Maybe I'm just supposed to be a kele-feh. Not.

I grew up hearing this word "kelefeh" bandied about during church plays and school presentations. I knew what it meant though I always thought it was some official fancy kind of theatre term (probably French) until I tried to find out how it was spelled. Then I discovered that the actual industry term for it was "extra" - and it was used mainly in movies/film. The only reason we used it that much was due to our Chinese speaking background (it's apparently Cantonese) and our need to be inclusive, whereby anyone who's in the group needs to have a role, even if they hate acting (or can't act); they end up volunteering to kelefeh as the crowd, a tree, a rock, a log, or whatever needs to be in the scene, but doesn't have to say anything.

We were covering the book of Job during cell group one Tuesday and one of our cell members made this observation:

"How come the bible doesn't talk about Job's children? It's like they were all just kelefeh. Maybe that's what some of us are meant to be."

It was quite depressing.

But maybe that's the danger in the constant message to "just do it" and "make a change in the world". It puts on a platform those who have made it big in life, and says that if you don't reach that level of achievement (or if you don't dream to), there is something wrong with you. It puts down the simple dreams of simple people who maybe only want to find a good spouse and have children, or make the next promotion at work, or earn just a little bit extra so that they can save and not worry so much about the future.
It's saying that significance is only if thousands of people look up to you, or you become "famous".

There's this constant push for bigger, better, newer and cutting edge even in the church, which can be severely harmful to those who don't have limelight talents. It makes those who enjoy performing seem holier, because they're seen on stage, or they're promoted as being "anointed" through their singing or their music or charisma or whatever visible gift that they wield for God. Or themselves. Sometimes it's hard to tell which.

And so we are defeated even before we start because we place unnatural expectations on ourselves. And we forget that we are all the body, and we are all His children, no matter if our role is big or small, if we influence one or if we influence one thousand.

In another cell group, a thousand miles away on a Friday night (because I'm continuing this in a really disjointed matter after maybe half a year or so), some of them brought up how bad they felt that they have never personally let a person to Christ, or how little impact they seemed to have, even in inviting their friends to church. And yet the thing is, one sows and another reaps. And you don't always know where in this process you are. But as long as you are faithful, God can use you.

Because He doesn't measure success in the same way that we do. He's not looking for the tangible products or the hard numbers. He's not looking at the graphs and the figures. He's looking at your heart and how you cling to Him. He's looking to see how you respond when He speaks. He's speaking to that yearning in your heart that tells you that you can be more than you ever imagined you would be, even if all you imagine yourself to be is the best engineer in your team.

And until and unless our narrative changes, we'll always miss the point.

#30to30: Day 10 - on prophecies

At CLE:Y on Tuesday, we talked a little about the prophecies surrounding Jesus' birth, and then we got somehow sidetracked into talking about prophecies in general. Reuben brought up a question - when you're prophesied over, do you just wait for it to happen or do you chase after it?

I don't think you just wait for it to happen - if God's word for your life is that you will touch people through your music, you don't just sit back and wait to automagically become great at music, as if you just click a button and download skills into yourself. Obviously, God's giving you talents and opportunities, but you also need to seek ways to improve your skills and get better at what you do. You need to seek His heart for the people, and ultimately, His timing for it all.
Then again, you don't chase after it to try to make it happen either. Abraham did that, and Ishmael was the result. (Random joke: to solve the Middle East conflict, all you need to do is take the Tardis back in time and eliminate Ishmael before he grows up). I guess it's a balance of both - working at what you can work at, and trusting God for the rest.

And sometimes... things just happen without you doing anything. And you don't even know why, except that it's been spoken over you. Way back in 1999, this random prophet was in town (I don't even remember anything about her) and I wrote down what she said. It's one of those things that I record and forget about, find it again when I clear up stuff, and now it's on my desk. Looking at where I am now, I'm seeing parts of it coming true, especially the last bit.

I don't really know how to minister to people. I want to be a potato and not do anything. Or sometimes I want to be an elephant and sit on them. I don't really know what to say or what to do, except to say random comforting words, send random emoticons and cute photos... and to ask if we could pray, though sometimes I don't even know what to pray about. But I suppose it's part of His plan. And if He's putting me in these places, He's going to give me the right words... or emoticons, anyway.

Destiny Conference, 215District and serendipity

It's been a crazy weekend at the Destiny Conference. I could put it all down to coincidence or serendipity, really but let's just say it as it is. God's been pulling strings. ;)

I had been ambivalent about attending the conference despite ohmygoshit'skutless and lookpeopleit'stheexactsameverse!Serendipity! moments.

So I did what any normal person in 2014 does. Divert ambivalence into a complaint about lack of money on facebook. And then this woman full of awesomesauce GIVES ME EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED FOR TICKETS AND MEALS at the conference. (Though it turns out I didn't actually really need to get meals, it was so near my hotel). (No linky on this woman because she might hate me for it... she shall stay anonymous until she decides to say something.) (Really, don't listen to me when I complain about money because I really, really, really do have enough. I'm just stingy and trying to convince myself to spend on something I want, other than books.)

I just opened my book of notes, and I love it how the (kind of) first phrase I wrote down from Mario Murillo says, "Some of you look at how impossible your dream is. You're looking at the wrong thing." Somewhere down the page, it continues, "Even when you don't know what to do next, God is going to do amazing things!" It's as if God is just affirming again and again and again that I don't have it all, but it doesn't matter. He knows what's going to happen.

