Constantly caught between joy and jealousy

I don't know if it makes sense to you, but at times I find myself caught in this web of being happy and yet jealous at the same time. The thing is, it's getting more frequent.

Every girl reaches a point in her life where she starts dreaming about The One. Okay, not the Matrix, or God, but the significant other in her life. Some girls are fortunate - they don't have to dream much because they've found him (or he's found her, if you look at it that way). But on the other hand, if you've reached the age where everyone else is hooking up / has hooked up / is going to propose / get proposed to, and you're still single...

It's funny, I suppose, because I am happy that they are together, and yet I am jealous because they are. Ah, love.

Rock concert worship?

Something to ponder about:

What's amazing about worship is that it pleases God—when we're worshiping Him, of course—and it pleases us, too. Many Christians experience a sense of God's nearness as well as His transcendence when worshipping Him. He envelops us. He's both close and huge, sort of like He's … onstage?

Rock concerts, like a church service, proffer something approximating a transcendent experience. And that experience is reinforced by sharing it with hundreds or thousands of other "believers." A concert invites us to lose ourselves for a little while, to surrender to the incredible sensation of music pounding ours bodies as well as the intensity of the feelings that the music itself may stir up inside of us. A good show distills the essence of an artist into something tangible, present, concrete, enthralling. It's a powerful feeling for those of us who are wired to appreciate it.

...Just as worship in church invites believers to experience God's nearness and transcendence, a rock concert allows fans to see their favorite artist up close, in the flesh. At the same time, the lights, the sound, the stage, the massive video screens, the pyrotechnics—all of those theatrical elements present a singer or a band in a way that treats them more like superheroes than human beings. We don't call them rock gods, guitar heroes or American Idols for nothing.

Our English word worship is actually derived from an Old English term we no longer use: worthship. As the word implies, worthship denotes the act of ascribing worth to something, of communicating its value. Literally, then, when we worship, we say, "This is good. This is right. This is worth celebrating and living for." And isn't that exactly what happens when we scream in adulation for two hours when Miley Cyrus takes the stage? (Or James Taylor, for that matter—not to let you boomers off the hook.)

We simply can't not worship. We will ascribe honor and glory to the things we find most beautiful and compelling and worthy of praise in our lives. Whether we realize it or not, the yearning, the sense of anticipation, the energy, the connection we feel with other fans at a concert are all shadows of our hearts' desire to experience God and express our praise to Him. And when we don't know how to offer our lives in worship to Him (or, worse, refuse to do so), we'll naturally seek out the best substitutes we can find.

taken from Worship at 130dB

Makes sense?

The thing I worry about sometimes is if church worship becomes a rock concert. In which case, it's hard to differentiate if we are worshiping the music or worshiping God. At least in a rock concert, the distinction is clear.

Heart

There are times that I protest (to myself) that I know what I'm doing and yet at the same time, another voice questions do I really?

The answer is sometimes I do and sometimes I don't, but the heart of the matter remains pursuing the heart of God. It's a matter of pursuing the songs on my heart, even though sometimes the songs may be new. The songs may be difficult. But these are the songs of God for the moment. Maybe for me personally, maybe for the Church as a whole. I don't know. I just sing.

What I know is that this morning, I couldn't stop crying. I am majorly stressed and my body is telling me all about it. I wanted to cancel out, I wanted to be that irresponsible, shirking person I always get irritated at and want to slap, but I am glad I didn't. Because I stepped into church, and they were practicing my song, and everything changed.

There is power in praise and there is power in worship and there is great power in the Name of Jesus. When I picked the songs on Wednesday night (or was it Thursday?) it was just a song that was hanging around in my head, and I was going yes, that would be a great song, a great theme. Then I got buried in a load of work and stress and I looked at the songs and went, yes that's what I need. I need to know that His Name is my strong tower and my shelter and I can run to it to be safe. I need to know that His love is amazing and that it's wide and deep and great and I can't understand it, but I know it.

I wanted to title this post 'chicken' because I have been chicken (and I love chicken. nyum! ahha) but then again, I'm finding my way. I'm finding the steps He has prepared and it doesn't matter if I'm a little chicken once in a while because it just makes Him all the bigger.

Today Ps Margaret from TCC spoke in church and she said that she felt there were a lot of people at crossroads in their lives right now. And then it struck me. A few months ago when they were last up from Singapore, I was still ambivalent. I was in the worship team, yes, but I was still wondering if I really was in the wrong place. Whether I should actually be packing my bags and heading off to the holy grail of Malaysia and I asked her to pray with me. I don't remember the actual words she said, but was something like God doesn't ask you to stay for nothing but to ask God to give me something to stay for.

I think I have.

giving ALL

It's hard to put into words precisely the way I feel. There's a maelstrom of words, of phrases, of thoughts, and when all this noise comes together, it negates each other resulting in sheer speechlessness. (It could also be the headache I'm getting for reading in bed while my hair was wet).
The longer I take to write it out, the more it seems to jam inside, like... constipation. (I'm hungry. Being hungry also makes my brain shut down).

