Inclusion and Diversity: A Rant

I have been struggling about whether to write about this but the anger and the bitterness are taking up too much space in my head, so maybe if it's written down in some form or other it will go away and leave me alone. For now. 

General life advice: never read the comments. Never, ever read the comments.

Even if they're on a post in a Facebook group that is, ostensibly, meant for...discussion. But what you don't read won't hurt you. And what you don't see won't send you into incandescent rage.

ANYWAY, this post is basically a response to a specific thread in a specific group, but I figured it's also a somewhat writing-related post which may (or may not, whatever) be helpful to people trying to navigate this whole thing around inclusion and diversity in fiction. I have been stewing over this since 29 July, so it's obviously not something I am about to just let go. I do not want to actually respond in the thread lest I BLOW UP AND RAGE QUIT. (I kind of like the other stuff that happens in the group so I'm trying not to rage quit at this point. Also, the admins and the founders have been kind and diplomatic and civil so I may just end up blocking a couple of people instead.) I also do not have the mental energy for arguing; my preferred method for dealing with confrontation is to walk. away. 

(But I am also passive-aggressive, hence this post.)

Note: It's been more than a week since I started writing this, the thread is quiet but reading it still leads to mild annoyance, so I suppose I will just finish the post. 

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This whole kerfuffle started because someone had the audacity to say that adaptations to literature that make it more inclusive are a good thing. 

Which is, apparently, NOT the thing to say because all fantasy canon is holy and cannot be changed. (/s in case you weren't sure.)

Now, I'm not a very good fangirl. I find a lot of fannish things a little over the top and a bit too cultish at times. Example: I like LOTR but don't ask me to quote paragraphs for you. I'll probably never dress up like a hobbit, though we do joke that Penangites eat like hobbits. I do agree with many of the (other) comments that some recent adaptations *cough* The Hobbit *cough* were badly done because none of the additions made narrative sense. Yet...the most I'd do in response is go re-read the book and just never watch the movies ever again. I'm not a huge movie/series person anyway, so I'm probably not even going to watch The Thing they are obliquely complaining about. I'd also rather people write new stories with diverse characters and settings rather than remake old ones which are gender/race bent (sometimes the changes work, sometimes it's just...but why?) which is what many of them are pushing for. 

So, if I agree with so many of their talking points, why am I so bugged by the whole conversation? Because of the sense of entitlement and the overall tone of complaint that implies that Changing Anything In A Story By Adding Diversity Is A Personal Affront And An Attack On Me. 

I was going to post a bunch of quotes verbatim and address them, but for the sake of length and privacy, I'll just summarise their main points.

Changing the race of my favourite character steals something from me. Also, it's always a one-way thing; shows with predominantly POC characters are never rewritten to include/feature white people. 

I can't even begin to address the entitlement on this one. It's all "me! me! me!" here. How dare anyone make a story that's not meant for me?! How dare you make a story about someone else and not include someone like me?! /s 

There are many things in this world that are not made specifically for you, and that's okay! The original show still exists. You can go rewatch the original show and ignore the new one. Also, the point of this whole inclusion and diversity drive is to include people who have been historically erased from fiction (whether in books or on-screen), so reversing it to include MORE of the people who have millions of shows that reflect them...does not serve any purpose at all. 

 

We can learn to identify with themes in a story even if the characters don't look like us. 

Which is true! However, the commenter doubled down along the lines of "if I as a White Man can identify and learn from stories of other cultures, then POC don't need characters to look like them". Kudos for doing what we have always done. This totally ignores the fact that for many, many years, centuries even, everyone reading in English, of whatever race and ethnicity, has had to learn to identify with the White person and learn from their culture, so maybe it's time that we do not have to? That maybe, for once, it's nice to see a story we already love have people in it that look like us? To be fair, this was already addressed in the thread. It's just still annoying. 

 

Trying to make something that is for everybody cuts out diversity because some things just aren't relatable to some people.

First, nobody is trying to make something that is for everybody. They're just looking at a thing and going "hey look, the real world has a bunch of people with different skin colours living in the same place, plus a whole lot of people from different countries around the world enjoy this thing, so maybe this fantasy world should also have a bunch of different-looking people living in the same place". And if that makes a wider, more diverse pool of fans happy, that's what they want, isn't it? More people all around the world watching a show or reading a thing (and giving them more money)?

Second, I do not understand how that "cuts down the diversity". If the thing isn't relatable to you, just don't consume it. It doesn't mean that people should stop making it. I think that's a thing everyone else has already learnt. 

 

Making someone have a different skin color or gender doesn't make it more inclusive. My (white) sub-culture is rarely depicted well, yet I don't need a white woman to show up to enjoy the story. 

Great for you. If that's the case, then why are you so upset that someone Not White gets to be included in a story? I mean, we're not saying that we don't enjoy those stories either. In fact I'd say that sometimes we enjoy it so much that we (a general, inclusive we) would like to make adaptations of the thing so that other people who look like us can enjoy it even more!

But I'd like to reiterate that someone representing rural or homeschool culture wrong (which is a choice in most cases and something that you can change by say moving to a city or joining a public school) is different from someone representing your race with bad stereotypes (which is something you cannot change at all even if you moved across the world and had plastic surgery or skin grafts or whatever).

At any rate, I suppose this is a great segue into Personal Story Time. 

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When I was a kid, we used to have these colouring books. I don't remember if they were princesses or fairies or whatever, but well, pretty girls in pretty dresses. And I was looking back at them one day (before throwing them out) and realised that the majority of the girls I coloured had blue eyes and blond hair. Which is weird because I'm 100% ethnically Chinese, living in Malaysia which is in Southeast Asia, an area that has a very minuscule percentage of blue-eyed, blond-haired people. 

When I started writing, I would hardly ever describe my characters. I'd use very vague, ambiguous urban settings so that they could be set in any large city around the world. Everyone would have an English name. I don't know exactly why. Part of it was this feeling of not wanting to set it somewhere local because it was...weird (shameful, maybe?) and boring. But I also didn't know where to set those stories - I didn't know enough about some random place in some foreign country to set it there (this was before the Internet was a Thing). Okay, I know why I did the name thing: it's easier to search a baby book for an English name than to create Chinese names, especially since I don't know Chinese.

Later on, I realised another thing. I could write short stories with Asian people in real life settings, but every time I started writing a fantasy story, almost all my characters would end up white or white-ish. Why? Because all the fantasy books I read growing up featured very eurocentric settings and characters. Fantasy was obviously a White People thing, Chinese people could not feature in them. It wasn't that I consciously thought this out - it was just there. In the back of my mind. Affecting all my creative decisions. I wrote about that in this guest post - how I had to deliberately make a shift in my head to base Amok in a Southeast Asian setting, instead of that "white default".

There was a related comment on the thread (that I can't find anymore) which stated something to the effect that if there are 6 white people in the show and one of them is changed to another race, but all of them think the same, that's still not diversity because they all...think the same. 

...and I'm like, I'm not sure you're even talking about the same thing that the rest of us are talking about anymore. (But maybe I'm misremembering it.)

But to kid me, if there were 5 white people and 1 Chinese person in a fantasy show or book, I would probably have had an earlier epiphany about my creative choices, even if it was just colouring that princess with brown eyes and black hair.

(I have thoughts about what diversity is, plus how second- & third-generation immigrants are usually closer to the culture of their country of residence than their culture of origin under the section "But what is diversity?" in this article.)

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Someone reposted this on Facebook the other day, and I feel like this encapsulates this whole argument and why it's so grating.

Source: https://twitter.com/vulgadrawings

What I really think is that y'all are just being super entitled, like the world has to revolve around you and what you want or what you think is "good" and "right". If I can put it in somewhat literary terms, you're acting like Dudley Dursley when he throws a tantrum because he had one less birthday present than the year before. 

