Dear Worship Pastor / Leader / Coordinator
The Global Day of Prayer is just around the corner. For the first time in Penang, we will be holding 10 Days of Prayer (May 21-30) building up to the GDOP on Pentecost Sunday (May 31). We are believing that as the Church unites in prayer and worship, we will see the heavens open and His Spirit poured out in a powerful way.
Here is what's going on. Please feel free to forward this email to your team.
==========================
THE GLOBAL DAY OF PRAYER
Ten Days. One Event.
Penang Christian Centre
(Shalom Hall, Level 2)
1 Jalan Khaw Sim Bee
==========================
The Overview:
TEN DAYS of constant prayer. (10 hours for 10 days) MAY 21 (Thu) - MAY 30 (Sat)
[Daily Schedule]
Noon-2pm: Harp & Bowl (Corporate Worship and Intercession)
2pm-4pm: Prayer Slot
4pm-5pm: Intercession Hour
5pm-7pm: Prayer Slot
7pm-10pm: Night Session with Harp & Bowl and Teaching
ONE EVENT. The Global Day Of Prayer. MAY 31 (Pentecost Sunday).
Venue: Shammah Hall, Level 3, PCC
7:00pm
=======================
I want to extend the invitation for you (and people on your team who would be interested) to participate in one or more of the following ways. This is open to your church's main worship team as well as the youth / young people's worship teams.
1. Be a part of the team that leads worship at the Night Sessions. We are hoping to assemble teams each night made up of people from different churches. We are looking for worship leaders, singers, musicians (keys, guitars - electric or acoustic, bass, drums, and also other instruments like the violin, saxophone, etc.), and intercessors. You don't have to commit to all the 10 days, you can come for 2 or 3 or more nights. Just let me know!
Send me an email <penanghouseofprayer@gmail.com> with 1. the days you can come, 2. what role you can play (singer / musician - what instrument / leader, etc.) and 3. who else in your team can come
2. Come be a part of the Harp & Bowl Workshop on Saturday 23 May from 2pm-5pm that will focus on Harp & Bowl style worship (spontaneous worship that involves antiphonal singing and building on the prayers and intercessions being offered up). If you have wanted to step out in worship in a freer way, this is a great opportunity to equip yourself with the right tools! We are privileged to have April Lupo and Evan Olsen, full time worship leaders and intercessors with the International House of Prayer (IHOP)-Tallahassee: http://www.ihoptallahassee.org/ who will be joining us for the duration of the 10 days - leading, speaking, imparting - and will be leading the workshop as well. Depending on the number of teams interested, we may or may not have to limit the number of participants, so please have in mind a core group of your singers / musicians you would like to bring with you. We will also try and have the session be translated, if you can let us know ahead of time!
Send me an email <penanghouseofprayer@gmail.com> to let me know if you are interested.
Please feel free to get in touch with me if you have further questions!
Blessings on you and your ministry,
Josh for the PenHOP Team
Friday, 8 May 2009
Saturday, 2 May 2009
chasing Aslan
So I picked up the Chronicles of Narnia again, and reread the whole set. (Don't talk to me about how I'm going to regret that, because I'm already stressed looking at the time I 'lost'.)
But the truth is, I was wondering - why do we intellectualise God so much? Why do we talk as if Theology is the only thing, Apologetics and the like are the best of all arguments, when the most basic ideas of all can be communicated in a mere story?
Like it or not, Lewis puts it the clearest when he states over and over again, that Aslan is not a tame lion. He doesn't come at your beck and call, but as and when he wishes to. And as Cor commented, he seems to be at the back of all stories.
Read into that what you will.
So further up and further in, to Narnia and the North!
But the truth is, I was wondering - why do we intellectualise God so much? Why do we talk as if Theology is the only thing, Apologetics and the like are the best of all arguments, when the most basic ideas of all can be communicated in a mere story?
Like it or not, Lewis puts it the clearest when he states over and over again, that Aslan is not a tame lion. He doesn't come at your beck and call, but as and when he wishes to. And as Cor commented, he seems to be at the back of all stories.
Read into that what you will.
So further up and further in, to Narnia and the North!
Sunday, 29 March 2009
living large
So maybe all it takes is a little step and a little commitment and everything starts to change.
I don't know what it was - it was a flowery, dancing feeling, something indescribable. It was a conviction that I needed to stop that. And so I did. I should have done it a long time ago, but I guess I wasn't ready. Maybe I wasn't listening hard enough.
I've realised this past few weeks that if I listen hard enough - and not just listen, but act - I would be seeing God's providence in so many different ways. Like the time I was thinking, maybe I shouldn't lock my gate, but I did anyway. And later on my neighbour calls to say that they need me to unlock my gate because they're doing roadworks on the drain. There - should have listened. And the time where I ran upstairs to get extra money even though I thought I probably wouldn't need it, and then found out that I did need it because we ended up dinnering somewhere fancy. Well, there was also the time I decided not to get the money, and ended up having to card it because I didn't have cash. Things like finishing up some outstanding work the night before the manager asked for it. There are other things, things that have slipped my mind at this moment, but I know they're there. Small things, but reminders.
It's butterflies and rainbows and promises that dance in my head.
And I want to dance.
It's difficult, I look up with longing at the unread books - just recently bought - that tantalise, and yet I remember that I promised. The rest of the year is a long stretch. I don't know if I will last that long. I might.
But I know I should, because His promises and His life is surely better than a stolen sleepless night.
I don't know what it was - it was a flowery, dancing feeling, something indescribable. It was a conviction that I needed to stop that. And so I did. I should have done it a long time ago, but I guess I wasn't ready. Maybe I wasn't listening hard enough.
