#bookreview: Subversive Jesus by @craigasauros

Subversive Jesus: An Adventure in Justice, Mercy, and Faithfulness in a Broken World by Zondervan Publishing
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

From its very title, Subversive Jesus: An Adventure in Justice, Mercy, & Faithfulness in a Broken World, is meant to make you stop and think.
Greenfield shares the story of his journey from New Zealand to the slums of Cambodia (more of that in The Urban Halo: A Story of Hope for Orphans of the Poor), to Downtown Eastside Vancouver, where he spearheaded a community that ministers to the poor and neglected. Nestled between ministry anecdotes and life stories are nuggets of truth about the way Jesus meant us to live.

Subversively.
Generously.
Openly.

You probably won’t have the same call that Greenfield had to minister to the poor in developing countries, or to live in the slums amidst the desperately poor and the drug addicts. Or you may (and now you have a model to look at). But that isn’t the point. The point is to shake you out of your comfortable Christianity that only seeks the blessings of God, and puts you back into the mission field, remembering that even from the start, from when God called Abraham, that we are blessed to be a blessing, so that all peoples on earth will be blessed. The point is to remind you that the mission field isn’t just out there in other countries, but right here, at your doorstep, amidst the communities that you live in, in the middle of your heart and your passion.
And whilst God calls some to go, he calls many of us to stay.

Read my reflections:

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 11

View all my reviews

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Craig's book launches on April 26th. Do go pick up a copy here!

Pre-order Subversive Jesus and get these resources free:

• A 14-day devotional e-book: 14 Days of Jesus, Compassion, and Justice: Rethinking your Faith in a Broken World.
• A 4-week e-book Small Group Discussion Guide.

(Head over to http://www.craiggreenfield.com/ to see how you can do that!)

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Faith, fear and costs

I was thinking of not writing this, but then I decided that I should, if only so that I would remember.
I don't know where to begin.

---

The point is to not let your fear keep you from where faith wants to lead you. (Paraphrased from Pr Greg Devries.)
But that is where I live sometimes; camping out in past miracles, too afraid to move on to the next thing because I don't know where I'm going or what it will look like. Because I cannot yet (properly) split who I am from the things I do. And I am afraid of how spectacularly I will fail and how that will destroy me.
I don't know why I'm convinced I will fail. Probably because I don't have a workable plan.

And bang into my paranoid, kiasu (afraid to lose), kiasi (afraid to die), Asian heart came also this word that from eternity, God plants a seed in time - he sees a need on the earth and creates a person to deal with that problem/need... and takes into account your psychological need to plan, to think, to change your mind a gazillion times, to stress out about the future, to go crazy thinking of plan A and plan B and plan C and dither and then shrugs and goes "off you go now." (Super paraphrased from Pr Quoc).

It's freaky that when you finally go for prayer (because you've been subconsciously avoiding it for a while) the pastor quotes "Satan has asked to sift you like wheat" in his prayer and then goes on to pray for freedom from depression, which is what you've been denying for a while. Because you're not even sure what depression looks like. Because you're living just fine and everything is carrying on as usual.

And somewhere in the midst of this is where I come to the point of this post, which was really the culmination of the notes I wrote in church one Sunday:

Do not jump from security to security. It's okay to be insecure while you trust God. Because that's trust.

And along with that gem comes the feeling that the time is coming to say goodbye soon. Not to say that it will happen very immediately, or that I've figured out what's going to happen, but that the word positioning and timing are becoming very, very important and relevant, especially considering that I've been reworking the notes for Following Jesus in the Real World for Cley discussions. And that maybe if the goal is to make an impact in the arts in Penang, as you've prayed about, as you've written about and talked about, and moaned about, it might be time to count the cost and position yourself where you need to be. Even if it's a pay cut and an end to free trips to the US. Even if you don't know yet where that is going to be or what it's going to look like.

Because you need to live in the here and now. Because your heart cannot be divided across geographical space and your life cannot be divided over segmented time. Because your tenuous focus needs to be refined and refocused and not spread over a gazillion things at once, because frankly, you are a pretty horrible multitasker.
And your call, for now, is here until God says otherwise.

The dream sustains us through the process.

But your heart also needs to respond.
Be it unto me according to Your Word. 

Fragments: I am Thine; #Easter #poetry

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O, whither dost thou wander, treacherous heart of mine?
O, whither wilt thou go, how far and for how long a time?
How long wilt thou cry for relief no man can give
While running far and fast from the only true reprieve?

---

And my heart breaks
Again and again and again
Because I don't know where I'm going
Although I do.
And I know I must die to live again
But I am afraid of death
I am afraid of giving up the things that mean the world to me
But are not
I am afraid that once I let you go,
I will be bereft forever.
But I know that my heartsong sings
In words that only one can understand
That in the silences are the beats of his heart
And in the noise is the strength of his hands
And in my chaos is his peace.

---

O death, where is thy victory?
O grave, where is thy sting?

---

You call to me, like an insistent lover
Telling me over and over
I am yours, you are mine
I am yours, you are mine

You pull me close, and I lean my head on your breast
Listening to your heartbeat
Close to mine
Oh, so close to mine

And when I close my eyes, all I can hear
Is a heart that beats for me
But I am out of sync,
Drawn away

By the dragon's flight, by the wings that beat
By the splendour and pomp this world brings
By the words that tumble through my head
Until I realise -

That you are Eldest,
Wisest amongst the Wise
The First and Only,
The Creator of all,
In your eyes are the Fires of Creation
On your lips, the Word of Life
The Binding Word that holds all things.

You are Eru Iluvatar and Aslan:
The first, the Creator, the uncreated one.
You are the Ancient Tongue and the Words of Power
For when you speak, all things are made, all things are revealed.
You are Aragorn and Belgarion,
The promised, the hoped for, the messiah.
And when I frame you in the worlds that I live in
I understand you a little better than before.

