Back in I don’t know when (I could check, but I’m too lazy), I started a novel project called Absolution. And then I finished it, and rewrote it, and pitched it … and it got rejected a few times so I’m thinking of doing a rewrite. I also have a bunch of notes from the last beta read that I’m still pondering over, but there is still a version of it out on submission, so I haven’t started the rewrite project yet.
ANYWAY, all this is background to this year’s camp nano project.
This year’s project is a rewrite of last year’s failed nanowrimo project because I had a theme and a concept then, but I was trying to ground it in reality AND IT JUST WOULDN’T WORK. (But I got an 11K day out of it so I’m good.) Late November I was thinking it over a bit more, and then it clicked. This concept would work if it were written in the same world as Absolution. AND it might even be the story before Absolution. So wait, now Absolution might be a book 2 instead of a book 1!
And because I had a lot of free time (my brain was just being a little hyperactive and procrastinating on doing everything else), I then had this BRILLIANT TRILOGY IDEA. (Maybe brilliant? I dunno. Let’s pretend it is for now until the next bout of self-loathing begins.
Book 1: The Weight of Secrets (also known as Secretkeeper, which is this year’s campnano project; focused around Impian)
Book 2: The Weight of Sin (also known as Absolution, because I like themes; focused around Suci, or the journey to Suci)
Book 3: The Weight of Strength (I have no idea what this is yet, except that it should be focused around Maha, which is the third state in my Trikingdom. I also don't know when in the timeline it should be yet. Lol)
At any rate, since this post is supposed to be about Absolution, here’s a snippet:
The thing is, sayang, there is no such thing as absolution. You just walk your path with faith and pray that it is enough. There, I have said it. Let there be no illusions between us. You search for absolution like I yearn for closure. Neither of us will find our hearts’ desire in this lifetime. Such things are not for the likes of us, murderers and slaves. Listen to Magda, child, and lessen your heartache.
Let me lay it out for you right at the start before I ramble and forget what it is that needs to be said. You will search, but you will not find. You will yearn, but you will not be fulfilled. What use does God have for us? We are dust in the desert, water in the ocean. One out of too many supplicants. Insignificant. Why should He grant you absolution? What penance can you perform in return?
We have left on a pilgrimage, but are we true pilgrims? We go because we have no choice. You would protest that you do. That you are not a slave like me. You could have declined, refused the journey, but would you have done so? You are as much a slave to your guilt as I am to my mistress. Your physical freedom to decline is worth nothing in the light of your spiritual need to go. This pilgrimage is a selfish one, begun in pride. It can only end in ruin. I pray you will find something good out of the wreckage to come. Maybe your purity—both in name and in spirit—will preserve you. God knows the rest of us do not deserve it.
You think I am devout, that I hold the secrets to reaching God. I do not. I have believed and I have doubted. I have prayed and I have railed against. He is who He is, unreachable. Unattainable. Magda will cease to exist. Yet, we are children of God. How do I explain this? How do I reconcile this? I do not. There is no point in trying to know the unknowable. My mind and my heart do not need to believe the same things. Is that not what pure faith is? (Maybe it is pure foolishness.)
But let me return to what drives you most. Sayang, no matter how many times you lay your hand on a goat and will your sin onto it, your guilt will remain until you find your own peace with God. The goat is not magical; it is an escape for those who wish to delude themselves. The animal cannot hold your sin, cannot take it. It makes no difference if you offer your sacrifice in the holy city of Suci or back home in Impian. If you believe God is all-seeing, you would know that location and distance is nothing to Him. But maybe it will assuage your heart, if nothing else.
See you tomorrow for B! I don't know what it will be yet! :)
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