Showing posts with label narratives. Show all posts
Showing posts with label narratives. Show all posts

Thursday, 11 August 2022

Inclusion and Diversity: A Rant

I have been struggling about whether to write about this but the anger and the bitterness are taking up too much space in my head, so maybe if it's written down in some form or other it will go away and leave me alone. For now. 

General life advice: never read the comments. Never, ever read the comments.

Even if they're on a post in a Facebook group that is, ostensibly, meant for...discussion. But what you don't read won't hurt you. And what you don't see won't send you into incandescent rage.

ANYWAY, this post is basically a response to a specific thread in a specific group, but I figured it's also a somewhat writing-related post which may (or may not, whatever) be helpful to people trying to navigate this whole thing around inclusion and diversity in fiction. I have been stewing over this since 29 July, so it's obviously not something I am about to just let go. I do not want to actually respond in the thread lest I BLOW UP AND RAGE QUIT. (I kind of like the other stuff that happens in the group so I'm trying not to rage quit at this point. Also, the admins and the founders have been kind and diplomatic and civil so I may just end up blocking a couple of people instead.) I also do not have the mental energy for arguing; my preferred method for dealing with confrontation is to walk. away. 

(But I am also passive-aggressive, hence this post.)

Note: It's been more than a week since I started writing this, the thread is quiet but reading it still leads to mild annoyance, so I suppose I will just finish the post. 

---

This whole kerfuffle started because someone had the audacity to say that adaptations to literature that make it more inclusive are a good thing. 

Which is, apparently, NOT the thing to say because all fantasy canon is holy and cannot be changed. (/s in case you weren't sure.)

Now, I'm not a very good fangirl. I find a lot of fannish things a little over the top and a bit too cultish at times. Example: I like LOTR but don't ask me to quote paragraphs for you. I'll probably never dress up like a hobbit, though we do joke that Penangites eat like hobbits. I do agree with many of the (other) comments that some recent adaptations *cough* The Hobbit *cough* were badly done because none of the additions made narrative sense. Yet...the most I'd do in response is go re-read the book and just never watch the movies ever again. I'm not a huge movie/series person anyway, so I'm probably not even going to watch The Thing they are obliquely complaining about. I'd also rather people write new stories with diverse characters and settings rather than remake old ones which are gender/race bent (sometimes the changes work, sometimes it's just...but why?) which is what many of them are pushing for. 

So, if I agree with so many of their talking points, why am I so bugged by the whole conversation? Because of the sense of entitlement and the overall tone of complaint that implies that Changing Anything In A Story By Adding Diversity Is A Personal Affront And An Attack On Me. 

I was going to post a bunch of quotes verbatim and address them, but for the sake of length and privacy, I'll just summarise their main points.


Changing the race of my favourite character steals something from me. Also, it's always a one-way thing; shows with predominantly POC characters are never rewritten to include/feature white people. 

I can't even begin to address the entitlement on this one. It's all "me! me! me!" here. How dare anyone make a story that's not meant for me?! How dare you make a story about someone else and not include someone like me?! /s 

There are many things in this world that are not made specifically for you, and that's okay! The original show still exists. You can go rewatch the original show and ignore the new one. Also, the point of this whole inclusion and diversity drive is to include people who have been historically erased from fiction (whether in books or on-screen), so reversing it to include MORE of the people who have millions of shows that reflect them...does not serve any purpose at all. 

 

We can learn to identify with themes in a story even if the characters don't look like us. 

Which is true! However, the commenter doubled down along the lines of "if I as a White Man can identify and learn from stories of other cultures, then POC don't need characters to look like them". Kudos for doing what we have always done. This totally ignores the fact that for many, many years, centuries even, everyone reading in English, of whatever race and ethnicity, has had to learn to identify with the White person and learn from their culture, so maybe it's time that we do not have to? That maybe, for once, it's nice to see a story we already love have people in it that look like us? To be fair, this was already addressed in the thread. It's just still annoying. 

 

Trying to make something that is for everybody cuts out diversity because some things just aren't relatable to some people.

First, nobody is trying to make something that is for everybody. They're just looking at a thing and going "hey look, the real world has a bunch of people with different skin colours living in the same place, plus a whole lot of people from different countries around the world enjoy this thing, so maybe this fantasy world should also have a bunch of different-looking people living in the same place". And if that makes a wider, more diverse pool of fans happy, that's what they want, isn't it? More people all around the world watching a show or reading a thing (and giving them more money)?

Second, I do not understand how that "cuts down the diversity". If the thing isn't relatable to you, just don't consume it. It doesn't mean that people should stop making it. I think that's a thing everyone else has already learnt. 

 

Making someone have a different skin color or gender doesn't make it more inclusive. My (white) sub-culture is rarely depicted well, yet I don't need a white woman to show up to enjoy the story. 

Great for you. If that's the case, then why are you so upset that someone Not White gets to be included in a story? I mean, we're not saying that we don't enjoy those stories either. In fact I'd say that sometimes we enjoy it so much that we (a general, inclusive we) would like to make adaptations of the thing so that other people who look like us can enjoy it even more!

But I'd like to reiterate that someone representing rural or homeschool culture wrong (which is a choice in most cases and something that you can change by say moving to a city or joining a public school) is different from someone representing your race with bad stereotypes (which is something you cannot change at all even if you moved across the world and had plastic surgery or skin grafts or whatever).

At any rate, I suppose this is a great segue into Personal Story Time. 

---

When I was a kid, we used to have these colouring books. I don't remember if they were princesses or fairies or whatever, but well, pretty girls in pretty dresses. And I was looking back at them one day (before throwing them out) and realised that the majority of the girls I coloured had blue eyes and blond hair. Which is weird because I'm 100% ethnically Chinese, living in Malaysia which is in Southeast Asia, an area that has a very minuscule percentage of blue-eyed, blond-haired people. 

When I started writing, I would hardly ever describe my characters. I'd use very vague, ambiguous urban settings so that they could be set in any large city around the world. Everyone would have an English name. I don't know exactly why. Part of it was this feeling of not wanting to set it somewhere local because it was...weird (shameful, maybe?) and boring. But I also didn't know where to set those stories - I didn't know enough about some random place in some foreign country to set it there (this was before the Internet was a Thing). Okay, I know why I did the name thing: it's easier to search a baby book for an English name than to create Chinese names, especially since I don't know Chinese.

