in a sequence and a theme. I like to bring you somewhere from the start of the praise songs to the end. Maybe it's the way I think, or an outcome of being a writer-ly and reader-ly kind of person.

Sometimes this ends up as having a dual theme between the praise songs and the worship songs because I cannot find one overall theme that fits, but sometimes when things click it just arches over by itself. I don't really know how to explain it. It just happens, which is why I don't like recycling songs and song sets. Re-using a good medley that works, yes, if it fits, but not reusing a whole song set or merely swapping one or two songs in and out. That just doesn't work for me.

Each week is a different week. God says different things all the time. Reusing the same song set is like projecting that God doesn't have anything new to say. There are times when certain songs get chosen together over and over, maybe because they work well together. Nothing wrong with that. There are times when a song is sung every week, or keeps recurring regularly because that is really is what on God's heart (or at least on yours). Nothing wrong with that. What's wrong is if it's done because you don't have time or you don't have the willingness to make time.

This sometimes annoys me though, because I start off wanting to introduce a fresh song, or thinking that we should do a song that hasn't been sung in a while and I get excited about it, but when I actually sit down and craft the songs together, it just doesn't fit anywhere. It doesn't go with what has been happening in my life, in the church, in the present. Usually the "isn't right in my life" is the strongest factor though, because I can only lead you in worship to where I've gone before. I can't take you further than that. (ah, that whole revelation thing of worship was something I wanted to blog but haven't yet)

What I'm bringing you through next weekend (if you don't mind knowing in advance) goes with the theme of missions, since it's missions month and we were requested to insert at least one "missions" song during worship. It goes from the time has come to stand for all we believe in to stating that we believe God is mighty to save and where it says I give my life to follow everything I believe in we dedicate our lives, telling God to take my life, I lay it down at the cross where I am found and into Here am I, all of me, take my life, it's all for Thee where we reconcile what we believe and what we should do with Jesus, I believe in You and I would go to the ends of the earth for You alone are the Son of God and all the world will see that You are God.

Then again in my current (negative) state of mind, I might dumb this down. You'll find out next weekend.

of worth

"Do I have worth?" asked Nutt.

"Yes, Nutt, you do."

"Thank you," said Nutt, "but I am learning that worth is something that must be continuously accumulated. You asked me to be becoming. Have I become?"

"Yes, Nutt, you have become."

~excerpt from the Unseen Academicals by Terry Pratchett

What makes one worthy? Is it something continuously accumulated? Is it something that has to be worked at and slogged over before it can be maintained? What happens then when things fall through?

Do we need a back-up plan for our dreams so that, as Glenda says to Juliet, "you'd know that if it all goes pear-shaped you could always make it pie-shaped"?

"Do I have worth?" Nutt asks often, and it's a question that I ask most days. Will I still have worth when I miss that deadline, or forget an accounting standard? Will I still have worth if I forget the words or miss the beat in the song? Will I still have worth if my writings get rejected? Will I still have worth if everyone goes for lunch without me?

Traditionally, this post should have ended with a happy-clappy "but I know where my true worth lies... it lies with Jesus!" But for the most part, that would have been the most false and hypocritical ending I have ever written. I know we've had endless countless seminars and sermons about self-worth and security and how it can only be found in Jesus and I know that. It isn't anything new.

The fact remains that there are nights when "It doesn't matter because Jesus loves me anyway" doesn't ring true because it does matter to me. It matters very much that in my mid-twenties I am more alone than I thought I would be when I was in high school. The lofty ideas of meeting a great guy and having a great relationship and the wistful dreams of having a close-knit party of friends where I am never the odd-ball, the outsider, the unwanted tag-along has remained just that - lofty ideas and wistful dreams. For the most part, I'm probably to blame because I'm just as introverted and prickly as ever.

Worth. Do I have worth? Yes I do. I know I do. It's just sometimes hard to believe it.

Constantly caught between joy and jealousy

I don't know if it makes sense to you, but at times I find myself caught in this web of being happy and yet jealous at the same time. The thing is, it's getting more frequent.