The thing is, a lot of the things I want to say are negative. But maybe negativity is not the right thing for the moment. I get the vibe that there are too many negative comments, too many but-it-shouldn't-bes, too many put-downs. Maybe what we need now are constructive comments, suggestions for improvement, timely reminders; just people who will pull together and work together with concerted effort.

Definitely there is much to be done. Obviously there is much that is lacking. Practically... it's time to just get on with what needs to be done. Just DO it, like Nike lambastes us (I'm not sure if that is the right word, but my head still hurts). There isn't space or time for worrying about why other people aren't doing it, and why they should be - but to just give all that we have out of the revelation that we have.

Me being the ever-neurotic, self-doubting person, I started to wonder if I was merely putting on a show every week when I was on duty because the most persistent comment I received was about me being lively on stage. (That doesn't sound very well put together but never mind.) The thing is, God's presence sometimes seems so illusory, so vague and ungraspable, but I want that. I want all that I've ever felt and experienced in worship elsewhere to be so tangible and real right here as well. But it seems so hard to catch. I think I am a rather all-or-nothing person.

Worship is expressive. I can't be on stage and not express. I can't sing a worship song and not try to catch that glimpse of God. I can't sing a praise song and not want to clap my hands or dance. (Though I'm getting old and tired and out of shape.) Sometimes it seems fake. Yes it does. I'm not denying it. Sometimes it's an effort, just saying, I'm so tired right now and this is just a repetition of the last few weeks. But there is a crying out.

Anyways.

There was this bit in Darlene Zschech's book, Extravagant Worship, that I had been rereading a while ago. And I wanted to share it, but I didn't, and now, I've lost it again, but (and here I'm rambling because I'm tired) I guess what I wanted to say is that worship really needs to be wholehearted. To quote (the book):

In 2 Chronicles, Solomon often refers to the whole-hearted devotion of King David and the men and women of God that served in the House. A whole-hearted approach releases God's hand.

These passages of Scripture talk about King Amaziah and his reign. The first half of the book is all about victory, talking about his obedience to God, and the second half is all about his defeat and his disobedience. Right in the middle there, I noticed the Scripture where it says that 'he served well as in the eyes of the Lord but not wholeheartedly'. I wonder whether or not his half-hearted attitude was the start of his decline? He was seen doing the right thing (he served well) but his approach was not whole-hearted and that was the issue. King Amaziah's heart wandered and he started to walk in disobedience.

God's hand is limited when your heard is misdirected. Anything you desire to be great at needs to be approached wholeheartedly. When it comes to living as a worshipper in His House, there is no other way.

I do what I do because that is what giving my all entails. My all includes hands that clap until they turn red, singing until I am hoarse, jumping until I am out of breath. Even when I wonder why I do the things I do, I realise that for me, not to do them would be more of a fakery than when I do. It would be half-hearted worship.

I should stop here because I'm beginning to ramble.

And yet, so much more to vomit out... (oh headache, go away)

pharisees

Mat 3:7–10
But when he [John the Baptist] saw many of the Pharisees and Sadducees coming to his baptism, he said to them, "You brood of vipers! Who warned you to flee from the wrath to come? Bear fruit in keeping with repentance. And do not presume to say to yourselves, 'We have Abraham as our father,' for I tell you, God is able from these stones to raise up children for Abraham. Even now the axe is laid to the root of the trees. Every tree therefore that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire.”

It’s easy enough for us to dismiss this as a warning against the Pharisees and Sadducees (religious authorities) of that day, or to think that this warning only applies for the Jews who believe that as God’s chosen people, they are the only ones who will be saved. Have you ever pondered about its application to modern Christians today? We have whole families whose generations are all Christians, from the grandparents to grandchildren (or more). We call them 2nd, 3rd or 4th generation Christians, etc. Churchianity is on the rise, evidenced by modern exhortations that ‘being born in a Christian family doesn’t make you a Christian as much as being born in MacDonald’s doesn’t make you a burger’ (or garage / car, you get the drift).

Think about it.

You brood of vipers! Who warned you to flee from the wrath to come? Bear fruit in keeping with repentance. And do not presume to say to yourselves, “We are faithful church-goers,” for I tell you, God is able from these stones to raise up followers of Christ. Even now the axe is laid to the root of the trees. Every tree therefore that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire.

blah and balderdash

I don't know how to explain where I am right now, though Ben would say that I do know and I just don't want to say it.

Fine, if it makes it any clearer, I am at a place where I want to strike out on my own and do the things I have always told myself that I wanted to do, and YET I am in a conviction where I know I am supposed to stay.

And maybe all the things I should be letting go is the things that I've always said I wanted to do; the drama, the dance, the self-seeking glorification muddled up in words that paint it all for the glory of God.

The question that presents itself then is: what am I staying FOR?

And there lies my weakness. Because I want a reason for staying. Because I want someone to tell me, if I stay, what I will get out of it. Will I be able to build? Will I be able to find love? Will I be able to grow and nurture the things I have a passion for? Will I be truly be doing God's will?

And I need to know this because if I leave, I know why I am leaving. I know that in going, there are things that I will be able to do. I will be closer to my network of friends, I will be purposefully and intentionally seeking to put myself in a position to hone my skills. Skills that people tell me I have, that I have erratic faith in, and in which I hardly know what to do with, and yet skills that I firmly believe are good and useful but which people often ignore and put down.