I've realised this past few weeks that if I listen hard enough - and not just listen, but act - I would be seeing God's providence in so many different ways. Like the time I was thinking, maybe I shouldn't lock my gate, but I did anyway. And later on my neighbour calls to say that they need me to unlock my gate because they're doing roadworks on the drain. There - should have listened. And the time where I ran upstairs to get extra money even though I thought I probably wouldn't need it, and then found out that I did need it because we ended up dinnering somewhere fancy. Well, there was also the time I decided not to get the money, and ended up having to card it because I didn't have cash. Things like finishing up some outstanding work the night before the manager asked for it. There are other things, things that have slipped my mind at this moment, but I know they're there. Small things, but reminders.
It's butterflies and rainbows and promises that dance in my head.
And I want to dance.
It's difficult, I look up with longing at the unread books - just recently bought - that tantalise, and yet I remember that I promised. The rest of the year is a long stretch. I don't know if I will last that long. I might.
But I know I should, because His promises and His life is surely better than a stolen sleepless night.
Monday, 23 February 2009
anew
And so here I am. Where I thought I wouldn't be, where I once said wasn't home, but now is. Isn't that what the journey is about? Little steps, one at a time, finally landing you at places you never thought to be. And here I have friends I never thought I'd have. Depth of relationships I that had only ever had in CF. Never in church! I thought... These kinds of things don't happen in church.
It seems sad, somehow, as I said to her, that in the almost-a-year that I left, she's been the only one to voluntarily seek my company personally. Excepting two wedding invites, confirmed before I pulled my disappearing stunt, of course. It seems sad, somehow, that after about a decade of growing up together (give or take a few years here and there, I guess) we still don't have anything much in common to talk about; our lives were never really shared, per se. And so we've drifted apart effortlessly, and funnily enough, it doesn't even feel like anything is missing. Shows you how deep those relationships were, huh? I guess every once in a while, I feel a pang of bitterness at how it might have turned out, if everything were different, but I guess I am who I am; nothing would be much different.
And so here I am. It took 4 months to decide, a month to dither. But, forms are submitted, along with a letter of transfer, and a tiny butterfly of nervousness. No glitches, I hope. Why should there be? But sometimes, me being me, I get anxious and start over-thinking. Funny, I haven't even been 'enrolled' (my brain died, I can't think of a better word) and they've been asking me if I would join the worship team (and trying to answer yes on my behalf) and straightaway all those niggling thoughts jump and overstretch themselves in a race to the finish. Will I, won't I? Because of this, that? But I will not think about it now. Let it sort itself out in its due course. Isn't that what this journey is about? A step at a time, led by Him who keeps us from falling.
And so.
It seems strange to be here, and yet, almost right.
Almost because I don't know anymore if anything is ever perfectly right. I give up on ever saying that this is the absolutely best and no other option place for me, because I don't think I'll ever know if it is. Maybe I don't need to know either.
So.
It seems sad, somehow, as I said to her, that in the almost-a-year that I left, she's been the only one to voluntarily seek my company personally. Excepting two wedding invites, confirmed before I pulled my disappearing stunt, of course. It seems sad, somehow, that after about a decade of growing up together (give or take a few years here and there, I guess) we still don't have anything much in common to talk about; our lives were never really shared, per se. And so we've drifted apart effortlessly, and funnily enough, it doesn't even feel like anything is missing. Shows you how deep those relationships were, huh? I guess every once in a while, I feel a pang of bitterness at how it might have turned out, if everything were different, but I guess I am who I am; nothing would be much different.
And so here I am. It took 4 months to decide, a month to dither. But, forms are submitted, along with a letter of transfer, and a tiny butterfly of nervousness. No glitches, I hope. Why should there be? But sometimes, me being me, I get anxious and start over-thinking. Funny, I haven't even been 'enrolled' (my brain died, I can't think of a better word) and they've been asking me if I would join the worship team (and trying to answer yes on my behalf) and straightaway all those niggling thoughts jump and overstretch themselves in a race to the finish. Will I, won't I? Because of this, that? But I will not think about it now. Let it sort itself out in its due course. Isn't that what this journey is about? A step at a time, led by Him who keeps us from falling.
And so.
It seems strange to be here, and yet, almost right.
Almost because I don't know anymore if anything is ever perfectly right. I give up on ever saying that this is the absolutely best and no other option place for me, because I don't think I'll ever know if it is. Maybe I don't need to know either.
So.
Sunday, 8 February 2009
Letting go
Sometimes you look at their youthful fervency and wonder, what happened to me? How did I wake up four-and-twenty and jaded? But there is fire in their spirits, and it's a thin line to walk between channeling that fire to God and breaking their wings before flight.
It's a balm to the soul, sometimes, when I do the little I can, and get thanked for nothing. It's like hey, maybe I really did do something right after all. Maybe it's just enough for them that I be there, no matter how useless I feel.
And there - that exposes again that stupid need in me to feel as if I have done something, accomplished something, when over and over again God says there is no need. It's been done! All you have to do now is to come and surrender.
Like I told him, echoing the wise words of leaders past, (was it Tryphena? I forget)
Let go, let God. It's fast becoming an overused cliche.
But it isn't easy letting go of the past. In some way or other, who we are is really a culmination of who we used to be. Our present 'now' wouldn't be the same if we hadn't gone through some of those painful experiences in the past. Yet sometimes the hardest parts of our pasts to let go aren't really the painful ones. Those we sometimes step out of easily, remembering that all our sin and shame has been taken away, redeemed, by Christ on the cross.
The greatest bugbears to give up are often our successes. It's our remembrances of what it used to be like that keeps us worrying and fretting over the future of our 'pet' youth groups or cfs, taking a healthy sense of ownership one step over into possessiveness. That's where pride steps in, saying, if I were there, I would be able to help direct this. I wouldn't have made those stupid mistakes, tolerated those attitudes, allowed those things to happen.