Later on, I realised another thing. I could write short stories with Asian people in real life settings, but every time I started writing a fantasy story, almost all my characters would end up white or white-ish. Why? Because all the fantasy books I read growing up featured very eurocentric settings and characters. Fantasy was obviously a White People thing, Chinese people could not feature in them. It wasn't that I consciously thought this out - it was just there. In the back of my mind. Affecting all my creative decisions. I wrote about that in this guest post - how I had to deliberately make a shift in my head to base Amok in a Southeast Asian setting, instead of that "white default".

There was a related comment on the thread (that I can't find anymore) which stated something to the effect that if there are 6 white people in the show and one of them is changed to another race, but all of them think the same, that's still not diversity because they all...think the same. 

...and I'm like, I'm not sure you're even talking about the same thing that the rest of us are talking about anymore. (But maybe I'm misremembering it.)

But to kid me, if there were 5 white people and 1 Chinese person in a fantasy show or book, I would probably have had an earlier epiphany about my creative choices, even if it was just colouring that princess with brown eyes and black hair.

(I have thoughts about what diversity is, plus how second- & third-generation immigrants are usually closer to the culture of their country of residence than their culture of origin under the section "But what is diversity?" in this article.)

---

Someone reposted this on Facebook the other day, and I feel like this encapsulates this whole argument and why it's so grating.

Source: https://twitter.com/vulgadrawings

What I really think is that y'all are just being super entitled, like the world has to revolve around you and what you want or what you think is "good" and "right". If I can put it in somewhat literary terms, you're acting like Dudley Dursley when he throws a tantrum because he had one less birthday present than the year before. 

Racism was somehow also brought up (I don't remember the exact context because those comments have apparently been deleted), so I might as well just address it because, for some people, just saying that "you really need to rethink this stance on inclusion" equals calling them racist. 

Do I necessarily think you're racist because you don't want diversity added to your beloved canons? No, though that really depends on why you are against it. (And usually how you phrase it.)

If it's for Story Reasons (e.g. the background/backstory doesn't make sense anymore, how did 2 white humans have a child of a different race without magic or IVF or gene manipulation or adoption or maybe plain adultery)... you know what? I'd likely agree with you that that specific effort was bad. The worldbuilding has to make sense, the narrative needs to be internally consistent. Sometimes people try to change things, but they don't go backwards into the history/lore quite enough. Good try, but I guess it didn't quite work out. 

But if your only objection is It Was Originally Written White So Changing it is Pandering To The Woke Crowd... or History! There Were No [Race] In History (when it's totally fictional, fantasy world)...

Let's just put it this way: the way some of you say that "inclusion and diversity is virtue signalling" tells me that really, you don't think I am a person. That I cannot exist except on your terms, when you want me to (probably when you need that token Not-White friend). That putting someone who looks like me into a fantasy story will always only be a political move. And not just a reflection of hey, the real world is made up of a bunch of different looking people, my fantasy world is going to be made up of a bunch of different looking people. 

You're telling me that I am a virtue signal and that I don't deserve to have a story written for people like me. And that hurts. (Don't bother defending yourselves. It's okay really. I don't need to be your friend. You don't need to be mine.)

All that? Yes, that is racist. Even if you don't mean it to be. 

---

And since the group it was posted in is a Christian group, I feel like there's even more that should be addressed. 

First, I'd like to add that if you're complaining about not seeing Christians in fiction anymore or how Christians are always being portrayed as the "bad guy", think about how POC feel when there are SOOOO many books that do not have any POC, or if they are portrayed at all, are only ever the "bad guy" or the "comic sidekick" (with "comic" usually meaning slow, dumb, or useless).

But most of all, I suppose this is my specific gripe with White Christianity as a whole: that most times, when unity is sought, it’s taken to mean that one needs to conform to the traditions of the western church. In parallel, it’s like the Jews in Acts 15 insisting the Gentiles be circumcised, according to the custom taught by Moses, to be saved - forgetting that Peter addressed the apostles and the elders thus:

Brothers, you know that some time ago God made a choice among you that the Gentiles might hear from my lips the message of the gospel and believe. God, who knows the heart, showed that he accepted them by giving the Holy Spirit to them, just as he did to us. He did not discriminate between us and them, for he purified their hearts by faith. Now then, why do you try to test God by putting on the necks of the Gentiles a yoke that neither we nor our ancestors have been able to bear? No! We believe it is through the grace of our Lord Jesus that we are saved, just as they are.” — Acts 15: 7b-11 (NIV)

I wrote about this before here, so I'll not repeat the whole thing again.

But this insistence on Whiteness in a Christian group makes me wonder sometimes if we are truly following Jesus or if we are just following the White Man.

---

Anyway, Inclusion and Diversity. 

You know how they tell artists & writers to push through? That you have to get through the bad art and the terrible first drafts (or first dozen manuscripts) to get to the good stuff? That working through the bad takes is what will help you hone your craft? That right there is inclusion and diversity in the market right now.

People have realised a bias and a gap in the market, and they're talking about it. They've created such a buzz that the big publishers (and media companies) have taken notice. So they're pushing all of that out into the market right now, trying to ride on the wave. They're also probably overcorrecting or overcompensating to some extent - but then there's a huge structural bias to push against so that's probably why.

There's no doubt that some of this push is political - and companies wanting clout. That's okay. That's natural. But I think a lot of it is just people wanting to see their everyday lives (and faces) reflected in the media around them. So they're creating new stories (which often don't sell because saturated market) and also adapting old ones (which make a buzz because existing fanbase, many eyes, much money). 

Do they always get it right? No. Is that a bad thing? Also no. 

Does this change or somehow devalue the "classics" they were based on? No. Because those books/shows are still there. 

Do I necessarily want (or need) another old story rewritten with the White Male Protagonist changed into a Chinese Female Protagonist? Probably not. Because I've already worked through a lot of this for myself. And it doesn't quite affect me as an adult anymore. 

But you know, there are plenty of kids out there seeing all this stuff for the first time. And if this remake with Black Ariel or She-Hulk or Female Thor or racially-diverse dwarves (I don't even know what the objection is, actually) is what's going to give them that epiphany earlier in their lives, we probably would get through all the bad takes faster to reach the better, original, diverse fiction earlier. Because they would be starting at the place I took maybe 20 years to get to. 

At any rate, siapa yang makan cili, dia terasa pedasnya.

Thursday, 28 April 2022

#AtoZChallenge: X for Xenophobia

Xenophobia is the fear or hatred of that which is perceived to be foreign or strange. And as we’ve seen throughout this month’s posts, xenophobia runs (not so) subtly through The Tale of the Hostage Prince, whether it’s the Bayangans’ inability to fully accept the Tawanan back into society or the way they reject their young “foreign” ruler’s efforts to effect changes in the law. 

