#musicmonday: Camp set

It's hard to choose a set when you don't know the musicians and you don't know the camp participants and you're walking blind.

Why am I doing this again?

Anyways, this is for tomorrow.

It's almost April! The #atozchallenge is coming soon

I kind of woke up to the fact that it's already the end of March and I had better get my butt moving to figure out what I'm doing for the A to Z blogging challenge this year. Well, the poll (now closed) seems to indicate that I should be doing random unrelated flash fiction, and if you remember, I decided that I'm going to be using the last word for each letter in the dictionary as prompts for this year's post. I did cheat a little - for times where the last word happens to be an abbreviation, or a suffix, I used the word directly before it.

So here's my list of words for the month, based on my trusty Oxford from school (oh wait, my brother's Oxford dictionary), 1998 edition:

1. Azure
2. Byzantine
3. Church [edited]
4. Dystrophy
5. Excuses [edited]
6. Fuzzy
7. Gyroscope
8. Hysterical
9. Ivy
10. Juxtapose
11. Kyle
12. Lucky 7 Meme [edited]
13. Myxomatosis
14. Nymphomania
15. Ozone layer
16. Pyx
17. Qwerty
18. Restless [edited]
19. Sleep, don't weep [edited]
20. Tzatziki
21. Uxorious
22. Vying
23. Wysiwyg
24. Xylophone
25. Yuppie
26. Zygote

Say it with me, say it with me... LYSERGIC ACID DIETHYLAMIDE?!?!? >.< Ok you know what, I'm cheating on that one. I'll use the word before that, which is lyricist.

---

I'm really sorry for the long blog silence. A lot of stuff is going on right now which is taking up a lot of time and effort and energy. To keep it simple, here's an update of what's happening in my life, and what's been happening.

1. MY JOB.
Yes, my job has been happening. I'm not a full time writer or blogger, though I wish I could be, and January to June are the busiest periods of my work. It's sad. Because I think I work too hard and I'm already the laziest person in the office. HA! In fact I have another deadline this Friday, which is actually going to be Thursday, because my boss goes on leave on Friday.

2. AUDITIONS
Yes, we've started auditions for our church musical and so that's been taking up time from my writing weekends. It's exciting - even though sometimes I think we're just winging it like crazy. Well, we have to start somewhere, right? This Sunday we'll be having callbacks to firm up the main cast and then practices are going to start.

3. THE SCRIPT!
I know I've been mentioning this for the longest time ever, but I'm still not quite satisfied with the script. I've been touching up scenes here and there, re-working some bits but my main bugbear is I just don't know how to deal with the ending. If you've read my blog long enough, you'll know that I always have problems with endings and closures. I suppose this... is just another revelation of it. Sigh. *help* And yes, it's HELP! indeed, because PRACTICES ARE GOING TO START!

4. A TO Z
As mentioned above, A to Z is starting. On Sunday. I am not prepared.

5. SHORT + SWEET
For the first time ever, there's going to be a Short + Sweet festival in Penang. Or at least the workshops anyway. So I've signed up for that. It's 3-day workshop on 6-8 April, touching on Playwriting, Acting and Directing. There's also a dance stream, but... that's not quite for me.

6. REVOTOUR PENANG
In my everlasting tendency to overextend myself, when my friend Stella from Project Dance said they are doing a dance for RevoTour in May and wanted to make it an interchurch thing, I said yes. So I'm dancing, contrary to that last sentence in #5 above. My only consolation is that there are children. So I am not the only awkward one. But I am the only one without an excuse. Sigh.

7. HEADSTART
Headstart is starting again - a new batch... we're having an introduction lunch this Saturday (31/3/12) at Harvest In Cafe, Irrawady Road, so if you're a fresh grad, or you know a fresh grad, or you want to feel like a fresh grad, or you're confused as to whether you're a fresh grad, do join us... (e-mail me to tell me you're coming) we'll let you know what Headstart is all about and how you can join us. But since I'm writing this anyway, it's a one year discussion group based on the book "Following Jesus in the Real World" by Richard Lamb, aimed at helping fresh grads transition from university / college into the working world. Yes, so e-mail me. Or comment here so that I can e-mail you back.

8. FAITH, LOVE, HOPE...
Is currently on hold. What's that all about? See - I was working on compiling a set of short stories (10 in total) to publish some time in March, but as is evident, I do not have time to actually sit down and write. Well, I have about 5 stories at the moment but this project will definitely have to be on hold for the moment, at least until I settle the script. (Argh, you script! You! Script!) I'm thinking maybe September. Maybe.

There are probably more miscellaneous pies I have my fingers in (I haven't mentioned attempting to exercise, leading worship once a month, actually writing this blog, writing Fireplaces every Sunday, actually watching movies *more than one! gasp*, supporting local theatre and music, oh-gosh-Israel-Houghton-is-going-to-be-in-KL, cell group meetings, WEDDINGS! work, work, and more work) but this blog post is getting too long already - probably in attempt to make up for all the days I haven't been blogging.

This is where you probably shake your head and say, this girl is crazy.
I am.
I need a life.
LOL!

ALSO, in case you were wondering what happened to the book reviews (hah, not as if anyone was reading them, right) I happen to be on a fiction-reading fast for Lent. IT IS A PAIN. But oh, the amount of TIME it frees up. The only thing that really bugs me about this fast is the sudden need to find a dinner partner... I usually just bring my trusty book along.

Okay, so in signing off, I realise that I just gave you guys a bunch of text. Because I am pretty much a text person. But anyways, here's a little picture that keeps me sane:

Post camp post: being true to myself, a writer.