Your latter will be greater

"A culture of victory and excellence can be handed down to create a generation that exceeds the prior generation." - Mario Murillo

Even as we start to build 215District, I believe this is a word in season, this is the word that we need at this time. It seems as if things are falling apart, and we are trying to build a new culture, a new identity from scratch. It's difficult. But we have the people and the tools in place - setting that culture of victory and excellence NOW is what is going to ensure the future of the generations to come.

We are called to be counter-culture, and in a world where standards don't matter, where excellence isn't a big thing (even in the church), we should (and need to) build a culture of youth that care about doing the right thing, and doing it well. Let's not buy in to the lie that it's okay to be mediocre, it's okay to kind of just follow along with what everyone else is doing. The verse says that we shine like stars. Another verse says that we do it all with excellence as if doing it for the Lord. Other verses promise that we will be the head and not the tail.
I covered the book of Daniel in cell group before I left, but this was an interesting thing Mario brought up that I don't think we considered during our discussion. Daniel served through the reign of 4 kings. We know that. But the thing we didn't think about was that in those days, each new king that came into power purged (i.e. killed) all the servants of the old king and put his own people into power - but Daniel was so valuable, that they couldn't kill him. Each time, he was reinstated to power.

If you stay right with God, He will promote you to be the leading edge of your culture.

And we need that. We need to stop playing catch-up with where the world is going. We need to stand up for our convictions. We need to be so good at what we do, and so strong in what we believe in that people will stop and listen. Even if they don't agree.

There's more to be said, but I'm sleepy.

Narratives: Who am I?

We've reached Exodus as part of our cell group's Bible study, and I stayed up until 2 a.m. on Monday night (uh, I mean Tuesday morning?) prepping slides (and getting distracted by YouTube and Dreamworks' Prince of Egypt) because I felt like it (totally unnecessary, but oh well). And now I'm staying up late Tuesday night, after said cell group, writing this. (Why, I wonder, why? Why can't I just go to sleep like a normal person?)

Moses' questions and protests (Read Exodus 3 and 4) when he was called by God to go back to Egypt and deliver the Israelites are questions that rise often in my life. Not always in the same sequence, not always only once, but often over and over again - especially the first one, "Who am I?"

"Who am I, that I should go to Pharaoh, and that I should bring the sons of Israel out of Egypt?" (Ex 3:11)

Who is he, indeed. Only a son of the line of Levi, the line of the priests (though the priesthood hadn't been instituted yet, so maybe that doesn't count?). Only the adopted son of the previous Pharaoh's daughter and therefore the step-brother of the current Pharaoh, a Prince of Egypt. I think that makes for added misery/conflict to the whole "let my people go" saga.

Who am I is the recurrent question in most of our lives today, maybe because the narratives in our lives often say we're only average, nothing special, so we can't do anything much. Maybe we buy in to the narrative that says I must be a rich white male to do anything worth noticing, or I must be a starving genius from a third world country to be recognised. The narratives in our heads and in our books tell us that nobody notices the middle-class, working class kids, the in-betweens, who try their best because they aren't special, precocious, or obnoxious enough to be watched. Only the outliers, the very good or the very bad, the Hero or the Villian, the ones with the special talent, get the attention we crave.

We're so plagued with self-doubt and self-esteem issues as a generation (or two) that it isn't funny anymore. So we find the need to pigeon hole ourselves, to define who we are by what we do (or at least by what we do best), or who we're related to (as long as they're famous), or who we know (the more famous or infamous the better), or any other thing that can somehow make us sound better and greater than those around us. Yet the more we try to attract attention to ourselves, the worse we feel about ourselves. There was a guy who tried to kill himself because he couldn't get the "perfect selfie". Our self-esteem issues are getting way out of control.

If you were to ask me who I am, I could give you a myriad lables, depending on who you are to me. I am a daughter, a cousin, a niece, an auditor, a writer, an editor, a singer, an actress, a worship leader, a dancer, a Christian, a child of God, a failure, a winner, a manager, a teacher, a blogger, a thinker, a reader, a hoarder, a single, a young adult.
These are the sum of my parts, but they are not all of me. I'm more complex that these titles imply, and yet, I use them because it's simpler that way, and if I were to excel in something (oh look, I edited a book that's on the bestseller list - I AM NOW SOMEBODY) then that's a way to bolster up my faltering ego, to prove to myself (and others) that I can do something.

Then you get God's answer to that question: It's nothing to do with who you are.

"But I will be with you, and this shall be the sign for you, that I have sent you: when you have brought the people out of Egypt, you shall serve God on this mountain" (Ex 3:12)

Like, what? Does that even make sense? And yet it does, because it takes the pressure off little ole fragmented you, and puts it all on the great big God of creation. It means that it doesn't matter who you think you are, or how much you doubt and hate yourself. All that really matters is that God Himself has chosen you and has promised to be with you until what He's called you to do has come to pass.

It's a difficult answer to come to terms with; it's one I struggle with most frequently. My inadequacies and failures often feel like a millstone around my neck, dooming me to further failures - sometimes not because I'm not good enough, but because I don't believe I am, therefore I don't see the need to try. There is a desperate need to change that narrative in my head, to still the voices that whisper "if you don't try at least you won't fail." And maybe that's why I've been coming face-to-face with an overwhelming wall of love, as if God is standing in my way saying, "look here, I've told you this before and I'm telling you this again, and I'm just going to shove it in your face until it gets into your head."