And yet sometimes we need to remember that if our season for it has passed, we must move on and hand the reins to those in position. And though we sometimes wince and think but that's not how it should be, we should always keep in mind that these experiences too will shape them to become who God wants them to be.
It may mean that things might get messy, but God has never called us to be perfect has he?
He's called us to be real.
It's a balm to the soul, sometimes, when I do the little I can, and get thanked for nothing. It's like hey, maybe I really did do something right after all. Maybe it's just enough for them that I be there, no matter how useless I feel.
And there - that exposes again that stupid need in me to feel as if I have done something, accomplished something, when over and over again God says there is no need. It's been done! All you have to do now is to come and surrender.
Like I told him, echoing the wise words of leaders past, (was it Tryphena? I forget)
don't you think that as much as you care for the cf (or isca in this case) that God cares even more?No? And so it comes down again to the issue of letting go.
Let go, let God. It's fast becoming an overused cliche.
But it isn't easy letting go of the past. In some way or other, who we are is really a culmination of who we used to be. Our present 'now' wouldn't be the same if we hadn't gone through some of those painful experiences in the past. Yet sometimes the hardest parts of our pasts to let go aren't really the painful ones. Those we sometimes step out of easily, remembering that all our sin and shame has been taken away, redeemed, by Christ on the cross.
The greatest bugbears to give up are often our successes. It's our remembrances of what it used to be like that keeps us worrying and fretting over the future of our 'pet' youth groups or cfs, taking a healthy sense of ownership one step over into possessiveness. That's where pride steps in, saying, if I were there, I would be able to help direct this. I wouldn't have made those stupid mistakes, tolerated those attitudes, allowed those things to happen.
And yet sometimes we need to remember that if our season for it has passed, we must move on and hand the reins to those in position. And though we sometimes wince and think but that's not how it should be, we should always keep in mind that these experiences too will shape them to become who God wants them to be.
It may mean that things might get messy, but God has never called us to be perfect has he?
He's called us to be real.
Friday, 30 January 2009
a moment of doubt
It's simple questions that make you think again, and think hard, about your faith. Maybe it's a trait I have, for good or for bad, to over-think in so many ways. But it makes it difficult to fill in membership forms with long, open-ended questions, when with every intended sentence, I think of additional information - necessary or not - to add to the fuller theology as I understand it.
I doubt it's necessary.
I doubt that other people stare at these questions for so long and ponder about what to write.
I'm weird that way, though I wish I wasn't.
I've stared at it since yesterday and it's still not yet half filled.
But it boils down again to that question: what do I really believe?
Not just the pretty words, easy to express. What does my worldview truly show? Have I truly embraced the Kingdom and the life of the King, or am I merely splashing in the shallows?
I doubt it's necessary.
I doubt that other people stare at these questions for so long and ponder about what to write.
I'm weird that way, though I wish I wasn't.
I've stared at it since yesterday and it's still not yet half filled.
But it boils down again to that question: what do I really believe?
Not just the pretty words, easy to express. What does my worldview truly show? Have I truly embraced the Kingdom and the life of the King, or am I merely splashing in the shallows?
Tuesday, 13 January 2009
dichotomy
This dichotomy has to stop; this segregation of sacred and secular I keep saying is wrong.
And yet, I maintain two blogs because this one contains things I don't want all my 'regular' readers to read. I have clothes I define as 'okay for church stage', 'okay for church but not for stage' and 'not so okay for church'. There are CD's I think of as 'okay' and 'not to listen when certain people are in the car'.
I'm saying that I should be one. There should be no sacred and secular. And yet there is.
And yet, I maintain two blogs because this one contains things I don't want all my 'regular' readers to read. I have clothes I define as 'okay for church stage', 'okay for church but not for stage' and 'not so okay for church'. There are CD's I think of as 'okay' and 'not to listen when certain people are in the car'.
I'm saying that I should be one. There should be no sacred and secular. And yet there is.
Monday, 12 January 2009
BRP 3 & 5
BRP 3
On the same random thought, as the people were scattered during the uprising of Babel, does it necessarily mean that only the Jews (or the forerunners of the Jews) were the ones who kept the word and knowledge of God?
It seems not, because in a classic foreshadowing, the King of Salem took bread and wine, the Holy Sacraments and blessed Abraham in the name of the Lord. And Abraham gave him his ten percent, acknowledging him as a priest of God.
Gen 14:18
And Melchizedek, king of Salem, the priest of the Most High God, took bread and wine,BRP 5
What made Jacob any better than Esau?
The fact that he desperately wanted the blessings of God for the firstborn whilst Esau saw it as nothing?
Esau didn't have to sell his birthright. Even if Jacob refused to feed him, he could have gone to any of the other tents in Isaac's settlement. Any one of them would go out of their way to do a favour for the obvious heir. Why not? When he got into power, he would have his favourites, wouldn't he? Why not wriggle their way into his favour now in anticipation?
But Esau didn't think of the future. He thought only of his hunger in the now.
In a time where birthright determined your status and all that you would ever have in life, he threw it away for bread and bean stew. How silly.
Gen 25:34
Jacob then gave Esau some bread and some of the bean stew, and when Esau had finished eating and drinking, he just got up and left, showing how little he thought of his rights as the first-born.--
anna
http://natanna.tabulas.com
Sunday, 4 January 2009
and so i said...
I figured I might as well post up what I intended to say during the worship camp. It didn't exactly come out that way, but well... does it ever? I think I will stay writer for a while. It sucks to speak. Here goes:
Backup singers. Vocalists. What do you call yourselves? It doesn’t matter. Keep in mind that there is no distinction in the team. Your role is being there to worship in song and to spur people on to worship. You may have different functions and responsibilities, but ultimately, what you are doing is simply availing yourself for God to use you and your gifts.
