Where'd you go?I don’t know how he let go.
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.
Fort Minor
It gratifies me that he calls me mom, but sometimes, I keep seeing him as Matthew. It’s not fair for him. I know that. But I can’t help it.
I merge memories sometimes, enjoying the present with him, but remembering Matthew as a child, remembering his precociousness, his presence, and wanting to share it with him. But he is not Matthew. He will never be Matthew, and I know that.
But I don’t. I can’t. I keep holding on to the past.
I love Daniel, I do. He’s more of a son to me that Matthew ever was. He makes me proud. And I love him I do. But I can’t love him fully. I can’t love him enough because I keep remembering Matthew.
Why can’t I let go?
wow.how disturbing. its leaves you deeply perturbed and the fact is that this probably happens mor often than we think when a mother loses one child. the one left behind pays.
ReplyDeleteAnna are you aware you have that terrible word verification thing.
Thanks for letting me know about the word verification, Wendy.
ReplyDeleteHow do you turn off using the new blogger dashboard? There doesn't seem to be an option anywhere...
Well done Anna. Like Wendy says I'm sure many have gone through similar feelings.
ReplyDelete