Work willingly at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people.
I don’t like this feeling. I don’t like that I know I’m not giving my 100% but on the other hand, I find that I can’t care anymore. Maybe I’ve been here just a little too long, or maybe it’s the fact that the longer you stay, the more you understand the idea that anything you hoped would change isn’t going to change. Maybe the real world is just getting a little too much for me. (Hah, what say you, O GCF leader, konon?)
I've hit the level of my mediocrity. Gone long past it, really. And the problem is that my heart isn’t in it. If my heart were still there, I’d still be pushing on, trying harder. But I’d rather be doing something else. This shouldn't be so, but it is. Or maybe it should be so because it is. Maybe all this has only been my holding pattern because I have been too afraid to move. Too afraid to decide. Too afraid of what people would say.
The fact remains that I was afraid of this. I was afraid of being sucked into a hole of waiting, and biding my time. I was afraid of becoming complacent. Because as much as I hate change, I have come to realise that I fear complacency more - no, it’s not complacency, it’s that sense of being here but not being here. It’s that sense of waiting for something else, but not knowing what it is, and not being able to know because you haven’t moved towards it yet, because you haven’t had the time to really think about it, because you are too busy here even if you don’t want to be. It’s that inability to be in the moment because your mind has gone somewhere else, like an absent-minded professor.
And it’s not good for the things I am doing now, and the things I should be doing now, because I cannot concentrate fully on one or the other and I find myself merely counting down the months. I should not stay, and yet I must, because it is not yet the set time. And yet, who set the time?
How do you work around that? How do you live as you meant to do, when it has all become a lie? How do you set that standard and say I am working for the Lord now, even though you feel that you were meant to be somewhere else?
How do you carry on carrying on when you know that all you are doing is biding your time?