Every girl reaches a point in her life where she starts dreaming about The One. Okay, not the Matrix, or God, but the significant other in her life. Some girls are fortunate - they don't have to dream much because they've found him (or he's found her, if you look at it that way). But on the other hand, if you've reached the age where everyone else is hooking up / has hooked up / is going to propose / get proposed to, and you're still single...

It's funny, I suppose, because I am happy that they are together, and yet I am jealous because they are. Ah, love.

Rock concert worship?

Something to ponder about:

What's amazing about worship is that it pleases God—when we're worshiping Him, of course—and it pleases us, too. Many Christians experience a sense of God's nearness as well as His transcendence when worshipping Him. He envelops us. He's both close and huge, sort of like He's … onstage?

Rock concerts, like a church service, proffer something approximating a transcendent experience. And that experience is reinforced by sharing it with hundreds or thousands of other "believers." A concert invites us to lose ourselves for a little while, to surrender to the incredible sensation of music pounding ours bodies as well as the intensity of the feelings that the music itself may stir up inside of us. A good show distills the essence of an artist into something tangible, present, concrete, enthralling. It's a powerful feeling for those of us who are wired to appreciate it.

...Just as worship in church invites believers to experience God's nearness and transcendence, a rock concert allows fans to see their favorite artist up close, in the flesh. At the same time, the lights, the sound, the stage, the massive video screens, the pyrotechnics—all of those theatrical elements present a singer or a band in a way that treats them more like superheroes than human beings. We don't call them rock gods, guitar heroes or American Idols for nothing.

Our English word worship is actually derived from an Old English term we no longer use: worthship. As the word implies, worthship denotes the act of ascribing worth to something, of communicating its value. Literally, then, when we worship, we say, "This is good. This is right. This is worth celebrating and living for." And isn't that exactly what happens when we scream in adulation for two hours when Miley Cyrus takes the stage? (Or James Taylor, for that matter—not to let you boomers off the hook.)

We simply can't not worship. We will ascribe honor and glory to the things we find most beautiful and compelling and worthy of praise in our lives. Whether we realize it or not, the yearning, the sense of anticipation, the energy, the connection we feel with other fans at a concert are all shadows of our hearts' desire to experience God and express our praise to Him. And when we don't know how to offer our lives in worship to Him (or, worse, refuse to do so), we'll naturally seek out the best substitutes we can find.

taken from Worship at 130dB

Makes sense?

The thing I worry about sometimes is if church worship becomes a rock concert. In which case, it's hard to differentiate if we are worshiping the music or worshiping God. At least in a rock concert, the distinction is clear.

Heart

There are times that I protest (to myself) that I know what I'm doing and yet at the same time, another voice questions do I really?

The answer is sometimes I do and sometimes I don't, but the heart of the matter remains pursuing the heart of God. It's a matter of pursuing the songs on my heart, even though sometimes the songs may be new. The songs may be difficult. But these are the songs of God for the moment. Maybe for me personally, maybe for the Church as a whole. I don't know. I just sing.

What I know is that this morning, I couldn't stop crying. I am majorly stressed and my body is telling me all about it. I wanted to cancel out, I wanted to be that irresponsible, shirking person I always get irritated at and want to slap, but I am glad I didn't. Because I stepped into church, and they were practicing my song, and everything changed.

There is power in praise and there is power in worship and there is great power in the Name of Jesus. When I picked the songs on Wednesday night (or was it Thursday?) it was just a song that was hanging around in my head, and I was going yes, that would be a great song, a great theme. Then I got buried in a load of work and stress and I looked at the songs and went, yes that's what I need. I need to know that His Name is my strong tower and my shelter and I can run to it to be safe. I need to know that His love is amazing and that it's wide and deep and great and I can't understand it, but I know it.

I wanted to title this post 'chicken' because I have been chicken (and I love chicken. nyum! ahha) but then again, I'm finding my way. I'm finding the steps He has prepared and it doesn't matter if I'm a little chicken once in a while because it just makes Him all the bigger.

