2007 hasn't exactly turned out as I wished. It's as if the year has rolled past so fast that I haven't been able to sit down and take a breath.
It started off well enough, I suppose, with a big dream, and an excitement for things to come. But I suppose reality caught up somewhere in between working and writing and trying to kick start CAM. Life and busyness caught up and slammed doors shut. I had this random line in my head while driving yesterday:
Dreams not shattered, merely shelved
Which is true. My dreams haven't shattered. They haven't scattered or broken into pieces. It's not as if it's been spectacularly dashed, and can't be repaired. It's more like the dreams have been wrapped in gauzy paper and placed lovingly, caringly on the highest shelf in the highest cupboard, like a prize trophy.
Either that, or it's merely been slowly buried under layers and layers of depression and hopelessness.
Still intact, but not quite there. Not quite accessible.
I don't know what I was expecting. Did I think that everything would be peachy and work out straight away? No, I didn't. But it's just piled up. And drifted. Like putting a pea in the middle of the road, and then the snow just slowly covers it. Nothing dramatic. Just little by little, it's being buried.
But seeds need to be buried to grow. I hope. I don't know. I just don't want it to end here, on this note. Something needs to change.
Fundamentally, I need to do something about my life.
To be painfully honest, I'm drifting. I'm unfocused. Life is passing by. I still can't believe it's already December and I haven't done anything really worthwhile. I have said a lot of things. But saying isn't doing and things don't get done by themselves. Am I being overly emphatic on doing?
To be even more painfully honest, I don't know who or what I am! I have a vague idea of where I want to go, but no clue as to how to get there. Certain "givens" and "foundations" have been shaken and I find myself wondering, now what?
So now what?
Learning to simply BE. I need to BE without DOING. It may help with the guilt trip and the depression. It may really help to simply understand and hold on to the fact that God loves me anyway. Even when I feel that everything I have tried to do has failed. Or that everything I have ever wanted to do is totally pointless.
I mean, when it really comes down to it, what's the point of all this singing and acting and dancing? It's not as if no one else can sing and act and dance. It's not as if no one else can put on a bloody good show. It's not as if I can or know how to do any of this better than any one else in the world. (I probably know less)
It's just that... maybe one song in the right place, or one play at the right time, or one dance to the right words may touch someone in a way that nothing else can, and open a door to a heart that's run dry. And maybe, that will be the way for Love to rush in.
I don't think I've quite figured out my faith and belief just yet. I know I believe, don't worry about that. It's just that I don't quite know how. I don't know how to define it, and that bugs me. It bugs me because I can't put it into words, and it's words that hold me together most times.
Sometimes I'm afraid to share because I don't know how to tell you what I believe without thinking that the moment it comes out of my mouth it will sound silly and absurd. There are so many things I'm still mucking about with that if you ask me, I'll just have to tell you that I seriously don't know. Maybe if I can pluck up the courage, I'll write it down. I'll write it down so hard and assuredly that you'll just know and I'll just believe.
But for now.
It's been a year of moderate highs and very deep lows.
I'll just need to climb out of this one soon.