And my heart again falls into step
Closer, but not quite,
Prone to starts and stops
As fears take me and release me
And I cry out
But the wind steals my breath, carrying away my words
And there is nothing but clamour
Yet underneath it all, that steady beat
That draws me, draws me nearer
With a song that resonates with mine
Until we are lifted in flight
And all we know is that

I am Yours and You are mine
I am Yours and You are mine
I am Yours

---

Oh whither dost thou wander, fickle heart of mine?
To the garden of thy lover, where thy fate will twine
With his ever deeper as he bids you come
Behold the place where he cried, "It is done!"

And in thy faithlessness he speaks
"I have come to strengthen the bones that are weak
And you have nothing left to fear
For all your thoughts to me are dear."

Glorifying God with your talents (Be yourself!)

So I have about 1.5 hours in the San Francisco Airport until my plane boards. I figured that's enough time for one post, even though a post normally takes me about 2 hours. Hah. I just have to be less long-winded then. Or less picky. Or less... distracted. (Definitely less distracted. Shoo, facebook!)

I've been kind of wanting to write a proper proper post for a while now, but have been busy travelling and then being distracted and then being tired and then being busy working and then... you know, life doesn't just want you to sit down and reflect and have a cup of tea and write rambles sometimes. But since this is down time anyway...

Well, during one of the cell groups I attended here, Iris asked "what do you think God is speaking to you about?" (or something along those lines). I think the biggest thing for me, which has been felt over and over again every week at church, is just the feeling of release, that it's okay to just let go and do stuff, because it glorifies God. I'm going to need to backtrack a long way to explain this properly, I think. I'm not even sure if I know how to explain it properly.

A gazillion years ago (or maybe about fifteen?), we were having one of those cell group days when it was just us faithful three - Josh, Fran and I. So we decided to just do extended worship (I think we walked out for supper after that, or that could have been another cell meet) and I remember Josh saying something like that I would bless people with my song, with my harmonies. (As you can tell now, I don't have a very good memory.) And I kept that word, because it was precious to me.

Then somewhere along the way, I became afraid. Self-conscious. Part of it was the worry that I was wanting to sing, wanting to do all this stuff for my own ego, because I liked doing it, and because I was good at it. Part of it was the introverted me getting shy when the spotlight came and when people praised me. And I think what confused me a lot was that strange feeling of wanting to be praised but not knowing how to respond to it, mixed with the feeling of not wanting to be praised and letting my gifts glorify God, jumbled up with the voice that said if no one notices or acknowledges what I'm doing, I'm just not good enough.

I don't know if anyone else feels the same way. (Please raise your hand if you do. Virtually, of course.) The question I think I really had was how do you know if you're doing this for God or for your own pride? I guess this is especially relevant for any Christian involved in stage ministries (singing, music, writing, - anything that showcases a visible talent) because it's easy to start serving in these ministries for God, and then get distracted and start doing it for your own ego. And all the while telling yourself that you're doing it for God.

Anyway, I guess what happened was that I started holding back. I didn't want to stand out, I didn't want to seem like I was showing off, I didn't want to push stuff, because of the thought "what will people say?" (I struggle with this a lot). And I felt what God has really been telling me this whole while is, I've given you talents for you to USE them.

So I tell myself - It doesn't matter what people say. It doesn't matter if I'm singing too loud. It doesn't matter if I look weird. It doesn't matter because if I'm doing it for God, and if my motives are pure, who is man to judge me?

This is especially crucial for me at this time, because my head is running full steam ahead with a gazillion plans - a new musical on the way (hopefully!), a creative arts team to start up, a whole creative arts network to build across Malaysia. The check is always to remember why I want to do this - not for myself, not for the glory, but to be able to build a ministry, build a place where people, creative people, can mirror God's beauty and creativity in our world.

There's much more to be said about this, but there are announcements and signs going up at the gate although there's another half hour to go before boarding but I get antsy about this kind of thing, so I'm going to stop here.

I don't know if it's made much sense because I don't have time now to read through the whole chunk of text I just vomited out but I hope it makes some sense to you.

So, goodbye America.

I'm on my way home. :)

To the guys who were protesting outside the Sacramento Memorial Hall

It was really strange to hear that there were protesters outside the Sacramento Memorial Hall Saturday night after the Jesus Culture Encounter. Maybe stranger for me because we don't have this kind of thing back home. They were holding placards and stuff and were preaching on the side walk which was even weirder because they were preaching Christ to the Christians.

Anyway, I was listening to these two guys because my friend Ciara had started to engage with one of them, and the other guy started talking to the rest of us looker-ons (watchers? spectators? audience?). I didn't say much at the time because I don't like confrontations and basically I wasn't up to forming much sentences at that time but this morning I was just thinking there's really a lot of stuff I could have said to them, so I guess this is it.

To the guy holding the placard: 

You kept saying that God hates sin and God hates sinners. You kept saying over and over again that you're a sinner, that you're worthless. And you kept saying that grace is good but there is judgement. There are people out there who believe only in grace and forget the judgement. I agree with you. I cannot help but agree with you, except for one thing. 

God does not hate the sinners. He hates the sin, yes. He hates it when we sin, yes. But he does not hate the sinners. Because if he did, Jesus would never have come. You want the Bible to back that up? 

John 3:16 says "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son, that WHOEVER believes in him will not perish but have eternal life." 

God loved the world. That means everyone, sinners included (which we all are). It doesn't say so that those who aren't sinners will not perish. It says whoever believes. 

Romans 5:8 says "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."
Did you read that? While we were still sinners - if that doesn't show how much God loves us sinners, what does? You can't justify that God hates us so much that he died for us, can you?
Most of all, I'd like you to mull over Romans 8 and see how this impacts your view of your relationship with God:

"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, 2 because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you[a] free from the law of sin and death. 3 For what the law was powerless to do because it was weakened by the flesh,[b] God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh to be a sin offering.[c] And so he condemned sin in the flesh, 4 in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the flesh but according to the Spirit."