It comes back down to emigration and exile, and the whole idea of being a foreigner even in your homeland. 

In many ways, it also mirrors the complex relationship I have with Malaysia. “What makes one a Malaysian?” is a question that has been explored many, many times, with varying conclusions. Because the obvious one, being born in Malaysia to Malaysian parents, sometimes doesn’t seem to be enough in light of your race or religion.  How can one be xenophobic against people you grew up amongst?

And yet, some can. Because we live in our own comfortable bubbles.   



###

That's it for today!

Head back to my theme reveal and master list.

Go check out the other A to Z Bloggers!


###

The Tale of the Hostage Prince (Absolution 1.5)

Yosua wears an uneasy crown. Although he is now Raja of Bayangan, he still longs for the land of his birth where everything was much simpler…and less deadly.

But peace doesn’t come easily, not for a twenty-year-old servant playacting at being king.

With his parents brutally murdered and his uncle bent on revenge, Yosua must decide where his loyalties truly lie. With his only remaining relative and the kingdom he has claimed? Or with his best friend Mikal and the sultanate that raised him as a hostage?


BUY NOW!

International purchases books2read.com/HostagePrince

Friday, 30 August 2019

#Dublin2019 #AnIrishWorldCon in tweet threads

I was looking up my own notes for the panels I attended at Worldcon 2019, so here's a listing of the threads I made. Also so I can find it later on. lol. I dunno how this embedding thing works, I'm assuming you can click it to open the full thread.

We'll see.

























Why did I attend so many panels. hahaha.

Thursday, 4 July 2019

Why Your England So Bad? World Englishes and the way forward for Malaysian writers

So. In the light of all the nasty debates over proper grammar and How English Standards Are Going Down The Drain in Malaysia, I figured I should post this online.

Now, to clarify, I used to be quite pedantic about my English and how perfect it has to be. It took reading a lot more local stuff that worked instead of the super-stilted Proper English Written by Malaysians (grammatically correct, but ugh) for me to figure out that no, actually...there is a rhythm and a beauty to the way we speak that actually makes sense. Malaysian English isn't quite standardised across races/states to be a proper creole, but there ARE rules to how we phrase things, which sometimes deviates a little depending on whether you're more influenced by Chinese, Malay, Tamil, or dll. Even pure bananas like me pick it up second-hand. And I don't speak any Chinese and my Malay is abysmal. haha.

It took me coming to study Creative Writing in London to figure this out. Who knew World Englishes is a Thing? They don't talk about it back home. BUT THEY SHOULD.

Anyway, I performed this at the The Decolonial Earth event in Goldsmiths, talking about my linguistic heritage. It starts with the monologue, titled 'Banana', and then continues with the rest of the essay.

DOWNLOAD MONOLOGUE

When I first started writing ‘Banana’, I had no idea what I wanted to say. It was something of a mishmash of thoughts and frustrations interspersed with some sort of a story. In a way, this monologue is a showcase of my ongoing confusion over who I’m supposed to be.

Technically, I know who I’m supposed to be. I’m ethnically Chinese, of Malaysian nationality. But it’s not quite that simple.

Like Karen, I often describe myself as a 100% Banana. Like, you would probably never find a less Chinese-speaking Chinese in Malaysia. And it’s a question I’ve been asked all through my life.

“Why don’t you speak Chinese?” 


I blame my father’s side of the family. (My dad is the one on the left.) My grandfather lost his parents to the Japanese occupation in Johor as a teen and my grandmother came to Malaysia alone also as a teen. Without family and community, both of them fell out of touch with their cultural heritage. They spoke Cantonese at home whilst living in Ipoh, but my dad 'forgot' how to speak Cantonese when he moved to Penang as a teen.

So, I grew up in an English-speaking Christian household (which means you don’t practice Chinese customs which are inherently Buddhist or Taoist) and attended a Sekolah Kebangsaan, or national school—but it was a Methodist school, which counted as “English-Ed”.



I lived in a very white-presenting bubble. Technically, we had all races—Malay, Chinese, Indian—but we spoke English to each other. And of course, enjoyed our banana leaf rice.

It wasn’t until I was in the US for a work thing that two things became very clear. For all I’m immersed in White culture, I’m too Asian to be White. Fair enough. And then I visited a Chinese-speaking church in San Jose and realised how un-Chinese I was, even though I was actually from and based in Asia.


Now, this is the hard thing—at least for me. If you are diaspora who grew up in Britain, or in Australia, or in North America, it’s easier to reconcile some of that dissonance. You’ve chosen the cultural affiliations associated with the country you or your parents migrated to.

I am very firmly rooted in Malaysia. What excuse do I have?

“Why don’t you speak Malay?”

This is where the bubble comes in—for all that the Chinese diaspora is so thoroughly Malaysian (and quite proud of it), it’s usually the food and celebrations that are highlighted. Not the language. Instead of Bahasa Malaysia being the common ground, we often just revert to English, especially in church bubbles.


I mean, technically, I’m bilingual. I learnt Malay for eleven years in school. I read the language better than I speak it. Yet for all practical purposes, I’m monolingual.



As a writer—and even before I started writing—language has formed a very core part of my identity. I count myself as a native speaker, English as my mother tongue, even though it won’t be officially recognised anywhere. Without it, I don’t know who I am. It’s a poor excuse, I know.

But honestly, I’m afraid. I’m one of those terribly timid people who won’t do a thing because of fear of embarrassment. And besides change, language is my biggest fear.

I only have one trick: my words, in English.

I’ve been reading books by people of colour recently—written in English, not translations—and I’ve come to realise this. English, as written by the whites, has become quite sterile. It’s dead, rooted in Shakespeare and the Bible, even if they’re not quite aware of it.

These books aren’t.

My reviews can be found under this tag: https://blog.annatsp.com/search/label/WNDB

They’re unapologetic about the words they use, about the cultural ideas they represent, and the languages they slip in. (Take notes! Read These Books!)

There is a level of acceptance of dialect and slang in literature, a sort of hierarchy of languages. As long as it’s a White dialect (Yorkshire, Irish, Midwest, Shakespearean) or Euro-centric (Latin, French, Italian)—maybe a little Spanish, but not too much—it’s okay. Agatha Christie’s Hercule Poirot is allowed his quaint sayings. Huckleberry Finn is “natural”.

But add in some Tamil or Malay or Chinese and it’s like oh my God, why do you have all these weird foreign words? It’s so unrelatable.

But diversity is what people are looking for now. People of colour are looking to see themselves represented in fiction—and it can’t just be the colour of their skin. Not just being the token brown guy. It has to also be the way they speak, the way they mix languages, the thoughts and feelings that cannot be divorced from who they are.