It doesn't help that you talk about job merits and job environment and job prospects and job this and that, because that REALLY ISN'T the factor at all.

It's difficult for me to put this in words, because I tend to gloss over the things that really need to be said. There's this thing in me that argues about pursuing God's will and how overly super-spiritual that sounds and how tacky and how it doesn't do anything to help in the discussion BECAUSE every time you use that phrase "GOD'S WILL" people will just go "okay" and you NEVER EVER get to anything more useful, like maybe, "why am I covering up this thing in pretending that I heard from God?" or even "how do I even know it's God or if it's me?"

If you get what I mean.

Which, if you've been in the same position, all you will tell me is to pray, and to which I will tell you, pray to what purpose? Pray to what end? It all comes back to the same thing, which in effect is, I am running away. And yet there is a dissatisfaction to the conclusion as if maybe there is something wrong in my lines of thinking. Maybe there is a fault line in this world view of mine that I just can't see. And it doesn't help that you give me vague answers and vague advice because all it does is add to the confusion. It doesn't help when you say to let go of everything because I don't know what there is to let go anymore. I don't know what there is left to say. I've gone from knowing to not knowing to knowing to not knowing to coming to the conclusion that it doesn't really matter and still I need a conclusion. I need a closure. I need a definitive solution which is not coming.

And which, if you've never been in the same position, would just write it off as super spiritual blathering.

Maybe I am afraid of having any passion at all. Or having too many. Because nothing ever works out for me.

indecision

Indecision paralyses you.
More often than not, it's the waiting for a decision, or waiting for a clue or answer to make a decision that kills you and demotivates you more than if you just decided on the spur of the moment.

I've been playing the waiting game, wondering if there is a right or wrong decision, a better or worse one. And frankly, this over-thinking and over-analysing is driving me nuts.

I need downtime. Desperately.

Worship: missing in expression.

The problem always seems to be this inability to build, as if there is something blocking the worship team from fully releasing from the depths of their souls the worship, the music, the song that is dying to be born from their hearts. There is an invisible ceiling in the midst of worship - and I am referring to the 'slow worship songs' - that prevents us, intangibly, from pushing higher, pressing deeper. If I may put it so: there is no abandonment in worship.

What do I mean by abandonment? I don't mean that each and everyone goes their own way, doing their own thing, playing up their own strengths and showing off - that is chaos, even if it's only musical chaos. What I mean is the ability to be the best and giving the best in worship. There's always this feeling, this atmosphere of holding back, of waiting, of... I'm not sure if you can call it shyness, but something akin to it, in the midst of worship. It's as if we dare not go further, we dare not expose our hearts and souls and emotions to God - or maybe to the people around us?

Because of that, there is no life in our worship. Praise isn't so similarly affected. People (sort of) expect praise songs to be exuberant, loud, joyful. And it is so... but only in a very marginal sort of way. It's as if (and I seem to be using this term a lot) people, even the worship team - or is that especially? - seem to believe that there is this rote form, this style to the worship session. It becomes just that - a form or procedure. It's time to sing. Raise your hands. Sit down now. Stand up now. I'll enjoy the songs (or not). Or maybe I'll criticise the worship leader (or not). And everything seems to hinge on the worship leader.

"Oh, he chose lousy songs." Or "he chose songs I didn't know. I couldn't worship." So what? Maybe you weren't so comfortable with the words or the melody. Maybe you didn't know the song at all. Even so, your heart can still worship even if your lips stumble over the words. It doesn't mean that you then pull back. (On the other hand, not knowing the song is not a good excuse for the worship team. How can you lead people in worship when you yourself do not know what you're singing?)

And because there is no life, no abandonment and no passion, worship is pushed aside as unimportant. It's just the prelude to the Word. Or is it because it is considered unimportant that no one bothers to inject the life of God into it? Yes, there is an emphasis on the word during the service - which is good, and which is right, I am not denying that - but this does not and should not negate the importance of corporate worship in song. (As an aside, considering that generally the word 'worship' is associated with singing, why then is the church service called a "Worship Celebration" when the worship is barely alive, and hardly celebratory?)

Yes, the recently popular catchphrase is that "worship is a lifestyle". It's not just about the songs we sing. It's more than the conventional "singing part of church service". Yet in saying that, we then place no importance at all in the power of corporate worship to change and transform. People may claim that it's only an 'emotional' thing. True - most of it may affect our emotional being more than our mental will or physical being - and yet we ARE emotional beings. Our decisions are coloured by our emotions, and when our emotions are in line with our mental or spiritual will, it is much, much easier to obey and follow God. It doesn't rest on emotions alone, but it is still a very important factor in our total well-being and decision-making.