I'm desperate for a Word to tell me what to do, where to go, and all I keep getting is Anna, I love you. You're precious and special to me. Who you are is more important than what you do. I've called you, yes I've called you, but first and foremost, I've called you to be Mine. Anna, listen. Trust me. You don't need to 'love me enough' because I have love enough for both of us. I have faith enough to keep you going. I am that passion in your soul you've been holding tightly to. I am that song in your ear you've been listening for. I am the words in your heart you've been trying to write. Everything you've done for Me I know, I see, I remember. Your faithfulness is your righteousness, your steadfastness is proof enough of your love. I am a jealous God and I am jealously in love with you. I am a jealous God and I am jealously guarding you for Me.

Who am I then?
There's only one fitting answer to that question: I am His. 

Have you found your purpose in life?

Last weekend, I attended a workshop called Life Purpose Planning. We were asked to write our Personal Mission Statement as part of the workshop and I was totally prepared for it - kinda. What's so hard about writing down something that's already been percolating in my head for so long?

The problem, as I wrote, was that my own dream was giving me palpitations. Not the excited-I-love-this-dream kind of palpitations, but the I'm-on-the-verge-of-a-panic-attack kind. And then when Uncle Sam prayed for me, what he said (probably paraphrased by now) was, "Stop scaling down your dreams."

What, my totally (to me) audacious prayer was scaled down?

Yes - because that was back in March, and on the first day of the workshop when I was scribbling notes to form my statement, I had drawn a little arrow which took me from Penang to Malaysia. And promptly forgot all about it, albeit a little purposefully.

I do this all the time because I cannot believe that I can do all the things I want to do. Half the time I'm not even sure I want to do all the things I want to do. Because bed + books + rain + anti-socialism = awesome introverted me. When I'm home alone on a weekend, I can go the whole day without saying anything at all. I don't feel the need to call anybody, talk to anybody, or even chat with anybody - and here I am writing out a Personal Mission Statement that, for one thing, talks about building community and uses the words facilitate and speak. 

And the thing I was just thinking of, which may be totally weird for all you super-go-getters and extroverts who chase all your dreams and never ever ever ever settle, is that I always ask for more, but settle for less.
Because I always settle. It's easier to say "this is enough" because I'm afraid of what more would entail, because I am more afraid of the sword of Anna than the sword of the Lord. And because, you know, bed. books. snuggling under the comforter. comfort. not having to think so hard. not having to think at all. books. I'm lazy -

and the life I'm choosing is one that is totally at odds with who I think I am.

During Encounter Weekend a gazillion years ago (well, maybe 10 - I'm not sure) I asked for boldness, and was told, "but you are so bold". But I'm not. I'm frightened. I'm a two year old kid wailing because it is scary. It's not even dark. It's just scary. I'm just good at pretending and hiding behind the anonymity of the web where I don't have to see you when I talk (or type) and I never have to press "publish" or "send" if I chicken out. But life can't be wholly lived out behind the computer screen.



Roughly translated, the song says:

You're my rock
You're my fortress (I keep thinking of retaining walls, though, as a translation for benteng?)
I lay my future before You
In every thought
In every hope
I'm convinced You know what's best for me

Because You're the Almighty
You're God
I believe it's Your grace that strengthens me
Because You're mighty
You're the King
Nothing is impossible for You 

Except when I myself stand in the way.
Because it's me and yet it's not me, if you get what I mean. And yet it is the mountain I prayed for. And while I would rather not, at the same time, it's what pulls me and pushes me and inspires me. Don't worry if you're confused. I am too.

It's been many years in the making, but I think I've discovered my holy discontent. It's probably not news to you at this point of time. But as I look though my fireplace postings, there's a growing stream of evidence that it's been building, slowly but surely, noticeably.

So again and again, I say yes. Because what else is there to say?



AnugrahMu kepadaku / Your grace towards me
Tak pernah berubah / Has never changed
Perbuatan-Mu terlukiskan / Your works are written (etched?)
Didalam hatiku / In my heart
Tercengang ku dibuat-Mu / I'm astounded by Your works
Ku kagum pada-Mu / I marvel at who You are
Tak ada hal di hidupku yang luput dari-Mu / No detail of my life escapes from You 

Kau indah / You're wonderful (beautiful)
Kau mulia / You're glorious
Tiada seperti-Mu / There is none like You
Kuingin hidupku menyenangkan-Mu / I want my life to be pleasing to You

Kau terawal dan terakhir / You're the first and the last (Alpha & Omega)
Pencipta segalanya / Creator of all things
Seluruh bintang pun bersinar  / All the stars shine
Oleh ucapan-Mu / At Your word
Engkau pun mengasihiku / You love me
Penulis hidupku / The author of my life
Tak henti seg’nap nafasku menyembahMu selalu / I will never stop worshipping You

Kupuji / I praise 
Kusembah / I worship
Tiada seperti-Mu / There is none like You
Kuingin hidupku menyenangkan-Mu / I want my life to be pleasing to You

Chorus:
S'gala puji / All praise
S'gala hormat / All honour
Seg'nap hatiku menyembah-Mu / I worship You with all my heart
Terimalah seg'nap hidupku / Accept my life
S'bagai persembahan yang hidup / As a living sacrifice

Bridge:
Bukan kehendakku / Not my will
Namun kehendak-Mu / But Your will
Hidupku bagi-Mu / I live for You
Kau indah / You're wonderful (beautiful)
Kau mulia / You're glorious
Kuingin hidupku menyenangkan-Mu / I want my life to be pleasing to You

On Jacob and Israel, closure, and the end of #fireplace

The thing about Jacob was that he had a lot of heart. He knew what he wanted and he chased after it. But the problem was that it wasn't his and what he did wasn't right. I don't know what would have happened if Jacob had waited for his prophecy to be fulfilled instead of stealing it from Esau, but stole it he did, even if it was Esau's fault for giving it away. I mean, come on. You're hungry. I get that. But your little brother says "sell me your birthright for this stew" so you get melodramatic and say "I'm going to die of hunger anyway so you can have it." Like, was that the only food in the camp? Wouldn't say there be other people around with food, like servants, who would willingly give you food for free or just because you're the boss's son? And then what would happen when you didn't die of hunger?

