Sunday 22 June 2008


Maybe sometimes just the right word in the right season will do more good than a dozen naggings.
I am tired of telling myself to do all the right things, out of guilt and out of the feeling that I need to do something to make things change. I keep saying things and thinking things and having good resolutions that never move beyond resolve.

Thank you for gently probing and waiting for me to get those stumbling words out, because for all I need to speak, I don't know how to phrase things right. I don't know why I'm telling you things, but you're there, and I trust you. Some how.

So please keep pressing on, because I'm trying to stop falling and I can't do it alone.

Saturday 21 June 2008

hidden talents

I do think that there is a talent that only Christians possess - the ability to make a non-issue blow up into something hugely gigantic just by "trying to care".

But on talents, I think it is time to refocus on what I used to see as my main strength.
There are too many issues with the stage that I am too tired to work through, and have no time to think about. It is something I am too unsure about.

Thinking about it, the issue stems from overprotectiveness, and the tendency to not do something just because the world has made it something bad. How about how the church can make it something good?

Maybe it is also time to get away again. There is something about this place that makes me afraid to be all that I want to be. There is something about this place that makes me care too much about what other people think. The issue here is really not about what other people think, but about what I think other people will think.

Who the heck cares about what other people think when I think that it's something God wants me to do?

(But if it backfires, I still have to face their I-told-you-so's.)

Do you gather faith like poppies?
Maybe I should just make a stand and strike out where I want to.

I do not wish to be afraid.

Monday 16 June 2008


There are words that finally emerge from their obscurity from the process of talking (I need to do this more often, or rather, to do the right kind of talking more often).

Another issue I have with the church (that I'm supposedly in now) is the way they seem to make me a non-person. Until and unless they see me face to face.

To elaborate, a pet peeve of church (and also of my high school's CF) is the way they seem to assume that if they have told your mom / dad / sister / best friend / other friends, they have told you. I refuse to work under those conditions. If I am not valuable enough to you to have you tell me face-to-face - well, not even face-to-face, but at least through sms / mass e-mail
/ phone call, or at least something remotely personal - why should I bother to appear when you want me to, or do what you want me to?

I am not my mom / dad / sister / best friend / other person. I am me, and I don't have any telepathic abilities. I can't read their minds. Or yours.

I am tired of being a non-person who is only remembered via someone else (oh yeah, we must invite her sister too, right?), or by being actually physically in front of their faces (hey, I haven't seen you for quite a while huh...[but i was on msn, you know?])

Sunday 1 June 2008


I am springtime's waters
Flooding down your veins
Torrents of your past
Drowning all your pain

I am summer's dryness
Hot against your skin
Sucking up your life
Drying up your soul

I am autumn's wind
Harsh upon your body
Hard against the rocks
Breaking all you hold

I am winter's breath
Cold upon your fingers
Strong about your heart
Never let you go

I am all you wished you were
And all you hate to be
I am fey, unveiled, revealed
I was never meant to be.