Another point on emotions - we always talk of the Christian faith as a relationship with God. What is a relationship if there are no emotions involved? How would you express love and devotion, hopes and dreams and fears? Aren't these part of emotions? Isn't part of love really an emotional feeling as well? Worship - whether corporate or private - in song is a way to express this. You know how we criticise those people on Malaysian Idol / American Idol who are so wooden / expressionless in their singing? Someone may have a perfectly good voice, but just because they do not seem to 'express' the song or 'feel' the song, we say that their performance lacks power, lacks presence... there is just something missing, no matter how nice it sounds. This is the same in the worship team. No, it's not a performance, and yet it cannot be dead. It cannot! Worship is an expression. It needs to express. It cannot be hidden or smothered, or made pretty. If it is, it's not worship. It's not praise. It's just... performance, and probably a very bad one at that.

But coming back to the power of corporate worship - if this isn't important, if there is nothing to this, why indeed did Paul urge the Ephesians in Eph 5:19 to "(speak) to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody with your heart to the Lord"? Why are there 150 Psalms (songs) recorded in the middle of the Bible? Remember - Paul and Silas were singing in the prison when God sent an earthquake to shake the foundations of the prison and release them. What did Joshua have the priests do at the walls of Jericho? They were blowing the trumpets before the Lord.

But, if we rank mission over worship or worship over mission, we end up sabotaging both; worship and mission are equally and intrinsically linked. If worship is merely the thing that makes us feel good, feel “full” so we can go and do the important, active stuff, we lose. On the other hand, if mission is the thing that’s flippantly tacked onto our faith, we lose. Either way, our definitions of worship and mission are sickly and insufficient. We are missing the engaging, challenging, and courageous call of the Church to enact both.

(Your Worship Isn't Enough; Trevor & Bonnie McMaken; Relevant Magazine)

There's more to this whole worship thing that we haven't even touched base with. We don't even know what's there to be discovered. Our definition of worship is definitely lacking. And most times, we don't even realise that. We don't feel the ceiling that's over our heads, we don't understand the importance of it, and we don't even see that there is something wanting.

Today, the songs were well chosen. There was flow, there was easy transition, there was a sense that we were moving in a direction, that maybe this would be more than the usual set of songs, that maybe we would really touch God. And then when it could have gone on, when we could have pushed, when we could have built, when it could have peaked, we fell flat again. We hit that invisible ceiling and we plateaued, and we hardly even realised it.

You know what I realised I've been missing? The loud roar of prayer, of singing in tongues, the exuberance of God's people singing and praying at the top of their lungs right in the midst of worship; that wall of praise and the wail of the shofa in Metro Tabernacle. It took some getting used to, but you take it away with you and everything else seems so mousy.

trajectory

I don't have to hear it, if I don't want to
I can drown this out, pull the curtains down on you
It's a heavy world, it's too much for me to care
If I close my eyes, it's not there

[Headphones | Jars of Clay]

Things have a way of building up, sometimes. A culmination of things ignored, things hoped for, things forgotten, things built up coming to naught. There is always the dream, always out of reach, like a phantom slipping through tired, buttery fingers. Where do you draw the line and say this is it, "I can'ts take it no more" and fight for what you truly desire?

I've said things before that I sincerely believed in. The problem is, now I'm not so sure. Back in October 2009, after the iBridge camp, I said with all sincerity,

Say as much as I wish, there is a locality to my dreams. Yes, I want to build a drama team. But I want to build it here, in Penang. Yes, I want to be a part of a larger vision in the GCF. But I want that to be here, in Penang. I don’t want to always be wishing to be elsewhere.
I guess in the end, a substantial part of my dream is for my dreams to be present here.

At times I don’t believe in it. It hurts when people say, so why don’t you move there? Why don’t you go to such and such a place to study/work? I do want to. But if I go, who will build here?
And if this is my sacrifice for now, so be it.

And I believed it, but there was always that war inside, the voice that said why not go and the voice that protested, but you should stay. And now the internal voice asks again, 'yes, your dream may be to build here, but does that dream say it is to build now?' What's to say that I should not go now and come back later? And yet if you had said that to me four years ago, I would have said no; I need to be back there, back in Penang.

Yesterday, we had a GCF Chinese New Year meet up and during the ice-breaker, we shared where we were from and where we were currently located. I realised that a lot of Penangites are extremely proud of of their island (i.e. I was born in Penang, raised in Penang, living / working in Penang) and I realise that I don't really share that. I don't know why. And it comes to this thought: am I only here (and saying that I need to be here) because I was not ready to leave? Forgive the mixed tenses; the division between past and present is still fuzzy.

I wasted another year, waiting for the words

For things to be more clear

[Forgive me | Jars of Clay]

Maybe it boils down to timing. I have been here because despite my desires, I was not ready to leave. And maybe now I wish to leave, because I am ready. Does that make sense; inasmuch as anything in this life makes sense?

There's been an increasing sense of wasting the years, as if there should be more that can and should be done; as if I am waiting for something to materialise that just won't. Things that I said I should be doing always seems to fall flat again and again. I don't know if it's because I am in the wrong place, or the wrong time, or I'm doing the wrong thing - I could be missing the point totally. The thing is that I don't know.

Nothing is clear enough, but I doubt that it will ever be. And if I keep on waiting for it to be defined, I may be stuck here forever.

