We were having a discussion on why Jesus died. One of the questions went: but why did he have to die?
I think the predominant answer was, because He wanted to forgive; because of love. He wanted to demonstrate love.
But couldn't he have done it some other way?
Funny thing is, it was brought to "no greater love than this, than for man to lay down his life for a friend."
While yes, true, Jesus had to die because He loved us and wanted us to go back to God, that isn't the whole part of the story. If it were, He could have loved us in any other way and forgiven us in any other way.
We were also asked what the cross meant to us.
Standard answers: love, forgiveness, grace, mercy, Jesus.
I answered justice. I don't know why. It was just... justice. Justice or injustice? Because what happened wasn't fair? I didn't know what to say, but right now, I think what I meant was just... justice, because justice had to happen, and it happened then.
And that is why Jesus had to die.
Why justice? Isn't love the best answer? Shouldn't it be the only answer?
Love is only one side of the coin.
What about the fact that God is Holy and cannot bear sin? What about the fact that there is no other way to become holy again other than through blood sacrifice? What about the fact that sin requires judgement and punishment?
Yes, God loved us.
But He died because to love us enough to make us holy again, the price had to be paid for sin.
You cannot have one without the other.
Anything less is to cheapen the Gospel.
And that we are doing every day.
On an aside, why is the symbol of the cross so lightly used now, even amongst Christians?
I think it's an overall symptom of the shallow understanding we have of the cross.
And satan knows, to destroy a culture, you tear down its symbols.
The cross has been so cheapened that it doesn't hold its proper meaning anymore. Instead, we have grown a subculture of "Christian" labels and slogans that nothing is meaningful to us if it doesn't come in nice catchy sound bytes.
Sunday, 27 July 2008
bah, humbug
I don't think it's faith that I have issues with.
It's the whole church set up and how it just doesn't make sense. It's insular. And inbreeding. And we just don't see it. Why can't we see it? Why can't we show it up for what it really is?
But anyone who does that is branded as faithless. An infidel, if you would like to use that word. An anti-Christ, who is trying to tear down the church.
But it's the church that doesn't make sense. It's not serving it's purpose. It's a hierarchy to man. A structure clung on to because it used to work.
What difference does the lights and sound and fancy work do?
Nothing. It only stirs you up to throw you down again. The very nature of its highs and lows only serves to confuse, and where one could have been sure of faith, it obscures the issue and makes one discard it as mere emotionalism for the moment.
And yet, because of the way we have been brought up, it is necessary.
We need it because we can't understand anything that we can't feel.
What happened to faith? What happened to believing that which we cannot see nor touch nor feel?
It's the whole church set up and how it just doesn't make sense. It's insular. And inbreeding. And we just don't see it. Why can't we see it? Why can't we show it up for what it really is?
But anyone who does that is branded as faithless. An infidel, if you would like to use that word. An anti-Christ, who is trying to tear down the church.
But it's the church that doesn't make sense. It's not serving it's purpose. It's a hierarchy to man. A structure clung on to because it used to work.
What difference does the lights and sound and fancy work do?
Nothing. It only stirs you up to throw you down again. The very nature of its highs and lows only serves to confuse, and where one could have been sure of faith, it obscures the issue and makes one discard it as mere emotionalism for the moment.
And yet, because of the way we have been brought up, it is necessary.
We need it because we can't understand anything that we can't feel.
What happened to faith? What happened to believing that which we cannot see nor touch nor feel?
trust
What we fail to trust, we will fight.
Why am I fighting you?
I know everything in my brain. So many things in my brain.
But I don't know what I am doing, and why.
Is this part of the plan?
Say yes, because at least knowing that something is supposed to be going right would be a nice feeling right now.
Controversial, you said.
Controversial, I am.
But I never thought it would be this way.
Where everyone else seems to know, but me.
What ever is said, it's not home. It is NOT home.
And I don't know how to fix it.
I give up knowing.
I give up understanding.
Give me the right to be peaceful in my unhappiness.
Let me know it's okay to be unsettled.
Let me know that it's alright to be not alright.
Isn't that where trust comes in?
Why am I fighting you?
I know everything in my brain. So many things in my brain.
But I don't know what I am doing, and why.
Is this part of the plan?
Say yes, because at least knowing that something is supposed to be going right would be a nice feeling right now.
Controversial, you said.
Controversial, I am.
But I never thought it would be this way.
Where everyone else seems to know, but me.
What ever is said, it's not home. It is NOT home.
And I don't know how to fix it.
I give up knowing.
I give up understanding.
Give me the right to be peaceful in my unhappiness.
Let me know it's okay to be unsettled.
Let me know that it's alright to be not alright.
Isn't that where trust comes in?
Sunday, 20 July 2008
Churchianity
One of the biggest problems of churches today is churchianity. There are scores of young, second (or third or fourth) generation Christians who believe because their parents believe. They have no terms of reference beyond what the church says. In a logical debate, the best they can come up with is circular thinking that goes along the lines of "this is true because the Bible says it is true and the Bible is true because I believe it is true". If you take the Bible out of the equation and ask them how else they can prove that what they believe is true, they have no plausible answer. They go stammering back to the sentence, "but the Bible says..." This does not work in a world of skeptics.