Today Ps Margaret from TCC spoke in church and she said that she felt there were a lot of people at crossroads in their lives right now. And then it struck me. A few months ago when they were last up from Singapore, I was still ambivalent. I was in the worship team, yes, but I was still wondering if I really was in the wrong place. Whether I should actually be packing my bags and heading off to the holy grail of Malaysia and I asked her to pray with me. I don't remember the actual words she said, but was something like God doesn't ask you to stay for nothing but to ask God to give me something to stay for.

I think I have.

giving ALL

It's hard to put into words precisely the way I feel. There's a maelstrom of words, of phrases, of thoughts, and when all this noise comes together, it negates each other resulting in sheer speechlessness. (It could also be the headache I'm getting for reading in bed while my hair was wet).
The longer I take to write it out, the more it seems to jam inside, like... constipation. (I'm hungry. Being hungry also makes my brain shut down).

The thing is, a lot of the things I want to say are negative. But maybe negativity is not the right thing for the moment. I get the vibe that there are too many negative comments, too many but-it-shouldn't-bes, too many put-downs. Maybe what we need now are constructive comments, suggestions for improvement, timely reminders; just people who will pull together and work together with concerted effort.

Definitely there is much to be done. Obviously there is much that is lacking. Practically... it's time to just get on with what needs to be done. Just DO it, like Nike lambastes us (I'm not sure if that is the right word, but my head still hurts). There isn't space or time for worrying about why other people aren't doing it, and why they should be - but to just give all that we have out of the revelation that we have.

Me being the ever-neurotic, self-doubting person, I started to wonder if I was merely putting on a show every week when I was on duty because the most persistent comment I received was about me being lively on stage. (That doesn't sound very well put together but never mind.) The thing is, God's presence sometimes seems so illusory, so vague and ungraspable, but I want that. I want all that I've ever felt and experienced in worship elsewhere to be so tangible and real right here as well. But it seems so hard to catch. I think I am a rather all-or-nothing person.

Worship is expressive. I can't be on stage and not express. I can't sing a worship song and not try to catch that glimpse of God. I can't sing a praise song and not want to clap my hands or dance. (Though I'm getting old and tired and out of shape.) Sometimes it seems fake. Yes it does. I'm not denying it. Sometimes it's an effort, just saying, I'm so tired right now and this is just a repetition of the last few weeks. But there is a crying out.

Anyways.

There was this bit in Darlene Zschech's book, Extravagant Worship, that I had been rereading a while ago. And I wanted to share it, but I didn't, and now, I've lost it again, but (and here I'm rambling because I'm tired) I guess what I wanted to say is that worship really needs to be wholehearted. To quote (the book):

In 2 Chronicles, Solomon often refers to the whole-hearted devotion of King David and the men and women of God that served in the House. A whole-hearted approach releases God's hand.

These passages of Scripture talk about King Amaziah and his reign. The first half of the book is all about victory, talking about his obedience to God, and the second half is all about his defeat and his disobedience. Right in the middle there, I noticed the Scripture where it says that 'he served well as in the eyes of the Lord but not wholeheartedly'. I wonder whether or not his half-hearted attitude was the start of his decline? He was seen doing the right thing (he served well) but his approach was not whole-hearted and that was the issue. King Amaziah's heart wandered and he started to walk in disobedience.

God's hand is limited when your heard is misdirected. Anything you desire to be great at needs to be approached wholeheartedly. When it comes to living as a worshipper in His House, there is no other way.

I do what I do because that is what giving my all entails. My all includes hands that clap until they turn red, singing until I am hoarse, jumping until I am out of breath. Even when I wonder why I do the things I do, I realise that for me, not to do them would be more of a fakery than when I do. It would be half-hearted worship.

I should stop here because I'm beginning to ramble.

And yet, so much more to vomit out... (oh headache, go away)

pharisees

Mat 3:7–10
But when he [John the Baptist] saw many of the Pharisees and Sadducees coming to his baptism, he said to them, "You brood of vipers! Who warned you to flee from the wrath to come? Bear fruit in keeping with repentance. And do not presume to say to yourselves, 'We have Abraham as our father,' for I tell you, God is able from these stones to raise up children for Abraham. Even now the axe is laid to the root of the trees. Every tree therefore that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire.”