It doesn't mean we are perfect. It doesn't mean that we don't sin anymore. It doesn't mean that we won't be judged. But what it does mean is that we aren't being judged now for what we have done. It means you can wake up every morning and set your life right with God again, because His mercies are new every morning (Lamentations 3:22-24). And when the judgement does come, we can stand assured that Christ has paid for it on the cross. And if you have been pursuing him, following after Him, you would know that you have been made righteous because of what He has done.

Which leads to the other guy:
Everything you said, I agree with. Thank you for not jumping to conclusions about what was being said in the hall or not (The text was 2 Kings 9:1-10 and Matthew 6:6, since you were wondering) The thing is people speak in stories because that's the easiest way for truth to be disseminated. Jesus spoke in parables. What are parables, but stories?
I thought it pretty cool that that young kid was telling you an illustration we just heard that morning, though I think you got a little confused by the way he was telling it. Maybe the best word I can say to you right now is to maybe not watch what others say so much in trying to catch them out, in trying to prove them wrong, but just to listen to people with a heart of love and let God move you in the right ways.
Sometimes we try so hard to live right that we try to make others live right in our own eyes, we forget what Matthew 7 says - Do not judge, or you too will be judged. 2 For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. The more we try to call out the faults of our fellow Christians, the more we fall under that judgement as well.
And yes, while everyone could do with a little more solid Bible knowledge and teaching, it doesn't mean that things you feel and experience should be totally discounted as well. Because, you know, everything you feel for the children in Africa is also a feeling, right?

I don't know if they will ever read this. (Probably not). But there, I said it.
If only sometimes my brain would work on the spot.
But I hate arguing, you know. And I could tell that everything I said would have been made into an argument and my brain would have exploded. 

Have you found your purpose in life?

Last weekend, I attended a workshop called Life Purpose Planning. We were asked to write our Personal Mission Statement as part of the workshop and I was totally prepared for it - kinda. What's so hard about writing down something that's already been percolating in my head for so long?

The problem, as I wrote, was that my own dream was giving me palpitations. Not the excited-I-love-this-dream kind of palpitations, but the I'm-on-the-verge-of-a-panic-attack kind. And then when Uncle Sam prayed for me, what he said (probably paraphrased by now) was, "Stop scaling down your dreams."

What, my totally (to me) audacious prayer was scaled down?

Yes - because that was back in March, and on the first day of the workshop when I was scribbling notes to form my statement, I had drawn a little arrow which took me from Penang to Malaysia. And promptly forgot all about it, albeit a little purposefully.

I do this all the time because I cannot believe that I can do all the things I want to do. Half the time I'm not even sure I want to do all the things I want to do. Because bed + books + rain + anti-socialism = awesome introverted me. When I'm home alone on a weekend, I can go the whole day without saying anything at all. I don't feel the need to call anybody, talk to anybody, or even chat with anybody - and here I am writing out a Personal Mission Statement that, for one thing, talks about building community and uses the words facilitate and speak. 

And the thing I was just thinking of, which may be totally weird for all you super-go-getters and extroverts who chase all your dreams and never ever ever ever settle, is that I always ask for more, but settle for less.
Because I always settle. It's easier to say "this is enough" because I'm afraid of what more would entail, because I am more afraid of the sword of Anna than the sword of the Lord. And because, you know, bed. books. snuggling under the comforter. comfort. not having to think so hard. not having to think at all. books. I'm lazy -

and the life I'm choosing is one that is totally at odds with who I think I am.

During Encounter Weekend a gazillion years ago (well, maybe 10 - I'm not sure) I asked for boldness, and was told, "but you are so bold". But I'm not. I'm frightened. I'm a two year old kid wailing because it is scary. It's not even dark. It's just scary. I'm just good at pretending and hiding behind the anonymity of the web where I don't have to see you when I talk (or type) and I never have to press "publish" or "send" if I chicken out. But life can't be wholly lived out behind the computer screen.



Roughly translated, the song says:

You're my rock
You're my fortress (I keep thinking of retaining walls, though, as a translation for benteng?)
I lay my future before You
In every thought
In every hope
I'm convinced You know what's best for me

Because You're the Almighty
You're God
I believe it's Your grace that strengthens me
Because You're mighty
You're the King
Nothing is impossible for You 

Except when I myself stand in the way.
Because it's me and yet it's not me, if you get what I mean. And yet it is the mountain I prayed for. And while I would rather not, at the same time, it's what pulls me and pushes me and inspires me. Don't worry if you're confused. I am too.

It's been many years in the making, but I think I've discovered my holy discontent. It's probably not news to you at this point of time. But as I look though my fireplace postings, there's a growing stream of evidence that it's been building, slowly but surely, noticeably.

So again and again, I say yes. Because what else is there to say?



AnugrahMu kepadaku / Your grace towards me
Tak pernah berubah / Has never changed
Perbuatan-Mu terlukiskan / Your works are written (etched?)
Didalam hatiku / In my heart
Tercengang ku dibuat-Mu / I'm astounded by Your works
Ku kagum pada-Mu / I marvel at who You are
Tak ada hal di hidupku yang luput dari-Mu / No detail of my life escapes from You 

Kau indah / You're wonderful (beautiful)
Kau mulia / You're glorious
Tiada seperti-Mu / There is none like You
Kuingin hidupku menyenangkan-Mu / I want my life to be pleasing to You

Kau terawal dan terakhir / You're the first and the last (Alpha & Omega)
Pencipta segalanya / Creator of all things
Seluruh bintang pun bersinar  / All the stars shine
Oleh ucapan-Mu / At Your word
Engkau pun mengasihiku / You love me
Penulis hidupku / The author of my life
Tak henti seg’nap nafasku menyembahMu selalu / I will never stop worshipping You

Kupuji / I praise 
Kusembah / I worship
Tiada seperti-Mu / There is none like You
Kuingin hidupku menyenangkan-Mu / I want my life to be pleasing to You

Chorus:
S'gala puji / All praise
S'gala hormat / All honour
Seg'nap hatiku menyembah-Mu / I worship You with all my heart
Terimalah seg'nap hidupku / Accept my life
S'bagai persembahan yang hidup / As a living sacrifice

Bridge:
Bukan kehendakku / Not my will
Namun kehendak-Mu / But Your will
Hidupku bagi-Mu / I live for You
Kau indah / You're wonderful (beautiful)
Kau mulia / You're glorious
Kuingin hidupku menyenangkan-Mu / I want my life to be pleasing to You

#fireplace: Is your laziness stronger than your passion?

