Tuesday 13 June 2006


The other night I was about to sleep, and I had this really strange thought. About faithfulness. It goes something like this:

Being faithful doesn't necessarily mean that you love only one person. The test of faithfulness is when you are faced with the inclination of love for another, but choose not to pursue or entertain it because of the love you have declared and committed to with your spouse.

What does this mean? It means that because you have committed and declared your love to someone, you will stick to it, even though at times you may feel that you don't love him or her anymore (but you really do). And it is this faithfulness that will grow into a deeper love and trust over time.

I don't know how weird this may sound, but I do think that I want my spouse to be someone I'm so close and comfortable with that I can tell him that I think another guy is cute without him getting upset, or me feeling trashy. I don't want to mind being told by him that he things another girl is pretty, and I don't want to get jealous. The thing is, to get to that kind of state, there must have been some kind if trust or faithfulness test, where I will have the knowledge and certainty that even if I'm not the prettiest, I'm the one that he has chosen. The thing is, to get to that kind of state, you must really believe in that love. It's like in the book "The Age of Innocence" where May tells her son that they can trust Newland Archer, because he gave up what he wanted most (Madame Olenska) for his earlier love and declaration for May.

That is commitment. That is faithfulness. And that is true love.

Do you figure that faithfulness to God is not just that we love Him because He is the only way? But also that we love him more and choose to love Him over all the other passions and idols in our lives.

There can be no faithfulness if there has been no choice.

Sunday 4 June 2006


But what does it mean: to bless the heart of God?

What does it mean to bless someone?
To do what's nice for them. To give them something of yourself. To give them something out of the overflow of your heart. To give them something that they want.

How do you bless the heart of God?
By giving your all.
We need to realise that life really isn't about us. Yes, we were created specially by God for a purpose, but life, and the world, doesn't revolve around us. It revolves around God.

What is giving your all?
Giving your all is when you give the best of yourself, the best of your ability, no strings attached. You're not expecting anything in return. You're not twisting God's arm and saying, "Hey God, I'm doing this for you, so you better do something nice for me in return." No. You're being totally selfess here, saying, "God, this is all I have. And this is all I can do. I'm doing my best, and I hope you like it. I hope you can use it."

Sometimes I feel so negative when I hear what the fireBRANDs are doing now. We (older) youths start saying things like, "but why aren't they doing this and that? Can't they plan this and that?" I do think it's important to remember that yes, maybe that is the proper way to do it, maybe they are being a bit disorganised or overoptimistic and yet - it's their show now. The ball is in their court, our complaining and being negative isn't going to do anything to make it any better short of us stepping in and taking over.
And that is NOT what we want to do. That is NOT what they want either.

It may not be our best, but it may be their best.

I'm sorry, God. I'm being irritable and negative. I don't know if I'm just feeling "out of it" because I'm not in the leadership anymore. I don't know if I'm just feeling a little jealous.
I don't know their motives, I can't read the state of their hearts, and frankly God, I don't need to. I'm telling myself to shut up if I can't be supportive.
I do think that their hearts are true, no matter how haphazard their planning seems to be. I know that this perceived laxity is more to do with their 'culture' and most probably does not detract from their fervency for You.
God, I want to believe the best of them, even though I sometimes can't see the commitment, or the passion. Wanting to serve you doesn't automatically make them the best, or the most angelic!
Teach me to be able to advice without being pushy, to help without taking from their authority. At the same time... I don't want to ignore. I don't want to just close one eye to things that could and should be done better.
You have given the authority to them. Help me to work under that authority.

Thursday 1 June 2006

"here I am to worship"

Here I am to worship
Here I am to bow down
Here I am to say that
You're my God
You're altogether lovely
Altogether worthy
Altogether wonderful
To me
I can't sing this song without remembering her. Let's call her... L. I can't really remember her name anymore - I think I know it, but I might be mistaken, and I don't want to accidentally call her by someone else's name.

I didn't really know her. She came for camp once, and I could have met her once or twice after that, but that's all. I don't know if she's still alive. There's this thought in my head, that she might not be, but I don't know if it was just a silly thought, or a mixed up message, or whether it's true and I heard it somewhere.

L was having a "troubled" time. She was on crutches at camp. They said she was high on drugs and tried to commit suicide. Her mind was already a bit warped from the drugs. She was a rich kid. It was the first time that I ever heard that people in church could teach you to use drugs. But that's what I heard. Everything I know, or think I know, about her is hearsay. I don't know the truth.

All I can tell you about L from personal experience is this: walking back to my room at camp, and seeing her sit outside singing that chorus while waiting for her room leader to come with the key. I think we entered my room, and she sat down to wait, still singing that chorus.

She really loved the song.

Every time we sing that song now, I think of her, though I didn't really know her. It's beautiful to know that no matter how lost she may have been, or how far away from God at that point of time, she could still say, "hey, I may not be the best of Christians, and I know I messed up big time, but You're still my God, I'll still worship You, and you know what? You're still wonderful, even if my life isn't," through that song.

Muse: but what does it really mean, to "bless the heart of God"?