Does it have to start with a broken heart

Broken dreams and bleeding parts

We were young and world was clear

But young ambition disappears

I swore it would never come to this

The average, the obvious

[Burn Out Bright | Switchfoot]

I don't know where this next year will take me; whether I will stay or I will leave. Right now, I've given up knowing. Spiritual spins can be put on it both ways - either the Devil is distracting me or God is revealing His plans - so I'll not bother with those. I think I'm becoming increasingly disillusioned with know-it-all statements that "God Has Spoken" and taking events / conversations / happenings as "Signs From God." It's all in the interpretation anyway.

But right now, there are two options open.

One, a highway to dreams, if I take it, though I have no comfort in knowing if the dreams will be fulfilled. Yet it's these castles that capture me, the visions of a life I can build in kayell: A (hopefully) lightweight job. Time to write. Performing arts. Dance classes. Friends. Recreating a life of my own.

Two, to press on here again and again, with no comfort that any of the things I want to do will ever come to pass.

Would you blame me for wanting to leave?

If we've only got one try

If we've only got one life

If time was never on our side

Then before I die

I want to burn out bright

[Burn Out Bright | Switchfoot]

Link, and comment.

Attack against one faith is an attack against all faiths.

Agreed:

Any attack on any faith in Malaysia is an attack on all faiths in Malaysia. We express our solidarity with the Sirratulrahim Surau in Kampung Sabak Awor and Parit Beting surau, and to the Malaysian Muslim community at large.
...these attacks are at most a crisis of law and order caused by a failure of the Malaysian state, not a crisis of religious harmony indicating a failure of the Malaysian society.

I'm not sure about this though:

...we call upon all Malaysians to have faith in peace, freedom and reason.

I don't know if I believe in peace, freedom and reason here anymore. And I'm not sure if I have any faith left in Malaysia either.

Disillusionment

Because I'm not feeling Christmas.

Merry Consumerism: The Fall of Christmas
Why Christmas doesn't mean so much to me anymore.
Read More

false humility

Because I agree with this post.

random disassociated thoughts on deconversion and the like

It's all circular reasoning, really, using the Bible to reason with people who do not believe anymore. I mean, it's things they know. It's stuff they've decided not to believe in. Knocking them on the head with it isn't going to make things any much better. It's just going to confirm their belief in your utter lunacy. I mean, you pick some fresh target who has no clue about the Bible, no knowledge about anything of your creed, and sure, they'll listen. Sure, they'll think something of it, or not. You try cramming down your beliefs to an ex-Christian who can probably quote every single word of it back to you... and refute it in the same breath, will just leave you standing with egg on your face.

At least they're honest. More honest than the other 50% (or more, I'm just projecting a number here), who've grown up in church, built life in church, lived church and God and all that schmuck and never given it a second thought, never raised their doubts, never questioned, but just lived it as another lifestyle, another religion, another way of life. And they get uptight when people question and dig, because - heck what do you think? - they can't answer because they just don't know.

Rather than addressing the real issue - the questions that beg for answers, the real confusion, the deep-seated need to realise the reality of it all - you (they?) get faced with a whole barrage of worried questions if you are okay (duhhhh), why don't you believe, why can't you have enough faith, the devil is behind this, you must pray more, we will pray for you, what's wrong with you...

Then again, knowing the lingo sets you up for life. It doesn't really matter if you actually do believe or not, because knowing the right words and the appropriate actions keeps you safe within the fold. Any show of honesty in admitting lack of faith, or uncertainty, or the slightest smidgen of doubt unsettles everything and throws over whatever security you had, or used to have, in your own religion.

And there it is again, that word.

What is it? Is it merely a religion? Is it merely a relationship? These words are bandied about so often, so many times. It gets so old and stale. Yes, knowing God isn't a religion, it's a relationship. Worship is a lifestyle, bla de bla de bla. Does it really make any difference?

Sometimes religion is overrated. Christianity is overrated. I agree with the huge amounts of people out there who believe that it's full of lies, full of hypocrisy, full of everything it isn't supposed to be.

But I also agree with the large body of witnesses who can testify and say that I believe it is real, because God has done something for me. It's intensely personal because I can only tell you what He has done for me, or rather what I believe He has done for me, which is really rather open to debate, because anyone can say that this almighty-being-in-the-sky did this for me, when in actual fact, it was just a matter of course, a matter of nature, a piece of coincidence.

So it comes down to worldview.

And the truth behind acts of deconversion is this: the clash between my worldview and that of the 'church' was too far different to be reconciled.

We live with fuzzy worldviews. We're reconciling basically pagan / heathen / irreligious lifestyles and beliefs with one that proclaims an ultimate Truth and Good and Holiness (and lots of other supposedly absolute stuff). And most of us live in those margins, blurring the lines between true Christ-like actions and churchy actions lived out of... lifestyle and expectations, rather than true conviction.

We struggle with the small actions that will show our good works, making a big fuss of them, as if it will somehow gain us a better place in heaven. Truth? Make a fuss now to make it biiigggg... it's a biiiigggg sacrifice, notice me! I'm good! I'm so spiritual! I'm so awesome! Right. (And any right-minded person will puke right now, go ahead, we'll wait).

