We are too abrasive together and not in a good way. Not in the way where we fight and we argue and then we see sense and then we make up. Not in the way where we are frenemies and hate each other but cling to each other because we know fundamentally that we are on the same side, heading the same way.
You poke and I flare and words fly and nothing gets resolved. There is too much anger and too much hurt. There is too much frustration. All on my side, I know. Because this is my fault and I am a horrible person. I am immature, I know. I cannot control the suspicions I have against you and I hold you at arms length because I do not trust you and I do not trust what you do or what you say. I find it difficult to work with you or to follow your lead because I do not see that you are leading. You are bullying. You turn every conversation towards you, even when you are supposed to be building us and edifying us. I do not see how you are growing us. Maybe it's my fault. I am already prejudiced against you.
You said God put you there.
I know I am not meant to do this.
So no matter how much you say you need me to take this up, I will not. I cannot. I will not push aside my calling again to serve yours. I will not misalign my focus for you. If this is a limb I need to cut off, I will.
I will bear this burden of irresponsibility if I must. I have said too much and overstepped my bounds and been deemed too harsh because I have cared too much and care, for me, equates to responsibility. This means protecting my people, not burdening them. To give them fair and equal voice, fair and equal choice, not to be summarily told what to do in that bullying way of yours. But I cannot hold so many threads together and I do not have the capacity to care so much, not if it includes you in the picture.
This is not my burden to carry. This is not my responsibility to shoulder.
I need to remove myself from this toxic situation, so this is where it ends.
Or rather, this is where it does not begin.