The worship team is meant to be that – a team. It sometimes feels as if there are two things going on at the same time… the musicians are working out their chords and the frills… and the vocalists are sitting around, waiting. That’s not how it works. As much as you need them to play right, they need you to sing right. They can’t continue playing if they can’t hear you sing – they won’t know where you are. The guys working the sound system can’t mix you right if they can’t even hear you. They can’t hear you if you’re not even singing. Everything has to work together.
I think one of the main things to remember as the worship team, whether you are playing an instrument or singing, or leading worship, is that this is your sacrifice to God. Yes, in some ways it’s about the music and how it sounds, but the core of it is your heart. You may be in a bad mood, you may not feel like worshipping God, but the fact is that you are on the team – you have a responsibility to lead people into the presence of God, no matter whether you want to or not.
If it were solely the responsibility of the lead worshipper, you wouldn’t need to stand on that stage and hold that mike. The thing is, people are reactive, rarely proactive. They are going to react to what they see, in spite of what they feel. And if they walk into a service and see the vocalists being lackluster and half-hearted, they are not going to be excited about singing to God, no matter how awesome the music is, or how passionate the worship leader is.
On the other hand, there’s a thin line between passionate, proactive worship, bringing your all and mere performance. Charismatic worship is becoming very rote. Fast songs – jump, clap, shout. Slow songs – raise your hands, close your eyes. You know by heart the outward actions and it’s as much tradition as it is church culture. That is something you have to decide. What you have responsibility over is why you do it.
What is the purpose of this? Awesome music, check. Raw emotion, check. Focus? Always remember the purpose of all of this. Your purpose – worshipping Jesus. When the music fades, when all is stripped away, what is there left? Think about that.
If you must have an audience, let it be Jesus alone. Anything other than that, there is no point. Get out, join a band. Go ahead and show off. So this is YOUR sacrifice. It is you, giving up the glory of yourself, for the greater glory of God.
Your responsibility is:
• To know your songs, LYRICS especially
• To practice, practice and practice!
• To be a part of the team
• To bring a worshipping heart
Backup singers. Vocalists. What do you call yourselves? It doesn’t matter. Keep in mind that there is no distinction in the team. Your role is being there to worship in song and to spur people on to worship. You may have different functions and responsibilities, but ultimately, what you are doing is simply availing yourself for God to use you and your gifts.
The worship team is meant to be that – a team. It sometimes feels as if there are two things going on at the same time… the musicians are working out their chords and the frills… and the vocalists are sitting around, waiting. That’s not how it works. As much as you need them to play right, they need you to sing right. They can’t continue playing if they can’t hear you sing – they won’t know where you are. The guys working the sound system can’t mix you right if they can’t even hear you. They can’t hear you if you’re not even singing. Everything has to work together.
I think one of the main things to remember as the worship team, whether you are playing an instrument or singing, or leading worship, is that this is your sacrifice to God. Yes, in some ways it’s about the music and how it sounds, but the core of it is your heart. You may be in a bad mood, you may not feel like worshipping God, but the fact is that you are on the team – you have a responsibility to lead people into the presence of God, no matter whether you want to or not.
If it were solely the responsibility of the lead worshipper, you wouldn’t need to stand on that stage and hold that mike. The thing is, people are reactive, rarely proactive. They are going to react to what they see, in spite of what they feel. And if they walk into a service and see the vocalists being lackluster and half-hearted, they are not going to be excited about singing to God, no matter how awesome the music is, or how passionate the worship leader is.
On the other hand, there’s a thin line between passionate, proactive worship, bringing your all and mere performance. Charismatic worship is becoming very rote. Fast songs – jump, clap, shout. Slow songs – raise your hands, close your eyes. You know by heart the outward actions and it’s as much tradition as it is church culture. That is something you have to decide. What you have responsibility over is why you do it.
What is the purpose of this? Awesome music, check. Raw emotion, check. Focus? Always remember the purpose of all of this. Your purpose – worshipping Jesus. When the music fades, when all is stripped away, what is there left? Think about that.
If you must have an audience, let it be Jesus alone. Anything other than that, there is no point. Get out, join a band. Go ahead and show off. So this is YOUR sacrifice. It is you, giving up the glory of yourself, for the greater glory of God.
Your responsibility is:
• To know your songs, LYRICS especially
Make sure you are familiar with the songs that your leader has selected. You can’t lead people into His presence if you are struggling to remember the tune, or the lyrics. It’s hard to even worship in song if you don’t know what you are singing. Understand the lyrics. DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE SINGING? What does this mean to you? What does it say about God? It’s the easiest to lie to God in a song, because you hardly ever think about what you are singing.
• To practice, practice and practice!
When the musicians are working out their notes or timing or sequence, practice your parts (if you sing parts), get to know the song. As much as the musicians need to practice their instruments and get them in tune and in time/rhythm to play together, your instrument is your voice; SO DO YOU. The musicians can practice like crazy and get that perfect start / stop peak… but if you don’t know when to come in, there’s no point in all that work.
• To be a part of the team
Understand what it means to work together. Listen carefully to each other. Singing as a team is more than just knowing the words and the tune. It’s also knowing how to flow together. Different worship leaders have different styles. Different musicians have different strengths. Some will give you cues; some expect you to dive straight in. Remember – THERE IS NO DIVISION between musicians and vocalists. Learn to resonate with them.
• To bring a worshipping heart
You’ve practiced hard, you’ve done your homework, you’re nervous about singing it right… but when it’s crunch time, give your all and focus on just one thing – bringing worship to Jesus.