2 Thessalonians 3:6-15

It's funny, how after finally having time to myself after eight months, I immediately turn into a huge lump of lard that just wants to laze in bed and read books. (Fact: I've read 10 books since leaving KPMG on 22 August. That's ten books in two weeks.) What happened to all the grandiose plans of *ahem* helping the worship team, starting a creative arts team, editing that book, writing and blogging consistently?

It's coming. I promise. I just need this to run its course.

The problem, of course, with the fallacy of "running its course" is that the course never ends. The current of laziness and apathy and just plain sloth merely prolongs itself into infinity, because, you know, procrastination.

http://adventuresinmonaland.com/2012/01/23/%E3%83%84motivation-in-monaland-%E3%83%84-what-are-you-waiting-for/

And the problem (since I seem to like defining problems) is that we (you; I) think that time is our own. That what I do or do not do has no bearing on anything or anyone but myself - but that is inherently untrue. The time I spent being a total complete utter bum yesterday could have been spent in building up the saints in church. It could have been spent drafting (or rather, redrafting) the mission and purpose of building a creative arts team in church. It could have been spent editing that manuscript. It could have been spent writing the book reviews I signed up for. But no - it was spent reading a book that didn't need to be read (on any urgent basis), and surfing facebook and the internet. (Though maybe there is one good outcome: this post. Er, well, I hope it's good.)

Is your laziness stronger than your passion?

Mine seems to be that way right now. The effort it takes for me to get "bum in chair, fingers on keyboard" seems like wrestling with a hungry man-eating lion. It's like climbing Mount Everest; no actually, it's like me trying to hike up Penang Hill. Penang Hill is at least somewhat possible no matter how improbable - Mount Everest will never happen. It's easier to continue reading another book because "writers need to read too" but when you're consuming at the rate I have been, it's quickly becoming a gorge fest, with no end in sight.

Sometimes I give the excuse that I don't do what I think I should be doing because I don't know what to do. The truth is, I don't know what to do because I'm too lazy to think it through, too lazy to work it through, too lazy to pray it through. I have vague ideas that I think I should do, but really, I'd rather be reading the next book on my never ending to-be-read list. I'd rather just be talking about it, because, you know, talking is easier than doing.

I long for brilliance, but all I have is mediocrity.

Just for the sheer reason that I have not set aside the time. 10,000 hours to become an expert in your field, isn't that what they say? There is time needed for reflection, for thinking, for work, for discipline. It's not discipline for discipline's sake, but discipline for the sake of the Body of Christ, for the sake of the saints, for the sake of your salvation - not that you are saved by what you do, but that by what you choose to do (or not to do) you work out your salvation in faith and works, purifying yourself in the fire of His truth, by the Word that does not return void. And if you, by your inaction, stop the work of Christ in and through your life, you become a blockage in the artery that seeks to send forth the Word.

In the parable of the two brothers (Matthew 21:28-32), you have the brother who says no initially, but then does it anyway, and you have the other brother who says sure, I'll do it but never gets round to it. And that's the thing isn't it? We refuse to commit so that we can be justified in our laziness, saying "we did not promise," and we quote the verse saying "let your yes be yes and your no be no" (Matt 5:37) glibly.

But we did. We promised. Not explicitly, no. But we promised. We promised to follow the Lord in His leading. We promised to follow the Church and leading of the pastors, and unless you have a revelation from God, duly considered, that this is not where you personally should go, you void that implicit promise through your inaction.

http://www.livin3.com/blogs/positive-life-blog/7626373-april-2013-inspirational-poster-quotes

Does that sound harsh? Maybe it is. Maybe I'm overreacting over two weeks of feeling lazy and anti-social. Maybe I'm just needing to be alone to recharge. And yet maybe it's true.

Maybe this apathy, this sloth, this inaction is what's holding you, and the church, back from being the spotless bride that God wants you to be.

I know it's holding me back.

You are not your father's son - you were never meant to be.

You are not your father's son.
You are not your mother's daughter.
You are more than that.

You do not merely stand in their shadow, to be consumed by it, to become only what they dreamt for you.
It is their right to dream.
But it is not your duty to fulfil.

You are who you are in your own right, born with your own dreams, visions birthed by God. And there comes a time when you need to grow up and throw off the yoke of who your parents are; not to defy them or to deny them, but to stand on their shoulders as your own person and say, "you have brought me this far, but I have much farther to go for God."

It is not wrong.
It is not their fault, and neither is it yours.
It is the way things were meant to be, as your parents have notched the arrow, and launch you - straight, unfaltering - into the path God meant for you.

And sometimes it is not a path they had thought you would take, but that's okay.
It is not your fault, nor theirs, and it is not a wrong path.
It is merely different.

You are not only your father's daughter.
You are not only your mother's son.
You were never meant to be merely that.
You were specially created by God for a purpose.

And you cannot fulfil that by hanging on to their coattails.

#GE13: What's new?

I figured since I wrote a post back in 2008 when I voted for the first time, I might as well write a post for today. As I write this, there's another 50 minutes for Malaysians to vote, and looking at the rate I'm writing, by the time I'm done, we'll be waiting for the results. (Sorry, there's just too much to process).

The one thing that stands out in this election is the overwhelming emotions that are surrounding it. Sure, people are disgruntled. But this is raw anger, and anger that's not always directed at the right place. It borders on turning irrational, and I'm not sure if it isn't already irrational for some. It's as if everything must be black or white. BN is definitely black and PR is definitely white. Unless you're in BN's camp, then it's the other way around.