We read to make sense of the world, to discover who we are. But even more, we write to discover who we are, who we are becoming. Even if it’s only to say that we’re leaving parts of our heritage behind. It happens.

Language has always evolved. English is one of the stupidest, most annoying languages to learn whether spoken or written because it has absorbed and Anglicised so many 'foreign' words that they’re not even aware of it. There are many native Englishes because it’s spoken all around the world thanks to colonisation.

What we should be working towards now is to recognise the beauty of these variants and use them in fiction—to create works of art instead of upholding this so-called hierarchy of languages.

Stolen from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/World_Englishes
Malaysia is part of the Outer Circle.

There’s a difference between a heart language and one that you’re using solely for communication. We need to allow the diaspora—they need to allow themselves—to write in their heart language, the one that comes out of them in their comfort zone, even if it’s a creole that only their community gets. To be empowered to tell their stories in their languages—even if it isn’t “proper” English!

When I think about a decolonial future, I think about these voices in Malaysia who switch from English to Malay to Chinese to Tamil with ease, who bask in bilingual puns, and poke fun at their own cultures, yet are united because of their security in their national identity, no matter what language they speak.


Oh yeah, and that one token white guy because we can.

Sunday, 24 December 2017

Advent: Divinity in Chains



But you are Divinity,
bound by the chains of humanity.
God made man,

...and the Word became flesh and dwelt among us...

might contained
in frailty,
restrained by a form

...and we beheld His glory, the glory as of the only begotten of the Father...

taken willingly, lovingly,
eyes fixed on eternity.
And all you are,

...he made himself nothing... 

all your glory,
constrained
in the very jars of clay

...by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness...

you formed.
Bound only by
your Word and Will.

...he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death— even death on a cross.

---

Why lies He in such mean estate,
Where ox and donkeys are feeding?
Good Christians, fear, for sinners here
The silent Word is pleading.
Nails, spears shall pierce him through,
the cross he bore for me, for you.
Hail, hail the Word made flesh,
the Babe, the Son of Mary.

---

Firman itu sudah menjadi manusia dan tinggal antara kita. Kita nampak kemuliaan-Nya, kemuliaan yang diterima-Nya sebagai anak tunggal Bapa. Melalui Dia, kasih Allah dan Allah sendiri ditunjukkan kepada kita.
Yohanes 1:14

Sunday, 17 December 2017

Advent: Pilgrims and Promises



O come, Thou Key of David, come,
And open wide our heavenly home;
Make safe the way that leads on high,
And close the path to misery.

---

All these died in faith, without receiving the promises, but having seen them and having welcomed them from a distance, and having confessed that they were strangers and exiles on the earth. For those who say such things make it clear that they are seeking a country of their own. And indeed if they had been thinking of that country from which they went out, they would have had opportunity to return. But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God; for He has prepared a city for them.
Hebrews 11:13-16 (NASB)

---

Advent is longing; for a home we long for but have never seen, for a place we travel to from birth to death.
But what is home? 
Is it this skin we inhabit, this land we lay claim to, this earth we war over?
Or is home where our hearts reside, nowhere but everywhere, in spaces of love and family, friends and kin--whether by blood or spirit, flesh or soul; this nebulous feeling of safety and familiarity and rightness.
And we long, because this is not our home. This is our not yet, the yet to come, the yesterdays for our tomorrows and we know--oh how well we know--that we are pilgrims passing through.

This world is not our home.
There are promises yet to come.

Keep safe the paths that lead us yet to home.

---

Sebaliknya, mereka merindukan sebuah negeri yang lebih baik, iaitu negeri yang di syurga. Itulah sebabnya Allah tidak malu apabila mereka menyebut Dia sebagai Allah mereka, kerana Allah sudah menyediakan sebuah kota untuk mereka.
Ibrani 11:16 (Alkitab Berita Baik)

---

Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

Sunday, 10 December 2017

Advent: Look, your Light has come



O come, Thou Day-Spring, come and cheer
Our spirits by Thine advent here
Disperse the gloomy clouds of night
And death's dark shadows put to flight.

---

Arise, shine; for your light has come,
And the glory of the Lord has risen upon you.
For behold, darkness will cover the earth
And deep darkness the peoples;
But the Lord will rise upon you.
Nations will come to your light,
And kings to the brightness of your rising.
Isaiah 60:1-3

---

Yet it's hard to remember the light in the midst of the night, when the walls press in around you and the darkness closes in.
It's hard to remember to come up to breathe. It's hard to remember that there are things other than what holds you down. That there are other things, good things. Beautiful things.

That there is rest.
That you will rise.
That there is more than this.

Because your light is coming -
Behold, your Light has come. 

---

Bangkitlah, dan bersinarlah, hai Yerusalam, 
kerana cahaya penyelamatanmu sudah datang;
Tuhan menyinari engkau dengan kemuliaan-Nya
Yesaya 60:1

---

Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel

Sunday, 3 December 2017

Advent: You who are Israel, He comes



O come, O come, Emmanuel
And ransom captive Israel
That mourns in lonely exile here
Until the Son of God appear

---

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For the anxious longing of the creation waits eagerly for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, no willingly, but because of Him who subject it, in hope that the creation itself also will be set free from its slavery to corruption into the freedom of the glory of the children of God. For we know that the whole creation groans and suffers the pains of childbirth together until now. And not only this, but also we ourselves, having the first fruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves groan within ourselves, waiting eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our body. For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is seen is not hope; for who hopes for what he already sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait eagerly for it.
Romans 8:18-25 (NASB)

---

But Israel is an idea, an ideal.
It is not a state-
Neither political nor of being.
God contended.
Jacob wrestled.
And Israel walked away in both triumph and defeat
For who can say who won or who lost?

And you who believe, you are Israel, who mourns for a world broken, an earth that groans for the coming of its King.
You are Israel, who longs for the things unseen, who hopes for the redemption to come, who knows that this is not enough.

This life is not enough.
This body is not enough.
This faith is not enough.

You are Israel, who lives the struggle, and survives in the inbetween; between the death and the resurrection, in the valley of the shadow of death, looking up to the hills for the promised hope.
The promised Son.

He comes.