Saturday, 3 January 2009
Questions
I wonder why my greatest successes bring me as much embarrassment as my greatest failures. Am I afraid of success? Or am I just afraid of anything at all that will make me different from everyone else, even whilst striving to show that difference, that excellence, just to be noticed?
What is it that drives me to be alone, and yet makes me despise the isolation that I willingly place myself in?
What is it that drives me to seek praise so desperately and yet makes me ashamed, unwilling and embarrassed to receive that praise?Maybe my biggest success is my biggest failure, because I know deep down that I have missed it. That I'm still seeking my own vainglory, no matter how much I tell God it's really for Him.
And maybe even in doing this I am glorying in my own words.
Give us clean hands, give us pure hearts, let us not lift our souls to another.
You search me. You cleanse me.
I can't.
Friday, 2 January 2009
BRP1
On a random thought, is it possible that the story of Adam and Eve is merely that - a story? Or that out of all the people that God made, he chose to tell the story of the lives of one specific couple?
Take it this way - God chose only to tell the story of Israel. He doesn't say much about the other nations, except where their lives intersect with that of His chosen nation. And yet we know that there were many other nations and there were many other lives and many others who had chosen to follow God in their own way and culture. Why not the same with Adam and Eve?
Because even before the story of Adam and Eve, God had already said that He created man in His image, male and female.
Gen 1:27
And God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.Tuesday, 30 December 2008
sacrifice
And so am I writing this for you or am I writing this for me? Is it for me to give up my petty little pride war with myself or am I to pursue empty dreams of pure motives?
Pretty words, surely. I know I'm good at pretty little words, designed to stir up emotions. But are they the right words?
It feels like going out on a limb, saying the stuff I'm intending to say. I don't know if it will ring true, if it will address the right issues at the right moment. But it feels strangely like speaking to myself. It feels like reminding myself that my song is my sacrifice. That that is an area that I will truly have to lay down my pride every single day. And it will cost.
It will cost me the idea of freedom and anonymity. It will cost me the right to live and dress any way that I want to. It will drive from my head every single niggling thought that my voice is my own, that my talent is my own to use as I will. It will crush every diva thought that I am better than you just because of what I can do.
Most of all, it requires that I give up this stupid idea that I cannot serve God because my motives are not as pure as I wish them to be, because this is what it means to give up your all. To make your most precious gift, most beloved part of yourself, to make it His.
Don't show off. Show up.
Pretty words, surely. I know I'm good at pretty little words, designed to stir up emotions. But are they the right words?
It feels like going out on a limb, saying the stuff I'm intending to say. I don't know if it will ring true, if it will address the right issues at the right moment. But it feels strangely like speaking to myself. It feels like reminding myself that my song is my sacrifice. That that is an area that I will truly have to lay down my pride every single day. And it will cost.
It will cost me the idea of freedom and anonymity. It will cost me the right to live and dress any way that I want to. It will drive from my head every single niggling thought that my voice is my own, that my talent is my own to use as I will. It will crush every diva thought that I am better than you just because of what I can do.
Most of all, it requires that I give up this stupid idea that I cannot serve God because my motives are not as pure as I wish them to be, because this is what it means to give up your all. To make your most precious gift, most beloved part of yourself, to make it His.
Don't show off. Show up.
Monday, 22 December 2008
unspeakable
I wish I had more to say about Christmas.
But I can't find words.
I feel like I have things to say, but I don't know how to say it.
So for now it will suffice that I have decided to stay, and stay I will.
How do you describe a feeling that has endless words in your mind that won't stay written, thoughts that are jumbled, and yet so clear, ungraspable if there is such a word.
But clarity is needed, clarity in some ways has come but not in everything.
Maybe that is enough for now.
But I can't find words.
I feel like I have things to say, but I don't know how to say it.
So for now it will suffice that I have decided to stay, and stay I will.
How do you describe a feeling that has endless words in your mind that won't stay written, thoughts that are jumbled, and yet so clear, ungraspable if there is such a word.
But clarity is needed, clarity in some ways has come but not in everything.
Maybe that is enough for now.
Saturday, 20 December 2008
dreams
So I said that I didn't really have any dreams, that I've decided not to think so far into the future. And maybe it's true, or maybe it's not.
Or maybe I deny myself the dreams that I dream because everything I have ever hoped and dreamed for has been buried and crushed and shattered. Maybe there are too many hurts that I cannot overcome, or hurdles that I cannot force myself to face. Maybe I am not good enough, talented enough or persistent enough to see what I dreamed of come true.
Or maybe I have too many dreams, too many things riding along in my head and heart that I don't know which to pursue, or how to go about it. Maybe I have too much wealth of ambition and desires that I cannot grasp all and so I do not grasp anything at all, like the greedy monkey who was trapped because he would not let go of the treasures he grasped in the bottle.
And so I withdraw into my shell and hide, and tell myself that if my motivations are not right, I do not want to do anything that would put me in a situation that would expose the depth and height and width of pride and hypocrisy that I see in myself every day. So maybe I am proud in my abstinence, just as I feared that I would be proud in my participation.
And so maybe, just maybe, I am just thinking too hard again, trying to squeeze out motivations that are or are not there, trying to track down if I glory in myself or if I glory in God, forgetting once again, that when we glorify God, God himself is our glory.
Or maybe I deny myself the dreams that I dream because everything I have ever hoped and dreamed for has been buried and crushed and shattered. Maybe there are too many hurts that I cannot overcome, or hurdles that I cannot force myself to face. Maybe I am not good enough, talented enough or persistent enough to see what I dreamed of come true.
Or maybe I have too many dreams, too many things riding along in my head and heart that I don't know which to pursue, or how to go about it. Maybe I have too much wealth of ambition and desires that I cannot grasp all and so I do not grasp anything at all, like the greedy monkey who was trapped because he would not let go of the treasures he grasped in the bottle.
