whys

Why can't I see things the way you see it?
Why do I have to be all negative and despondent and harsh?
Why am I always so hard and afraid?
Why can't I just do what I think I should do?
Why can't I just make up my mind?
Why does it feel that every decision I'm making is the wrong one?
Why do I bother so much about what others say?
Why can't everyone else just shut up?
Why can't I sort out between feelings and God?
Why am I so worried about what you say?

angst

"But how long can mere responsibility tie me to a place I don’t really feel a part of?"

Dear God,
Are you there?
I thought I knew what you were saying, but I don't know anymore.
So many times I thought... that this was it. This was right. This would work.
But I'm still here, again.
I thought coming back was right. I thought starting CAM was right. I thought I was ready to take flight.
I was wrong.
I thought I could stay. I thought I could finally build. I thought that maybe, this time, something new and beautiful would emerge.
I was wrong.
I thought leaving was right. I thought that if I could only see things from a new perspective, things would be different.
I don't know.
I don't know what you're saying anymore, because there are so many voices crowding me. There are so many past decisions that made sense, that sounded right, that felt right, but now in the light of newer decisions, are clashing together.
And bringing them all together now, I don't know which is right and which is wrong. To go or to stay. To dig and build, or to find a new home.
Maybe the right decision is to just let all of this force me out into going somewhere new, and somewhere fresh, where all the old voices and patterns won't force me back into the shell that I've built around my heart.
I was so sure that I was to be here. Now. Then I was so sure that I was to leave. Now.
All I can say at this moment in time is, I don't know anymore. The voices won't rest, and my heart won't feel.
Maybe that's why I turn up the music, so I won't think. So that I won't hear anything past the blast of sound.
But maybe that's why I'm not hearing you either. Because I won't allow myself to.
I don't know, God.
I can't hear you.
And I don't know if I'm trying all that hard to anymore.
Let me go, but don't.

Find me. Please.

thoughts

[I don't know how right this is, but it's been fermenting for a while.]

Christianity is not overt. It does not push itself in your face and exert its spirituality.
Christianity is not covert. It does not hide itself behind the curtains or switch itself off in embarrassment.

Christianity is. It's just there, if you choose to see it. Or not there, if you choose not to.

Because everything is an interpretation, but which is the true one?

---

Modern worship songs are too egocentric. They focus on "I". "I will worship", "I will come", "I live for you". They are difficult songs to sing, if you happen to be facing a low in your spiritual life. And so many people lie every Sunday, singing an "I will / I love you" song to God that they don't mean. Or they think they mean.

Maybe that's why I sometimes prefer hymns that focus on who God is. So even if you're feeling terrible, you can know that the words you're singing are true.

of two minds

somewhere along the lines of:

who am i, 23 and it's all a lie
thought i knew who i was
i thought that You were here with me
but this darkness is breaking everything in me
and these infinite questions have shattered all the peace

but i won't question in the dark
what is true out in the light
i will follow after you
through the sun and through the night

cause You've got me right where You want me
yeah, You've got me right where I need to be
yeah, and i'm standing amazed

where did it go, 33 and it's gone so fast
thought i knew who i was
i thought that You were leading me
but this depression is crashing in on me
and i'm not the half the man i hoped i'd be

but i won't question in the dark
what is true out in the light
i will follow after you
through the storm and through the fight

cause You've got me right where You want me
yeah, You've got me right where I need to be
yeah, and i'm standing amazed
Amazed/Jason Roy/Building 429

leading up to:

come like You promised You would
i want to surrender for good
i know that i need You and i don't
want to keep living life alone
so take this heart and make it new
make it true make it like You
take my hands i lift them high
they're yours not mine to do

do what You will
do what You will
do what You will

i feel like a blind man in Your sight
i know that i'm wicked in Your eyes
so wash me and make me shine like Your
Son, i want to tell everyone that
You're the only one

i'm ready now, i'm ready now
i'm ready now, do what You will
i'm ready now
i'm ready now
i'm ready now
Ready Now/Jared Anderson/Desperation Band

But it's not quite there yet.

Sunday writings

Follow Him, they said to me
And pointed down the road
I set my feet to follow them
With my heavy load
Far ahead, through misty ways
Lost sight of what was true
Called aloud in hopes that they
Would lead me back to You
Resounding back I thought I heard
A whisper in the night
But around the bend a fork reared
Its head to my sight
To the right they called to follow
Where they went and where they stayed
But the other path still draws me
And what I thought I heard You say
Now I don't know how to find You
And I don't know who You are
I don't know what You're saying
Through the babble from afar
I can't say that I do love You
I've too cold and closed a heart
And all I am is fragile
All I am is crumbling apart

---

When is it right to revisit past decisions?

---

And resounding again: am I too cold?