It’s easy enough for us to dismiss this as a warning against the Pharisees and Sadducees (religious authorities) of that day, or to think that this warning only applies for the Jews who believe that as God’s chosen people, they are the only ones who will be saved. Have you ever pondered about its application to modern Christians today? We have whole families whose generations are all Christians, from the grandparents to grandchildren (or more). We call them 2nd, 3rd or 4th generation Christians, etc. Churchianity is on the rise, evidenced by modern exhortations that ‘being born in a Christian family doesn’t make you a Christian as much as being born in MacDonald’s doesn’t make you a burger’ (or garage / car, you get the drift).

Think about it.

You brood of vipers! Who warned you to flee from the wrath to come? Bear fruit in keeping with repentance. And do not presume to say to yourselves, “We are faithful church-goers,” for I tell you, God is able from these stones to raise up followers of Christ. Even now the axe is laid to the root of the trees. Every tree therefore that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire.

blah and balderdash

I don't know how to explain where I am right now, though Ben would say that I do know and I just don't want to say it.

Fine, if it makes it any clearer, I am at a place where I want to strike out on my own and do the things I have always told myself that I wanted to do, and YET I am in a conviction where I know I am supposed to stay.

And maybe all the things I should be letting go is the things that I've always said I wanted to do; the drama, the dance, the self-seeking glorification muddled up in words that paint it all for the glory of God.

The question that presents itself then is: what am I staying FOR?

And there lies my weakness. Because I want a reason for staying. Because I want someone to tell me, if I stay, what I will get out of it. Will I be able to build? Will I be able to find love? Will I be able to grow and nurture the things I have a passion for? Will I be truly be doing God's will?

And I need to know this because if I leave, I know why I am leaving. I know that in going, there are things that I will be able to do. I will be closer to my network of friends, I will be purposefully and intentionally seeking to put myself in a position to hone my skills. Skills that people tell me I have, that I have erratic faith in, and in which I hardly know what to do with, and yet skills that I firmly believe are good and useful but which people often ignore and put down.

It doesn't help that you talk about job merits and job environment and job prospects and job this and that, because that REALLY ISN'T the factor at all.

It's difficult for me to put this in words, because I tend to gloss over the things that really need to be said. There's this thing in me that argues about pursuing God's will and how overly super-spiritual that sounds and how tacky and how it doesn't do anything to help in the discussion BECAUSE every time you use that phrase "GOD'S WILL" people will just go "okay" and you NEVER EVER get to anything more useful, like maybe, "why am I covering up this thing in pretending that I heard from God?" or even "how do I even know it's God or if it's me?"

If you get what I mean.

Which, if you've been in the same position, all you will tell me is to pray, and to which I will tell you, pray to what purpose? Pray to what end? It all comes back to the same thing, which in effect is, I am running away. And yet there is a dissatisfaction to the conclusion as if maybe there is something wrong in my lines of thinking. Maybe there is a fault line in this world view of mine that I just can't see. And it doesn't help that you give me vague answers and vague advice because all it does is add to the confusion. It doesn't help when you say to let go of everything because I don't know what there is to let go anymore. I don't know what there is left to say. I've gone from knowing to not knowing to knowing to not knowing to coming to the conclusion that it doesn't really matter and still I need a conclusion. I need a closure. I need a definitive solution which is not coming.

And which, if you've never been in the same position, would just write it off as super spiritual blathering.

Maybe I am afraid of having any passion at all. Or having too many. Because nothing ever works out for me.

indecision

Indecision paralyses you.
More often than not, it's the waiting for a decision, or waiting for a clue or answer to make a decision that kills you and demotivates you more than if you just decided on the spur of the moment.

I've been playing the waiting game, wondering if there is a right or wrong decision, a better or worse one. And frankly, this over-thinking and over-analysing is driving me nuts.

I need downtime. Desperately.