But Jacob - Jacob wanted the birthright. He hungered for the blessing. From when he was born, he had probably lived with the words "and the older will serve the younger" rattling around in his head. Maybe even from the womb, he had lived with that desire in his heart and when he saw the opportunity, he took it. And then he took the blessing as well, though technically, the blessing went with the birthright. And then he ran, and he never stopped running until -

The difference that marked Israel was that he had "striven with God and with men and had prevailed". The blessing of Abraham had long passed from Abraham to Isaac and to him as Jacob, but he had still been running. He was still living in the fear of his lie and maybe the fear for his life. But by the time Jacob becomes Israel, he's settled his differences with Laban - they've drawn a line where neither will cross to harm the other - and he's met Esau and appeased him. He has stopped running away.

More than that, he's wrestled with God in the dark of the night and clung on until he received his blessing - not through trickery this time, by pretending to be someone else, but from God himself, in his own name. He's returned to the beginning of his journey, Bethel, where he first saw God, and God appears to him again, blessing him in his own right.

The thing about our God is that He is a God of closure. He is the Author and the Finisher of our faith. As much as I like open ended stories, there must always be a form of closure which says "this is the end... even if it's only for now". When Jacob first met God in Luz, God says "Behold, I am with you and will keep you wherever you go, and will bring you back to this land; for I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you." (Genesis 28:15). At the end of this episode, in Genesis 35, God brings Israel back to Bethel and reaffirms His promise. Jacob's chapter as runaway birthright stealer had closed. A new chapter as Israel, father of the twelve tribes had begun.

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I began writing fireplace back in high school as part of a weekly devotional for my cell group. Our youth group had been called firebrands, so I called my write ups "by the fireplace", which was later shortened to "fireplace". Since then it moved from my now-defunct lycos email list to my yahoo email list to my gmail email list and finally to my blog. It's been following me through up and downs, from weird write ups to fervent rants, including mountaintop experiences to awkward deconversion posts. It's time to lay it to rest.

I'm coming to the end of something. Maybe. I've said this before. I'm also coming to the start of something. I've said this before too. But I'm the type of person who needs to say it many times, to reaffirm it many times until it becomes real. Maybe because there is a need to speak it into being and since I don't really speak much, I write it down often. After all Habakkuk 2: 2-3 tells us to :

“Write the vision
And make it plain on tablets,
That he may run who reads it.
For the vision is yet for an appointed time;
But at the end it will speak, and it will not lie.
Though it tarries, wait for it;
Because it will surely come,
It will not tarry."

So as fireplaces comes to its end, maybe something new will take its place. I don't know yet. I've been thinking of something but I don't know how it will work. Or whether I should make it work.

But we'll see.

fireplace: Praying with power

I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which He has called you, the riches of His glorious inheritance in His holy people, and His incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is the same as the mighty strength He exerted when He raised Christ from the dead and seated Him at His right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every name that is invoked, not only in the present age but also in the one to come.

Ephesians 1:18-21

I've been putting off this post to almost a month now, but there are some things that somehow need to be said. I'm just not sure if I'm the one to be saying or if I even know how to say it. The thing with prayer is that it's very easy to talk about it. It's easy to bounce off theories and come up with placating reasons why some prayers were answered and others were not; about how sometimes we may not be able to recognise the answer, or how we refuse to accept answers we don't like, and all that kind of thing. But when it comes down to it, no matter what you or I can say, if you just cannot grasp what prayer really is about (and it's about a lot of things!), if your mindset and your worldview is wrong (what is wrong and what is right?), you're just never going to get it. And most times I don't yet either. I wish I did.

Dr Philip Lyn preached on The Believer's Authority about a month ago when I visited SIB KL, and one of the things he said that resonated with me went something like this: "Stop describing the mountain to God. He knows what it looks like and the more you talk you make it bigger for yourself. Speak to the mountain the words and promises of God."

And that's just it. I'm not a proponent of the "name it and claim it" theology, but at the same time, I think that a lot of times our prayers are ineffective because we forget or we don't really believe that God may actually want to answer our prayers. We act as if we need to twist God's arm or manipulate him into doing something that He actually wants to do for us.

And that comes to speaking it into being. Because you know, God spoke, and the world was made. And if we're learning to become more like Christ, there are times when we just need to speak into the situation, to say to the mountain that it should move, and wait for it to move. And we do have that authority in Christ to do so, if only we claim it. His incomparably great power for us who believe - the same power that raised Christ from the dead.

We - I - need to stop living in defeat.

fireplace: the truth behind the lies

I hate reading Gert Fram. Reading Gert Fram never fails to make me cry. I love reading Gert Fram. It never fails to uplift. Such powerful, evocative words, packed into a mere nine pages. And it is nothing more than fiction. Or maybe, nothing less than fiction.