And so I withdraw into my shell and hide, and tell myself that if my motivations are not right, I do not want to do anything that would put me in a situation that would expose the depth and height and width of pride and hypocrisy that I see in myself every day. So maybe I am proud in my abstinence, just as I feared that I would be proud in my participation.
And so maybe, just maybe, I am just thinking too hard again, trying to squeeze out motivations that are or are not there, trying to track down if I glory in myself or if I glory in God, forgetting once again, that when we glorify God, God himself is our glory.
Thursday, 11 December 2008
The Moab Option
Before Israel was ruled by kings, Elimelech from the tribe of Ephrath lived in the town of Bethlehem Moab
Ruth 1:1-5
The message preached was to stay in the land; stay in the place of God’s covering and planting. Leaving the hedge of God’s protection, as green as the grass may seem on the other side leads to even worse devastation.
Don’t take the
It would have been fairly simple if I had simply stopped going to church. The message then would be ‘go back to church’, except that if I had stopped going to church, I wouldn’t have heard the message. It’s fairly simple to tell one to stay in the land, no matter how bleak it looks. The question I struggle with now is this: Where is the land?
Is it here, or was it there? Did I step out of the land or did I step into it? I have no clue and I don’t know where to look. If feelings were a true indicator of anything, neither one would serve. If rationality were to prevail, I would say the here and the now is the best place for this time. But if you were to look forward to the future and try to see where I would be best placed, like a pawn in a chess game, I would tell you that I don’t know.
I don’t want to make a decision based purely on emotions neither do I want to make it based on sheer rationality. I’ve made those before and what may seem rational may not exactly be right. Neither is what’s emotional. Added to that, I don’t know what I really feel anymore; it could be hormones or guilt or God.
It doesn’t make sense, this decision, and yet it does. Why do I always feel as if it’s time to give up everything and move again just when I’m finally being settled? Just when I’m finally beginning to be comfortable with myself and think that maybe this time, just maybe I can belong? Is it something in my psyche that tells me it’s not okay to be comfortable or happy? That it’s better to be one, alone?
Is this exile temporary or permanent, self-inflicted or God-led? Is it even exile? It could very well be the Promised Land. It’s not as if I have forsaken the company of the saints. If anything, I have aligned myself to the company of those that have taken me in unconditionally.
But where do I go from here? Do I make a decision now to commit, to stay, build and grow or do I return to where awkwardness and bitterness still roots in my heart?
Maybe the answer is as they say; to stay until I am sure that I am to leave. Until I have comfort in leaving. The other question then arises: if this were a command from God, what then would this disobedience cost me? And yet I don’t know one way or another which is God and which is me and which or all could be the Enemy’s victory.
Don’t take the
Saturday, 1 November 2008
disassociation
So disassociation is the watchword, where I am still too linked to where I don't want to be and yet too distant from where I am.
Can you truly disassociate from your past?
Or will it follow you like a ball and chain?
I have forgotten how to disengage.
Yet I have not yet learnt to engage.
Can you truly disassociate from your past?
Or will it follow you like a ball and chain?
I have forgotten how to disengage.
Yet I have not yet learnt to engage.
Thursday, 23 October 2008
big things
I guess it was a little thing, but sometimes, little things are BIG things, you know?
It was just a comment on Genesis 3:21, where it goes: "And LORD God made garments of skin for Adam and his wife, and clothed them." She gave a comment to the effect that it was a little thing, like you know, just to care that Adam and Eve had clothes to wear.
Then this thing goes off in my brain saying "No, you idiot, it's a BIG thing. Think! That was the FIRST shedding of blood. God kills something. His. Own. Creation. Don'tyougeddit. It's the first sacrifice. Of course it's a BIG thing. There is no such thing as 'well, He could have let them go off naked and not covered their sin'. It wasn't a spur of the moment thing. It was part of the plan."
And I don't know why I was so uptight about it. I mean, interpretation, yes? She was looking at it from a different angle. I guess she was looking at it from the angle of how God must have been so disappointed when Adam and Eve sinned. How He must have felt. Yeah, I know. He must have felt devastated. And yet when you think of it this way, that the Lamb was slain before the beginning of time, you know that He knew it would happen. Doesn't make it any less devastating, but He already had his plan in place. And that first sacrifice was necessary. To purge them of their sin before they stepped out of Eden. To demonstrate to them sacrifice, and the purification of blood. To set the tone at the top.
I don't really know what I'm getting at.
All I know is that it was a big thing, and you can't make big things small.
It was just a comment on Genesis 3:21, where it goes: "And LORD God made garments of skin for Adam and his wife, and clothed them." She gave a comment to the effect that it was a little thing, like you know, just to care that Adam and Eve had clothes to wear.
Then this thing goes off in my brain saying "No, you idiot, it's a BIG thing. Think! That was the FIRST shedding of blood. God kills something. His. Own. Creation. Don'tyougeddit. It's the first sacrifice. Of course it's a BIG thing. There is no such thing as 'well, He could have let them go off naked and not covered their sin'. It wasn't a spur of the moment thing. It was part of the plan."
And I don't know why I was so uptight about it. I mean, interpretation, yes? She was looking at it from a different angle. I guess she was looking at it from the angle of how God must have been so disappointed when Adam and Eve sinned. How He must have felt. Yeah, I know. He must have felt devastated. And yet when you think of it this way, that the Lamb was slain before the beginning of time, you know that He knew it would happen. Doesn't make it any less devastating, but He already had his plan in place. And that first sacrifice was necessary. To purge them of their sin before they stepped out of Eden. To demonstrate to them sacrifice, and the purification of blood. To set the tone at the top.
I don't really know what I'm getting at.