Another thought forwarded was, "this is true for me. You must try it for yourself." If it is true for me because I believe it is true, and you must try it to know if it is true, how different is that from the new age thinking that says that truth is relative to a person? Fine and good for you if you think it's true. Whatever works for you, man.
We discussed in CLEY three of the common theories to disprove that Jesus rose from the dead.
One - he did not die. He fainted and woke up in the tomb. Stupid theory - the Roman soldiers were professionals at killing. I doubt that since they made sure the two thieves were dead that they would have missed out on making sure Jesus was dead.
Two - the disciples stole the body. Maybe, if they were desperate enough to break with their own ingrown Jewish tradition of not touching "unclean" things (hard to believe if you've ever tried to reason with those who are superstitious) and fight the Roman soldiers (It would have been a tough fight - I doubt that the Romans would slack in their jobs and they were highly trained, something that the Jews were not). Where then would they have put the body?
Three - the authorities themselves spirited away the body. If they had done this, why did they not bring it out when the news was being spread about that Jesus had risen? If they were in possession of his real body, they could have easily disproven the new religion and gotten rid of the disciples. What was there to gain in hiding the body?
The assumed position of the leader then was that we were all defending the resurrection of Jesus. I beg to differ. All we were doing was to show the pitfalls and fallacies of those theories because frankly, they do not make sense. But disproving those theories do not prove that Jesus rose. They do not give any facts that can conclusively show that he did or did not rise. All they prove is that he died and his body disappeared.
So when put to the question of what then is the evidence that he truly resurrected, you have to take it back to the texts. Obviously if you are questioning the truth of the Bible, you cannot point back to biblical statements on his appearances. Were there any other texts outside the Bible that say he was seen alive? I don't know. I haven't heard of them. Has he been seen since? Say, if he appeared 2,000 years ago, does he appear now? How do you know he is alive? What of all these other theories and archaeological finds that seem to say that all this is really another religious scam?
The young church of today cannot answer these questions. The only lingo they speak is Christianese, and this does not make sense to a skeptical world. They are not able to take themselves out of the cocoon they have put themselves into, with its prosperity teachings and their own brand of superstitions. And the deeper problem, I feel, is this: when faced with a problem, they spew out Churchified and Christianesed answers. They give you feel-good messages that make you feel guilty because it makes you wonder what you've done wrong and why this God of theirs doesn't love you. They have their set of answers that really doesn't answer anything. They say that you must reach your lowest point before you can truly seek God and find him and understand what they are talking about. What if you've reached your lowest point but you still don't? Then they say that you aren't seeking him. And again it is your fault. Always your fault. You did not have enough faith.
Maybe the best answer to a skeptical world is that we do not know. We too are humans. We can only make sense of what we have experienced and what we have in our hands. We cannot prove that Jesus is alive because we have not seen Him. You cannot prove that He did not rise because all the theories, in the end, break down. At an impasse like this, the best we can say is, because of faith we are willing to stake our lives on this. Would you stake yours on what you believe?
Another thought forwarded was, "this is true for me. You must try it for yourself." If it is true for me because I believe it is true, and you must try it to know if it is true, how different is that from the new age thinking that says that truth is relative to a person? Fine and good for you if you think it's true. Whatever works for you, man.
We discussed in CLEY three of the common theories to disprove that Jesus rose from the dead.
One - he did not die. He fainted and woke up in the tomb. Stupid theory - the Roman soldiers were professionals at killing. I doubt that since they made sure the two thieves were dead that they would have missed out on making sure Jesus was dead.
Two - the disciples stole the body. Maybe, if they were desperate enough to break with their own ingrown Jewish tradition of not touching "unclean" things (hard to believe if you've ever tried to reason with those who are superstitious) and fight the Roman soldiers (It would have been a tough fight - I doubt that the Romans would slack in their jobs and they were highly trained, something that the Jews were not). Where then would they have put the body?
Three - the authorities themselves spirited away the body. If they had done this, why did they not bring it out when the news was being spread about that Jesus had risen? If they were in possession of his real body, they could have easily disproven the new religion and gotten rid of the disciples. What was there to gain in hiding the body?
The assumed position of the leader then was that we were all defending the resurrection of Jesus. I beg to differ. All we were doing was to show the pitfalls and fallacies of those theories because frankly, they do not make sense. But disproving those theories do not prove that Jesus rose. They do not give any facts that can conclusively show that he did or did not rise. All they prove is that he died and his body disappeared.
So when put to the question of what then is the evidence that he truly resurrected, you have to take it back to the texts. Obviously if you are questioning the truth of the Bible, you cannot point back to biblical statements on his appearances. Were there any other texts outside the Bible that say he was seen alive? I don't know. I haven't heard of them. Has he been seen since? Say, if he appeared 2,000 years ago, does he appear now? How do you know he is alive? What of all these other theories and archaeological finds that seem to say that all this is really another religious scam?
The young church of today cannot answer these questions. The only lingo they speak is Christianese, and this does not make sense to a skeptical world. They are not able to take themselves out of the cocoon they have put themselves into, with its prosperity teachings and their own brand of superstitions. And the deeper problem, I feel, is this: when faced with a problem, they spew out Churchified and Christianesed answers. They give you feel-good messages that make you feel guilty because it makes you wonder what you've done wrong and why this God of theirs doesn't love you. They have their set of answers that really doesn't answer anything. They say that you must reach your lowest point before you can truly seek God and find him and understand what they are talking about. What if you've reached your lowest point but you still don't? Then they say that you aren't seeking him. And again it is your fault. Always your fault. You did not have enough faith.
