How did I get here? The pink roses trembled, the baby buds she had asked for suddenly seeming alien in her freshly manicured hands. A steady arm held her, a familiar voice whispered in her ear, “Ready, my little princess?” Twenty-six years of being the baby of the family would be changed in the next hour; had in reality been changed yesterday at the Registrar’s office by the signatures of five people. What have I done?
It had seemed so simple, so magical, a year ago. He had asked, she had answered. And now, now was forever. Now was…
She was aware of the smiling face bobbing by the altar, so comforting and yet so unreal. She took the first step toward him, almost tripping on her dress and in her wobbly heels.
Her wedding train trailed behind her; the door swung shut.
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Prompt: The first campaigner challenge!
Write a short story/flash fiction story in 200 words or less, excluding the title. It can be in any format, including a poem. Begin the story with the words, “The door swung open” These four words will be included in the word count.[check]
If you want to give yourself an added challenge (optional), use the same beginning words and end with the words: "the door swung shut." (also included in the word count)[check]
For those who want an even greater challenge, make your story 200 words EXACTLY![check - according to Scrivener, at least]
This was quite fun. Also, rather inspired by my cousin's wedding and the recent spate of engagements. People, can you stop getting engaged and married already? Or at least find me one so I can join in the fun! Haha.
On writing matters, I find that I'm using commas a lot. Please let me know if it feels too disjointed or truncated. I'm not sure if it really works.
Enjoyed this! You should post more often :)
ReplyDeleteSweet! It didn't feel awkward at all.
ReplyDeleteSuper sweet story! I love the mc's voice. Mine's a bit creepy, but it's 274 if you like them dark:)
ReplyDeleteIt didn't feel disjointed to me, but then again I'm guilty of the same thing. ;)
ReplyDeleteI like the honesty in your MC's voice. Great piece.
I think that the commas were very effective in adding to the overall mood ... and dictated the pacing , which was great !
ReplyDeleteMy entry at no.#59
Nicely done!
ReplyDelete(That's a flash comment :-) )
My bro recently got married and I couldn't help picturing his (now) wife as she got ready to walk. Thank you for posting. I also read your post on piracy and enjoyed that too! Interesting debates indeed.
ReplyDeleteYou captured that feeling, the thoughts that run through your head right before that moment. Well done! :)
ReplyDeleteGreat tension. You can feel her panic. Mine also involves a wedding. It's #72
ReplyDeleteI could feel the character's fear and uncertainty. Good job!
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed this. It reminded me of my own wedding 14 years ago, except I didn't have a wedding train...
ReplyDeleteIf you want, check out mine: http://www.katharinagerlach.com/wordpress/posts/first-campaigner-challenge/
It's number #186
I like the commas--and the semi-colons, too. Though I might be a bit biased, since they're something I find myself using all the time. :)
ReplyDeleteGreat entry!
My entry.
Very nicely written!
ReplyDeleteGreat job! You definitley captured the emotions that tend to race through one's mind! Lol! The rest of your life is an intimidating aisle to walk down. ;)
ReplyDeleteI think it flowed well. But I'm likely biased, I tend toward over comma use. ;)
I love how you captured the bride's moment.
ReplyDeleteI'm a new follower from the campaign. Have a great weekend.
Nice job! I really felt her hesitation and expectancy as she looked down the aisle. The door opening and closing was a nice bit of symbolism.
ReplyDeleteBiggest day of your life so you have the right to be nervous. That's why there is a reception afterwards. Few drinks, and then you can really start to enjoy the day. You did an excellent job of raising the panic, well done.
ReplyDeleteThis brought me back to my own wedding day. Makes me wonder if she was feeling the same way. I think you captured the moment sublimely.
ReplyDeleteGreat job! :)
I loved it... very well done :) Fellow campaigner from your group here popping over to say hello!
ReplyDeleteAhhhh I love weddings. You captured the excitement, the tension, the emotion. Loved it.
ReplyDeleteHehehe this was a nice entry into the challenge. You got me firmly into the bride's head.
ReplyDeleteWell done. See you at Rule of Three. ^_^
Thank you all for your comments! I'm glad that I'm not the only one using lots of commas!
ReplyDeleteWill be dropping by your sites sometime this weekend. I wanted to earlier but I've been away!