Sunday, 29 May 2011

of miscellaneous jumbled thoughts

Am I Ephesus to serve and persevere, to test the prophets and hate evil, but to forget my first love?

The funny thing is, I think I'm more afraid of the sword of Anna than of the sword of the Lord. It's kind of like I'm afraid of what I can do, if I would only let myself do it. Maybe because it comes back to the fact that most times I am afraid of what I want to do because I am afraid of what other people would say/think. Which is, frankly, stupid.

Most of the time I don't think I have a problem with what God can do. It's usually the problem of what I can do with God. And maybe the crux of this matter is that I doubt myself too much. I doubt my motives too much. There's so much second-guessing and triple-guessing that sometimes I forget how to think straight. It seems that every time I allow myself to dream, I start to worry about whether this is my dream and my goals instead of what God wants me to do. And then in a moment of clarity, the thought comes that what if this IS a God dream? Except that these moments of clarity never last long enough before I slide into a but I can't valley of depression.

I need to stop thinking church. It should be central, but not centric. It should be an anchor, but not a basis. It should be a starting point but not the ending. Because the world is out there, and there is where I should be.

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