Maybe the best answer to a skeptical world is that we do not know. We too are humans. We can only make sense of what we have experienced and what we have in our hands. We cannot prove that Jesus is alive because we have not seen Him. You cannot prove that He did not rise because all the theories, in the end, break down. At an impasse like this, the best we can say is, because of faith we are willing to stake our lives on this. Would you stake yours on what you believe?
Sunday, 13 July 2008
of separate entities and SOX testing.
Like maybe the job gets to you and all that, right? But I was just mentioning to Shari that I would like to be a separate entity for once. I would like to stop thinking of myself as someone's sister, daughter or friend. I would like to stop comparing and thinking that everyone else seems to have it so much better than me. Smarter. More hardworking. Prettier. More talented. Less shy. More outgoing.
What is it about humans that we must have a list of things that we are not, and want to be them? It's like we keep harping on the liabilities and never take into account the assets that we have. Silly, right? Lending and borrowing circulates the money. Having a current ratio of more than 2:1 would mean that you're underutilising your cash. Sometimes you do need some liabilities.
And yet, as Ps Isaac expounded, it's all really about grace, and how it's a gift. And the favour is a gift. And that, really being grace, and being a gift, should keep us from looking down on ourselves. He thinks we're worth it. Who are you to think otherwise? Or who are you to judge if you're more "worth it" or not? And that should make us equal to everyone else. If only that lesson could be drilled down and nailed into my brain!
And so, the parable of the labourer brings this personal application that even if you're saved at different stages of your life, you still end up in the same heaven. You may have served God for 90 years, or 9 seconds, you may have been a good Christian all your life, or only some of it, but grace is grace, and covers all. It's unmerited. You can't buy it. You just receive. At the end of it, you must believe and receive that grace.
I figure it's a little like SOX (Sarbanes-Oxley) testing. As long as the controls work at the balance sheet date, you're alright. You're in the clear.
I suppose you need to be an accountant (or something related) to understand that.
And yes, I miss writing.
What is it about humans that we must have a list of things that we are not, and want to be them? It's like we keep harping on the liabilities and never take into account the assets that we have. Silly, right? Lending and borrowing circulates the money. Having a current ratio of more than 2:1 would mean that you're underutilising your cash. Sometimes you do need some liabilities.
And yet, as Ps Isaac expounded, it's all really about grace, and how it's a gift. And the favour is a gift. And that, really being grace, and being a gift, should keep us from looking down on ourselves. He thinks we're worth it. Who are you to think otherwise? Or who are you to judge if you're more "worth it" or not? And that should make us equal to everyone else. If only that lesson could be drilled down and nailed into my brain!
And so, the parable of the labourer brings this personal application that even if you're saved at different stages of your life, you still end up in the same heaven. You may have served God for 90 years, or 9 seconds, you may have been a good Christian all your life, or only some of it, but grace is grace, and covers all. It's unmerited. You can't buy it. You just receive. At the end of it, you must believe and receive that grace.
I figure it's a little like SOX (Sarbanes-Oxley) testing. As long as the controls work at the balance sheet date, you're alright. You're in the clear.
I suppose you need to be an accountant (or something related) to understand that.
And yes, I miss writing.
Sunday, 22 June 2008
...
Maybe sometimes just the right word in the right season will do more good than a dozen naggings.
I am tired of telling myself to do all the right things, out of guilt and out of the feeling that I need to do something to make things change. I keep saying things and thinking things and having good resolutions that never move beyond resolve.
Thank you for gently probing and waiting for me to get those stumbling words out, because for all I need to speak, I don't know how to phrase things right. I don't know why I'm telling you things, but you're there, and I trust you. Some how.
So please keep pressing on, because I'm trying to stop falling and I can't do it alone.
I am tired of telling myself to do all the right things, out of guilt and out of the feeling that I need to do something to make things change. I keep saying things and thinking things and having good resolutions that never move beyond resolve.
Thank you for gently probing and waiting for me to get those stumbling words out, because for all I need to speak, I don't know how to phrase things right. I don't know why I'm telling you things, but you're there, and I trust you. Some how.
So please keep pressing on, because I'm trying to stop falling and I can't do it alone.
Saturday, 21 June 2008
hidden talents
I do think that there is a talent that only Christians possess - the ability to make a non-issue blow up into something hugely gigantic just by "trying to care".
But on talents, I think it is time to refocus on what I used to see as my main strength.
Writing.
There are too many issues with the stage that I am too tired to work through, and have no time to think about. It is something I am too unsure about.
Thinking about it, the issue stems from overprotectiveness, and the tendency to not do something just because the world has made it something bad. How about how the church can make it something good?
Maybe it is also time to get away again. There is something about this place that makes me afraid to be all that I want to be. There is something about this place that makes me care too much about what other people think. The issue here is really not about what other people think, but about what I think other people will think.
Who the heck cares about what other people think when I think that it's something God wants me to do?
(But if it backfires, I still have to face their I-told-you-so's.)