---

Bukan sahaja alam semesta yang merintih, tetapi kita juga merintih dalam batin. Kita yang sudah menerima Roh Allah sebagain kurnia Allah yang pertama, pun masih menunggu masanya Allah menjadikan kita anak-anak-Nya dan membebaskan diri kita seluruhnya.
Roma 8:23 (Alkitab Berita Baik)


---

Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel

Sunday, 13 August 2017

#RealmMakers2017: Issues

Another thing that came out a few times over the course of Realm Makers was the cry for Christian writers to actually write about issues. Instead of circling around them. Instead of pretending they don't exist. Or that people don't need to read about them. (Oh, we need to keep our fiction clean, you know, so we don't offend God... or our readers.)

There's issue fiction (stories written specifically to deal with an issue) and there's fiction with issues (it's not specifically written to address an issue, but issues are brought up in them). You can write either. But as Mary Weber pointed out, the important thing is to write what's on your heart.

Where do you need to see God move?
This question wasn't really related to the impassioned talks about issues (it came up during the part about the heart of the story), but I really think it's the perfect question to use when you talk about issues. Because our issues are the issues our readers face. The things we've overcome (or are struggling to overcome) are the things our readers are struggling through. And having it out there in fiction, in tangible words and intangible feelings, can help them process. It lets them know that they're not alone. They're not strange. Other people are facing the same problems they are. 

There's a difference between clean and safe. We can write clean--even if your character is a gangster who has a foul mouth, there are several creative ways to characterise that without actually using swear words (you're a creative writer, aren't you?)--but we shouldn't necessarily write safe. Talking about issues isn't safe. Talking about rape and depression and harassment and racism and equality isn't safe, but they need to be talked about. They need to be addressed. And sometimes your fiction, while it isn't safe or necessarily clean, may be able to provide a safe space for traumatised people to start dealing with or processing these issues and their impact on their lives. 

And maybe, when you address the issue in a way that is honouring to God, they can come to realise that there is another option. There is a way out. They don't need to succumb to what the world is pressuring them to do or be. 

Trust that the Holy Spirit is active and speaking in your writing process.
The question is sometimes this: when is it too much? Where do you cross the line between "being real" and "being offensive"? 

I don't know. I can't tell you. I highly doubt any of the speakers at the conference will be able to give you an exact answer. There are many factors involved: the audience you're targeting, the publishers you work with, your own conscience. But one thing that came out pretty loud and clear was the fact that if you are writing this with God, the Holy Spirit will guide you. 

I wrote this down (it's either Mary or Jim who said it, I don't remember who; it's probably paraphrased anyway):
TALK ABOUT ISSUES. Don't shy away.
Ask yourself: What crosses the line for your spirit? How far does the Spirit want you to go with it?
Then go with it. 
Ted Dekker fielded a question about writing about issues (I think) and his answer was this: agenda-driven fiction only addresses the choir. It never converts anyone. Write to discover. Write to see. Be authentic.

And when you are authentic, genuine, about the realities of life, that's when you really speak into the lives of others, whether you meant to or not.

--- 

As a tag-on note, we've just finished the workshops for Voices 2017 and I am truly, truly deeply honoured to have been able to sit there and listen to the stories these 15 women have had to tell. 

The stories were deeply personal, unapologetically raw and extremely powerful, covering topics such as depression, body image, self-esteem, death, sexual assault, harassment, mental illness, marriage, love, abuse, and faith--all the things that women go through in their lives (there's probably more that my brain refuses to remember right now). There's no sugar-coating, no shying away, just honesty and vulnerability; a voice speaking up from and in the darkness. 

There's power in that honest sharing of lives, made possible by the agreement to create that safe space. And that's what I'd like to believe our fiction can create. 

A safe space for the weakest voices to be heard. 

Sunday, 6 August 2017

#RealmMakers2017: Identity

Dear multiple people who've asked how this conference was for me, I'm sorry for giving you awkward answers because I don't really process well verbally on the spot. Ask me in person now and maybe I can give you more than an "it was really good." (Or maybe not. Just read the blog.)

---

One of the things that came up over and over again throughout the course of the conference was the issue of identity.

In David Farland's pre-conference workshop, he asked the question, "Who are you?" (What's your brand? Your territory? How do you define yourself as a writer?)

As part of the Q&A, he also mentioned Own Voices (all the rage, ha) and the need/demand for those authentic voices in the industry right now. (Cultural identity, gender identity, etc.)


Ted Dekker's keynote focused a lot on perception: how our perception of life defines the story we tell ourselves, how our identity needs to be tied up in Christ instead of our writing, our career, our dreams, or our goals.

That identity is one of completion; of fulfilment--to see who you are in Christ is to remember that it is finished. There is no battle. Or as my notes say: Learn to awaken to the reality where you can sleep through the storm because, in your perception, there is no storm. (Ref: Jesus sleeping in the boat during the storm whilst the disciples are freaking out)

Our writing is part of our journey to discovering that in full: to discover who we are, who our Father is, and to bring others along so that they too may know Christ in his fullness.


In the continuing session I attended (Heroes, Villians, & the Heart of Your Story), James L. Rubart and Mary Weber talked about how the theme (sermon) of our lives--the thing that is at our core--is really what's going to be the heart (heft) of our stories.

Repeated is the thought that the things that we struggle with, the perspective we hold, our journey of self-discovery, is what's going provide that heft and grounding to our stories.

Weber put it this way, "Your book will be as shallow as you allow it to be." If we don't work through our own issues, including where our identity is, we're just going to keep scratching the surface.

---

I think one of the reasons this resonates with me so much is because it's always been an ongoing struggle for me to fit in. And because of that, I don't really know how to define who I am except in negatives.

  • I'm the banana/"speaking one" (i.e. stupid Chinese kid who doesn't speak her mother tongue, how can you call yourself a Chinese? -- Well, I don't. I call myself a Malaysian)
  • I'm the PK (i.e. the one no one really wants to be friends with because ew, what if she tells her parents what we do? / "eh, LOOK ANNA DID THIS [insert stupid thing I did] MOM so it's okay" which generally leads to "how can the PK act this way? She should know better" -- Give me a break, okay?)
  • I'm the introvert (i.e. I'm going to stand here and stare at you awkwardly while my brain tries to come up with something to say -- Um, which is why I write. lol)
  • I'm the bookworm (i.e. she's boring, she doesn't want to play games -- Not to mention games gives me anxiety.)
  • I'm the single young adult in the Intergenerational Cell (i.e. married with kids group) because the young adult singles group is... just getting too young (i.e. college kids/fresh grads). 
  • I'm the Chinese-Malaysian girl who's not Chinese enough and not Malaysian enough, because I'm culturally too Western. But I'm also not Western enough because I'm culturally too Asian.
  • Here, I'm the person who travelled halfway across the world to put herself in an uncomfortable position and I'm panicking. Because I really want to connect, but I really don't know what to say, and everyone is loud and it's overwhelming and when you talk over me, I just shut down and shut in. (I like wallflowering. It's cool.) 