Racism was somehow also brought up (I don't remember the exact context because those comments have apparently been deleted), so I might as well just address it because, for some people, just saying that "you really need to rethink this stance on inclusion" equals calling them racist. 

Do I necessarily think you're racist because you don't want diversity added to your beloved canons? No, though that really depends on why you are against it. (And usually how you phrase it.)

If it's for Story Reasons (e.g. the background/backstory doesn't make sense anymore, how did 2 white humans have a child of a different race without magic or IVF or gene manipulation or adoption or maybe plain adultery)... you know what? I'd likely agree with you that that specific effort was bad. The worldbuilding has to make sense, the narrative needs to be internally consistent. Sometimes people try to change things, but they don't go backwards into the history/lore quite enough. Good try, but I guess it didn't quite work out. 

But if your only objection is It Was Originally Written White So Changing it is Pandering To The Woke Crowd... or History! There Were No [Race] In History (when it's totally fictional, fantasy world)...

Let's just put it this way: the way some of you say that "inclusion and diversity is virtue signalling" tells me that really, you don't think I am a person. That I cannot exist except on your terms, when you want me to (probably when you need that token Not-White friend). That putting someone who looks like me into a fantasy story will always only be a political move. And not just a reflection of hey, the real world is made up of a bunch of different looking people, my fantasy world is going to be made up of a bunch of different looking people. 

You're telling me that I am a virtue signal and that I don't deserve to have a story written for people like me. And that hurts. (Don't bother defending yourselves. It's okay really. I don't need to be your friend. You don't need to be mine.)

All that? Yes, that is racist. Even if you don't mean it to be. 

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And since the group it was posted in is a Christian group, I feel like there's even more that should be addressed. 

First, I'd like to add that if you're complaining about not seeing Christians in fiction anymore or how Christians are always being portrayed as the "bad guy", think about how POC feel when there are SOOOO many books that do not have any POC, or if they are portrayed at all, are only ever the "bad guy" or the "comic sidekick" (with "comic" usually meaning slow, dumb, or useless).

But most of all, I suppose this is my specific gripe with White Christianity as a whole: that most times, when unity is sought, it’s taken to mean that one needs to conform to the traditions of the western church. In parallel, it’s like the Jews in Acts 15 insisting the Gentiles be circumcised, according to the custom taught by Moses, to be saved - forgetting that Peter addressed the apostles and the elders thus:

Brothers, you know that some time ago God made a choice among you that the Gentiles might hear from my lips the message of the gospel and believe. God, who knows the heart, showed that he accepted them by giving the Holy Spirit to them, just as he did to us. He did not discriminate between us and them, for he purified their hearts by faith. Now then, why do you try to test God by putting on the necks of the Gentiles a yoke that neither we nor our ancestors have been able to bear? No! We believe it is through the grace of our Lord Jesus that we are saved, just as they are.” — Acts 15: 7b-11 (NIV)

I wrote about this before here, so I'll not repeat the whole thing again.

But this insistence on Whiteness in a Christian group makes me wonder sometimes if we are truly following Jesus or if we are just following the White Man.

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Anyway, Inclusion and Diversity. 

You know how they tell artists & writers to push through? That you have to get through the bad art and the terrible first drafts (or first dozen manuscripts) to get to the good stuff? That working through the bad takes is what will help you hone your craft? That right there is inclusion and diversity in the market right now.

People have realised a bias and a gap in the market, and they're talking about it. They've created such a buzz that the big publishers (and media companies) have taken notice. So they're pushing all of that out into the market right now, trying to ride on the wave. They're also probably overcorrecting or overcompensating to some extent - but then there's a huge structural bias to push against so that's probably why.

There's no doubt that some of this push is political - and companies wanting clout. That's okay. That's natural. But I think a lot of it is just people wanting to see their everyday lives (and faces) reflected in the media around them. So they're creating new stories (which often don't sell because saturated market) and also adapting old ones (which make a buzz because existing fanbase, many eyes, much money). 

Do they always get it right? No. Is that a bad thing? Also no. 

Does this change or somehow devalue the "classics" they were based on? No. Because those books/shows are still there. 

Do I necessarily want (or need) another old story rewritten with the White Male Protagonist changed into a Chinese Female Protagonist? Probably not. Because I've already worked through a lot of this for myself. And it doesn't quite affect me as an adult anymore. 

But you know, there are plenty of kids out there seeing all this stuff for the first time. And if this remake with Black Ariel or She-Hulk or Female Thor or racially-diverse dwarves (I don't even know what the objection is, actually) is what's going to give them that epiphany earlier in their lives, we probably would get through all the bad takes faster to reach the better, original, diverse fiction earlier. Because they would be starting at the place I took maybe 20 years to get to. 

At any rate, siapa yang makan cili, dia terasa pedasnya.

Why Your England So Bad? World Englishes and the way forward for Malaysian writers

So. In the light of all the nasty debates over proper grammar and How English Standards Are Going Down The Drain in Malaysia, I figured I should post this online.

Now, to clarify, I used to be quite pedantic about my English and how perfect it has to be. It took reading a lot more local stuff that worked instead of the super-stilted Proper English Written by Malaysians (grammatically correct, but ugh) for me to figure out that no, actually...there is a rhythm and a beauty to the way we speak that actually makes sense. Malaysian English isn't quite standardised across races/states to be a proper creole, but there ARE rules to how we phrase things, which sometimes deviates a little depending on whether you're more influenced by Chinese, Malay, Tamil, or dll. Even pure bananas like me pick it up second-hand. And I don't speak any Chinese and my Malay is abysmal. haha.

It took me coming to study Creative Writing in London to figure this out. Who knew World Englishes is a Thing? They don't talk about it back home. BUT THEY SHOULD.

Anyway, I performed this at the The Decolonial Earth event in Goldsmiths, talking about my linguistic heritage. It starts with the monologue, titled 'Banana', and then continues with the rest of the essay.

DOWNLOAD MONOLOGUE

When I first started writing ‘Banana’, I had no idea what I wanted to say. It was something of a mishmash of thoughts and frustrations interspersed with some sort of a story. In a way, this monologue is a showcase of my ongoing confusion over who I’m supposed to be.

Technically, I know who I’m supposed to be. I’m ethnically Chinese, of Malaysian nationality. But it’s not quite that simple.

Like Karen, I often describe myself as a 100% Banana. Like, you would probably never find a less Chinese-speaking Chinese in Malaysia. And it’s a question I’ve been asked all through my life.

“Why don’t you speak Chinese?” 

I blame my father’s side of the family. (My dad is the one on the left.) My grandfather lost his parents to the Japanese occupation in Johor as a teen and my grandmother came to Malaysia alone also as a teen. Without family and community, both of them fell out of touch with their cultural heritage. They spoke Cantonese at home whilst living in Ipoh, but my dad 'forgot' how to speak Cantonese when he moved to Penang as a teen.

So, I grew up in an English-speaking Christian household (which means you don’t practice Chinese customs which are inherently Buddhist or Taoist) and attended a Sekolah Kebangsaan, or national school—but it was a Methodist school, which counted as “English-Ed”.

I lived in a very white-presenting bubble. Technically, we had all races—Malay, Chinese, Indian—but we spoke English to each other. And of course, enjoyed our banana leaf rice.

It wasn’t until I was in the US for a work thing that two things became very clear. For all I’m immersed in White culture, I’m too Asian to be White. Fair enough. And then I visited a Chinese-speaking church in San Jose and realised how un-Chinese I was, even though I was actually from and based in Asia.

Now, this is the hard thing—at least for me. If you are diaspora who grew up in Britain, or in Australia, or in North America, it’s easier to reconcile some of that dissonance. You’ve chosen the cultural affiliations associated with the country you or your parents migrated to.

