Sunday, 12 October 2008

by the fireplace: life. passion. dilemma

Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails.
Proverbs 19:21

To summarize life at the moment, the perfect word would be “restless”. It’s as if I’m tired – of what exactly, I can’t tell you. Yet the feeling is there, that there has to be something more than this endless life cycle of work, sleep, work, sleep and weekend.
It’s not as if I’m struggling at work. Work is good – I got my promotion and I’m getting through the why am I so stupid now phase while I adjust to the new responsibilities and expectations. In fact, leaving my job now, just when everything is going right, would be downright stupid. So why do I feel as if I need to break out somewhere? Why do I feel as if I’m fed-up?
Church wise, I’m a little stuck. I don’t know if I should go forward, go backward, or stay where I am, if that makes sense. I had felt it was time to move on from here, but I didn’t know if I should go back or keep searching. And then suddenly I find myself in a position where it is desirable to stay. As if something is finally beckoning me, and I am finally being built in. And yet, I don’t know if it’s strong enough.
On the other hand, places and faces are beckoning and there is always that feeling that anywhere is better than here. Funny, that I who felt so strongly that I should come back to Penang am currently feeling the strongest urge ever to leave it. To run away. To fly, and never look back.

The thing is, I know my passion. I want to write. Dance. Sing. Act. I don’t know that I have anything else that I want to do. And yet, it is too many. I don’t know whether I can do all, or if I have to choose some. And even then, I don’t know if my passion is strong enough to bring me through, or if I have talent enough to sustain me.

And that is it. I don’t know what I want and I don’t know how to get it. How can I get it if I don’t know what it is?
And in the end, what I really want is to make what I have count for God, and yet, I don’t know how when I’m not even actually doing anything. Sometimes, it’s as if people’s testimonies seem so easy. They knew what God was saying and they went for it. Sometimes I don’t think I know what God is saying. And everything is like a blur. It could be this, or it could be that, but I don’t know. I just don’t.

So we lash out at God, when we are the ones who are not listening
I’m trying to put a positive spin on this, I am. I don’t like to end a fireplace on a negative note.
But sometimes, to be honest, you can’t give people what they are expecting, and that is something I am dealing with right now. I am dealing with the fact that so many of the things that I want to do or think I should do, and even the things that I don’t do, or hide, is due to the reality that I have grown up with a mindset of always thinking of other people first. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, but to always have in your mind “but what will so-and-so say” when deciding the next course of action is not a very good thing either.
And so maybe that is the first step in solving all this life, passion, dilemma storm: to stop worrying about what other church members, miscellaneous friends or so-and-so’s will say, but to hang the inhibitions and go for it.

I mean, I may not have the exact right next step, but at least it’s a start?

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