depressed

What is it about You that makes me want to run?
What is it about Your words that makes me afraid?
I don't want to know. I don't want to know. Idon'twannadon'twannadon'twannaknowknowknowknowknow
What don't I want to know?

I don't want to confront myself.
To see the ugliness I know hides inside.
All the things I should have, could have changed, but haven't.
All the things I should have, could have done, but haven't.

I identify with Moses. I'm frustrated.
I don't know if I'm in the right place, with the right people, at the right time. All I see is the low level of commitment, the idiocy of the people and their irresponsibility.
Kill me, I'm being judgemental. But I can't stand it, and I don't want to care anymore.

Can't I not care any more?
Can't I not feel hurt?
Why do I have to bother to try and gather to let them just... just... ignore me?
Why is this important to me? The church has survived without it for this long, it can go on surviving without it for much longer. It's not like they care, it's not like they want it.

Am I pushing my own agenda onto the Church?

Am I moving too fast in all the wrong places?
Am I even in the right place?

questions

Why all the knee-jerk reaction and back lash? What are you still trying to deny or avoid?
Where once there was surety and certainty, you have let your doubts and anxieties seep through to colour your lenses. Think again: is it God, or is it you?
Are you trying to run again, where you've always scattered and fallen?
Or will you pick yourself up, steel your nerves and carry on?
Like the bulldozer you are. And your father before you.
To push through.
To break through.

the church

The question is: is it fundamentally a problem with ME, or a problem with the church?

Does everyone, at one point or another, feel that church just isn’t the be-all and end-all of Christian life? What happens if you decide to leave the church? Or change churches?

I’ve come to a realisation that I actually do not have anything much to tie me to the church I’m in. I have friends, yes. I have acquaintances. I am involved, certainly. The thing is, I don’t know if it’s a fundamentally “me” problem, or if it’s a problem with the church, that causes me not to really bond or belong. It struck me on Sunday that I could just decide to leave, and not feel any emotional pangs or attachment to where I’ve been all these years. What happened?

The people I’ve grown up with have either moved away (permanently or temporarily) or our friendships have drifted apart somewhat. Then again, we never really had that close a friendship in the first place.

The one main bond I had that identified me strongly with the church I’m in was the fact that I was a PK – one of THE PKs. But now all that’s changed – or rather, is in the state of changing.

And there it is again. That thought. I could now, just leave silently, quietly, disappear. And I doubt I’d feel a thing. They may feel it, for a while. But then it would be nothing personal. It wouldn’t be the loss of a close friend, or a close working relationship. It would be just one less singer. One less worship leader. One less actor for a church that doesn’t do drama anyway.

I might have been sad about leaving the CAM, but it’s barely started anyway. There’s no fire. There are no passionate people. It feels like a one woman show. Just me, attempting again, where I once failed. And it may be a bad way to try to start something, but despite the hope and the passion, I have doubts that it will amount to much. I have doubts as to whether the church wants what I have to offer. I have doubts as to whether the people in the church care about what I’m trying to do.

It may really be a problem with me. I don’t fit in. I don’t stand out either. Nobody remembers those who don’t fit. And nobody remembers those who don’t stand out. To a certain extent, I have never really fit into any of the churches I’ve been in. Then again, where I have really belonged has been the CF. They have been a company of peers who have accepted, and made do, and pushed along.

He says not to forsake the company of the saints and the gathering together. Does it make a difference where you gather? It could be in this church, or another.

Would it seriously make a difference if I went or stayed?

The only holding me back right now is, as always, the responsibilities I have taken upon myself for the things I have committed to do.

But how long can mere responsibility tie me to a place I don’t really feel a part of?