And what fuels this overwhelming emotion is the sheer mass of information and misinformation that is being spread across the internet, especially on facebook. It's so easy, by the click of a button to share a status - without even confirming if it is true. Someone commented on facebook (I can't recall who) that the best way to get something shared as if it is real is to just add this word in caps at the end of your status: "CONFIRMED".

(Okay it's 5.30pm and I've only reached here... wondering if I should continue the post - commercial break time.)




At the back of my mind is this thought that says regardless of who wins this time, it's already a win for Malaysia. For Malaysians. Citizens are more aware of the democratic process now and are more vocal about what they care about, which at this point of time seems to be getting rid of corruption. Citizens are realising that they do have a voice and that they can and should speak up legally, instead of always griping about the gomen (and then not doing anything constructive). Those who have never voted before are finally getting off their chairs and voting. (Proud to say my grandma has always voted.) And thanks to technology and social media, those who are playing dirty are being immortalised in digital ink (hopefully for prosecution?).

On the other hand (or in another thought) it has also exposed the immaturity of Malaysians when it comes to political discourse, as if physical might or public shaming is the right way to disseminate your views. And it shows up those who cry out for change but at the same time act exactly like those they are crying out against. (My pet peeve: if you believe in free speech, then act like you do!) There's much to be done still to educate Malaysians about politics and this is strange from someone whose most awesome encounter with politics comes from Orson Scott Card's Ender's Shadow series (Tom Clancy puts me to sleep)

Aside: Ender's Game releases Nov 1!! Trailer to be up May 7!!

And... I have been distracted again.


The anglophile in me has just one last thing to say: No matter what happens, keep calm and carry on.

Or my favourite alternative...

Waiting... http://keputusan.spr.gov.my/#dun/7

Selah

This weekend has been one of those kinds of days where you realise really random things.

Like for one, the teeny weeny little drummer boy is now... *drumrolls* taller than me and learning how to drive.

And for another, the reason I don't like this person is because I feel he treats me as a non-entity, just by the way he talks. Or rather, just by the way he excludes me from his conversations, even though I would say I have a vested interest in it.

Also, if you're really passionate about something, you'd do anything you can to finish your project even if it means another sleepless night.

Unless, of course, you get distracted over another important project which means something to you.

But this then pushes the main part of your life down to an ever lower priority, equating to more late nights in order to catch up (because you essentially "wasted" your weekends).

Which comes back to the main thought of this week, or month, or whatever: I cannot sustain this level of living for too long without breaking down.

I need to slow down.
Cut back.
Reprioritise.
And it comes back to this thought.

To only do that which is necessary.

#fireplace: audacious prayers

I didn't really intend to go up for altar call. I hardly ever do anymore. I guess I'm jaded about the whole go up and get someone to pray for you thing because oftentimes, I'm this invisible persona in the front where everyone else and their dogs gets prayed for before someone goes "oh, you're still here. Do you want to be prayed for?" I usually give up by that time and go home. Yes, extremely jaded, I know.

But I went up anyway. And this line was repeating itself in my head. Give me Penang. 

I'm like, what? You know, like, really?

Give me Penang.
Give me Penang for Your glory.

And I think it ties back to the things I've been thinking of for years now. Thinking of, but never really quite managing to do, as much as I wish I could. And yet somehow working towards it, slowly, surely. I stumbled across an old post here, which says this:

NOW pursue in faith and prayer, seeking to do His will in its perfect time.
New beginnings and the birthing of a vision will take time and hard work. It will not happen over days, weeks or months, but over a span of YEARS.
But it will not fail.

BELIEVE that this will be the first year in a span of many, the first birthing year for the laying of the vision, the communication of the plan and the gathering of the people.

There may be no fruits. There may be failures, tears and trials. But YOU have been anointed and commissioned by the prayers of the saints, the laying on of hands and the anointing of oil and if you hold on to that anointing, believing in faith and without doubt, you will see these things come to pass.

It comes back to something Pastor Kul Bal said during his sermon last Sunday - what are the graves in your life? What are the things that are holding you back? What are the things that are distracting you from your main purpose in life?

And the thing is that I'm distracted. I'm distracted by so many things that's happening in church and out of church. I'm distracted by GCF and EAGC and Headstart. I'm distracted by worship leading and the worship team. I'm even distracted by trying to get involved in drama and creative arts outside of church. I'm distracted by the craziness of my work and the deadlines I have to meet. All these things aren't bad in itself. They're good. They're things that need to be done. They're things I'm good at doing. But the thing is, it's not my primary focus. And because I am doing all these things, I'm not doing what I feel I should be doing: building a creative arts team. 

Something has to give somewhere. I'm stretched too tight, because they need people. And they do. And I'm sorry. But I have to stop running around in circles and stop wishing.

Give me Penang. 
Give me this space as my theatre, my workshop, my dance hall.
Give me Penang for You.

Sometimes, I frighten myself.

a musical interlude

So bring this into Your church
Draw us into You again
Where we'll dance before Your throne
Where we'll lift our voices in wordless songs

So let hope rise,

And darkness tremble

In Your holy light,

And every eye will see

Jesus, our God,

Great and mighty to be praised

With everything
With everything

We will shout for Your glory

Then release us to Your waiting world

Desperate for light again

Where we'll dance to Your rhythms of grace

Where we'll sing your words of love

Sleep, Don't Weep: #atozchallenge

Sleep, don't weep, my sweet love
Your face is all wet and your day was rough
So do what you must do to find yourself
Wear another shoe, paint my shelf
Those times that I was broke, and you stood strong
I think I found a place where I...

“Are you coming up yet?” He leaned over the banisters, watching her.
“Just a little while more.” Her fingers were covered in paint, her face screwed in concentration, putting the finishing touches on the rose.
“It’s beautiful.” He sat down beside her as she laid her paint brush down, throwing an arm around her.
“I’m a mess.”
“You’re a beautiful mess.”
She laughed. “Is this our nightly ritual?”
“It’s coming to be.”
“Oh, Sky.”
And then she was crying in his arms, a raw, heaving sob.
“Hush.”