I am very firmly rooted in Malaysia. What excuse do I have?

“Why don’t you speak Malay?”

This is where the bubble comes in—for all that the Chinese diaspora is so thoroughly Malaysian (and quite proud of it), it’s usually the food and celebrations that are highlighted. Not the language. Instead of Bahasa Malaysia being the common ground, we often just revert to English, especially in church bubbles.


I mean, technically, I’m bilingual. I learnt Malay for eleven years in school. I read the language better than I speak it. Yet for all practical purposes, I’m monolingual.



As a writer—and even before I started writing—language has formed a very core part of my identity. I count myself as a native speaker, English as my mother tongue, even though it won’t be officially recognised anywhere. Without it, I don’t know who I am. It’s a poor excuse, I know.

But honestly, I’m afraid. I’m one of those terribly timid people who won’t do a thing because of fear of embarrassment. And besides change, language is my biggest fear.

I only have one trick: my words, in English.

I’ve been reading books by people of colour recently—written in English, not translations—and I’ve come to realise this. English, as written by the whites, has become quite sterile. It’s dead, rooted in Shakespeare and the Bible, even if they’re not quite aware of it.

These books aren’t.

My reviews can be found under this tag: https://blog.annatsp.com/search/label/WNDB

They’re unapologetic about the words they use, about the cultural ideas they represent, and the languages they slip in. (Take notes! Read These Books!)

There is a level of acceptance of dialect and slang in literature, a sort of hierarchy of languages. As long as it’s a White dialect (Yorkshire, Irish, Midwest, Shakespearean) or Euro-centric (Latin, French, Italian)—maybe a little Spanish, but not too much—it’s okay. Agatha Christie’s Hercule Poirot is allowed his quaint sayings. Huckleberry Finn is “natural”.

But add in some Tamil or Malay or Chinese and it’s like oh my God, why do you have all these weird foreign words? It’s so unrelatable.

But diversity is what people are looking for now. People of colour are looking to see themselves represented in fiction—and it can’t just be the colour of their skin. Not just being the token brown guy. It has to also be the way they speak, the way they mix languages, the thoughts and feelings that cannot be divorced from who they are.

We read to make sense of the world, to discover who we are. But even more, we write to discover who we are, who we are becoming. Even if it’s only to say that we’re leaving parts of our heritage behind. It happens.

Language has always evolved. English is one of the stupidest, most annoying languages to learn whether spoken or written because it has absorbed and Anglicised so many 'foreign' words that they’re not even aware of it. There are many native Englishes because it’s spoken all around the world thanks to colonisation.

What we should be working towards now is to recognise the beauty of these variants and use them in fiction—to create works of art instead of upholding this so-called hierarchy of languages.

Stolen from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/World_Englishes
Malaysia is part of the Outer Circle.

There’s a difference between a heart language and one that you’re using solely for communication. We need to allow the diaspora—they need to allow themselves—to write in their heart language, the one that comes out of them in their comfort zone, even if it’s a creole that only their community gets. To be empowered to tell their stories in their languages—even if it isn’t “proper” English!

When I think about a decolonial future, I think about these voices in Malaysia who switch from English to Malay to Chinese to Tamil with ease, who bask in bilingual puns, and poke fun at their own cultures, yet are united because of their security in their national identity, no matter what language they speak.

Oh yeah, and that one token white guy because we can.

Rethinking my approach to #bookreviews and star ratings

I blogged about blogging more and then dropped off the grid. haha.

Well, Tuesday I did blog, but over at Teaspoon Publishing. And then classes started again yesterday. I was still hoping to finish my review of New Suns by then, but we hung out after class, and then I dropped by the department's New Year thing, and then I procrastinated dinner, and by the time I actually finished reading the book, it was almost midnight and I was falling asleep. I'm not usually that last minute in reviewing books, though. I was originally planning to review another book this week, but when I finished it, I hated it, and after much thinking, I decided I was not going to expend any more energy on it by writing a review.

I've been thinking about book reviews and star ratings ever since the last SRFC. Someone mentioned something along the lines of how authors shouldn't give a book anything less than 5/5 stars because doing that is pulling their ratings down and being mean to our colleagues. This reminds me now of the stupid kerfuffle that stopped us doing readings at The Constant Gardener (yes, there was a reason we moved), but my immediate reaction was actually well, in Corporate, we rate our colleagues ALL THE TIME. That's why we have 360-degree reviews (we review our juniors, peers AND managers). But thinking it over, we don't rate them in public and no one else knows what we wrote except us and HR, and whatever HR releases (anonymously) to the reviewee. So yeah, maybe there is a difference.

Sidetrack about performance reviews: I used to be super stressed about how to rate people's work, especially those looking for job confirmation, until one of my managers simplified it for me. She asked (I'm paraphrasing, I don't have perfect recall), "well, would you like this person assigned to your team for your next job (project)? If your answer is an immediate no... then you know what to do." Because if it's a matter of personality clash, you're more likely to go ah, well, maybe, we'll see but if it's a matter of that person is so incompetent you just want to stab him/her, it'll be an automatic omg noooo go awayyyy *throws garlic, salt, holy water, whatever is on hand*. That's me anyway.

But back to book reviews, this person's rationale was that as an author yourself, you would have a following who would probably put more weight on your rating and review than they would on others. Which makes sense.

On the other hand, this fallacy in thinking that only a 5-star book is a good book is... silly. The real world doesn't work that way. A 4-star review is still a good review. Heck, a 1-star review with a carefully thought out reason could also end up being good endorsement for a book because hate reads are a thing. Everyone who reviews and reads reviews knows that no one can 5-star everything. That either means that you're overly generous, you don't want to hurt/offend people, or you're not really a good judge of what you're reviewing.

As a reader, the thing that interests me first is the story description anyway, and I'll only turn down a book based on star ratings if it's less than 2.5... kind of like the passing GPA. LOL. That's usually also a budget thing. Because I buy too many books.

So I dunno. I'm rethinking the way I review and rate books. The big review sites usually have a starred review (Fellowship of Fantasy does a "knighted" review) for the really really good books but no star ratings for anything else, and I might swing that way. The stats on Goodreads would look really weird, though. I usually have a range throughout the year, with most falling between 3 - 5 stars. The ones I don't end up rating are usually the ones I'm too conflicted about to even guess at a star.

What do you think? Maintain the star ratings? Ditch them? Stop reviewing?

AM I BEING WORRIED ABOUT NOTHING?!

(I mean yes, a poor review about my books would make me sad but but it's your opinion and you're entitled to it. Does it make any difference if the review is from a writer or a non-writer because we're all in the business of talking about books anyway?)

I'm probably overthinking it by now so I'm going to go back to actually finish writing my review. HA. But please, settle my doubts.

#RealmMakers2017: Issues

Another thing that came out a few times over the course of Realm Makers was the cry for Christian writers to actually write about issues. Instead of circling around them. Instead of pretending they don't exist. Or that people don't need to read about them. (Oh, we need to keep our fiction clean, you know, so we don't offend God... or our readers.)

There's issue fiction (stories written specifically to deal with an issue) and there's fiction with issues (it's not specifically written to address an issue, but issues are brought up in them). You can write either. But as Mary Weber pointed out, the important thing is to write what's on your heart.

Where do you need to see God move?

This question wasn't really related to the impassioned talks about issues (it came up during the part about the heart of the story), but I really think it's the perfect question to use when you talk about issues. Because our issues are the issues our readers face. The things we've overcome (or are struggling to overcome) are the things our readers are struggling through. And having it out there in fiction, in tangible words and intangible feelings, can help them process. It lets them know that they're not alone. They're not strange. Other people are facing the same problems they are. 