But this is not truth.

And I know it. In my head. Though not always necessarily in my heart.

So it's affirming. It's really affirming to remember that my identity is not in my writing, it's not in my failures, it's not in my struggles, it's not in my general awkwardness, but it's in Christ.

As Dekker kept emphasising, Christ is all, and in all.
So that's where my identity should be. And although I'm not there yet, at least I know what I'm striving towards.

---

Colossians 3:1-11

AMP:
11 - a renewal in which there is no [distinction between] Greek and Jew, circumcised and uncircumcised, [nor between nations whether] [c]barbarian or [d]Scythian, [nor in status whether] slave or free, but Christ is all, and in all [so believers are equal in Christ, without distinction].

ALKITAB:
11 - Dengan demikian, lenyaplah perbezaan antara orang bukan Yahudi, dengan orang Yahudi, orang bersunat dengan orang yang tidak bersunat, orang asing dengan orang biadab, abdi dengan orang bebas. Kristuslah segala-galanya dan Dia bersatu dengan mereka semua.

---

Translation giggles: I would totally translate "orang asing" as "foreigners" and "orang biadab" as "rude people" - not exactly what barbarian or Scythian is supposed to mean?
Amplified puts the notes as such:
c - A derogatory term used to describe uneducated, uncultured people who were not fluent in the Greek language. [I guess foreigners works?]
d - The Scythians were savage equestrian herdsmen who were skilled archers and often worked as mercenaries and/or slave traders. The Scythian women were known to dress as warriors and fight alongside the men. [okay, so maybe biadap as in uncultured, not rude. But then again barbarian already means uncultured. lol]

Other note: the English translation puts it as "there is no distinction" which feels like it's already done. To me, the Malay phrase "Dengan demikian, lenyaplah perbezaan" gives the feel of "With that, we [need to] remove the difference/distinction"--There's an air of continuing and purposeful effort, as if we, the church, need to consciously remember and steadily work towards a world where there is no difference. Or actually, my brain is now saying "With that, the difference (perbezaan) disappears (lenyaplah)." Still, it has the tone of action, or at least being active. 

Sunday, 21 May 2017

North Star

Sometime in the distant past, you've fixed your North Star; in your heart, your mind, your soul. Every fibre of your being knows who it is--but somehow you've lost sight. Your compass broke. You don't know where true North is anymore.

And you don't know if you should care.

But you do.

---



---

So you run.

You run because nothing is as it should be, nothing is as you thought it would be, nothing is. Everything is ashes. Ashes and smoke. The bitter tang of defeat.

Because one day you woke up, and everything broke.
You made choices. The choices you felt were right. And are right. Maybe.
But your choices rub it in over and over again.
So you push yourself. Get over it.

But you can't.
I can't.

---

From the need to be understood
From the need to be accepted
From the fear of being lonely
Deliver me O God
Deliver me O God

---

And you fear you will always be alone.
As you watch everyone moving on.
Building a life you will never see. You know not to hope.

Yet it always comes back to that one question, doesn't it?

---

Why am I always alone?

---

On your lips; you mouth: further up and further in!
In your heart, you dig in your heels.

---

You've forgotten what he looks like, that North Star of yours, for all that you say you pursue him. You forget why you chose him, what resonated when you sealed the deal. So you wander, your restless heart leading you, searching but not finding. Looking but not seeing. Listening but not hearing.

So your compass spins.

Sunday, 21 February 2016

On missing the pizza for the mushroom

When you think about it, all you're having is really a food tantrum; a spiritual food tantrum, if you will. You're the kid at the buffet who's decided that the only thing you want to eat is spaghetti when there's also roast chicken and fried fish as mains, besides chocolate cake, fondue and ice cream for dessert, but no, you've decided that spaghetti is important and you're upset because it's not filling enough nor is it what you expected it to be.

But you know you're a self-feeding adult - well, at minimum a teenager - and you can find your own meals if you need to, but you aren't, because you're in a tantrum and you can't see the rest of the pizza for stressing over the stupid mushroom that you hate. Because underneath it - underneath it is that old scar, isn't it? It's that bleeding wound that says I'm tired of always giving and never receiving. I'm tired of being mature, of being wiser, of having to be nice. I'm tired of having to put others first because that is what good, Christian girls do. I'm tired of never getting attention or care because I'm supposed to be okay. I'm supposed to know how to get it right.

So you refuse to be responsible because there comes a time you deem self-care as more important than care of the community and love towards people. You want him to fail because you want him to own up to pushing responsibility on others all this while; you don't want it to fail because it has been everything you've cared about for a long time. And you hate yourself because you know you're being selfish and immature and you know you can't go on hating people even as you also know you cannot stand working with them anymore. You've reached your enough, but you cannot let go because this is not what it should be. Thus the conundrum: do you keep at it, getting more stressed by the week, or do you let it go and hope that everything doesn't fall apart?

And you let go because you should. Or, at least, you think you should. You know it's a tantrum because you are afraid. Because things are changing and you hate change. And you need to let go but you can't, so you make a storm in a teacup to assuage yourself and to calm your nerves because everything is too much but too little.

Yet behind it all, you remember: you don't have to rely on anyone to feed you.

You've been waiting for someone to lead you, when all along, you could have led yourself. And you should have. but you haven't.

---

On the other hand, community matters. 
But how much does it matter - to you - anyway?

---

So you weigh the line between feeling used and being entitled and you don't really know where one ends and the other begins, because you feel that you've been used, and you think you're entitled to - to what? You're not quite sure either - but at the same time you know that this isn't what leadership or servanthood is about.

You know that the institution has failed you, as all institutions do, and it's funny because you've said often enough that you don't believe in church, the institution, anymore and yet here you are, still railing against it. But it's difficult to search out Church, the Family, on its own, because it's all tied up in the institution and it's hard to separate something so closely intertwined.

Yet you must.

And really, what it means is that you've lost sight of what really matters. Because your eyes are too blinded to see the truth: that as much as it seems to be about him, it's more about how you deal with him and those like him.

That's not even the main thing.

The main thing is that you've lost sight of the cross. You've lost sight of the sacrifice that makes any of this worth contemplating. And true, whilst your community holds a burden of mutual care, your care doesn't depend on you and you alone either. It's not them or you. It's not just giving or just taking. It's stepping outside this vicious cycle and remembering that it's all been done. It's all been won. You don't fight in vain. You fight from a position of victory.

And your care? That's between you and Jesus.

