members

Class 101 is on August 24th.
But I don't know if I am ready for membership.
I don't know if I am ready for commitment.
I know God believes in second chances and clean slates, but sometimes I think I don't. I think that the weight of my failures and failings, the mess of my past and my thoughts somehow always catch up with me just when I think things are going to be different.
Why?
Maybe because I haven't come to a point where I know for sure that things will be okay no matter what. Maybe because I am still stuck at a stage where I scream at God when things don't work out the way I expected them to be, because I believed that He would take care of it.
Maybe I am screaming so much at God, that He just needs to take a step back and wait for me to grow hoarse before I will shut up and listen.
It's like I'm asking Him, what more do you want? and I know the answer is going to be everything, but I don't want to accept that.
So maybe the real issue is Lordship.
And maybe the other issue is that suddenly I am not very sure if I have heard right from God. What if what I thought was right, was really wrong?