There's a difference between clean and safe. We can write clean--even if your character is a gangster who has a foul mouth, there are several creative ways to characterise that without actually using swear words (you're a creative writer, aren't you?)--but we shouldn't necessarily write safe. Talking about issues isn't safe. Talking about rape and depression and harassment and racism and equality isn't safe, but they need to be talked about. They need to be addressed. And sometimes your fiction, while it isn't safe or necessarily clean, may be able to provide a safe space for traumatised people to start dealing with or processing these issues and their impact on their lives. 

And maybe, when you address the issue in a way that is honouring to God, they can come to realise that there is another option. There is a way out. They don't need to succumb to what the world is pressuring them to do or be. 

Trust that the Holy Spirit is active and speaking in your writing process.

The question is sometimes this: when is it too much? Where do you cross the line between "being real" and "being offensive"? 

I don't know. I can't tell you. I highly doubt any of the speakers at the conference will be able to give you an exact answer. There are many factors involved: the audience you're targeting, the publishers you work with, your own conscience. But one thing that came out pretty loud and clear was the fact that if you are writing this with God, the Holy Spirit will guide you. 

I wrote this down (it's either Mary or Jim who said it, I don't remember who; it's probably paraphrased anyway):

TALK ABOUT ISSUES. Don't shy away.
Ask yourself: What crosses the line for your spirit? How far does the Spirit want you to go with it?
Then go with it. 

Ted Dekker fielded a question about writing about issues (I think) and his answer was this: agenda-driven fiction only addresses the choir. It never converts anyone. Write to discover. Write to see. Be authentic.

And when you are authentic, genuine, about the realities of life, that's when you really speak into the lives of others, whether you meant to or not.

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As a tag-on note, we've just finished the workshops for Voices 2017 and I am truly, truly deeply honoured to have been able to sit there and listen to the stories these 15 women have had to tell. 

The stories were deeply personal, unapologetically raw and extremely powerful, covering topics such as depression, body image, self-esteem, death, sexual assault, harassment, mental illness, marriage, love, abuse, and faith--all the things that women go through in their lives (there's probably more that my brain refuses to remember right now). There's no sugar-coating, no shying away, just honesty and vulnerability; a voice speaking up from and in the darkness. 

There's power in that honest sharing of lives, made possible by the agreement to create that safe space. And that's what I'd like to believe our fiction can create. 

A safe space for the weakest voices to be heard. 

#RealmMakers2017: Identity

Dear multiple people who've asked how this conference was for me, I'm sorry for giving you awkward answers because I don't really process well verbally on the spot. Ask me in person now and maybe I can give you more than an "it was really good." (Or maybe not. Just read the blog.)

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One of the things that came up over and over again throughout the course of the conference was the issue of identity.

In David Farland's pre-conference workshop, he asked the question, "Who are you?" (What's your brand? Your territory? How do you define yourself as a writer?)

As part of the Q&A, he also mentioned Own Voices (all the rage, ha) and the need/demand for those authentic voices in the industry right now. (Cultural identity, gender identity, etc.)

Ted Dekker's keynote focused a lot on perception: how our perception of life defines the story we tell ourselves, how our identity needs to be tied up in Christ instead of our writing, our career, our dreams, or our goals.

That identity is one of completion; of fulfilment--to see who you are in Christ is to remember that it is finished. There is no battle. Or as my notes say: Learn to awaken to the reality where you can sleep through the storm because, in your perception, there is no storm. (Ref: Jesus sleeping in the boat during the storm whilst the disciples are freaking out)

Our writing is part of our journey to discovering that in full: to discover who we are, who our Father is, and to bring others along so that they too may know Christ in his fullness.


In the continuing session I attended (Heroes, Villians, & the Heart of Your Story), James L. Rubart and Mary Weber talked about how the theme (sermon) of our lives--the thing that is at our core--is really what's going to be the heart (heft) of our stories.

Repeated is the thought that the things that we struggle with, the perspective we hold, our journey of self-discovery, is what's going provide that heft and grounding to our stories.

Weber put it this way, "Your book will be as shallow as you allow it to be." If we don't work through our own issues, including where our identity is, we're just going to keep scratching the surface.

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I think one of the reasons this resonates with me so much is because it's always been an ongoing struggle for me to fit in. And because of that, I don't really know how to define who I am except in negatives.

• I'm the banana/"speaking one" (i.e. stupid Chinese kid who doesn't speak her mother tongue, how can you call yourself a Chinese? -- Well, I don't. I call myself a Malaysian)
• I'm the PK (i.e. the one no one really wants to be friends with because ew, what if she tells her parents what we do? / "eh, LOOK ANNA DID THIS [insert stupid thing I did] MOM so it's okay" which generally leads to "how can the PK act this way? She should know better" -- Give me a break, okay?)
• I'm the introvert (i.e. I'm going to stand here and stare at you awkwardly while my brain tries to come up with something to say -- Um, which is why I write. lol)
• I'm the bookworm (i.e. she's boring, she doesn't want to play games -- Not to mention games gives me anxiety.)
• I'm the single young adult in the Intergenerational Cell (i.e. married with kids group) because the young adult singles group is... just getting too young (i.e. college kids/fresh grads). 
• I'm the Chinese-Malaysian girl who's not Chinese enough and not Malaysian enough, because I'm culturally too Western. But I'm also not Western enough because I'm culturally too Asian.
• Here, I'm the person who travelled halfway across the world to put herself in an uncomfortable position and I'm panicking. Because I really want to connect, but I really don't know what to say, and everyone is loud and it's overwhelming and when you talk over me, I just shut down and shut in. (I like wallflowering. It's cool.) 

But this is not truth.

And I know it. In my head. Though not always necessarily in my heart.

So it's affirming. It's really affirming to remember that my identity is not in my writing, it's not in my failures, it's not in my struggles, it's not in my general awkwardness, but it's in Christ.

As Dekker kept emphasising, Christ is all, and in all.
So that's where my identity should be. And although I'm not there yet, at least I know what I'm striving towards.

---

Colossians 3:1-11

AMP:
11 - a renewal in which there is no [distinction between] Greek and Jew, circumcised and uncircumcised, [nor between nations whether] [c]barbarian or [d]Scythian, [nor in status whether] slave or free, but Christ is all, and in all [so believers are equal in Christ, without distinction].

ALKITAB:
11 - Dengan demikian, lenyaplah perbezaan antara orang bukan Yahudi, dengan orang Yahudi, orang bersunat dengan orang yang tidak bersunat, orang asing dengan orang biadab, abdi dengan orang bebas. Kristuslah segala-galanya dan Dia bersatu dengan mereka semua.

---

Translation giggles: I would totally translate "orang asing" as "foreigners" and "orang biadab" as "rude people" - not exactly what barbarian or Scythian is supposed to mean?
Amplified puts the notes as such:

c - A derogatory term used to describe uneducated, uncultured people who were not fluent in the Greek language. [I guess foreigners works?]

d - The Scythians were savage equestrian herdsmen who were skilled archers and often worked as mercenaries and/or slave traders. The Scythian women were known to dress as warriors and fight alongside the men. [okay, so maybe biadap as in uncultured, not rude. But then again barbarian already means uncultured. lol]

Other note: the English translation puts it as "there is no distinction" which feels like it's already done. To me, the Malay phrase "Dengan demikian, lenyaplah perbezaan" gives the feel of "With that, we [need to] remove the difference/distinction"--There's an air of continuing and purposeful effort, as if we, the church, need to consciously remember and steadily work towards a world where there is no difference. Or actually, my brain is now saying "With that, the difference (perbezaan) disappears (lenyaplah)." Still, it has the tone of action, or at least being active. 