I was intending to write about the truth behind stories, until I got caught up in googling the phrase “Jesus spoke in parables”. This led me to several interesting sites as well as several kooky sounding ones.

I caught myself thinking as I browsed one site, that this person has it so right… and so wrong.
The next question was: how do I know if she is really right or wrong?
And the question really is this: how do you know that what you believe is true?

Last week at cell, we were asked to share our salvation story.
Salvation stories are intensely personal and difficult to share. Or relatively easy, depending where you stand. How astounding and miraculous your story was, or how mundanely simple. I don’t know.

Maybe it’s this disconnect I have between my emotions and my head, where I can doubt the same things I say I believe in the same span of a thought. Maybe it’s the way that nothing really seems real anymore. And yet everything is. And to be intensely in the moment is of necessity to be intensely physical, to sing louder than anyone else, to dance to the rhythm and tune, because otherwise, I am caught in the web of my head which clinically and analytically asks “and why are you feeling what you are feeling? What are you planning to do next? Where do you intend to go with this thought?” or also, “why do you not feel anything anymore?” And sometimes I believe I understand the need to cut physically, the way I sometimes need to wound my soul in order to feel something, if only pain. Because sometimes pain feels good.

And yet faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen.

And maybe I’ll tell of the truth behind the lies after all, because a well-placed story at a well-timed moment tears your heart in ways the bare-faced facts could never do. Because by stepping out of yourself in that short span of time, you open yourself to be vulnerable to the Story that loops in endless sequences, in countless revisions, in trickles of narrative, or floods of words; the one that always says in the end that man needs a hero. And sometimes the hero echoes that of God, and sometimes, it echoes the works of man, but the immutable truth remains that one man cannot ever save himself.

And maybe Jesus spoke in parables because sometimes it’s the only way to get through.

p/s go read Gert Fram.

#fireplace: for the glory of it all

Jeremiah 2:11b (AMP)
But My people have changed their Glory [God] for that which does not profit.

And somewhere in the midst of the dreams, the passion, the pushing on, you have to stop and remember what it’s all for. Because it’s easy to fall into the trap of always wanting more, always wanting the name and the fame, always wanting the glitz and the glam. Then you wake up, with success, but knowing that you’ve still missed it somewhere.

James 4:3(AMP)
[Or] you do ask [God for them] and yet fail to receive, because you ask with wrong purpose and evil, selfish motives. Your intention is [when you get what you desire] to spend it in sensual pleasures.

And maybe because I always second guess myself, always question my motives, sometimes I am still afraid to move on. Even though I have purposed in my heart to go, even though I know why I want to do this, why this is important to me, why I even care, what I believe God is saying about this, there is always this voice that questions:

Do you ask for this mountain purely for yourself?
Do you ask for this because somewhere deep inside, you still desire to be known by man?
Do you ask for this mountain because somewhere inside, you still believe subconsciously that God doesn’t love you enough yet?

So maybe you ask but do not receive, maybe you strive but do not succeed, because you are not yet ready.
But you still press on, because you know He is working in you, and for you.
And His Word does not return void.

---

Re: A to Z blogging challenge -  
I reposted the poll on the sidebar to the left.
Please vote! At current count (on the previous form), I should be writing a new short story series.

fireplace: lessons from Terry Pratchett

But whoever catches a glimpse of the revealed counsel of God - the free life! - even out of the corner of his eye, and sticks with it, is no distracted scatterbrain but a man or woman of action. That person will find delight and affirmation in the action. [James 1:25 - The Message]

It's only the first week of the year, and I have to admit that I haven't been very successful in keeping my resolutions. On top of a predicted extremely busy week at work and falling sick, I had this sudden urge to re-read all four of the Tiffany Aching books by Terry Pratchett (The Wee Free Men, A hat full of sky, Wintersmith, I shall wear midnight). I love the way Pratchett defines his witches, especially Granny Weatherwax, in terms of doing Right and giving people what they need. He talks about responsibility, especially for those who have the ability. Responsibility and Right isn’t what we normally talk about these days.

In “The Wee Free Men,” when Tiffany is facing the Queen, and is almost losing, she remembers that the Fairy Queen had said that all witches are selfish. It seemed to be a little bit of a hopeless, depressing situation,

But Tiffany’s Third Thoughts’ said: Then turn selfishness into a weapon! Make all things yours! Make other lives and dreams and hopes yours! Protect them! Save them! Bring them into the sheepfold! Walk the gale for them! Keep away the wolf! My dreams! My brother! My family! My land! My world! How dare you try to take these things, because they are mine! I have a duty!

In “A hat full of sky”, Tiffany is starting to grumble about the endless things she needs to do for people who can’t help themselves, which have nothing, in her opinion, to do with witchcraft. Granny Weatherwax sets her right with this:

"Now that's what I call magic - seein' all that, dealin' with all that, and still goin' on. It's sittin' up all night with some poor old man who's leavin' the world, taking away such pain as you can, comfortin' their terror, seein' 'em safely on their way... and then cleanin' them up, layin' them out, making 'em neat for the funeral, and helpin' the weeping widow strip the bed and wash the sheets - which is, let me tell you, no errand for the faint-hearted - and stayin' up the next night to watch over the coffin before the funeral, and then going home and sitting down for five minutes before some shouting angry man comes bangin' on your door 'cos his wife's havin' difficulty givin' birth to their first child and the midwife's at her wits' end and then getting up and fetching your bag and going out again... That is the root and heart and soul and centre of witchcraft, that is."