Sleep, don't weep, my sweet love
Your face is all wet 'cause our days were rough
So do what you must do to fill that hole
Wear another shoe to comfort the soul
Those times that I was broke, and you stood strong
I think I found a place where I feel I will...

The sheets were tangled around them, her head lay on his chest.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered.
“Why?” he said sleepily, an arm slowly stroking her long, dark hair.
“I know we can’t afford it.”
“Afford what?”
“I bought a pair of heels.”
“How much was it?”
“Sixty.”
He was silent for a moment.
“Are you angry?”
“No, sweets. I’m not. Don’t worry about it.”

Sleep, don't weep, my sweet love
My face is all wet 'cause my day was rough
So do what you must do to find yourself
Wear another shoe, paint my shelf
Those times that I was broke, and you stood strong
I hope I find a place where I feel I belong

“We might have to move,” he said.
“Again?”
His eyes were staring at the ceiling, unseeing. “The landlord wants to raise the rent.”
“Where else can we go?”
“I don’t know.”
“I’m so tired, Sky. We’ve been working so hard…”

Sleep, don't weep, my sweet love
My face is all wet 'cause my day was rough

---

Sleep, Don't Weep by Damien Rice. 

Restless: #atozchallenge

I am the sea on a moonless night
Calling falling, slipping tides
I am the leaky, dripping pipes
The endless, aching drops of light

I am the raindrop falling down
Always longing for the deeper ground
I am the broken, breaking seas
Even my blood finds ways to bleed

Pace. Endlessly, up and down. Because the room isn’t long enough, large enough, wide enough.
“Sit still, will you?”
“But I can’t.”

Even the rivers ways to run
Even the rain to reach the sun
Even my thirsty streams
Even in my dreams

I am restless
I am restless
I am restless
Looking for you
I am restless
I run like the ocean to find your shore
Looking for you

“What are you looking for?”
“You.”
“But I’m here.”
“I can’t seem to reach you.”
“Take my hand.”
“I can’t.” Her fingers grazed the wall between them.

I am the thorn stuck in your side
I am the one that you left behind
I am the dried-up doubting eyes
Looking for the well that won’t run dry

Running hard for the other side
The world that I've always been denied
Running hard for the infinite
With the tears of saints and hypocrites

Let go. Breathe in, release. “Why couldn’t it be? Why do things have to be this way?” she screamed, tears streaming down her face.
Silently, he wrapped his arms around her. “Trust me.”
“Why should I?”
“Because I love you.”
“Do you?” Cynical. Broken. The spear that pierced the Saviour’s side.

Oh blood of black and white and gray
Death in life and night in day
One by one by one
We let our rivers run

“Konig…”
“Oh, you call me that, do you?”
“I don’t know what else to call you.”
“My love.”

I am restless
I am restless
I am restless
Looking for you
I am restless
I run like the ocean to find your shore
Looking for you

“Which way do you mean it?”
“Any. Both. Which ever means most to you.”
“Why?”
A shrug of the shoulders. A smile, playing on his lips. “I am here. Find me.”

I can hear you breathing,
I can hear you leading
More than just a feeling
More than just a feeling
I can feel you reaching
Pushing through the ceiling
Til the final healing
I'm looking for you

Pace. Past the endless glass that separates. On and on.
“You’re still there.”
“And you’re still there.”
Fingers brushing against frosted windowpanes, losing sight. “Come back!”
“I’m still here.” His breath warm against her neck. “If you would step over, I am here.”

Until the sea of glass we meet
At last completed and complete
Where tide and tear and pain subside
And laughter drinks them dry

I’ll be waiting
Anticipating
All that I aim for
What I was made for
With every heartbeat
All of my blood bleeds
Running inside me
Looking for you

Step through, skin melting through the cold glass, a shiver passed through her.
“Stay.”
“I don’t know if I can.”
“You can.”
“I’m slipping away.”
He held her as she faded through the glass. “Then I’ll stay.”

Looking for you

---

Restless lyrics from Switchfoot. 

fireplace: a common mission, a deeper love

Question: What kind of God would put people through such agony? What kind of God would give you families and then ask you to leave them? What kind of God would give you friends and then ask you to say good-bye?
Answer: A God who knows that the deepest love is build not on passion and romance but on a common mission and sacrifice.
Answer: A God who knows that we are only pilgrims and that eternity is so close that any “Good-bye” is in reality a “See you tomorrow.”
Answer: A God who did it himself.

No Wonder They Call Him Saviour, Max Lucado, pg 21.

Maybe this short snippet caught my attention because that’s what I’ve been writing about. Daniel, the protagonist in our church musical, has lost both his parents. Edmund and Emily Lee have lost their only son. I’ve been delving into loss with this story, curling up around hurt and emotional scars on and off for the past three months. There is a lot of loss, but also a lot of hope, because they find a family in each other - at least Daniel and Emily do.

And yet thinking about it again, maybe what really caught me was that first answer which resonated deep within - that the deepest love is not build on passion and romance but on a common mission and sacrifice. I’ve griped often enough that I’m tired of being single. It hurts to be single sometimes when everyone else seems to have a life partner. It’s tiring when people ask something along the lines of “so when are you going to get one?” as if getting a boyfriend is like browsing on the shelves for an eligible guy and picking one. I’ve liked enough guys in my lifetime but it always comes round to the question of where we’re heading.

As picky as it may sound, I would find it very frustrating to live with someone who does not understand music and who does not understand this overwhelming drive for stories. He doesn’t have to be a musician/singer-songwriter/author/actor/dancer for me to fall in love with him (though any one, or a combination, of those would be awesome), but there must be an ability to appreciate these arts, to get it. There must also be a capacity to work at something to its completion, to sacrifice sleep, to keep pressing on in our craft just because “this was what we were made to do”.