2015: a year in review

This year has been crazy, both in real life and on the blog.

I don't know where 17K views came from in August because I don't recall that I actually did anything special in August. April spikes are always from the A to Z Challenge and sometimes November is NaNoWriMo, except I flunked out of nano this year.

Wait. Total pageviews for the year is almost double last year's. What's going on here? (96K vs 53K). Okay, I suppose I was a little more consistent with my Wednesday #bookreview and my Monday #musicmonday posts. Also have been writing longer reviews instead of crappy ones, especially since quite a fair bit of books were read-for-reviews through the author or through Novel Publicity. My #fridayflash posts on Fridays were a little inconsistent this year despite me saying I was going to write, write, write, submit, submit, submit.

Side note: I always get this little thrill when I receive an email asking if I would like to review their book! I'm like wheeeee freee booooookkkk. Waaaaiiittttt. How did you find me? Why do you want to ask me to review your book? WHAT DID I DO RIGHT? Yaaaayy people know my blloooooggggg. Eh. Where are all these views coming from? (Yeah, I'm a bit unstable that way. I know, I know, I left my contact details on my blog saying to email me if you want me to review your books, but you know, sometimes you don't really quite expect it to happen.)
Side side note: I also received FREE TEA for review this year!

From the top posts for the year (wow, 4 new ones!), rambly posts about internal angst somehow seem to garner a lot of reads: on Penang, calling, and relationships | Ramblings on Esther.
I tried to put stuff out to medium earlier in the year, but in the end, readership is always the best/highest on my own blog, so I'm probably just going to cross post there instead of concentrating on it.

At any rate, highlights of this year are many and varied.

For one, I left my job. I am now an unemployed bum, trying to write the Next Malaysian Novel, which isn't really a great thing, given the state of the local industry. But still, I try. (Hire me!) I'm a little headless-chicken at the moment, because although I have some plans, they're not very concrete at the moment.

---

I have too many strange and scattered thoughts to process at this moment, but I suppose one big thing I should reflect upon this year are the many friendships I have made. Facebook tells me that I have made something like 138 friends during the year (i.e. I added them on Facebook), but that's not really an accurate view of things.

What I suppose I should be saying is that I'm grateful for the friends I have made and friendships that have strengthened over the past year, especially the ones who are far away. For some odd reason, I feel like I remember them more often than I do the ones who are close by. People like Monica, Jennifer, Roslyn, Daral, Julia, Iris, Chi. Maybe distance makes the heart grow fonder (if there is such a thing), or maybe my conflicted heart is trying to distance itself from perceived situations it doesn't like, holding on to to happy (happier?) memories instead.

Because it doesn't hurt so darned much when you see people far away having fun together without you because you are not physically there compared to when you see reunions happening and people coming home and meeting up without you because you've always been the fifth wheel. 

But friends. Friends are wonderful things (people?) to have and I am aware that I am still as bad at being a friend as ever. Maybe because I always have nothing to say. Maybe because I do not know how to be generous enough with my time and my money and my heart. Maybe because I am always boring and serious and I don't know how to have fun. Maybe because I don't like doing active stuff, like swimming and biking and hiking and cooking.

---

Writing wise, I finally sold a short story this year, Codes, which appears in Cyberpunk: Malaysia, and I'm too laxy to get a link for you, so just google it. I also published another short story on my own, the link for which appears on the sidebar on the right, but this post shouldn't get all markety. I mean, yes, I did accomplish these things!
But you know, Asian.

---

I was hoping to finish this before the new year, but the fireworks have started. It's 12:01 AM, so:

happy new year! 

---

One good thing about this writing fellowship I am applying for is the fact that they need you to prepare a resume, including your recent publications. And in compiling my resume, I am astounded at how much I have actually accomplished. I mean, it's not very prolific by the standards of some, but... I'm like I did that? I produced something every year since 2011?
And this isn't even counting the odd novels I wrote for nano that I have yet to edit and the blog stuff I have been doing.

And I need that peptalk, really, because I 'm always harder on myself than I need to be. And if I'm honestly reviewing this year, it has been pretty okay. There were some great times and mostly good times. But the problem is that my mind reminds me instead of all the things that I hate about myself, it focuses on all the times I failed, and all the things I've been doing wrong, and all the opportunities that I've missed because fundamentally, I don't like myself very much. And the reason I don't like myself very much is because I see that other people don't like me very much. And I don't know what standard I'm using to judge that, but it just is.

---

There isn't much left to review of last year, I suppose.
It has been an interesting year and all we can do about it now is to forge on ahead.

On attempting to live The Dream

TL;DR version:

I am now writing full time. Support me on Patreon or hire me to edit your work!
Pick up When Winds Blow Cold free on Noisetrade or purchase it from Smashwords or Amazon.
Sign up for my mailing list and be notified when my next story comes out! (Hopefully April 2016)

---

Full, convoluted, Anna-style version:

A little over three months ago I gave up my day job to live The Dream.
But really, it has been nine months since the day my heart shifted. (This is why I have a blog; because I forget too easily the things I should remember.) I have been wanting to write this post for ages now, but I have never gotten round to it until now. Is there a significance to the timing? I don't know. Maybe.

It's not as if this dream hasn't been there for a long time. It's just that it has never actually been very focused, and whilst there is somewhat a little bit more of a focus now, it still seems like a very hazy reality.

---

But what is The Dream?

It's difficult to describe. The Dream consists of many parts. Of books and words, of dance and song, of theatre and the stage. It has spanned many years. Constantly evolving, yet somehow somewhat the same. It has been birthing for the past 9 years, from when I first made that choice to return and build. It has been discarded and reinstated. It has been given up on and pursued.
It's like I know what I want but I don't know how to get there. I don't know 100% how to yet.

But in its original version, at the core of it, it stays unchanged:

You will see songs of worship raised in fragrance to heaven.
You will see dances of praise choreographed for His glory.
You will see life-changing dramas written and acted that will speak truth to the nations.
You will see your words and books that will impact a generation through story.

At the midst of it, audacious prayers have been prayed, mountains have been asked for.

But what does it LOOK like?

Which is difficult, difficult to explain. Because I don't know. At its very basic, it looks like this:

Write. Because that’s what I called you to do. And from your words will flow My rivers of living waters. And My seed will be planted in each heart because of each word that you write, because of each word you speak.
Speak. You are not my silent one. You are my Spoken one. I have spoken for you. I have spoken to you. I will speak through you. I have given you a Voice. So Speak. Not hide.
Sing. Because those are My songs in your heart. And My anointing does not run out. You will sing what I tell you to sing, you will declare what I say to you to declare, and My Word will go forth in the congregation.

----

The past 3 months have been decidedly weird. As Daral has mentioned a few times, I have been surprisingly busy, despite my worry that I would devolve into a lump of blubber. As KK and Mookie have also mentioned, I've been busier than when I was actually working a 9-6. I'm not entirely sure that this busyness has been fruitful, or if it will bear fruit eventually, but it is what it is, and if for nothing else, I have also discovered things that I will absolutely not do ever again.