All I know is that it was a big thing, and you can't make big things small.
Sunday, 12 October 2008
by the fireplace: life. passion. dilemma
Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails.
Proverbs 19:21
Life
To summarize life at the moment, the perfect word would be “restless”. It’s as if I’m tired – of what exactly, I can’t tell you. Yet the feeling is there, that there has to be something more than this endless life cycle of work, sleep, work, sleep and weekend.
It’s not as if I’m struggling at work. Work is good – I got my promotion and I’m getting through the why am I so stupid now phase while I adjust to the new responsibilities and expectations. In fact, leaving my job now, just when everything is going right, would be downright stupid. So why do I feel as if I need to break out somewhere? Why do I feel as if I’m fed-up?
Church wise, I’m a little stuck. I don’t know if I should go forward, go backward, or stay where I am, if that makes sense. I had felt it was time to move on from here, but I didn’t know if I should go back or keep searching. And then suddenly I find myself in a position where it is desirable to stay. As if something is finally beckoning me, and I am finally being built in. And yet, I don’t know if it’s strong enough.
On the other hand, places and faces are beckoning and there is always that feeling that anywhere is better than here. Funny, that I who felt so strongly that I should come back to Penang am currently feeling the strongest urge ever to leave it. To run away. To fly, and never look back.
Passion
The thing is, I know my passion. I want to write. Dance. Sing. Act. I don’t know that I have anything else that I want to do. And yet, it is too many. I don’t know whether I can do all, or if I have to choose some. And even then, I don’t know if my passion is strong enough to bring me through, or if I have talent enough to sustain me.
Dilemma
And that is it. I don’t know what I want and I don’t know how to get it. How can I get it if I don’t know what it is?
And in the end, what I really want is to make what I have count for God, and yet, I don’t know how when I’m not even actually doing anything. Sometimes, it’s as if people’s testimonies seem so easy. They knew what God was saying and they went for it. Sometimes I don’t think I know what God is saying. And everything is like a blur. It could be this, or it could be that, but I don’t know. I just don’t.
So we lash out at God, when we are the ones who are not listening
I’m trying to put a positive spin on this, I am. I don’t like to end a fireplace on a negative note.
But sometimes, to be honest, you can’t give people what they are expecting, and that is something I am dealing with right now. I am dealing with the fact that so many of the things that I want to do or think I should do, and even the things that I don’t do, or hide, is due to the reality that I have grown up with a mindset of always thinking of other people first. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, but to always have in your mind “but what will so-and-so say” when deciding the next course of action is not a very good thing either.
And so maybe that is the first step in solving all this life, passion, dilemma storm: to stop worrying about what other church members, miscellaneous friends or so-and-so’s will say, but to hang the inhibitions and go for it.
I mean, I may not have the exact right next step, but at least it’s a start?
Proverbs 19:21
Life
To summarize life at the moment, the perfect word would be “restless”. It’s as if I’m tired – of what exactly, I can’t tell you. Yet the feeling is there, that there has to be something more than this endless life cycle of work, sleep, work, sleep and weekend.
It’s not as if I’m struggling at work. Work is good – I got my promotion and I’m getting through the why am I so stupid now phase while I adjust to the new responsibilities and expectations. In fact, leaving my job now, just when everything is going right, would be downright stupid. So why do I feel as if I need to break out somewhere? Why do I feel as if I’m fed-up?
Church wise, I’m a little stuck. I don’t know if I should go forward, go backward, or stay where I am, if that makes sense. I had felt it was time to move on from here, but I didn’t know if I should go back or keep searching. And then suddenly I find myself in a position where it is desirable to stay. As if something is finally beckoning me, and I am finally being built in. And yet, I don’t know if it’s strong enough.
On the other hand, places and faces are beckoning and there is always that feeling that anywhere is better than here. Funny, that I who felt so strongly that I should come back to Penang am currently feeling the strongest urge ever to leave it. To run away. To fly, and never look back.
Passion
The thing is, I know my passion. I want to write. Dance. Sing. Act. I don’t know that I have anything else that I want to do. And yet, it is too many. I don’t know whether I can do all, or if I have to choose some. And even then, I don’t know if my passion is strong enough to bring me through, or if I have talent enough to sustain me.
Dilemma
And that is it. I don’t know what I want and I don’t know how to get it. How can I get it if I don’t know what it is?
And in the end, what I really want is to make what I have count for God, and yet, I don’t know how when I’m not even actually doing anything. Sometimes, it’s as if people’s testimonies seem so easy. They knew what God was saying and they went for it. Sometimes I don’t think I know what God is saying. And everything is like a blur. It could be this, or it could be that, but I don’t know. I just don’t.
So we lash out at God, when we are the ones who are not listening
I’m trying to put a positive spin on this, I am. I don’t like to end a fireplace on a negative note.
But sometimes, to be honest, you can’t give people what they are expecting, and that is something I am dealing with right now. I am dealing with the fact that so many of the things that I want to do or think I should do, and even the things that I don’t do, or hide, is due to the reality that I have grown up with a mindset of always thinking of other people first. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, but to always have in your mind “but what will so-and-so say” when deciding the next course of action is not a very good thing either.
And so maybe that is the first step in solving all this life, passion, dilemma storm: to stop worrying about what other church members, miscellaneous friends or so-and-so’s will say, but to hang the inhibitions and go for it.
I mean, I may not have the exact right next step, but at least it’s a start?
Sunday, 14 September 2008
impressions
Muted. Flashily performance. Upscale elite. Not-for-the-masses. Too much background noise. Concert. What on earth happened to spell-check? Distracted. No raw passion. Bad mixing. Flat.
Maybe I have not disengaged enough to go back with a clear mind.
Thought for the day: are you taking offense at the church or on behalf of? And why?