Do you gather faith like poppies?
Maybe I should just make a stand and strike out where I want to.
I do not wish to be afraid.
But on talents, I think it is time to refocus on what I used to see as my main strength.
Writing.
There are too many issues with the stage that I am too tired to work through, and have no time to think about. It is something I am too unsure about.
Thinking about it, the issue stems from overprotectiveness, and the tendency to not do something just because the world has made it something bad. How about how the church can make it something good?
Maybe it is also time to get away again. There is something about this place that makes me afraid to be all that I want to be. There is something about this place that makes me care too much about what other people think. The issue here is really not about what other people think, but about what I think other people will think.
Who the heck cares about what other people think when I think that it's something God wants me to do?
(But if it backfires, I still have to face their I-told-you-so's.)
Do you gather faith like poppies?
Maybe I should just make a stand and strike out where I want to.
I do not wish to be afraid.
Monday, 16 June 2008
words
There are words that finally emerge from their obscurity from the process of talking (I need to do this more often, or rather, to do the right kind of talking more often).
Another issue I have with the church (that I'm supposedly in now) is the way they seem to make me a non-person. Until and unless they see me face to face.
To elaborate, a pet peeve of church (and also of my high school's CF) is the way they seem to assume that if they have told your mom / dad / sister / best friend / other friends, they have told you. I refuse to work under those conditions. If I am not valuable enough to you to have you tell me face-to-face - well, not even face-to-face, but at least through sms / mass e-mail / phone call, or at least something remotely personal - why should I bother to appear when you want me to, or do what you want me to?
I am not my mom / dad / sister / best friend / other person. I am me, and I don't have any telepathic abilities. I can't read their minds. Or yours.
I am tired of being a non-person who is only remembered via someone else (oh yeah, we must invite her sister too, right?), or by being actually physically in front of their faces (hey, I haven't seen you for quite a while huh...[but i was on msn, you know?])
Another issue I have with the church (that I'm supposedly in now) is the way they seem to make me a non-person. Until and unless they see me face to face.
To elaborate, a pet peeve of church (and also of my high school's CF) is the way they seem to assume that if they have told your mom / dad / sister / best friend / other friends, they have told you. I refuse to work under those conditions. If I am not valuable enough to you to have you tell me face-to-face - well, not even face-to-face, but at least through sms / mass e-mail / phone call, or at least something remotely personal - why should I bother to appear when you want me to, or do what you want me to?
I am not my mom / dad / sister / best friend / other person. I am me, and I don't have any telepathic abilities. I can't read their minds. Or yours.
I am tired of being a non-person who is only remembered via someone else (oh yeah, we must invite her sister too, right?), or by being actually physically in front of their faces (hey, I haven't seen you for quite a while huh...[but i was on msn, you know?])
Sunday, 1 June 2008
i
I am springtime's waters
Flooding down your veins
Torrents of your past
Drowning all your pain
I am summer's dryness
Hot against your skin
Sucking up your life
Drying up your soul
I am autumn's wind
Harsh upon your body
Hard against the rocks
Breaking all you hold
I am winter's breath
Cold upon your fingers
Strong about your heart
Never let you go
I am all you wished you were
And all you hate to be
I am fey, unveiled, revealed
I was never meant to be.
Flooding down your veins
Torrents of your past
Drowning all your pain
I am summer's dryness
Hot against your skin
Sucking up your life
Drying up your soul
I am autumn's wind
Harsh upon your body
Hard against the rocks
Breaking all you hold
I am winter's breath
Cold upon your fingers
Strong about your heart
Never let you go
I am all you wished you were
And all you hate to be
I am fey, unveiled, revealed
I was never meant to be.
Thursday, 22 May 2008
whys
Why can't I see things the way you see it?
Why do I have to be all negative and despondent and harsh?
Why am I always so hard and afraid?
Why can't I just do what I think I should do?
Why can't I just make up my mind?
Why does it feel that every decision I'm making is the wrong one?
Why do I bother so much about what others say?
Why can't everyone else just shut up?
Why can't I sort out between feelings and God?
Why am I so worried about what you say?
Why do I have to be all negative and despondent and harsh?
Why am I always so hard and afraid?
Why can't I just do what I think I should do?
Why can't I just make up my mind?
Why does it feel that every decision I'm making is the wrong one?
Why do I bother so much about what others say?
Why can't everyone else just shut up?
Why can't I sort out between feelings and God?
Why am I so worried about what you say?
Monday, 19 May 2008
angst
"But how long can mere responsibility tie me to a place I don’t really feel a part of?"Dear God,
Are you there?
I thought I knew what you were saying, but I don't know anymore.
So many times I thought... that this was it. This was right. This would work.
But I'm still here, again.
I thought coming back was right. I thought starting CAM was right. I thought I was ready to take flight.
I was wrong.
I thought I could stay. I thought I could finally build. I thought that maybe, this time, something new and beautiful would emerge.
I was wrong.
I thought leaving was right. I thought that if I could only see things from a new perspective, things would be different.
I don't know.
I don't know what you're saying anymore, because there are so many voices crowding me. There are so many past decisions that made sense, that sounded right, that felt right, but now in the light of newer decisions, are clashing together.
And bringing them all together now, I don't know which is right and which is wrong. To go or to stay. To dig and build, or to find a new home.