Sunday, 13 December 2015

On attempting to live The Dream

TL;DR version:

I am now writing full time. Support me on Patreon or hire me to edit your work!
Pick up When Winds Blow Cold free on Noisetrade or purchase it from Smashwords or Amazon.
Sign up for my mailing list and be notified when my next story comes out! (Hopefully April 2016)

---

Full, convoluted, Anna-style version:

A little over three months ago I gave up my day job to live The Dream.
But really, it has been nine months since the day my heart shifted. (This is why I have a blog; because I forget too easily the things I should remember.) I have been wanting to write this post for ages now, but I have never gotten round to it until now. Is there a significance to the timing? I don't know. Maybe.

It's not as if this dream hasn't been there for a long time. It's just that it has never actually been very focused, and whilst there is somewhat a little bit more of a focus now, it still seems like a very hazy reality.

---

But what is The Dream?

It's difficult to describe. The Dream consists of many parts. Of books and words, of dance and song, of theatre and the stage. It has spanned many years. Constantly evolving, yet somehow somewhat the same. It has been birthing for the past 9 years, from when I first made that choice to return and build. It has been discarded and reinstated. It has been given up on and pursued.
It's like I know what I want but I don't know how to get there. I don't know 100% how to yet.

But in its original version, at the core of it, it stays unchanged:
You will see songs of worship raised in fragrance to heaven.
You will see dances of praise choreographed for His glory.
You will see life-changing dramas written and acted that will speak truth to the nations.
You will see your words and books that will impact a generation through story.
At the midst of it, audacious prayers have been prayed, mountains have been asked for.

But what does it LOOK like?

Which is difficult, difficult to explain. Because I don't know. At its very basic, it looks like this:
Write. Because that’s what I called you to do. And from your words will flow My rivers of living waters. And My seed will be planted in each heart because of each word that you write, because of each word you speak.
Speak. You are not my silent one. You are my Spoken one. I have spoken for you. I have spoken to you. I will speak through you. I have given you a Voice. So Speak. Not hide.
Sing. Because those are My songs in your heart. And My anointing does not run out. You will sing what I tell you to sing, you will declare what I say to you to declare, and My Word will go forth in the congregation.
----

The past 3 months have been decidedly weird. As Daral has mentioned a few times, I have been surprisingly busy, despite my worry that I would devolve into a lump of blubber. As KK and Mookie have also mentioned, I've been busier than when I was actually working a 9-6. I'm not entirely sure that this busyness has been fruitful, or if it will bear fruit eventually, but it is what it is, and if for nothing else, I have also discovered things that I will absolutely not do ever again.

Anyway, here's a summary of what I've been doing:

  • Volunteered for FreedomFilmFest Penang (which I will continue to be involved in for the foreseeable future)
  • Helped work on a proposal and pitch for the Kaki Lima International Film Fest (which is a no-go, unfortunately)
  • Released my short story - When Winds Blow Cold. This is currently for sale on Amazon and Smashwords at $0.99, but is also free on Noisetrade until the end of the year, primarily so that I can add people to my mailing list. Hee. 
  • Continued working on edits to my still-untitled Fairy Tale. I think I should be done by January. Finally. Hopefully to be released in April! :D
  • Uh. Blogged. And reviewed books. 
  • Volunteered at an Arts-Ed Youth Arts Camp where we taught teenagers about timelapse photography. I also discovered (or re-discovered) that I am very bad at facilitating, and I really do not like talking to random people. And no, I am still not a kid person, though these teens are decidedly better than... others. 
  • Did a couple of proofreading/editing jobs. (Hire me!)
  • Kicked off Christmas practices, which are stressing me out. (I will never ever ever ever direct ever again)
  • Finished writing a script for Easter next year (Yes, I will act. No, I will not direct)
  • Failed miserably at Nanowrimo due to Easter script and youth arts camp.
  • Helped out at LUMA, mainly by sitting there during exhibitions when Choon Ean has to head off and do stuff; also by pretending to know how to help set up stuff for the BIG FISH, little fish exhibition.
  • Submitted to another Fixi Novo anthology (keeps fingers crossed, though I know that doesn't work)
  • Did book signings and readings with MyWriters!
  • Went to Hatyai with the YAs and bought stuff. And ate stuff. 
  • We had write-ins.

---

Things that are coming up for 2016:

  • Semicolon, an Easter play in March 
  • Release of the Fairy Tale in April 
  • Project Dance Penang in Sept 
  • MyWriters Festival & Workshops in Oct 
---

So in writing it down, it does look like I did a lot, though as I also said, I don't know if these are going to be the core of what I will continue to be doing. 

I think there is going to have to be a lot more streamlining going on, especially in terms of what I want to achieve, and where my core ministry lies, because at times I feel as if I am doing everything because I can, not because I should be. 

And that is really much too distracting and overwhelming. 

I wanted to write down a vision, but I suppose that will come in another post. Mostly because that is the one thing I am still grappling with. I hoped it would come clearer as I wrote, but not yet. Not yet. 

Sunday, 16 August 2015

Ramblings on Esther: For such a time as this


I was re-reading Esther, and after all this time, I guess the one thing that still sticks in my mind is Mordecai's question to Esther: "Yet who knows whether you have come to the kingdom for such a time as this?" (Esther 4:14b)

Who knows if you were born into this time, into this place, into this situation for such a time as this?
Who knows if you gained this position, this authority, this stature, this voice for such a time as this?

Because these are dark times for Malaysia. And if you, who were born and bred here, do not stay and build, who will?

---

I wish I could remember the song Josh wrote for Star of Persia. All I can remember is the first half of the chorus - "For such a time as this, I live to serve my people, now I know what I was meant to do" (I think. Something like that. hahahahahaha THAT WAS 12 YEARS AGO OKAY.)

I also wish the songs were on youtube because they're nice. But songs only, no video. hahahahah.

I should rewatch it and cringe at my awkward hands and facial expressions. And my ducky runny nose voice.
Not. NEVER GOING TO REWATCH IT. Never ever ever ever ever.

---

I like the way God fixes up the events in Esther where Haman, puffed up with pride at the honour the King and the Queen are giving him, is suddenly humiliated by having to honour the one guy he really wants to kill. And it's like the King could have remembered to honour Mordecai anytime before that event, but he didn't until that one sleepless night.

It's also interesting that Zeresh says "If Mordecai, before whom you have begun to fall, is of Jewish descent, you will not prevail against him but will surely fall before him," to Haman right before the fateful banquet. It's like, these Jews were captives in a foreign land, and yet God's reputation still went before them. He fights their battles. He keeps them alive. He prospers them in adversity. You will not prevail against him but will surely fall before him.

