Saturday 3 January 2009


I wonder why my greatest successes bring me as much embarrassment as my greatest failures. Am I afraid of success? Or am I just afraid of anything at all that will make me different from everyone else, even whilst striving to show that difference, that excellence, just to be noticed?

What is it that drives me to be alone, and yet makes me despise the isolation that I willingly place myself in?

What is it that drives me to seek praise so desperately and yet makes me ashamed, unwilling and embarrassed to receive that praise?

Maybe my biggest success is my biggest failure, because I know deep down that I have missed it. That I'm still seeking my own vainglory, no matter how much I tell God it's really for Him.

And maybe even in doing this I am glorying in my own words.

Give us clean hands, give us pure hearts, let us not lift our souls to another.

You search me. You cleanse me.

I can't.

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