Maybe the right decision is to just let all of this force me out into going somewhere new, and somewhere fresh, where all the old voices and patterns won't force me back into the shell that I've built around my heart.
I was so sure that I was to be here. Now. Then I was so sure that I was to leave. Now.
All I can say at this moment in time is, I don't know anymore. The voices won't rest, and my heart won't feel.
Maybe that's why I turn up the music, so I won't think. So that I won't hear anything past the blast of sound.
But maybe that's why I'm not hearing you either. Because I won't allow myself to.
I don't know, God.
I can't hear you.
And I don't know if I'm trying all that hard to anymore.
Let me go, but don't.
Find me. Please.
Wednesday, 14 May 2008
thoughts
[I don't know how right this is, but it's been fermenting for a while.]
Christianity is not overt. It does not push itself in your face and exert its spirituality.
Christianity is not covert. It does not hide itself behind the curtains or switch itself off in embarrassment.
Christianity is. It's just there, if you choose to see it. Or not there, if you choose not to.
Because everything is an interpretation, but which is the true one?
---
Modern worship songs are too egocentric. They focus on "I". "I will worship", "I will come", "I live for you". They are difficult songs to sing, if you happen to be facing a low in your spiritual life. And so many people lie every Sunday, singing an "I will / I love you" song to God that they don't mean. Or they think they mean.
Maybe that's why I sometimes prefer hymns that focus on who God is. So even if you're feeling terrible, you can know that the words you're singing are true.
Christianity is not overt. It does not push itself in your face and exert its spirituality.
Christianity is not covert. It does not hide itself behind the curtains or switch itself off in embarrassment.
Christianity is. It's just there, if you choose to see it. Or not there, if you choose not to.
Because everything is an interpretation, but which is the true one?
---
Modern worship songs are too egocentric. They focus on "I". "I will worship", "I will come", "I live for you". They are difficult songs to sing, if you happen to be facing a low in your spiritual life. And so many people lie every Sunday, singing an "I will / I love you" song to God that they don't mean. Or they think they mean.
Maybe that's why I sometimes prefer hymns that focus on who God is. So even if you're feeling terrible, you can know that the words you're singing are true.
Monday, 12 May 2008
of two minds
somewhere along the lines of:
who am i, 23 and it's all a lieleading up to:
thought i knew who i was
i thought that You were here with me
but this darkness is breaking everything in me
and these infinite questions have shattered all the peace
but i won't question in the dark
what is true out in the light
i will follow after you
through the sun and through the night
cause You've got me right where You want me
yeah, You've got me right where I need to be
yeah, and i'm standing amazed
where did it go, 33 and it's gone so fast
thought i knew who i was
i thought that You were leading me
but this depression is crashing in on me
and i'm not the half the man i hoped i'd be
but i won't question in the dark
what is true out in the light
i will follow after you
through the storm and through the fight
cause You've got me right where You want me
yeah, You've got me right where I need to be
yeah, and i'm standing amazed
Amazed/Jason Roy/Building 429
come like You promised You wouldBut it's not quite there yet.
i want to surrender for good
i know that i need You and i don't
want to keep living life alone
so take this heart and make it new
make it true make it like You
take my hands i lift them high
they're yours not mine to do
do what You will
do what You will
do what You will
i feel like a blind man in Your sight
i know that i'm wicked in Your eyes
so wash me and make me shine like Your
Son, i want to tell everyone that
You're the only one
i'm ready now, i'm ready now
i'm ready now, do what You will
i'm ready now
i'm ready now
i'm ready now
Ready Now/Jared Anderson/Desperation Band
Sunday, 11 May 2008
Sunday writings
Follow Him, they said to me
And pointed down the road
I set my feet to follow them
With my heavy load
Far ahead, through misty ways
Lost sight of what was true
Called aloud in hopes that they
Would lead me back to You
Resounding back I thought I heard
A whisper in the night
But around the bend a fork reared
Its head to my sight
To the right they called to follow
Where they went and where they stayed
But the other path still draws me
And what I thought I heard You say
Now I don't know how to find You
And I don't know who You are
I don't know what You're saying
Through the babble from afar
I can't say that I do love You
I've too cold and closed a heart
And all I am is fragile
All I am is crumbling apart
---
When is it right to revisit past decisions?
---
And resounding again: am I too cold?
And pointed down the road
I set my feet to follow them
With my heavy load
Far ahead, through misty ways
Lost sight of what was true
Called aloud in hopes that they
Would lead me back to You
Resounding back I thought I heard
A whisper in the night
But around the bend a fork reared
Its head to my sight
To the right they called to follow
Where they went and where they stayed
But the other path still draws me
And what I thought I heard You say
Now I don't know how to find You
And I don't know who You are
I don't know what You're saying
Through the babble from afar
I can't say that I do love You
I've too cold and closed a heart
And all I am is fragile
All I am is crumbling apart
---
When is it right to revisit past decisions?
---
And resounding again: am I too cold?
Saturday, 26 April 2008
Church
I believe in the sanctity of the Church as a body, but not in the infallibility of the church as a unit.