I need him to be the flint, the iron that sharpens iron, the deep that calls out to deep, and I want to be the same for him. But this can only work if we are moving in the same direction, with the same calling.

Oh, I want passion and romance as much as the next girl, but somehow, that’s not enough. I want a life partner with whom I can serve. I want someone who I can partner with in ministry. I’ve always thought that husband/wife teams in ministry are the sweetest thing ever - and also the most effective and powerful.

I know I’ve gone off tangent to what Lucado was trying to say, talking of a ministry that drips with the tears of farewell. I’ve known good-byes. I know impermanence, and the feeling of loss even when there is none. But I also know that He has done this so that there is hope and hellos in our future as well, not only the tears of good-bye.

fireplace: centre me

I have, and have had for many years, a little plaything, a toy, something I like to consider and something which sparks off ideas in me. It is simply two circles of heavy copper wire linked together like two links of a chain. I play with this so often that at times I am quite unaware that I have it in my hands. On one occasion I was holding it so the circles stood at right angles to each other.
Anna pointed to one of the circles and said, “I know what that is - that’s me. And that’s Mister God,” she said, pointing to the other. “Mister God goes right through my middle and I go right through Mister God’s middle.”
And that’s how it was. Anna had grasped that her proper place was in God’s middle and that God’s proper place was in her middle.
Mister God, This is Anna, by Fynn.

Some days you just wish that faith could be that simple. That you could just grasp that God goes right through your middle, cutting through everything else.
Because something is askew here, something is off balance.
Too many things crowd out the remembrance that somewhere in your centre, there is someone, waiting to pull all things together, waiting to consolidate your life, to bring things back into balance.

So cut through to my centre. Pull things back into perspective. Make the world spin away, fall away like dust. Enfold me in Your spirit, Your love, Your presence.
Still these juggling balls, these many hats, these many faces, bringing them into orbit around You.
Remind me it’s Your face I seek, not the fame around me. That it’s Your voice that cuts through these hearts, not mine. That it’s Your words that matter, not the little I have to say.
Remind me that it’s everything to do with You and Your glory.
Then let me glory in You.

—

Jesus at the centre of it all
Jesus at the centre of it all
From beginning to the end
It will always be
It’s always been you Jesus
Jesus 

Getting confused over time zones

Some time last night I received an e-mail from a triberr mate, saying their e-book - The Prophecy (An Estilorian Short Story) - was free on Amazon for a day. It was late, I was tired, I ignored it until the next morning when I woke up and started wondering - is it still "today"? (It turned out it was, thankfully.)

The song Jet Lag by Simple Plan featuring Natasha Bedingfield comes to mind...

This song has been banging around in my head for a while now, expecially the chorus:

You say good morning
When it's midnight
Going out of my head
Alone in this bed
I wake up to your sunset
And it's driving me mad
I miss you so bad
And my heart, heart, heart is so jetlagged
Heart, heart, heart is so jetlagged
Heart, heart, heart is so jetlagged

I'm not specifically missing anyone, just to be clear. I'm just merely jetlagged from trying to figure out the timezones when I communicate with people. It's just one of the peculiarities of my blog and my twitter feed where majority of my tweeter/blogger friends are from the US, who are generally something like 12 - 16 hours behind where I am in Malaysia. And I get confused.
I don't know if I confuse people, either, by posting say, a Friday Flash on Friday morning, when it's Thursday evening elsewhere. This did become a bit sticky for Susan's Open Minds launch. There was a tiny bit of confusion as to when I should post... 1st Nov my time or 1st Nov hers? Or... Oh well, it was sorted out so no biggie.  
On an aside, I was also wondering, do the dates of my posts appear according to my time or according to the reader's time? Hm.... 

The other thing about living on the wrong side of the world, is not being able to buy e-books off Amazon. Sigh. Especially when they're being "sold" at "Free" for a day or two. Well, for those of you who can, The Kayson Cycle is free for 3 days from since erm... yesterday. 

fireplace: keep me from falling

Now unto him that is able to keep you from falling, and to present you faultless before the presence of his glory with exceeding joy, to the only wise God our Saviour, be glory and majesty, dominion and power, both now and ever. Amen.

Jude 1:24-25

Isn’t it great to remember that even as we step into a new year we step into it knowing that we know the ending? Doesn’t it resonate with you that no matter what challenges this new year brings, He can and will keep you from falling?

It doesn’t matter what 2011 has been to you. It doesn’t matter even if you felt that it was a bitter defeat, even if you know that you failed to achieve everything you wanted to. Because we know that in the end, there is victory. These dreams He has put in you does not just die alone, unless you let it. Unless you tell Him that it is impossible. Because with Him all things are possible.

Opening a new book implies trust. It says I’m ready for a new adventure. I’ve read the blurb, I’ve previewed some chapters, and I’m ready to jump right into it, right now. You trust the author to give you something fresh, something new, something exciting. Sometimes they do, and sometimes they don’t, but you can’t enjoy a new book to its fullest if you’re still thinking about what the old one says. And this new year is a new book for you. It’s when you stand on the edge and say, “I trust in God’s promises”.

Saying this isn’t easy. It would be easy if all I was looking forward to was the same ol’ same ol’. But it’s not. I don’t want to stay the same. I don’t want to linger where His presence has passed by. I want to stop living in the place where we complain about what used to happen, or what it’s supposed to be like, without actually moving to make it happen. And I’m not saying “make it happen again” because I don’t want an again. I don’t want to be stuck searching for the same old anointing when there’s a fresh one waiting. I want to dive into the future, into the adventure, into the streams of life.

And the beginning of it all, is surely, to let go. But I have a fear of falling, of free falls, except that falling is where He catches you. Because faith, the only condition of our hearts that is capable of receiving the grace of God, goes by these words “against all hope, in hope believed”. And when you reach your lowest point, you remember the father who cried out, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”

It’s a new year. And I believe, for me, it’s a year of pushing on, of stretching, of becoming. I don’t know exactly what the road will look like, though I believe there will be some trust falls required. It’s scary, really, until I keep in mind that He is able to keep me from falling.