---

We are sometimes strangers in our own land. But it is our land, because God has given it to us.

Some are called to go. Go far away, spread the gospel far and wide, live by faith. Bring the good news to the people who need it.

But most of us are called to stay. Not to stay to be complacent, or to stay and wait for heaven, but to stay and build where we are, so that we can be a blessing to the people around us who do not yet know God, and so that we can channel these blessings to them and to those who have been called to go. We stay because the people around us need the gospel too.

It's easier now. We live in a glocal society. We're local - we meet the needs of the people around us, of the community that surrounds us, and yet we are also global - with the touch of a button, with the click of a mouse, we are connected to many far flung places. It is a boon, and a curse.
A boon, because we can reach many people in many places at the same time.
A curse, because we then forget that these are real people, with real problems, and not everything can be solved with some screen time.

But this is the time we have been born in. A special time. A crazy time. A time with unknown possibilities unfurling before us.
And if you have been born for such a time as this, what seed has God planted in you that will bring glory to His name? What are you going to water in your life so that when that moment comes you are ready to step forth into the plan that He has for your life?

That is a question you need to answer.

---

At the end of Esther, it isn't that the decree to kill the Jews has been revoked. The King can't do that because he isn't above the law (ha ha ha. *ahem*). But what the King can do is to issue another decree that would maybe supercede or change the outcome of the first one. And the King, being this weird person who likes to delegate things to other people (didn't he learn with Haman?) lets Mordecai do whatever he wants with his signet ring.

And crafty old Mordecai uses this to totally annihilate all the enemies of the Jews that were hiding in the land of Persia. [Eh, not just Persia - the message goes out to all the provinces, even from India to Ethopia.]

How's that for retribution?

---

I think God has been stirring things up, both here in Ignite in San Jose, and back home in PCC in Penang. There's an expectation, a waiting, a hoping for things to come.
Sometimes it feels like there's a long way more to go.
But sometimes it feels like it's almost here.

The question is if we will respond as Esther did - firstly with a call to prayer, and then with an act of faith.

Sunday, 9 August 2015

on Penang, calling, and relationships

At the end of my college years in Kuala Lumpur, my Christian Fellowship friends asked me what would make me stay and work there instead of heading back to Penang. A good job? A boyfriend, maybe? My answer then was that I felt called to Penang, because if everyone else left, who would stay and build?
Someone, Solomon or Rowen probably, asked, but what if you found a guy in KL? I shrugged and said that I guess he would have to move to Penang then. 
So I went home. And nine years on, it seems like the question still stands. 

What if you found someone but he's not in Penang? Would you move for him?
Maybe it's the remnants of my Asianness that whispers to me that the wife follows the husband. Or maybe it's the conservatism and tradition in me. It's just what's done. So I blame myself for being single because I would require my future spouse to move to Penang for me and take that as a proof of love. And if that were it, I would never get married because all the guys I click with really well are not in Penang, and all the guys in Penang are well... let's just say there's not much connection. 

I talked a little about this in this medium post, and recently, I've been thinking about it more and this struck me: if he moves to Penang it will be his sacrifice for God, not for me.

It's not a major revelation. I figure I knew it somewhere in my heart all this while, just that it was buried underneath the reams of self-pity that tend to bubble up. But that's the thing. If a marriage is going to work, there has to be an underlying alignment (which I have been praying for), and that alignment, for me, is going to have to be this mutual call to Penang. It's not an easy call. It's not the easiest place to live in, it isn't the best of many worlds (though apparently it's in the top 10 places to retire to), and half the people I know seem to think that I would be happier somewhere else, or at least find more marriageable people if I were to move away. Heck, most of them would ask why I don't just get a transfer to San Jose. It's tempting. The people here are lovely :)

---

I don't really know why I am blogging this, other than to get it out of my head where it's been for the past few days. To quote, "if a relationship does not serve my faith, then it's the wrong relationship." 
I think that makes sense.

---

I ended the post there, but it felt like there was more to say; I am not sure exactly what.

Give me Penang, I once prayed. Give me the arts in Penang. 
In the same breath, I tell God I'm not enough. My hands are too weak to hold.  
So there is this calling, and there is this tension, and there is this vision too big to comprehend. And the same heart that is stepping out in faith for this vision, for this calling, also stands in disbelief at the goodness of God regarding relationships.

I don't know how to reconcile myself to myself. I waver between hopeful belief and bitter disbelief, trying to apply my faith in the goodness of God in some areas of my life to the faithless areas that still exist. It feels like I have faith in His provision for my career, for my future, for His dreams (not totally mine! I'm too chicken), but I have no faith for my relationships or for healing. Some days, I'm filled with faith and the glory of God. On others, I question what I really believe and why.

And the problem of knowing God as a person is that I'm bad at relationships. I think I know someone well enough, but find out sooner or later that I don't. Discussions about thoughts and opinions seem to carry more weight to me than simple things like knowing someone's favourite colour. I dive into depths without exploring the shallows and I don't know if that's very relationally healthy. I feel emotional connections that are one-sided, and I have a terrible track record at maintaining, much less growing, friendships. I know God loves me more than I can love Him back but sometimes I don't know that. Then there are the days I get so peopled out that I don't even want to be with myself.

---

Sidetrack edit: relationship thought - I wonder if I don't treat God like a human friend, where I sometimes feel so frustrated/annoyed/tired that I decide not to talk to anyone, including God. He's probably listening in to my thoughts anyway, so I don't know why I think that would make any difference, but this tendency to want to shut people out - or to head for exclusivity - is not very balanced. And where people would probably get upset (sorry, I know I have been ignoring/avoiding some people; if you read this... well. um.) God would... I don't know... shake His head and facepalm and say "again, really?"
Or really, He would just say I love you anyway. 

---

My thoughts are straying, and I don't know how this post is to end. I suppose I ended it once before, so I should be able to do so again.

My heart's cry is really to love and to be loved in return. I don't know why it's so difficult, but it is. Maybe it's because I discover every day that I still don't know how to love enough; my feeble efforts at caring leave me dissatisfied with who I am because I see how much more people love, and how much more people care, and how much more God loves. I suppose this is good. And yet it is also discouraging. I have a fuzzy notion of how love works. But sometimes I don't think I really know.

And so I pray for alignment. Not alignment of the stars, as if some grand story foretold will take place; just the alignment of our wills with God's, the alignment of our desires to build in the same place, even if it's not in the same ministry, and the alignment of our purposes so that we may walk the same way together for this span.

It seems so small, but it is a big thing to ask.