AP was telling me about the coming Ministry Fair and how she's going to add in an advert for CAM (which I'm still depressed over, I don't think anything will come of it) and I was trying to tell her that I'm taking a break. Stepping down. Resigning. She was... I suppose she was everything I had expected everyone to react like, except no one has reacted that way so far. Is there some sort of birthright that says that if you were "born" (so to speak) in a church, that you must be a member of it all the days of your life? What happened to free will and the Church as a body? One can reasonably understand that others are in different churches because of their preference and God's leading, and / or due to personal reasons such as friends and relationships, but can't one understand that when someone doesn't really feel that strength of ownership in a particular church anymore that that someone should be given the leeway to try and discover if there is somewhere else more suitable? (I'm not talking a total drop out here.)
I don't know if it's right or wrong, but I believe in the Church as a body. I believe that churches, individually, should still come together and pull together as the Church as a whole. Yes, it's bad if there's a lot of "stealing of sheep" because there's no point in that (if it's undertaken as an exercise on its own), but what about legitimate needs of current members when a specific church isn't really meeting them?
Which is why I also believe in para-church organisations, such as the GCF, SU and FES. Because sometimes some needs and some work can only be done outside the church.
It's not that I'm saying one shouldn't be part of a local church. You should be part of a local church. It just doesn't have to be the same one from day one of your life to the end. Why? Because people change. Needs change. Churches change. Sometimes, the direction you're taking for your life doesn't match up to the direction of the church. It may or may not be a bad thing, just as it may or may not be a good thing. I know it's crappy to say this, but it depends. It depends on where you believe God is leading you. If your personal direction matches up with the church's, well and good for you. Stay on. Support it. But if it doesn't, what are you supposed to do? Stay on and slowly become a backbencher? Lose your own path in life?
Sometimes, taking a step back can only provide better clarity. Like you know, finally being able to see the forest for the trees? Seeing the big picture?
The big picture is this: churches individually make up the larger body of the Church, the Bride of Christ, and each has their different strengths which suit different people in different stages of their life. Let's not get all worked up when one goes from one church to another. Because in the end, we're on the same side. We're fighting the same battle.
In-fighting isn't going to help anyone much. (Same goes to UMNO.)
AP was telling me about the coming Ministry Fair and how she's going to add in an advert for CAM (which I'm still depressed over, I don't think anything will come of it) and I was trying to tell her that I'm taking a break. Stepping down. Resigning. She was... I suppose she was everything I had expected everyone to react like, except no one has reacted that way so far. Is there some sort of birthright that says that if you were "born" (so to speak) in a church, that you must be a member of it all the days of your life? What happened to free will and the Church as a body? One can reasonably understand that others are in different churches because of their preference and God's leading, and / or due to personal reasons such as friends and relationships, but can't one understand that when someone doesn't really feel that strength of ownership in a particular church anymore that that someone should be given the leeway to try and discover if there is somewhere else more suitable? (I'm not talking a total drop out here.)
I don't know if it's right or wrong, but I believe in the Church as a body. I believe that churches, individually, should still come together and pull together as the Church as a whole. Yes, it's bad if there's a lot of "stealing of sheep" because there's no point in that (if it's undertaken as an exercise on its own), but what about legitimate needs of current members when a specific church isn't really meeting them?
Which is why I also believe in para-church organisations, such as the GCF, SU and FES. Because sometimes some needs and some work can only be done outside the church.
It's not that I'm saying one shouldn't be part of a local church. You should be part of a local church. It just doesn't have to be the same one from day one of your life to the end. Why? Because people change. Needs change. Churches change. Sometimes, the direction you're taking for your life doesn't match up to the direction of the church. It may or may not be a bad thing, just as it may or may not be a good thing. I know it's crappy to say this, but it depends. It depends on where you believe God is leading you. If your personal direction matches up with the church's, well and good for you. Stay on. Support it. But if it doesn't, what are you supposed to do? Stay on and slowly become a backbencher? Lose your own path in life?
Sometimes, taking a step back can only provide better clarity. Like you know, finally being able to see the forest for the trees? Seeing the big picture?
The big picture is this: churches individually make up the larger body of the Church, the Bride of Christ, and each has their different strengths which suit different people in different stages of their life. Let's not get all worked up when one goes from one church to another. Because in the end, we're on the same side. We're fighting the same battle.
In-fighting isn't going to help anyone much. (Same goes to UMNO.)
Sunday, 13 April 2008
structure
I think maybe one of the things I'm really looking for is a church where I can actually fit into the structure, and not feel like one who is standing outside or above it. Not that I actually do, but sometimes it feels like it.
Maybe one of the things I'm really frustrated about is the fact that there is a structure... somewhat... but it doesn't seem to be working. There are cell groups, but no one really draws you in to one. There were discipleship groups, but after all the talk and discussion, no one actually invites you into one. There are committees and subcommittees to do different projects, but there is no support to carry them through.
Maybe what I'm looking for is really a mentor that can tell me, buck up, girl, we're moving on. Rather than wait for consensus.
Maybe, what I really want, is leadership.
Maybe one of the things I'm really frustrated about is the fact that there is a structure... somewhat... but it doesn't seem to be working. There are cell groups, but no one really draws you in to one. There were discipleship groups, but after all the talk and discussion, no one actually invites you into one. There are committees and subcommittees to do different projects, but there is no support to carry them through.
