So maybe all it takes is a little step and a little commitment and everything starts to change.
I don't know what it was - it was a flowery, dancing feeling, something indescribable. It was a conviction that I needed to stop that. And so I did. I should have done it a long time ago, but I guess I wasn't ready. Maybe I wasn't listening hard enough.
I've realised this past few weeks that if I listen hard enough - and not just listen, but act - I would be seeing God's providence in so many different ways. Like the time I was thinking, maybe I shouldn't lock my gate, but I did anyway. And later on my neighbour calls to say that they need me to unlock my gate because they're doing roadworks on the drain. There - should have listened. And the time where I ran upstairs to get extra money even though I thought I probably wouldn't need it, and then found out that I did need it because we ended up dinnering somewhere fancy. Well, there was also the time I decided not to get the money, and ended up having to card it because I didn't have cash. Things like finishing up some outstanding work the night before the manager asked for it. There are other things, things that have slipped my mind at this moment, but I know they're there. Small things, but reminders.
It's butterflies and rainbows and promises that dance in my head.
And I want to dance.
It's difficult, I look up with longing at the unread books - just recently bought - that tantalise, and yet I remember that I promised. The rest of the year is a long stretch. I don't know if I will last that long. I might.
But I know I should, because His promises and His life is surely better than a stolen sleepless night.