Where'd you go?I don’t know how he let go.
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.
It gratifies me that he calls me mom, but sometimes, I keep seeing him as Matthew. It’s not fair for him. I know that. But I can’t help it.
I merge memories sometimes, enjoying the present with him, but remembering Matthew as a child, remembering his precociousness, his presence, and wanting to share it with him. But he is not Matthew. He will never be Matthew, and I know that.
But I don’t. I can’t. I keep holding on to the past.
I love Daniel, I do. He’s more of a son to me that Matthew ever was. He makes me proud. And I love him I do. But I can’t love him fully. I can’t love him enough because I keep remembering Matthew.
Why can’t I let go?