dreams

So I said that I didn't really have any dreams, that I've decided not to think so far into the future. And maybe it's true, or maybe it's not.

Or maybe I deny myself the dreams that I dream because everything I have ever hoped and dreamed for has been buried and crushed and shattered. Maybe there are too many hurts that I cannot overcome, or hurdles that I cannot force myself to face. Maybe I am not good enough, talented enough or persistent enough to see what I dreamed of come true.

Or maybe I have too many dreams, too many things riding along in my head and heart that I don't know which to pursue, or how to go about it. Maybe I have too much wealth of ambition and desires that I cannot grasp all and so I do not grasp anything at all, like the greedy monkey who was trapped because he would not let go of the treasures he grasped in the bottle.

And so I withdraw into my shell and hide, and tell myself that if my motivations are not right, I do not want to do anything that would put me in a situation that would expose the depth and height and width of pride and hypocrisy that I see in myself every day. So maybe I am proud in my abstinence, just as I feared that I would be proud in my participation.

And so maybe, just maybe, I am just thinking too hard again, trying to squeeze out motivations that are or are not there, trying to track down if I glory in myself or if I glory in God, forgetting once again, that when we glorify God, God himself is our glory.