Anyway, here's a summary of what I've been doing:

• Volunteered for FreedomFilmFest Penang (which I will continue to be involved in for the foreseeable future)
• Helped work on a proposal and pitch for the Kaki Lima International Film Fest (which is a no-go, unfortunately)
• Released my short story - When Winds Blow Cold. This is currently for sale on Amazon and Smashwords at $0.99, but is also free on Noisetrade until the end of the year, primarily so that I can add people to my mailing list. Hee. 
• Continued working on edits to my still-untitled Fairy Tale. I think I should be done by January. Finally. Hopefully to be released in April! :D
• Uh. Blogged. And reviewed books. 
• Volunteered at an Arts-Ed Youth Arts Camp where we taught teenagers about timelapse photography. I also discovered (or re-discovered) that I am very bad at facilitating, and I really do not like talking to random people. And no, I am still not a kid person, though these teens are decidedly better than... others. 
• Did a couple of proofreading/editing jobs. (Hire me!)
• Kicked off Christmas practices, which are stressing me out. (I will never ever ever ever direct ever again)
• Finished writing a script for Easter next year (Yes, I will act. No, I will not direct)
• Failed miserably at Nanowrimo due to Easter script and youth arts camp.
• Helped out at LUMA, mainly by sitting there during exhibitions when Choon Ean has to head off and do stuff; also by pretending to know how to help set up stuff for the BIG FISH, little fish exhibition.
• Submitted to another Fixi Novo anthology (keeps fingers crossed, though I know that doesn't work)
• Did book signings and readings with MyWriters!
• Went to Hatyai with the YAs and bought stuff. And ate stuff. 
• We had write-ins.

---

Things that are coming up for 2016:

• Semicolon, an Easter play in March 
• Release of the Fairy Tale in April 
• Project Dance Penang in Sept 
• MyWriters Festival & Workshops in Oct 

---

So in writing it down, it does look like I did a lot, though as I also said, I don't know if these are going to be the core of what I will continue to be doing. 

I think there is going to have to be a lot more streamlining going on, especially in terms of what I want to achieve, and where my core ministry lies, because at times I feel as if I am doing everything because I can, not because I should be. 

And that is really much too distracting and overwhelming. 

I wanted to write down a vision, but I suppose that will come in another post. Mostly because that is the one thing I am still grappling with. I hoped it would come clearer as I wrote, but not yet. Not yet. 

Ramblings on Esther: For such a time as this

I was re-reading Esther, and after all this time, I guess the one thing that still sticks in my mind is Mordecai's question to Esther: "Yet who knows whether you have come to the kingdom for such a time as this?" (Esther 4:14b)

Who knows if you were born into this time, into this place, into this situation for such a time as this?
Who knows if you gained this position, this authority, this stature, this voice for such a time as this?

Because these are dark times for Malaysia. And if you, who were born and bred here, do not stay and build, who will?

---

I wish I could remember the song Josh wrote for Star of Persia. All I can remember is the first half of the chorus - "For such a time as this, I live to serve my people, now I know what I was meant to do" (I think. Something like that. hahahahahaha THAT WAS 12 YEARS AGO OKAY.)

I also wish the songs were on youtube because they're nice. But songs only, no video. hahahahah.

I should rewatch it and cringe at my awkward hands and facial expressions. And my ducky runny nose voice.
Not. NEVER GOING TO REWATCH IT. Never ever ever ever ever.

---

I like the way God fixes up the events in Esther where Haman, puffed up with pride at the honour the King and the Queen are giving him, is suddenly humiliated by having to honour the one guy he really wants to kill. And it's like the King could have remembered to honour Mordecai anytime before that event, but he didn't until that one sleepless night.

It's also interesting that Zeresh says "If Mordecai, before whom you have begun to fall, is of Jewish descent, you will not prevail against him but will surely fall before him," to Haman right before the fateful banquet. It's like, these Jews were captives in a foreign land, and yet God's reputation still went before them. He fights their battles. He keeps them alive. He prospers them in adversity. You will not prevail against him but will surely fall before him.

---

We are sometimes strangers in our own land. But it is our land, because God has given it to us.

Some are called to go. Go far away, spread the gospel far and wide, live by faith. Bring the good news to the people who need it.

But most of us are called to stay. Not to stay to be complacent, or to stay and wait for heaven, but to stay and build where we are, so that we can be a blessing to the people around us who do not yet know God, and so that we can channel these blessings to them and to those who have been called to go. We stay because the people around us need the gospel too.

It's easier now. We live in a glocal society. We're local - we meet the needs of the people around us, of the community that surrounds us, and yet we are also global - with the touch of a button, with the click of a mouse, we are connected to many far flung places. It is a boon, and a curse.
A boon, because we can reach many people in many places at the same time.
A curse, because we then forget that these are real people, with real problems, and not everything can be solved with some screen time.

But this is the time we have been born in. A special time. A crazy time. A time with unknown possibilities unfurling before us.
And if you have been born for such a time as this, what seed has God planted in you that will bring glory to His name? What are you going to water in your life so that when that moment comes you are ready to step forth into the plan that He has for your life?

That is a question you need to answer.

---

At the end of Esther, it isn't that the decree to kill the Jews has been revoked. The King can't do that because he isn't above the law (ha ha ha. *ahem*). But what the King can do is to issue another decree that would maybe supercede or change the outcome of the first one. And the King, being this weird person who likes to delegate things to other people (didn't he learn with Haman?) lets Mordecai do whatever he wants with his signet ring.

And crafty old Mordecai uses this to totally annihilate all the enemies of the Jews that were hiding in the land of Persia. [Eh, not just Persia - the message goes out to all the provinces, even from India to Ethopia.]

How's that for retribution?

---

I think God has been stirring things up, both here in Ignite in San Jose, and back home in PCC in Penang. There's an expectation, a waiting, a hoping for things to come.
Sometimes it feels like there's a long way more to go.
But sometimes it feels like it's almost here.

The question is if we will respond as Esther did - firstly with a call to prayer, and then with an act of faith.

on Penang, calling, and relationships

At the end of my college years in Kuala Lumpur, my Christian Fellowship friends asked me what would make me stay and work there instead of heading back to Penang. A good job? A boyfriend, maybe? My answer then was that I felt called to Penang, because if everyone else left, who would stay and build?

Someone, Solomon or Rowen probably, asked, but what if you found a guy in KL? I shrugged and said that I guess he would have to move to Penang then. 

So I went home. And nine years on, it seems like the question still stands. 

What if you found someone but he's not in Penang? Would you move for him?

Maybe it's the remnants of my Asianness that whispers to me that the wife follows the husband. Or maybe it's the conservatism and tradition in me. It's just what's done. So I blame myself for being single because I would require my future spouse to move to Penang for me and take that as a proof of love. And if that were it, I would never get married because all the guys I click with really well are not in Penang, and all the guys in Penang are well... let's just say there's not much connection. 

I talked a little about this in this medium post, and recently, I've been thinking about it more and this struck me: if he moves to Penang it will be his sacrifice for God, not for me.

It's not a major revelation. I figure I knew it somewhere in my heart all this while, just that it was buried underneath the reams of self-pity that tend to bubble up. But that's the thing. If a marriage is going to work, there has to be an underlying alignment (which I have been praying for), and that alignment, for me, is going to have to be this mutual call to Penang. It's not an easy call. It's not the easiest place to live in, it isn't the best of many worlds (though apparently it's in the top 10 places to retire to), and half the people I know seem to think that I would be happier somewhere else, or at least find more marriageable people if I were to move away. Heck, most of them would ask why I don't just get a transfer to San Jose. It's tempting. The people here are lovely :)

---

I don't really know why I am blogging this, other than to get it out of my head where it's been for the past few days. To quote, "if a relationship does not serve my faith, then it's the wrong relationship." 

I think that makes sense.

---

I ended the post there, but it felt like there was more to say; I am not sure exactly what.

Give me Penang, I once prayed. Give me the arts in Penang. 
In the same breath, I tell God I'm not enough. My hands are too weak to hold.  
So there is this calling, and there is this tension, and there is this vision too big to comprehend. And the same heart that is stepping out in faith for this vision, for this calling, also stands in disbelief at the goodness of God regarding relationships.

I don't know how to reconcile myself to myself. I waver between hopeful belief and bitter disbelief, trying to apply my faith in the goodness of God in some areas of my life to the faithless areas that still exist. It feels like I have faith in His provision for my career, for my future, for His dreams (not totally mine! I'm too chicken), but I have no faith for my relationships or for healing. Some days, I'm filled with faith and the glory of God. On others, I question what I really believe and why.