The thing is, sometimes following Jesus should be that way. We read James 1 in Cley today, and verses 21 - 27 talks about being doers of the Word, and not merely listeners. It talks about taking action on what we know, what believe, saying that pure and undefiled religion is to visit orphans and widows in their trouble, and to keep yourself unspotted from the world. It’s talking about being fruitful, in attitude first which leads to action. It’s not the action itself that saves us - the saving has already been done - but sometimes it’s the action that centres us, that reminds us that this world is not all about us.

We are selfish people, but not quite selfish enough. We think in terms of our own comforts, our own needs our own wants, and we forget that the world is ours. It’s not ours to play with and discard, but it’s ours for us to be responsible over. It’s ours to own, to say that all these, all these who seem lesser than us, who seem smaller, poorer, weaker than us ARE ours. Their lives and dreams and hopes are also ours, and whilst we do not save them ourselves, we help them to the saviour. If each of us were to feel the tiniest bit of this kind of ownership, this kind of selfishness, our offices would be a better place to work at, our country would be a better place to live in, our world would be a better place to be.

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On an aside, I've also been thinking about generations and how they affect the family and society. If you look at it, families have been breaking down. Children don't really know their family history, or their grandparents as much as they used to. Life is not as knit as it used to be, where legacies were passed down from generation to generation, attitudes are not being passed down adequately. People use to know what their family stood for, they used to care about a family name, about doing things right, and doing things well.

An interesting thing I stumbled across while reading the Bible, was this whole passage in Genesis 5, where the genealogy of Adam is laid out all the way until Ham, Shem and Japheth. And being the numbers person that I am, I randomly started counting the ages and when each person was born, and came to this astounding realisation: Adam possibly lived up until the time that Methuselah was born. 

That's Adam, Seth, Enosh, Kenan, Mahlalel, Jared, Enoch, Methuselah. Eight generations. I may be wrong, of course. I could have counted it wrong, because I was counting in my head whilst lying on my bed, and of course you don't really know how accurate these years are.

You do know that "Enoch walked with God and he was not, for God took him home with Him", and this is purely conjecture, of course, but I was thinking - what if, it was because of little Enoch, sitting at great-grandpappy Adam's feet and learning about actually physically walking with God in the garden of Eden that brought him close enough to God to make that possible?

I'm probably the worse person possible to talk about family and generations. But it was just such an insightful moment. Imagine, if you were able to see the lives of your relatives for eight generations - to see the full impact of God in their lives, when you were old enough to understand and relate, to have gone through the same cycles they have gone through and still be able to sit down and talk about it over dinner, and not have to conjecture, I wonder what mom/dad would have done - how would that change your life?

salt and light

We were talking about being salt and light, thinking of practical things we can do in the coming week to make an impact in the lives of our friends and family. Simple as that. We've talked about this in iBridge camp on a slightly larger scale - practical things that we can do to make a difference in the different spheres of our nation, i.e. politics, economy, health care, social works (I can't remember the other one). 

These problems seem really big. I mean, you start thinking about it, and you get frightened. It's overwhelming. You look at the forest and go woah, and what were we supposed to do again? But frankly, it isn't our job or our responsibility to change the whole world overnight. It isn't our job to overhaul the system. We can't. The system is rotten and we know it. But right now, with the resources we have, we just cannot change it.

However, what we know is this: if enough people do something about it (or even say something about it), things will change. It's not good enough to say that the system is rotten and it's not fair. We know that. The question is, what are you going to do about it? It only takes a single stone to start and avalanche (or maybe a single snow ball). It doesn't seem dangerous when it starts but it gets big pretty quickly and that really changes things.  

It really isn't any use lamenting the fact that we know that these things aren't good and fair and complaining or wondering why those with the power aren't doing anything about it. We know they aren't, and probably won't unless a miracle happens (we can pray). We know they have too much interested vested in it. It doesn't work to go, "but well, if I were the son of the MP/person in charge/person with power I would do something" because they too have a vested interest in keeping the status quo.  

But the best way to make sure that the people put in charge really do the right thing is not to sit around and complain about it. It's to go out there and give your opinion loud enough so that they have to listen. It may even be about replacing those people in charge with the right ones who will do something. 

It isn't easy and it isn't safe. But doing the right thing isn't about being safe. I can't remember who said it at camp, but he said if you're doing something right... expect to get into trouble. Why? Because all those who have interests vested in it aren't going to be happy. And they're going to try their best to shut you up. The thing is, it's never going to change if we never do anything. And if enough people do something, no matter how small, things WILL change. 

How was slavery abolished? By one guy constantly bugging the parliament and attempting to garner support in bugging the parliament. How did the Missionaries of Charity get started? By one woman doing all she could in the slums of India. It works everywhere else... why not with Malaysia?

The problem with Malaysia now... is really our mindsets. 

I guess it stood out extra clearly to me today during our discussion as one guy kept going on about how the system is rotten and how we can't do anything about the system being rotten. What we kept telling him was that yes, we know the system is rotten and we can't do anything about it now, BUT if everyone of us just starts doing the small things that we can do (for example, vote. Or even just helping out in social work, or getting involved in ministries that help the poor and the broken and the migrants) then something will start to change. Even if we can't change everything for everyone, at least that one person you are able to help will have received what he needed. Even if the other 49 still can't fish, at least there is one more person who can fish, and who can help in the work. 