Maybe what I'm looking for is really a mentor that can tell me, buck up, girl, we're moving on. Rather than wait for consensus.
Maybe, what I really want, is leadership.
Monday, 7 April 2008
rethink?
Apparently Pin has stepped down from the Saturday Night service. Ps HC asked if I could worship lead at least once a month, but I told him no. He's under the impression that I'm [also?] on a break. I don't want to say anything until I write that letter to Ps CK, and until I really know what I want to do.
But I do know what I don't want to do. I don't want to get tied up in church again because of guilt. And that is what will be if I start feeling sympathetic and say okay.
Fergus said this:
As I've said before, I feel that I'm tied to this church because of obligation and expectation, and I don't want it to continue that way. It's not a nice feeling to wake up and go to church because I'm expected to or I have to.
I would like to do something unexpected. And find that it isn't unexpected, or isn't not-what-i-should-do. I would like to wake up on Sunday mornings with the thought that it's okay to take my time and smell the morning and not be there on time. I would like to not feel guilty for not doing enough, or for not being good enough. I would like to feel that it's okay not to be good enough, or persistent enough or dedicated enough, or strong enough, or big enough or holy enough because no one thinks that I should be there already.
I like to remember the smile on my face when for once, for real, my cell leader asked me... are you baptised and do you speak in tongues?
I also like to remember the semi-smirk I had when my drama director, on "interviewing" me said... not every one is allowed on stage. Because that is what I believed and I was happy for it, because it really didn't matter to me if I was or not, I just wanted to be there.
It was also nice to turn up at prayer meetings because I wanted to and felt I should. Rather than to find excuses not to go because I know I should but I don't want to.
And yet I feel sad, because whilst it will be easy to leave, it's always hard to say goodbye.
Even if they don't know I'm saying it.
But I do know what I don't want to do. I don't want to get tied up in church again because of guilt. And that is what will be if I start feeling sympathetic and say okay.
Fergus said this:
so i ask myself - what do i need to be doing before i feel like i am christian enough? where should i be serving before i feel like i can hold my head up in church? am i confusing a relationship with jesus with a visible display of obedience? am i bastardising service when it's absence makes me feel like i'm not earning my keep in His kingdom? when i see other people serving, i feel terrible. i know it doesn't make them holier, but it makes them more involved. and involvement is good, right? the church says that, right?And I agree.
there's barely a line between a church exhorting people to serve and a person feeling bad for not serving. i want to stop thinking that i need to go back to god, like i'm a heathen. my head knows i have god. the rest of me should just knock it off.
As I've said before, I feel that I'm tied to this church because of obligation and expectation, and I don't want it to continue that way. It's not a nice feeling to wake up and go to church because I'm expected to or I have to.
I would like to do something unexpected. And find that it isn't unexpected, or isn't not-what-i-should-do. I would like to wake up on Sunday mornings with the thought that it's okay to take my time and smell the morning and not be there on time. I would like to not feel guilty for not doing enough, or for not being good enough. I would like to feel that it's okay not to be good enough, or persistent enough or dedicated enough, or strong enough, or big enough or holy enough because no one thinks that I should be there already.
I like to remember the smile on my face when for once, for real, my cell leader asked me... are you baptised and do you speak in tongues?
I also like to remember the semi-smirk I had when my drama director, on "interviewing" me said... not every one is allowed on stage. Because that is what I believed and I was happy for it, because it really didn't matter to me if I was or not, I just wanted to be there.
It was also nice to turn up at prayer meetings because I wanted to and felt I should. Rather than to find excuses not to go because I know I should but I don't want to.
And yet I feel sad, because whilst it will be easy to leave, it's always hard to say goodbye.
Even if they don't know I'm saying it.
Saturday, 29 March 2008
on the parents
It was rather a relief, I suppose that after talking it over with my parents, the only thing that they said (my dad in particular) was to take my time about it and do it step by step.
The other thing that gave a little bit of relief was the comment my dad made in passing, where apparently T.T. Quah said something about it being okay (?) for me to leave because it would be difficult for me to continue working with people who had worked with my father. Or something like that. Which is a little bit of what I feel too.
So...
"See how"
The other thing that gave a little bit of relief was the comment my dad made in passing, where apparently T.T. Quah said something about it being okay (?) for me to leave because it would be difficult for me to continue working with people who had worked with my father. Or something like that. Which is a little bit of what I feel too.
So...
"See how"
Monday, 24 March 2008
words
Maybe Jian hit the nail on the head when he said that I bother too much about what people say.
So could I just be ruthless and throw caution to the wind and say "You suck. Good bye."
Which really isn't what I would naturally say.
But since I'm being abnormal anyway. Sigh.
And yet words, in some way, have ceased to matter. What I say isn't going to make much of a difference unless I actually do something.
Need time to think.
If I would give myself that.
So could I just be ruthless and throw caution to the wind and say "You suck. Good bye."
Which really isn't what I would naturally say.
But since I'm being abnormal anyway. Sigh.
And yet words, in some way, have ceased to matter. What I say isn't going to make much of a difference unless I actually do something.
Need time to think.
If I would give myself that.
Sunday, 23 March 2008
where to?
So maybe by talking it over and over and over again, I will get more clarity on my own thoughts. I think. I don't know. Maybe by asking and talking and listening, I can define more clearly if this impulse was merely that - or something more.