And the problem of knowing God as a person is that I'm bad at relationships. I think I know someone well enough, but find out sooner or later that I don't. Discussions about thoughts and opinions seem to carry more weight to me than simple things like knowing someone's favourite colour. I dive into depths without exploring the shallows and I don't know if that's very relationally healthy. I feel emotional connections that are one-sided, and I have a terrible track record at maintaining, much less growing, friendships. I know God loves me more than I can love Him back but sometimes I don't know that. Then there are the days I get so peopled out that I don't even want to be with myself.

---

Sidetrack edit: relationship thought - I wonder if I don't treat God like a human friend, where I sometimes feel so frustrated/annoyed/tired that I decide not to talk to anyone, including God. He's probably listening in to my thoughts anyway, so I don't know why I think that would make any difference, but this tendency to want to shut people out - or to head for exclusivity - is not very balanced. And where people would probably get upset (sorry, I know I have been ignoring/avoiding some people; if you read this... well. um.) God would... I don't know... shake His head and facepalm and say "again, really?"
Or really, He would just say I love you anyway. 

---

My thoughts are straying, and I don't know how this post is to end. I suppose I ended it once before, so I should be able to do so again.

My heart's cry is really to love and to be loved in return. I don't know why it's so difficult, but it is. Maybe it's because I discover every day that I still don't know how to love enough; my feeble efforts at caring leave me dissatisfied with who I am because I see how much more people love, and how much more people care, and how much more God loves. I suppose this is good. And yet it is also discouraging. I have a fuzzy notion of how love works. But sometimes I don't think I really know.

And so I pray for alignment. Not alignment of the stars, as if some grand story foretold will take place; just the alignment of our wills with God's, the alignment of our desires to build in the same place, even if it's not in the same ministry, and the alignment of our purposes so that we may walk the same way together for this span.

It seems so small, but it is a big thing to ask. 

Redeeming the arts, not just reviling it

We had this seminar today which cued a lot of eye rolling and snide remarks from me. Because I am a horrible human being. I am not afraid to admit that. Haha. I was wondering if I should start a rant about it and then I got distracted and then I decided maybe not. But I'm here now. Typing. So.

I guess the most important thing I have to say about this whole... whole.. thing, is really this:
If your God is greater, stronger, mightier, more powerful, omnipotent, omnipresent, redeemer, higher, creator and ruler of all, don't you think that you have nothing to worry about?

Because at the root of it all, this is blatant fear-mongering. If I may be so bold, I would say that whilst it is true that symbols do have power and we should be careful about what we watch, read and listen to, going witch hunting for symbols in everything in the world is not useful in any sense. Look - if you really want to find something, you will find it. You can fit anything into your theories after the fact, but is that really what you want to do? [DUH TRIANGLES AND CIRCLES EXIST EVERYWHERE HELLO! BEE HIVES AND OWLS AND LIGHTING BOLTS WERE CREATED BY GOD DUH] If anything, it's only going to create a culture of fear whereby you might as well go live in a cave or become Amish.

You think the Chinese are superstitious? Try the Christians. *rolls eyes*

Okay - so you can point out a gazillion examples of how the media is influencing us in the wrong ways and throw out statistics like how there's only 4% of homosexuals in America vs 40% evangelicals but how they are over-represented in media (I'm just dumping numbers off the top of my head from what I remember was said - not sure if they're correct). Why is that, you ask?

WHY IS THAT?

Because the people who have gone before you, and who have put all this "information" on the net for you to "research" and "preach" about, have done a very fine job of scaring off the Christians from the entertainment industry so that there are NO PRODUCERS OF GOOD CONTENT LEFT.

And by "good" I don't just mean "quality" - I mostly mean wholesome (though if wholesome isn't very entertaining, it's also not very good).

The answer to deception and manipulation by the media is not to run away. It is not to cry foul and say "how can you produce such awful, evil things! Remove it from our sight! We are so holy we can't see this! It's a bad industry! Stay away from it!" The answer is not to pull ourselves out of the world and refuse to get involved.

The answer is to counter-produce - to flood the market with good, holy, wholesome things that will inundate the industry with good. The answer is to give the people a choice. To put God back into the culture and references of the world. They may not always choose the good - but if there is no choice, then there is no conversation, and what are you complaining about?

It's no use to only always ever be pointing people away from something. People need something to head towards. So if you're going to be warning people about how bad the entertainment industry has gotten, you had also better be able to start pointing those same people to good examples of how the entertainment industry can and has changed the world for the better.

After all, isn't that what redemption is all about?

Okay. So I ranted. Sorry, couldn't help it.

The point here is this: we need to change the narrative that says

"we pull ourselves out of this [sphere] because [all these bad things] are happening, and all the people involved act in [these certain kinds of ways that we disagree with] and we don't want to be influenced by them" 

and instead say

"despite all the [things we disagree with] that are happening, we will continue to be involved in this [sphere] in order to be able to influence them for good because we believe that God has called us to redeem His creation by our presence in this [sphere] and among these people."

Because then, and only then, can we really make a difference in the world.

[andohpleasenomorecrappydeathbedconversionformulastoriesthankyou]

#AtoZchallenge: You Make Me Brave

There seems to be two titles of this song - half the lists put it as "You make me brave", the others title it "Make me brave."
But since this says "Official Live Music Video," I guess this should be the right title. :P

This is kind of like a follow on to Oceans, for me at least. I guess the basis of it is really the story of Peter getting out of the boat and walking on water to meet Jesus.

You make me brave
You make me brave
You called me out beyond the shore into the waves
You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now the love that made a way
You make me brave
You make me brave
You called me out beyond the shore into the waves
You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now the promises you made

---

On an aside, spiritual metaphors aside, I really am afraid of drowning. I don't know how to swim and I have a fear of putting my head under the water, even if I know my feet are touching the ground. And I really, really, really, really hate getting water up my nose.

So all these watery/oceanic songs are really... something else.

---

I was going to end there, but I guess I needed to write more about this.
I guess fear is a thing that I struggle with a lot. To which Daniel pointed out 2 Timothy 1:7 - For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. Which I agree with, but is sometimes easier said and remembered than walked out and practiced.

The first I recall praying for this - "to be brave" (or something like that) - was, I think, at Encounter weekend (sometime maybe in 2004? 2005?). It's not that I'm afraid of everything, or I'm nervous or shy or timid. It's not that kind of fear.

It's this feeling of being too small, of being too insignificant, of being forgotten and passed by, of being too wrong for all the things that I want to do. This feeling of being overwhelmed at the enormity of what God has intended for me. The huge question of "but how?" that paralyzes me every time I say "yes" to God.

I make plans. I write things. I prepare. But half the battle is in getting it out there, in telling people that look - we're going to do this, okay because it's so much easier to be lazy and to wallow around in a dozen books. And when I finally do them, I'm overwhelmed by all the things that need to be done and go I'm never going to do this again. But I do. And half the battle is believing I'm good enough.

Which is why this song resonates so much with me. The cry that says You make me brave because I'm not brave enough to do this on my own. I'm not brave enough to write this on  my own. I'm not brave enough to dream this on my own.

Because I'm overwhelmed way too easily.

But You're not.

And no fear can hinder now the promises you made.

---

And because this song, and this story apparently needs more add-ons (as if it weren't long enough), I have a big scary decision looming in the future.
Well, I think I have decided but that doesn't make it any less scary.
And I don't want to decide wrong, though I don't think it will come to that.

It's just that I don't know where it's going to take me and that addresses one of the biggest fears and challenges in my life: uncertainty.
Pray for me. Pray with me.