He just couldn't accept that. He kept going on about how it's not his responsibility. He has done his part by paying his taxes and the government should do that bit. To each his own, and let each man decide for himself what he should do. It smacks of selfishness, but we really are selfish people. We want to have our cake and eat it. We want to complain about the state of things but expect that other people will fix it for us. We don't want to get our hands dirty. If I could generalise, I'd say that our age is an age of irresponsibility. We've learnt to pass the buck so well, that we don't know where it stops. 

Our reply to this was fine, to each his own. You decide that you can't do anything and you will not be part of the solution, then that's up to you. We believe that by just doing the little that we can, it will help be a part of the solution (erroneous or not) but we'll take up that responsibility to do that bit. 

I think what really clinched it for me today was the idea of functionality. We normally talk a lot about the analogy of salt and light; salt as a preservative, an aid to healing, a purifier, giving taste and light to show the way, drawing people and giving hope. But we hardly ever think about the fact that salt and light just has a very clear purpose. True, it's wonderful that there are so many things to say about salt and light. The fact remains that for it to just be useful, it has to be used. 

There's no point in having a lit candle if it's already in the light. No one can see it then. For the candle (torchlight for modernity's sake?) to be useful, to serve its purpose it has to be in the dark. And no matter how small or unstable it is, as long as it's there, someone can see. 

For salt to preserve or to heal wounds, or give taste, it has to be in that meat. And meat is by nature, messy and bloody. And if you cook it, it's going to be hot. 

The fact remains that perfection is never going to come in this lifetime. The question is, do you just accept that it isn't and then do NOTHING about it, or do you still do your best to at least get nearer?

Then again, this is just talk. This is just another blog post. What then will we - I - do to make the difference we are talking about? That's where the rubber hits the road, innit?

by the fireplace: honesty

I would rather you
Flung your defiance at me
Than hide behind masks

The question for today was whether we could continue living in sin with grace as our safety pin; or whether we should continue to strive to meet the impossible ideals presented in the sermon of the mount. I don't know if I was taking a rather high-brow, hard-line stance, or maybe if the things I've been reading have been getting to me.

The problem with that kind of Grace teaching, is that it downplays repentance. It lets you go on continuing to sin, continuing to take your salvation lightly. What is repentance but turning away from sin and turning towards God? But when you live in an atmosphere that says it's okay to sin, God will forgive you anyway, that's not repentance. That's not turning away from sin, and your very salvation is suspect. (Like I said, I think I was harsh.)

It's not that you will never fall, or never ever make a mistake or sin ever again. I take it for a fact that we will never reach those ideals. Try as you might, we would always fall short, and the more we try, the more we know how far we still have to go. And yet the thing is, that doesn't mean you need to stop trying. I guess as Rachel put it nicely, the more you sin, the more you get entrenched into it. As impossible as it sounds, we need those examples and ideals before us, to keep us pressing onwards, to give an end goal.

Yet in the end, it isn't so much about how hard you try, but it's about the positioning of your heart. It isn't about how well you've gotten it all together, but where your heart is pointing you to. It's not the absolution of the Law either. Jesus did not come to abolish the Law, or nullify it. He came to fulfil it. And that fulfilment is by the offering of His Absolute Grace to cover the requirements of the law. It's not a cheap grace that tells you you can continue to do whatever you want, because He will forgive you anyway, but it's a grace that covers all that you have done, and all that you will ever do, but requires your honest, sincere response of acceptance and repentance.

How honest is your heart to you? Sometimes I think that God is closer to those who seem to have fallen by the wayside; those who are arguing with Him, than those who are holding it all prettily together in church. Because it is then that you are really actively searching for Him, looking to satisfy the real heart-needs and mind-needs. What was that verse to the church? I would rather you be hot or cold... (Revelations 3:15b) Our God is not so small that He cannot be questioned. But is your understanding of Him so small that He can't question you?

Power Plays

Matthew 4:1-11 "Then was Jesus let up of the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted of the devil..."

It was a power play; a stand off. It was a show down, but wasn't. The tempter came and threw all he had, but Jesus refused to be lured. He changed the terms of engagement. Rather than coming to fight in the devil's arena, He brought the fight back to His own camp. Back to His own terms.

What man, when challenged, doesn't rise to the challenge and fight back with all he's got? What man answers that with mere words?

But there isn't a need for that, if you know where your true value lies. You don't need to engage if you already know who the victor will be. Sometimes there is such a thing as pointless fighting.

big things

I guess it was a little thing, but sometimes, little things are BIG things, you know?
It was just a comment on Genesis 3:21, where it goes: "And LORD God made garments of skin for Adam and his wife, and clothed them." She gave a comment to the effect that it was a little thing, like you know, just to care that Adam and Eve had clothes to wear.
Then this thing goes off in my brain saying "No, you idiot, it's a BIG thing. Think! That was the FIRST shedding of blood. God kills something. His. Own. Creation. Don'tyougeddit. It's the first sacrifice. Of course it's a BIG thing. There is no such thing as 'well, He could have let them go off naked and not covered their sin'. It wasn't a spur of the moment thing. It was part of the plan."
And I don't know why I was so uptight about it. I mean, interpretation, yes? She was looking at it from a different angle. I guess she was looking at it from the angle of how God must have been so disappointed when Adam and Eve sinned. How He must have felt. Yeah, I know. He must have felt devastated. And yet when you think of it this way, that the Lamb was slain before the beginning of time, you know that He knew it would happen. Doesn't make it any less devastating, but He already had his plan in place. And that first sacrifice was necessary. To purge them of their sin before they stepped out of Eden. To demonstrate to them sacrifice, and the purification of blood. To set the tone at the top.
I don't really know what I'm getting at.
All I know is that it was a big thing, and you can't make big things small.

justice

We were having a discussion on why Jesus died. One of the questions went: but why did he have to die?
I think the predominant answer was, because He wanted to forgive; because of love. He wanted to demonstrate love.
But couldn't he have done it some other way?
Funny thing is, it was brought to "no greater love than this, than for man to lay down his life for a friend."
While yes, true, Jesus had to die because He loved us and wanted us to go back to God, that isn't the whole part of the story. If it were, He could have loved us in any other way and forgiven us in any other way.