And where is your faith?

[edit: you should read this with the playlist.]

Sometimes I wonder where my faith lies in all this. This pursuit of a better sentence; of words that tug at your heart and try to build; this story that is bursting forth in mouldy rags.

Because somewhere along the way, the tangible presence became an intangible longing, and the intangible prize reached out its arms and masqueraded as the real thing. Ah, it is easier to destroy with a word than to build with a tome. And yet sometimes behind the stories are the kernels of truths, half-forgotten.

I need You, because without You all this is empty. And the longing shows in the depth of it all, because I am shallow. I skim the surface, looking for the emotions that shore me up, lift me up, forgetting the roots that dig deep into the refreshing fountains that never end. Forgetting the foundation that brought me here in the first place.

All of my life, in every season
You are still God, I have a reason
To sing, I have a reason to worship
Desert Song - Hillsong

Still You stay behind the scenes, working unseen the untold stories, playing out the hidden dramas, drawing forth the silent songs. And there is that core that says, return. It calls, drawing me, pushing me, saying there is more. Have you forgotten? These eyes have forgotten heaven in its splendour. majesty in the flesh.

Our God is greater
Our God is stronger
God you are higher than any other
Our God - Chris Tomlin

And strength cloaked in weakness bids me come again, to cry out because I cannot. Because my heart is weak; my knees, they knock; my hands, they shake. And again this dream is too big for me to hold, this mystery too vast for me to comprehend, this longing too overwhelming for me to bear. And I need You. And You are there.

So we cry out Your Name, El Shaddai, God of grace
We rely on Your grace, Adonai, crowned in praise
We Cry Out - Gateway Worship (excerpted)

And oh, the depth of this love, so easily forgotten, so easily discarded. Yet it beats; it pounds; it grasps. It never lets go. You never. let. go. And You spur us on, deeper in, higher up, further onwards, to Narnia and the north, to where the unseen realm meets reality, blended in magic and fire and glory and majesty, driven by the Great Myth.

We are His portion and He is our prize
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking
So Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets
When I think about, the way
And oh, how He loves us so
Oh how He loves us
How He loves us all
How He loves - David Crowder Band

Still. all. you. are. Breathe. deep. Remember.

Jesus, Your Name is Power
Breath, and Living Water
Such a marvellous mystery
Revelation Song - Kari Jobe & Gateway Worship

And all He is is all we are and all we are is all of His. And round it goes, the serpent that swallows it's tail in an endless ellipse. And where is your faith in the midst of it all?
Hidden.
In the depths.
Of who you are.
Of who you have forgotten.
Of who you long to be again.

The God I know
Your heart beats within me
As You are, so are we
The God I know - City Harvest Church

Wonderfully generous writers

Over the year as I've participated in various blogfests, notably the Rachael Harrie's Third Writers' Platform Building Campaign, Rule of Three (#REN3 or Renaissance) and the A to Z blog challenge in April, through twitter and through my Triberr group (Writer Warriors!), I've come to know quite a few very awesome writer people on the interwebs. One thing that really astonishes me is how remarkably generous they are. Here's some of them:

---

The first plug I'm going to make is somewhat personal. After all, my stories are on it. Katharina Gerlach has compiled a total of 176 stories from 81 different writers from the Third Writers' Platform Building Campaign (with our permissions, of course) and is offering it as a compilation titled Campaigner Challenges 2011.

To quote Cat in her own words,:

I "stumbled over" an eleven year old boy who taught me how much can be achieved by doing small steps every day persistently. His name was Harry Moseley, and he passed away peacefully in his mother’s arms on Saturday 8 October 2011 at 11.10pm. The most amazing thing about Harry (in case you haven’t heard yet) is that he single handedly raised over £85,000 (that’s roughly 137,000 USD) for brain cancer research by fund-raising and selling hand-made bracelets. Awed by this boy who looked death in the eye but who was determined to enjoy every day, I decided to raise funds for people in need too.

All proceeds from the sales of the book will go to Help Harry Help Others to fund more research on Brain Cancer. The ebook is currently available on Smashwords and Amazon at USD2.99 each.


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I haven't personally read Raine's books yet, but I met her through Triberr and have I've been following her blog. This month she's introduced the Raine Gives Back programme where 5% of all her monthly book earnings will be given to a charity of the month. If you're interested in fantasy/romance stories consider getting her books, the Saraquel Trilogy.

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Lisa Vooght from Flash Fiction posted about the With Love anthologies here.

The With Love Project was crafted by a small group of talented artists and authors, that donates to Doctors Without Borders. This project helps and supports Doctors Without Borders, donating enough money from the project to aide in providing vaccinations, support resources and AIDS medicine to those who couldn’t otherwise provide for themselves. The money is allocated for the various needs by Doctors Without Borders.

There are currently three books on offer - With Love, Dawn of Indie Romance and After Dark. Li has offered some snippets on her blog to promote the latest book, After Dark, and they are good. Of course, with Li in the mix, it has to be good. :)  It's currently on my to-buy list. Maybe it should be on yours too.

After Dark is available on Smashwords and Amazon.

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The next one isn't quite a book plug. I met Carol through the #amwritingparty hashtag on twitter. I don't think the hashtag is still going - the last time I check it seemed to be pretty dormant. Anyway, she is going on a medical mission to Haiti with Mission Haiti Medical and is raising funds from for the trip.

As part of this mission, all serving are required to get immunizations and raise enough to cover our plane tickets and stay in the meager accommodations as well as money for RX meds and supplies for the mission. Additionally, we're expected to bring as much over-the-counter medicine as we can carry...if you can spare even a dollar, less than the cost of a cup of coffee, that's a box of children's vitamins from the dollar store--at minimum. Because we also have pharmaceutical connections and can purchase RX drugs and supplies at cost, so that $20 can support the medical needs of something like 60 Haitians for over a month. 

Do give if you can. I just did.

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