Interestingly, Ps Charles Curtis made this comment on joining and fitting into the church: is God joining you to the church?
And it brings back that point that yes, try as you wish to fit in, if God is joining you in, you will belong and if He is not, you won't. So the question that comes again is this: where do I belong?
Quiet entry, quiet exit.
If only I was not intent on avoidance.
Maybe I have not disengaged enough to go back with a clear mind.
Thought for the day: are you taking offense at the church or on behalf of? And why?
Interestingly, Ps Charles Curtis made this comment on joining and fitting into the church: is God joining you to the church?
And it brings back that point that yes, try as you wish to fit in, if God is joining you in, you will belong and if He is not, you won't. So the question that comes again is this: where do I belong?
Quiet entry, quiet exit.
If only I was not intent on avoidance.
Friday, 12 September 2008
by the fireplace: faith
Psalm 131:1-3
O LORD, my heart is not lifted up, my eyes are not raised too high; I do not occupy myself with things too great and too marvelous for me.
But I have calmed and quieted my soul, like a weaned child with its mother; my soul is like the weaned child that is with me.
O Israel, hope in the LORD from this time on and forevermore.
What faith is this that makes one hope where no hope is humanly possible? What faith is this that makes one hold on to dreams that are rapidly slipping away? And yet while the mind cannot fathom, the heart still believes. Or tries to.
I have been somewhat randomly following the story of Yi-Jien’s disappearance (for want of a better word) through the online news and Karcy’s blog. I don’t know why I care, really. I barely know him. My personal contact with him probably consists of an add on Facebook, and the furthest extent of our contact was through the now-defunct Phases Mailing List. Maybe as Karcy mentioned, “I also don't know why I'm so upset about Yi Jien, to be honest. There are a number of people I know who have passed away. Some are closer to me. I could move on easily. Maybe it's the missing business. Maybe it's the uncertainty of knowing whether God is in charge of all of this, if He's just leading us to false hopes, or if He is real at all.”
It’s this absence of closure. I don’t know what it is between me, faith and closure. There’s this constant tension that wants any evidence, even a body, to finalise things. And yet it seems that there are too many people who have had (or said they have had) visions of seeing him alive, that the faith part rises hoping that he comes home alive, to prove yet again that our God is real. But will it really make any difference to me?
Taking it nearer home, there are things that I am hoping, wishing and praying for. At times, I have faith to believe that it’s right, that it’s time, and that God will grant me what I desire. At the same time, I have this niggling worry that I am wanting something that isn’t God’s best – that I am rushing things, or grasping at straws. And yet I don’t know. I’ve placed my heart too far into a situation that I know only time can tell. Still, the promise of His faithfulness is there, and I know through experience that as long as I bide His time, I will emerge unscathed. Maybe not “untouched” in a sense, I know that if it doesn’t come true there will be disappointment and hurt, but not shattered.
Maybe that’s what surrendering to God really is about. Taking your hopes and dreams and putting them on the line with God and telling him, this is what I’m hoping for, but it’s okay if You don’t grant them because I know what You have planned will be way better than this, and then watching as He takes what you’ve given Him and shapes it into what He wants to give you.
So what faith is this that makes one hope where no hope is humanly possible? What faith is this that makes one hold on to dreams that are rapidly slipping away?
The faith that comes from knowing who your God is.
O LORD, my heart is not lifted up, my eyes are not raised too high; I do not occupy myself with things too great and too marvelous for me.
But I have calmed and quieted my soul, like a weaned child with its mother; my soul is like the weaned child that is with me.
O Israel, hope in the LORD from this time on and forevermore.
What faith is this that makes one hope where no hope is humanly possible? What faith is this that makes one hold on to dreams that are rapidly slipping away? And yet while the mind cannot fathom, the heart still believes. Or tries to.
I have been somewhat randomly following the story of Yi-Jien’s disappearance (for want of a better word) through the online news and Karcy’s blog. I don’t know why I care, really. I barely know him. My personal contact with him probably consists of an add on Facebook, and the furthest extent of our contact was through the now-defunct Phases Mailing List. Maybe as Karcy mentioned, “I also don't know why I'm so upset about Yi Jien, to be honest. There are a number of people I know who have passed away. Some are closer to me. I could move on easily. Maybe it's the missing business. Maybe it's the uncertainty of knowing whether God is in charge of all of this, if He's just leading us to false hopes, or if He is real at all.”
It’s this absence of closure. I don’t know what it is between me, faith and closure. There’s this constant tension that wants any evidence, even a body, to finalise things. And yet it seems that there are too many people who have had (or said they have had) visions of seeing him alive, that the faith part rises hoping that he comes home alive, to prove yet again that our God is real. But will it really make any difference to me?
Taking it nearer home, there are things that I am hoping, wishing and praying for. At times, I have faith to believe that it’s right, that it’s time, and that God will grant me what I desire. At the same time, I have this niggling worry that I am wanting something that isn’t God’s best – that I am rushing things, or grasping at straws. And yet I don’t know. I’ve placed my heart too far into a situation that I know only time can tell. Still, the promise of His faithfulness is there, and I know through experience that as long as I bide His time, I will emerge unscathed. Maybe not “untouched” in a sense, I know that if it doesn’t come true there will be disappointment and hurt, but not shattered.
Maybe that’s what surrendering to God really is about. Taking your hopes and dreams and putting them on the line with God and telling him, this is what I’m hoping for, but it’s okay if You don’t grant them because I know what You have planned will be way better than this, and then watching as He takes what you’ve given Him and shapes it into what He wants to give you.
So what faith is this that makes one hope where no hope is humanly possible? What faith is this that makes one hold on to dreams that are rapidly slipping away?
The faith that comes from knowing who your God is.
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