Do you like your church?

"Why do you like the church you are at now?" he asked.

I don't know.

See, I can't decide if I like the church. There are things about it I am passionate about and at the same time, things about it that frustrate me. There are parts of it that I love and I love nurturing and watching grow, and there are parts of it that I hate and a stabby part of me wants to stab until it drops away and dies. Or bleeds to death.

Church is difficult. I believe in Church. But I don't. There's a post somewhere on that, I think. Probably. It's something I seem to remember ranting over a while ago.

Paul asks us not to forsake the gathering of the saints, so I don't. Until the days that I really need to for sanity's sake.

Church isn't easy. It's messy. Like life. Like all of us. And putting all our messes into one building once a week (or more) is like pulling a tiger's tail and standing there, expecting it not to maul you. I think. I've never pulled a tiger's tail. But I've been in church long enough and hung around churched Christians long enough to see the damage that sometimes ensues. I've seen enough of church splits and church rifts and people leaving en masse, sometimes not to another church (which is not so bad) but to faithlessness. And yet Jesus says that this is how all men will know that we are His disciples - that we love one another. And loving one another means hanging around each other. Usually in the church.

Tall order.
I don't know how to love people. Sometimes being with myself is already more than I can bear.

I live in the tension of a strange dichotomy; of being a conservative charismatic, the most uncharismatic of all charismatics, where the reactionary/conservative part of me makes me cautious in the face of super spiritualism and chasing after the gifts whilst the charismatic part of me seeks a deeper experience of worship and a deeper sense of God's presence.
(As he succinctly puts it: I have seen the gifts used constructively, to build people up, the way they are intended to so I feel positively about them. You have seen them use carelessly and causing harm
so you are skeptical.)
So I remain within this pentecostal church that seems to have lost its roots and power, where bureaucracy seems to have overwhelmed its heart, praying for breakthrough in the worship life of the church, even as I yearn for breakthrough in mine. And in the same breath that I cry "more Lord, release Your spirit over us," I keep my eyes open, afraid to be blindsided by another broad generalisation that "if this doesn't happen for you, you don't have enough faith."

Which shatters me because I do, and yet I don't.

But back to the point about the church. I moved here almost 7 years ago now, and it seems like a very long time. I'd forgotten when I moved so I went back over my blog archives from 2007 - 2008, which I figured was the likely timeframe. I hadn't realised until I reread those posts how unsettled I felt back in the old church. How lost and miserable and uncertain I was. How freeing it was to start anew.

It's not as if I don't still have some of the same issues and hangups with the church now that I did with the previous one. I am, after all, still myself; having grown somewhat, but still imperfect. And yet despite my frustrations, I don't have that same kind of unsettled feeling, of overwhelming anger and bitterness.

I don't know if I like it. But it feels like home. 

In the fullness of time

There's this thing about the word "fullness". It sounds pregnant. It feels as if you're waiting. You're waiting for the stars to align; for a culmination of something - not just anything, but something significant. Something definitive.

And sometimes you think that it is time. You're ready. And yet, the time is not yet full; not yet ripe. You are ready, but you are not yet pregnant enough with the weight of expectancy, the thickness of glory or the heaviness of His heart that it can be birthed.

And if you do not wait until the fullness of time, your dream bears the risk of being stillborn. 

Is that why broken dreams abound in the church? Because we have tired of waiting on the Lord until it is His time, until it is the right time, but we hurry into things before we are ready and watch our efforts go to waste.

Sometimes we might be ready, but the people may not be. The conditions may not be. And there is wisdom in waiting.

Fullness.

The earth groans and waits for the coming of the Lord.
But He cannot come because we are not ready.
Our hearts must grow heavy with His burdens, our mouths must be filled with His cry.
For justice. For mercy. For love.
For goodness, kindness and peace.

And your heart must break, must yearn, for the coming of the King; for the righting of wrongs, for the lifting of heads.

And He fills your heart with His burden and His fullness.
Until the fullness of time and you are ready.
Then you are birthed [alive, victorious, redeemed, renewed!] in His glory.

Galatians 4:4-7 (ESV)
4 But when the fullness of time had come, God sent forth his Son, born of woman, born under the law, 5 to redeem those who were under the law, so that we might receive adoption as sons. 6 And because you are sons, God has sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, crying, “Abba! Father!” 7 So you are no longer a slave, but a son, and if a son, then an heir through God.

Semua harta di dalam dunia | All the treasures in the world
Semua tahta yang dapat tergapai | All the thrones that can be grasped
Takkan bisa menggantikan kasih Bapa | Cannot replace the Father's love

Semua karya yang t'lah terlukiskan | All the [artistic] works that have been drawn
Semua nada yang telah terdengar | All the melodies that have been heard
Takkan bisa menyaingi cintaMu | Cannot rival Your love

Sampai habis bumi berlalu | Until the world has passed away
Sampai siang malam menyatu | Until day and night become one
Kan kupuja dan kusembah Engkau Ya Bapaku | I will adore and worship You, my Father
Sampai namaMu ditinggikan | Until Your name is exalted
Di setiap hati dan bangsa | In every heart and nation
Kasih sayangMu dan setiaMu kan menyertaiku | Your love and faithfulness will [continue to] be with me

You are holy, holy
Holy is the Lord.

* I apologise for my crappy translating skills. 

Faith, fear and costs

I was thinking of not writing this, but then I decided that I should, if only so that I would remember.
I don't know where to begin.

---

The point is to not let your fear keep you from where faith wants to lead you. (Paraphrased from Pr Greg Devries.)
But that is where I live sometimes; camping out in past miracles, too afraid to move on to the next thing because I don't know where I'm going or what it will look like. Because I cannot yet (properly) split who I am from the things I do. And I am afraid of how spectacularly I will fail and how that will destroy me.
I don't know why I'm convinced I will fail. Probably because I don't have a workable plan.

And bang into my paranoid, kiasu (afraid to lose), kiasi (afraid to die), Asian heart came also this word that from eternity, God plants a seed in time - he sees a need on the earth and creates a person to deal with that problem/need... and takes into account your psychological need to plan, to think, to change your mind a gazillion times, to stress out about the future, to go crazy thinking of plan A and plan B and plan C and dither and then shrugs and goes "off you go now." (Super paraphrased from Pr Quoc).

It's freaky that when you finally go for prayer (because you've been subconsciously avoiding it for a while) the pastor quotes "Satan has asked to sift you like wheat" in his prayer and then goes on to pray for freedom from depression, which is what you've been denying for a while. Because you're not even sure what depression looks like. Because you're living just fine and everything is carrying on as usual.

And somewhere in the midst of this is where I come to the point of this post, which was really the culmination of the notes I wrote in church one Sunday:

Do not jump from security to security. It's okay to be insecure while you trust God. Because that's trust.

And along with that gem comes the feeling that the time is coming to say goodbye soon. Not to say that it will happen very immediately, or that I've figured out what's going to happen, but that the word positioning and timing are becoming very, very important and relevant, especially considering that I've been reworking the notes for Following Jesus in the Real World for Cley discussions. And that maybe if the goal is to make an impact in the arts in Penang, as you've prayed about, as you've written about and talked about, and moaned about, it might be time to count the cost and position yourself where you need to be. Even if it's a pay cut and an end to free trips to the US. Even if you don't know yet where that is going to be or what it's going to look like.

Because you need to live in the here and now. Because your heart cannot be divided across geographical space and your life cannot be divided over segmented time. Because your tenuous focus needs to be refined and refocused and not spread over a gazillion things at once, because frankly, you are a pretty horrible multitasker.
And your call, for now, is here until God says otherwise.

The dream sustains us through the process.

But your heart also needs to respond.
Be it unto me according to Your Word.