Sunday, 27 August 2006

depressed post.

It has not been a very good day today.
I think I'm having PMS and I'm feeling depressed.

Dad prayed for Judson today, saying there was an anointing on his life. He'd talked about Pin and how he has a tremendous anointing for worship. I don't know why I was jealous. I don't know why I am.

It's just that there are so many things that I think I should be that I am not. There are so many things that I think I should do that I don't. There are so many things that I want to do but never do. I want to be anointed for the ministry, but I don't have enough passion. I cannot create passion.
There is a depth I seem to aspire for in my heart, in my dreams, in my mind. In my thoughts I should be there. I should have sustained it from before, I should have gone on higher and deeper. But I haven't. There's been a failure on my part to continue on, to continue pressing on.

I feel like the little duckling in Lilo and Stitch. You know the little cartoon pic that Stitch looks at and then goes into the jungle to see if he can find his family? That little duckling with a tear in his eye crying out "I'm lost!"

I feel sidelined by the church and by the leaders and by the people but I know that I have done nothing yet to be worthy of praise, I have not shown commitment or passion to take up seriously what I said I would do. It's just little me, doing little me-things, trying to fit in. Again. And so I feel underappreciated when I really haven't done anything to be appreciated for.

And in all this, I know I've lost the main focus who should be Jesus. I know I'm majoring on the minors, and feeling hurt for no apparent good reason. But it's so hard to fix your eyes on something you cannot see. It's so hard to fix your eyes on something that you feel has passed you by, yet again.

I read the first two chapters of Drawing Near by John Bevere, and I think it was chapter one that says that sometimes, like the disciples in the boat, Jesus walks as if to pass us by. But the disciples called out to Him, and and He stopped - and Peter walked on water. I feel as if Jesus was walked by and I have wanted to call Him, but I have missed the chance. Again.

I really don't know why, but I've always felt that somehow, God has passed me by. I feel as if He's gone "Oh, Deborah - good! Anna - hmm... well, maybe. David - wonderful! Joshua - brilliant!"
I know it's not true. But it's how I feel all the same.

Dear God, just love on me today.

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