I turned up in church this morning, and it didn't feel like Easter. It felt as if there was a bitterness in my soul. I don't know if I was upset because I felt I was being side-lined. I don't know if I was upset because... just because. Or maybe I'm just being stressed about Monday. So I was being grumpy. (Not an unusual feat or fact).
But song turned to tears, I don't know why, which is hard on me because I can usually shut out emotions and turn off the tap. Most times. And in the midst of it was this thought - that it was time to leave this church.
I don't know why. I don't know where to.
But I feel that it's time to move on.
But I'm afraid to. I don't know why. Maybe it's because when I finished with TARC in KL I was quite certain that I was to come back, and to come back to the church. I was quite sure that my place was to be in this church, with the Creative Arts. In the Worship Team.
Now I'm not so sure.
I don't know if it's because I'm being "overworked", if I am pushing myself too hard, or if I'm feeling guilty at the lack of results and/or lack of overall needful effort. I don't know if I'm being upset at the fact that I try, but it fails, or I try, but am told I am not needed. I don't know if I am taking offence at what that pastor said / implied last week. I don't know if in some ways I am still affected by my father's resignation, or if I am taking offence on his behalf, or if I feel in some ways overburdened by it. I don't know if this whole problem is because I feel that everyone is on their tippy-toes about me because of my father and the resignation, as if I am someone they need to guard and protect, and make sure I am not hurt (and yet they still inflict hurt). I also don't know if this is just some backlash to the realisation of the fact that I have never and probably will never fit in. That the ideas and interests and lifestyles of those around my age are dissimilar from mine and will probably never even touch in any sort of tangent.
I feel as if... people are expecting me to act a certain grown-up way and do certain things, while at the same time putting me down as a child, and taking away those opportunities offered earlier.
There are too many why's and if's in the consideration, and I think I will never be able to come to a single lucid explanation of my impulses and my fears, my desires and my hopes.
What I do know is this: I will probably never truly be able to be myself here. There are too many unspoken expectations that I have to deal with, both from myself and from the church. I feel that I have no room to grow, maybe because of the way I see myself in connection with the church, or maybe because... I don't know. I feel as if all the walls that I had taken down whilst in KL have been re-erected where they stand, maybe even further in.
What I don't know is this: if it will ever truly be different anywhere else because of the way I was made, because of the way I always react, and because of who I have gradually come to be.
There is the hope though, that just as CF & Metro Tab made me a different person than the one I am becoming, that maybe a change will reignite something that should be there.
Maybe church will somehow again become something more than a responsibility and a burden and an expectation and a guilt.
The question now is: where to, and when?
I turned up in church this morning, and it didn't feel like Easter. It felt as if there was a bitterness in my soul. I don't know if I was upset because I felt I was being side-lined. I don't know if I was upset because... just because. Or maybe I'm just being stressed about Monday. So I was being grumpy. (Not an unusual feat or fact).
But song turned to tears, I don't know why, which is hard on me because I can usually shut out emotions and turn off the tap. Most times. And in the midst of it was this thought - that it was time to leave this church.
I don't know why. I don't know where to.
But I feel that it's time to move on.
But I'm afraid to. I don't know why. Maybe it's because when I finished with TARC in KL I was quite certain that I was to come back, and to come back to the church. I was quite sure that my place was to be in this church, with the Creative Arts. In the Worship Team.
Now I'm not so sure.
I don't know if it's because I'm being "overworked", if I am pushing myself too hard, or if I'm feeling guilty at the lack of results and/or lack of overall needful effort. I don't know if I'm being upset at the fact that I try, but it fails, or I try, but am told I am not needed. I don't know if I am taking offence at what that pastor said / implied last week. I don't know if in some ways I am still affected by my father's resignation, or if I am taking offence on his behalf, or if I feel in some ways overburdened by it. I don't know if this whole problem is because I feel that everyone is on their tippy-toes about me because of my father and the resignation, as if I am someone they need to guard and protect, and make sure I am not hurt (and yet they still inflict hurt). I also don't know if this is just some backlash to the realisation of the fact that I have never and probably will never fit in. That the ideas and interests and lifestyles of those around my age are dissimilar from mine and will probably never even touch in any sort of tangent.
I feel as if... people are expecting me to act a certain grown-up way and do certain things, while at the same time putting me down as a child, and taking away those opportunities offered earlier.
There are too many why's and if's in the consideration, and I think I will never be able to come to a single lucid explanation of my impulses and my fears, my desires and my hopes.
What I do know is this: I will probably never truly be able to be myself here. There are too many unspoken expectations that I have to deal with, both from myself and from the church. I feel that I have no room to grow, maybe because of the way I see myself in connection with the church, or maybe because... I don't know. I feel as if all the walls that I had taken down whilst in KL have been re-erected where they stand, maybe even further in.
What I don't know is this: if it will ever truly be different anywhere else because of the way I was made, because of the way I always react, and because of who I have gradually come to be.
There is the hope though, that just as CF & Metro Tab made me a different person than the one I am becoming, that maybe a change will reignite something that should be there.
Maybe church will somehow again become something more than a responsibility and a burden and an expectation and a guilt.
The question now is: where to, and when?
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