Saturday 9 October 2010

of worth

"Do I have worth?" asked Nutt.
"Yes, Nutt, you do."
"Thank you," said Nutt, "but I am learning that worth is something that must be continuously accumulated. You asked me to be becoming. Have I become?"
"Yes, Nutt, you have become."

~excerpt from the Unseen Academicals by Terry Pratchett
What makes one worthy? Is it something continuously accumulated? Is it something that has to be worked at and slogged over before it can be maintained? What happens then when things fall through?

Do we need a back-up plan for our dreams so that, as Glenda says to Juliet, "you'd know that if it all goes pear-shaped you could always make it pie-shaped"?

"Do I have worth?" Nutt asks often, and it's a question that I ask most days. Will I still have worth when I miss that deadline, or forget an accounting standard? Will I still have worth if I forget the words or miss the beat in the song? Will I still have worth if my writings get rejected? Will I still have worth if everyone goes for lunch without me?

Traditionally, this post should have ended with a happy-clappy "but I know where my true worth lies... it lies with Jesus!" But for the most part, that would have been the most false and hypocritical ending I have ever written. I know we've had endless countless seminars and sermons about self-worth and security and how it can only be found in Jesus and I know that. It isn't anything new.

The fact remains that there are nights when "It doesn't matter because Jesus loves me anyway" doesn't ring true because it does matter to me. It matters very much that in my mid-twenties I am more alone than I thought I would be when I was in high school. The lofty ideas of meeting a great guy and having a great relationship and the wistful dreams of having a close-knit party of friends where I am never the odd-ball, the outsider, the unwanted tag-along has remained just that - lofty ideas and wistful dreams. For the most part, I'm probably to blame because I'm just as introverted and prickly as ever.

Worth. Do I have worth? Yes I do. I know I do. It's just sometimes hard to believe it.


  1. Not alone on this. Just not thinking of it all that often. Hahaha.

  2. Loneliness is not a time of abandonment ... it just feels that way. It's actually a time of encounter at new levels with the only One who can fill that empty place in our hearts

    Loneliness need not be an enemy ... it can be a friend

    Loneliness need not be an interruption in our lives ... it can be a gift

    Loneliness need not be an obstacle ... it can be an invitation

    Loneliness need not be a problem ... it can be an opportunity

    Loneliness need not be a dead end ... it can be an adventure!

    And in the pain of loneliness He says,
    " You are my child in whom I am well pleased. Now I'm going to lead you through the desert so that you can taste Me, touch Me, hear Me in new ways"

    ( Tim Hansel, "Dancin Toward The Dawn )