Sunday, 5 February 2012

fireplace: Dissatisfied contentment

For the Word that God speaks is alive and full of power [making it active, operative, energising, and effective]; it is sharper than any two-edged sword, penetrating to the dividing line of the [a]breath of life (soul) and [the immortal] spirit, and of joints and marrow [of the deepest parts of our nature], exposing and sifting and analysing and judging the very thoughts and purposes of the heart.
Hebrews 4:12 (AMP)
Paul is dissatisfied, not complacent, always moving forward, yet he experiences deep contentment. This dissatisfaction is not a restlessness of spirit, of a person moping about wondering what his life is for. This dissatisfaction is one of motion: he moves forward out of deep inner motivation to draw ever nearer to his Lord Jesus, but the abiding emotion is joy.
…We experience a “satisfied discontent,” a complacency of spirit that leads to inertia and stagnation, coupled with an inability to experience joy or deep contentment. We are not dissatisfied enough to press on toward the goal, but we are not content with our lot either.
Following Jesus in the “Real World” (Richard Lamb)

There are days when I find myself in a strange place. There’s so much more to push on for, so much more to yearn for, so much more to grab at, and yet at the same time there’s this voice that says, are you pushing on, yearning for, grabbing at only for yourself? Or is this something deeper?

Maybe I get a little too introspective sometimes. I tend to over-analyse my thoughts, over-think my actions, wondering if what I’m doing is really for God, or really for myself. Nobody else I know seems to have hang-ups about this.

I’m restless. I admit this. I’ve admitted this many times. I’ve said many times that it’s time to move on, it’s time to go. But at the same time, there’s this sense that I don’t know if the time is right yet. There’s no clarity of what’s next. Wait - let me redefine that. I know what’s next. There’s just no clarity in how that “what’s next” is going to come about. What does it look like? What is its form?

I want to be a writer, yes. But why do I want to write? Is it only for the sheer joy of words? Yes, it sometimes is. Is it for the fame and notoriety of having my words in print? Yes, truthfully it is. For all the fun I have in writing, what’s the point if no one reads it? Is it to glorify God? Truthfully, this is the one question that sometimes gets crowded out of the equation.

Yesterday, Pastor Isaac said to not do anything until you are sure. But this begs the question, when are you ever sure? What if it’s your own inertia, your own distrustfulness and over-thinking that is making you hold back?

Backtracking over the many times I’ve said this (and the end of last) year that it’s about time to leave, I’ve told myself before that when I do leave, I will leave in a place of victory. I will not leave in a position of defeat, or where I am doing less than I am able. This is not where I am now, and to leave now would be a capitulation to the stresses of my job. I admit I have been distracted by the many things I want to do, but it’s up to me to find that balance again, and for God to make a way.

Depending who I talk to, I’m mainly content right now, but still dissatisfied, still wanting more. And yet at the same time, I’m also satisfied in my dissatisfaction, as if where I am, this limbo I feel, is alright by me. But it shouldn’t be. It’s a difficult balance to find, this strange tension, where you can truly say I am joyful in the Lord, and still know that there is more to be had.


Sorry for the lack of posts in the recent week. I have been caught up at work (boo).
A few book reviews will hopefully be up this week and next, as well as updates on the script! =)