We were also asked what the cross meant to us.
Standard answers: love, forgiveness, grace, mercy, Jesus.
I answered justice. I don't know why. It was just... justice. Justice or injustice? Because what happened wasn't fair? I didn't know what to say, but right now, I think what I meant was just... justice, because justice had to happen, and it happened then.
And that is why Jesus had to die.

Why justice? Isn't love the best answer? Shouldn't it be the only answer?
Love is only one side of the coin.
What about the fact that God is Holy and cannot bear sin? What about the fact that there is no other way to become holy again other than through blood sacrifice? What about the fact that sin requires judgement and punishment?
Yes, God loved us.
But He died because to love us enough to make us holy again, the price had to be paid for sin.
You cannot have one without the other.
Anything less is to cheapen the Gospel.
And that we are doing every day.

On an aside, why is the symbol of the cross so lightly used now, even amongst Christians?
I think it's an overall symptom of the shallow understanding we have of the cross.
And satan knows, to destroy a culture, you tear down its symbols.
The cross has been so cheapened that it doesn't hold its proper meaning anymore. Instead, we have grown a subculture of "Christian" labels and slogans that nothing is meaningful to us if it doesn't come in nice catchy sound bytes.

Churchianity

One of the biggest problems of churches today is churchianity. There are scores of young, second (or third or fourth) generation Christians who believe because their parents believe. They have no terms of reference beyond what the church says. In a logical debate, the best they can come up with is circular thinking that goes along the lines of "this is true because the Bible says it is true and the Bible is true because I believe it is true". If you take the Bible out of the equation and ask them how else they can prove that what they believe is true, they have no plausible answer. They go stammering back to the sentence, "but the Bible says..." This does not work in a world of skeptics.
Another thought forwarded was, "this is true for me. You must try it for yourself." If it is true for me because I believe it is true, and you must try it to know if it is true, how different is that from the new age thinking that says that truth is relative to a person? Fine and good for you if you think it's true. Whatever works for you, man.
We discussed in CLEY three of the common theories to disprove that Jesus rose from the dead.
One - he did not die. He fainted and woke up in the tomb. Stupid theory - the Roman soldiers were professionals at killing. I doubt that since they made sure the two thieves were dead that they would have missed out on making sure Jesus was dead.
Two - the disciples stole the body. Maybe, if they were desperate enough to break with their own ingrown Jewish tradition of not touching "unclean" things (hard to believe if you've ever tried to reason with those who are superstitious) and fight the Roman soldiers (It would have been a tough fight - I doubt that the Romans would slack in their jobs and they were highly trained, something that the Jews were not). Where then would they have put the body?
Three - the authorities themselves spirited away the body. If they had done this, why did they not bring it out when the news was being spread about that Jesus had risen? If they were in possession of his real body, they could have easily disproven the new religion and gotten rid of the disciples. What was there to gain in hiding the body?
The assumed position of the leader then was that we were all defending the resurrection of Jesus. I beg to differ. All we were doing was to show the pitfalls and fallacies of those theories because frankly, they do not make sense. But disproving those theories do not prove that Jesus rose. They do not give any facts that can conclusively show that he did or did not rise. All they prove is that he died and his body disappeared.
So when put to the question of what then is the evidence that he truly resurrected, you have to take it back to the texts. Obviously if you are questioning the truth of the Bible, you cannot point back to biblical statements on his appearances. Were there any other texts outside the Bible that say he was seen alive? I don't know. I haven't heard of them. Has he been seen since? Say, if he appeared 2,000 years ago, does he appear now? How do you know he is alive? What of all these other theories and archaeological finds that seem to say that all this is really another religious scam?
The young church of today cannot answer these questions. The only lingo they speak is Christianese, and this does not make sense to a skeptical world. They are not able to take themselves out of the cocoon they have put themselves into, with its prosperity teachings and their own brand of superstitions. And the deeper problem, I feel, is this: when faced with a problem, they spew out Churchified and Christianesed answers. They give you feel-good messages that make you feel guilty because it makes you wonder what you've done wrong and why this God of theirs doesn't love you. They have their set of answers that really doesn't answer anything. They say that you must reach your lowest point before you can truly seek God and find him and understand what they are talking about. What if you've reached your lowest point but you still don't? Then they say that you aren't seeking him. And again it is your fault. Always your fault. You did not have enough faith.
Maybe the best answer to a skeptical world is that we do not know. We too are humans. We can only make sense of what we have experienced and what we have in our hands. We cannot prove that Jesus is alive because we have not seen Him. You cannot prove that He did not rise because all the theories, in the end, break down. At an impasse like this, the best we can say is, because of faith we are willing to stake our lives on this. Would you stake yours on what you believe?