That's not to say that everyone is like that. There are the true gems, who fall between the cracks, who by the virtue of their true humility and Christ-likeness are never noticed, never applauded, never remembered, until after they are dead and gone.

But we fall away, not because of lack of concern, just the realisation on waking up one morning and wondering - what has all this been for? What is the truth behind it? Where is the peace and joy and love that's supposed to be there, but is not? It's waking up to a sudden emptiness, where there used to be a glow, opening your eyes to the fact that everything you once believed in, lived for and breathed for, makes little or no sense anymore. It's waking up wondering - where's the reality in this? Where's the something more that I've always been waiting for?

And some will push on, but some will not.

For some fuzzy reason, that's much better than living the lie.

Maybe because He did say he'll spit (vomit) out the lukewarm.

Commentary: Induction

At the end of a self-imposed hiatus, the question still begs to be asked: what are you in this for?

I find it's not a question for me alone, but for the whole team. Why are you here? Why do you commit your weekends, or pretend to anyway?

There seems to be a lack of structure, a lack of commitment and a lack of leadership. Or maybe it's too early for me to say, from one experience and one discussion. Maybe the way I see it - the way we see it - is not how they do. Maybe for them, it is commitment enough.

But the passion seems to be lacking when people who agreed to come at 9.15AM only turn up 9.45AM, and there is no time even for a quick sound check, a quick prayer, a short preparation. The passion seems to be lacking when people wander up to the stage as if there's nothing terribly important going on today. There is something terribly lacking when the worship leader does not turn up for his own 7.15PM prayer meeting.

Wake up!

YOU ARE THE WORSHIP TEAM.

YOU are the ministers that God has chosen to usher in His presence, to draw people to Him, to prepare their hearts before the Word can fall like seeds and be buried. You are the priests who minister to Him before the Holy of Holies.

How can the people enter prepared if you are not prepared? How can the people follow where they are not led?

How can you not feel the awesomeness of your responsibility before God that makes you tremble, that makes you prepare and consecrate yourselves? Even those outside perform their best, practice their best and offer their best, if only for human accolade and monetary reward.

What have you to say for yourselves when your simple act of worship becomes a stroll up to the stage to sing / play for the sake of it?

Or maybe I am too serious about this, hypocrite that I am.

Do not complain about the youth. They have learnt it from you.

So flame me. It may be time to burn.

What's Stopping You?

I find that as time goes by, I get to know myself better. Life throws me into situations that challenge me to think, act and hopefully, change.

It seems that any time you want to take up something new, or progress in something known, the same question pops up. It's been popping up very frequently of late, as I think about what my goals are going to be in regards to my health and fitness level (yes, it's time I got into a shape other than round and pear-ish), my artistic (writing and performance arts) goals and my goals at work.

What's stopping you?

Frankly, what's stopping me is plainly, well, me.

First and foremost, there's that whole thing of having to actually get off the computer and off facebook and off msn, twitter, gtalk, blogs and all that (online) distracting stuff. It's not that I don't have time to do things. It's that I waste time doing things that aren't important. That was one major point brought up during camp. It's not that I didn't already know it. I just needed some reminding and prodding.

And I'm trying. I used to think I had very good self-control. I've realised that over the years, I've been giving in to my impulses so much that I need to work on it again. I need to be able to tell myself no, and keep to it.

Secondly, it's my very nature, for good and for bad, of being a shy perfectionist. What does that mean? It's basically this: I am shy and afraid of embarrassment, and anything I do that is short of perfect in my eyes, or which will potentially make me feel stupid, dumb, embarrassed, idiotic, weird, will make me shy away from doing things that I really want to do, or on the other side, that I know I really need to do.

Writing this could possibly make me feel somewhat stupid or embarrassed, especially if some especially insensitive comment comes into being. What makes it possible for me to write this is that I am used to it. I have been blogging and writing long enough, sometimes in a very frivolous way, but at times in as much as a deep and open way as I feel is possible for the moment. And the fact that I know how it's done, what to do, and what kind of response to generally expect, I can do it.

Knowing this, I'm trying to build patterns and partners in my life. First, I need partners to walk me through the initial fear and fright. Then patterns, so that I can continue even when I am alone. It's not as easy as it seems. For some reason, I need to see what I'm going to do before I do it. Some people can wing it, and I'm jealous of that. For now, I'll focus on the patterns in my head.

What's stopping you?

Coming to the knowledge of what is really stopping you is very helpful. It helps you to realise your weaknesses. It helps you to think of alternative ways to get around your blockage. Every one has a blockage, at one time or another. What you do with that, and the realisation of that, is really up to you.

I'm trying to change.

Are you?

Post-camp reflections

It’s been a year since I considered switching fields altogether, and a month since I’ve wanted to change jobs. And yet after iBridge Camp, I have a peace about staying where I am. It seems as if everything is on the green. (Wanted to list out what the green lights were, but realised that that was the part of the notes I didn’t take. But anyway…)

You know the complete cycle of years in sevens? Where on the seventh year, the Sabbath year comes and everything is renewed? During reflection at camp, I was thinking, ‘seven years,’ and I don’t know exactly what that’s supposed to mean. But from where I stand at the moment, it looks as if I’m where I’m supposed to be, at least for the next four years. I’ve been working here, in the same job for three years. Some people find it tough. Most of my peers have left. And yes, the job can be tiring. It can be tough and demanding. Somehow though, it isn’t really, for me.

