trajectory

I don't have to hear it, if I don't want to
I can drown this out, pull the curtains down on you
It's a heavy world, it's too much for me to care
If I close my eyes, it's not there

[Headphones | Jars of Clay]

Things have a way of building up, sometimes. A culmination of things ignored, things hoped for, things forgotten, things built up coming to naught. There is always the dream, always out of reach, like a phantom slipping through tired, buttery fingers. Where do you draw the line and say this is it, "I can'ts take it no more" and fight for what you truly desire?

I've said things before that I sincerely believed in. The problem is, now I'm not so sure. Back in October 2009, after the iBridge camp, I said with all sincerity,

Say as much as I wish, there is a locality to my dreams. Yes, I want to build a drama team. But I want to build it here, in Penang. Yes, I want to be a part of a larger vision in the GCF. But I want that to be here, in Penang. I don’t want to always be wishing to be elsewhere.
I guess in the end, a substantial part of my dream is for my dreams to be present here.

At times I don’t believe in it. It hurts when people say, so why don’t you move there? Why don’t you go to such and such a place to study/work? I do want to. But if I go, who will build here?
And if this is my sacrifice for now, so be it.

And I believed it, but there was always that war inside, the voice that said why not go and the voice that protested, but you should stay. And now the internal voice asks again, 'yes, your dream may be to build here, but does that dream say it is to build now?' What's to say that I should not go now and come back later? And yet if you had said that to me four years ago, I would have said no; I need to be back there, back in Penang.

Yesterday, we had a GCF Chinese New Year meet up and during the ice-breaker, we shared where we were from and where we were currently located. I realised that a lot of Penangites are extremely proud of of their island (i.e. I was born in Penang, raised in Penang, living / working in Penang) and I realise that I don't really share that. I don't know why. And it comes to this thought: am I only here (and saying that I need to be here) because I was not ready to leave? Forgive the mixed tenses; the division between past and present is still fuzzy.

I wasted another year, waiting for the words

For things to be more clear

[Forgive me | Jars of Clay]

Maybe it boils down to timing. I have been here because despite my desires, I was not ready to leave. And maybe now I wish to leave, because I am ready. Does that make sense; inasmuch as anything in this life makes sense?

There's been an increasing sense of wasting the years, as if there should be more that can and should be done; as if I am waiting for something to materialise that just won't. Things that I said I should be doing always seems to fall flat again and again. I don't know if it's because I am in the wrong place, or the wrong time, or I'm doing the wrong thing - I could be missing the point totally. The thing is that I don't know.

Nothing is clear enough, but I doubt that it will ever be. And if I keep on waiting for it to be defined, I may be stuck here forever.

Does it have to start with a broken heart

Broken dreams and bleeding parts

We were young and world was clear

But young ambition disappears

I swore it would never come to this

The average, the obvious

[Burn Out Bright | Switchfoot]

I don't know where this next year will take me; whether I will stay or I will leave. Right now, I've given up knowing. Spiritual spins can be put on it both ways - either the Devil is distracting me or God is revealing His plans - so I'll not bother with those. I think I'm becoming increasingly disillusioned with know-it-all statements that "God Has Spoken" and taking events / conversations / happenings as "Signs From God." It's all in the interpretation anyway.

But right now, there are two options open.

One, a highway to dreams, if I take it, though I have no comfort in knowing if the dreams will be fulfilled. Yet it's these castles that capture me, the visions of a life I can build in kayell: A (hopefully) lightweight job. Time to write. Performing arts. Dance classes. Friends. Recreating a life of my own.

Two, to press on here again and again, with no comfort that any of the things I want to do will ever come to pass.

Would you blame me for wanting to leave?

If we've only got one try

If we've only got one life

If time was never on our side

Then before I die

I want to burn out bright

[Burn Out Bright | Switchfoot]