For reasons that I can only ascribe to God’s blessings and provision, I’ve never worked later that midnight more than once or twice. Well, maybe more but a smattering. I rarely, if ever, work weekends nowadays, unless the deadline is on Monday and I’ve been sitting on things for too long. When (or if) I take files home, they normally lie peacefully untouched throughout the night or over the weekend. The nights I actually work late are normally due to close deadlines that are over within the week, or the nights before I take leave and I want to clear as much as possible away so that I won’t be disturbed over my holiday.

So if this isn’t where I’m supposed to be right here and right now, where is?

The itch that can’t be scratched

And yet at the same time, there’s an underlying feeling of restlessness as well, right alongside the peace. Don’t ask me how it works. It’s like, I want to move to KL, because I want to be a part of the GCF there, I want that community that I only get glimpses of through e-mails and little tastes of during camp and the random holidays. I want to move there because that is where Footstool Players is. That is where the auditions are for stage plays, theatre, musicals. It’s where I can do something that I want; that I dream of, or have forgotten how to dream about.

I have a friend pursuing the dream, studying performance arts, musical theatre, in the USA, with plans to intern at Disney. I have another friend, pursuing her dream, taking a Masters in Film Studies. And all this makes me think, what about me?

Dreams: not quite there

What about my dreams? What about the things I thought I would do, the things I wished I could do and all the things that I wanted to do but am not doing anymore? When did I lose myself in this endless cycle of work and rest, with no thought to really living? Sometimes I wish I could be anywhere but here so that I could pursue those things more easily, more readily. The problem with that is my dreams are here.

Say as much as I wish, there is a locality to my dreams. Yes, I want to build a drama team. But I want to build it here, in Penang. Yes, I want to be a part of a larger vision in the GCF. But I want that to be here, in Penang. I don’t want to always be wishing to be elsewhere.

I guess in the end, a substantial part of my dream is for my dreams to be present here.

The road goes ever on and on

And maybe that’s what these next four years are for, assuming that there’s any rhyme or reason to that thought of the seven years. I’ve been taking things lax for long enough, letting things stream by with the reasons that I don’t know enough, I’m not trained enough, I’m not good enough, I’m not ready enough. These are the years to build the GCF – to build and bond and train, and most of all, to dream together. These are the years to hone skills – to utilise the youthful energy for dance classes and drama classes and vocal classes and any other thing that might come in handy.

These are the years to discover if there is passion enough in me to pursue what I believe God is calling me to.

If I go, who will build HERE?

At times I don’t believe in it. It hurts when people say, so why don’t you move there? Why don’t you go to such and such a place to study/work? I do want to. But if I go, who will build here?

And if this is my sacrifice for now, so be it.

i call you friend. do you?

When I was younger I used to have this unnatural fear of 'what if they don't come home today?' when my parents went for a late night meeting. I don't know why I used to think that way. I learnt to dismiss it as a stupid thought and laugh at myself for being silly. Thinking about it now, what if it was more than a silly childish fear, but a symptom of a deeper-rooted problem?

Sometimes I wonder if there is something in my psych that makes me withdraw from people that I want to be close to, as if I am afraid of intimacy. Looking at my track record of maintaining friends over any sort of distance, or non-distance, it's not very encouraging. I have many acquaintances, yes. My cg leader accuses me of being a church-politician - I seem to know many people from everywhere. And it's true. I meet people. I remember (most of) their names. I recognise (most of) their faces. More often, they remember me when I don't remember them.

[aside] And yet within a year of leaving, it's as if I don't exist in their memories anymore.

Maybe it's my fault. I haven't been very intentional about building friendships, or very purposeful about maintaining them. Maybe for all intents and purposes I am the one who has ditched them, in a way. But why? Maybe because I never felt like I belonged with them. Maybe because I always felt the awkward one, the odd one out. I read blogs and feel bitter and envious of the strong friendships that some people have built from childhood up to the present. I am bitter about the bonds they have because I feel that I have missed something in this intentional/unintentional solitariness of mine. Unintentional because I want to be part of them. Intentional because I do not want to impinge on a group that obviously does not want or need me.

Maybe at the very core of this bitterness is the fear of being left alone, left behind. It always feels like I'm one step forward, two steps back when everyone else is keeping a steady pace and momentum. Maybe at the core of this fear is the disappointment of broken relationships in the past, whose ghosts I have never laid to rest. The ghosts of little girls and adolescent boys. The ghosts of friends who were acquaintances. And maybe it's time to lay these ghosts to rest.

Sometimes I think to compensate for this, I am overly grabbing in my relationships with those I met through iBridge camps. It's like I have finally found a no-holds-barred group that I am comfortable with and I do not want to lose it. Overcompensation? Maybe.

Or maybe this is what building friendships is about - pursuing fellowship, making time, sharing thoughts and experiences. Occasionally being in your face, because I want this friendship to work, and I am tired of drifting.

I cannot help the me-time I need as part of my nature. But I can help the friend-times I wish to see. It's time to intentionally build those bridges.

Him

"This is Caspian, Sir," he said. And Caspian knelt and kissed the Lion's paw.
"Welcome, Prince," said Aslan. "Do you feel yourself sufficient to take up the Kingship of Narnia?"
"I - I don't think I do, Sir," said Caspian. "I'm only a kid."
"Good," said Aslan. "If you had felt yourself sufficient, it would have been a proof that you were not. Therefore, under us and under the High King, you shall be King of Narnia, Lord of Cair Paravel, and Emperor of the Lone Islands"

excerpt from Prince Caspian by C.S. Lewis

This conversation often runs through my brain when I think about the GCF in Penang. Of course, it's nothing as impressive as being crowned King, but still, it's the taking up of leadership, of responsibility.
Often, I feel inadequate. I feel small and weak. In the main, I feel stupid and frustrated. At the core of me is a nugget of fear. Why am I here? Why am I doing this? I'm not old enough for this, not strong enough, not man enough.
And yet it feels right. It feels like I'm stepping into the unknown, ready for an adventure. It feels like taking fear by the reins and letting faith reign.
So maybe he's right. If I had felt myself sufficient, it would have been proof that I were not.
Because this way, it's really not me. It's Him.

pet peeves

Whilst I am in a writing mood...

What I don't get sometimes (depending on my frame of mind) is why everyone says that just because Joseph asked the baker & cupbearer (my translation reads chief of the butlers, but my mind keeps thinking butcher... and candlestick maker) to remember him to the Pharoah it means that he wasn't ready, therefore he was left in jail for two more years.

The way I see it, absolutely nothing happened between when the cupbearer forgot about him, and when the Pharoah had his dream. If God wanted to show some more character development, He would have made Moses write a few more explanatory verses, rather than leave a great silence, wouldn't He?

So how do you know that those two years didn't passed just because it wasn't yet time? Time to bring the crops to its good seven years, time to bring the right Pharoah to power who would listen to Joseph rather than brush him aside (or to prepare him to be receptive), time to bring the rest of the Israelites to a ready place physically and spiritually and mentally.

Why does everyone say that Joseph wasn't ready? Just because of that one phrase? Think about it: if he hadn't said that at all, maybe the cupbearer might not have thought to mention him to Pharoah at all...

But that's just a pet peeve. Haha.

Another one was when that Chris Alfred speaker told the story of Van Gogh trying so hard to be a missionary in Belgium or something but never breaking through, and then gave up and went into art instead. He said it was a waste of his calling, he should have pushed through, bla bla bla. The thing is, how do you know that he wasn't fulfilling his calling by being the best artist that he could be? How are you so sure that he wasn't fulfilling is real calling by being an impact in the world of art? Does it mean that you must be a missionary / spend your life in another culture / leave your home / do something super spiritual before your works can be fruitful for God?

That is total NONSENSE. We don't know so don't intrapolate your own deductions there.

Okay. Peeve time over. Haha.

by the fireplace: honesty

I would rather you
Flung your defiance at me
Than hide behind masks

The question for today was whether we could continue living in sin with grace as our safety pin; or whether we should continue to strive to meet the impossible ideals presented in the sermon of the mount. I don't know if I was taking a rather high-brow, hard-line stance, or maybe if the things I've been reading have been getting to me.

The problem with that kind of Grace teaching, is that it downplays repentance. It lets you go on continuing to sin, continuing to take your salvation lightly. What is repentance but turning away from sin and turning towards God? But when you live in an atmosphere that says it's okay to sin, God will forgive you anyway, that's not repentance. That's not turning away from sin, and your very salvation is suspect. (Like I said, I think I was harsh.)

It's not that you will never fall, or never ever make a mistake or sin ever again. I take it for a fact that we will never reach those ideals. Try as you might, we would always fall short, and the more we try, the more we know how far we still have to go. And yet the thing is, that doesn't mean you need to stop trying. I guess as Rachel put it nicely, the more you sin, the more you get entrenched into it. As impossible as it sounds, we need those examples and ideals before us, to keep us pressing onwards, to give an end goal.

Yet in the end, it isn't so much about how hard you try, but it's about the positioning of your heart. It isn't about how well you've gotten it all together, but where your heart is pointing you to. It's not the absolution of the Law either. Jesus did not come to abolish the Law, or nullify it. He came to fulfil it. And that fulfilment is by the offering of His Absolute Grace to cover the requirements of the law. It's not a cheap grace that tells you you can continue to do whatever you want, because He will forgive you anyway, but it's a grace that covers all that you have done, and all that you will ever do, but requires your honest, sincere response of acceptance and repentance.

How honest is your heart to you? Sometimes I think that God is closer to those who seem to have fallen by the wayside; those who are arguing with Him, than those who are holding it all prettily together in church. Because it is then that you are really actively searching for Him, looking to satisfy the real heart-needs and mind-needs. What was that verse to the church? I would rather you be hot or cold... (Revelations 3:15b) Our God is not so small that He cannot be questioned. But is your understanding of Him so small that He can't question you?