We had this session during iBridge camp about discernment, i.e. knowing the will of God. I don't have all the notes (I stopped jotting when they said they would get the slides to us, but I haven't seen them yet) but there was one thing that really struck me that day.

One of the guiding principles of discernment is to stay true and truthful to who and whose you are in Christ. 

There's a lot of stuff floating around about knowing yourself, being true to yourself, standing up for who you really are, and not all of it is Christian. In fact, most of it is rather post-modernistic, individualistic, let-me-do-what-the-heck-I-want-so-get-out-of-my-face-God (or maybe I'm getting the wrong kind of vibes here). But more often in the Christian circles, there's a lot of thing about finding God's will, focusing only on God and ignoring ourselves (we are nothing, we are nothing, we are nothing - kind of Buddhist, no?). True, Christ must increase, and we must decrease, but does that mean we ignore everything that our passions and inclinations drive us towards?

What does it mean to stay true and truthful to who you are? (Let's ignore the other bits for a moment.) Who you are matters, because God made you that way. If you are an engineer, you worship God through your engineering skills and making that no one gets killed by a bridge falling down or a phone blowing up or... something like that (I get a little fuzzy on details because there are so many kinds of engineers). If you are a doctor, you worship God by helping people get well, or at least by easing their pain until it's time to go. If you are a lawyer, you worship God by helping innocent people get their lives back and assist in disseminating justice where it's needed (though it may seem rather arbitrary at times). If you are an accountant or an auditor, you help ensure that the companies don't cheat money off their investors and the employees don't defraud their employers (to what little extent you can). But if you are an artist, or a writer, or a dancer, or anything to do with music and creative arts, it suddenly seems that you can't and aren't doing anything productive or useful unless you are leading worship in church, or decorating the church, or doing an Easter or Christmas production.

WHAT GIVES?

Why is every other profession more important to the body of Christ than the very professions that have the most impact on our daily lives?
And this is where I get into the rant mode, sorry.
I'm tired of people acting like it's SO easy to get a good story down on paper/screen, and to edit it. Like it can be done in a day. Yes, you can get 50,000 words out for NaNoWriMo in a month but that doesn't mean the story is good enough. It doesn't mean the writing is tight enough. It doesn't mean that you're done with it yet. And all this takes time, people. Time I do not have working a 8.30AM to whenever job.
I'm tired of people thinking it's SO easy to put a good play or *gasp* musical together. Like it can be put together in a week. Yes, you can have once a week practices for a month and do a decent play. But if it's anything longer than 5 minutes and you're working with a bunch of amateurs, or people who are just acting for the sake of it or because there is no one else, then it's not good enough. I'm sorry if I'm sounding condescending - I'm not the best of actors or directors OR playwrights - but it takes time to put stuff together that will be worth watching, and frankly half the stuff that comes out on church stages are not. Time I do not have working a 5-day, but in reality 6-day week.
I'm tired of the slipshod way we approach worship in church, like a two-hour anything-goes practice session is good enough to pull together a team that only plays together once in three weeks, and then expect God to DO SOMETHING WONDERFUL. Yes, He can, and DOES. But at the same time, is this what you really want to offer Him week after week? Because it is an offering, isn't it? It's not just "leading people to worship" it's also an act of worship in itself.

Where does this take us again? Well, it takes me back to the core question - who am i? 
What drives me? What makes me tick? What makes me stay up all night? Pulling aside all that I do and try to do, what motivates me?
This. Writing this. (It's 12.32AM now, despite the fact that you'll only see this on Sunday, 9AM because of the power of blog scheduling muahahahah and I have to get up at 6AM tomorrow to catch a plane.) Writing Friday Flashes. Receiving good and not-so-good comments. Trying to figure out which WIP to start editing, because I can't always sit on them until they grow stale and annoying.

And if this who I am is rooted in whose I am, doesn't that really mean that I'm a writer plugged in to the greatest Creator the world has ever seen? If I stay true to who I am and whose I am, doesn't that mean that I've already found my purpose and direction in life? Doesn't it mean that I don't have to keep asking the question, But God, what do you really want me to do?, as if I'm sure He's going to ask me to do something I cannot do or go somewhere I really hate just because I can't believe that He made me love writing so that I can write?

How does this translate into real life? 
I don't know yet. The two-year plan was to wait it out until David graduates and then see what happens. My mum insists it's a maximum one year break, to study some course or other in creative writing and/or creative arts. That may be part of the plan. I don't know. It's the first step I am looking at, just to redefine where I am.
Then again, it may be shorter. I don't know, there's this restlessness. There's this itch. There's this perpetual question (eh, so when are you going to resign? What, you're still at the same firm? Me: YAH, I know I'm loyal!)
But I'm ready, here and now.

Post-camp reflections

It’s been a year since I considered switching fields altogether, and a month since I’ve wanted to change jobs. And yet after iBridge Camp, I have a peace about staying where I am. It seems as if everything is on the green. (Wanted to list out what the green lights were, but realised that that was the part of the notes I didn’t take. But anyway…)

You know the complete cycle of years in sevens? Where on the seventh year, the Sabbath year comes and everything is renewed? During reflection at camp, I was thinking, ‘seven years,’ and I don’t know exactly what that’s supposed to mean. But from where I stand at the moment, it looks as if I’m where I’m supposed to be, at least for the next four years. I’ve been working here, in the same job for three years. Some people find it tough. Most of my peers have left. And yes, the job can be tiring. It can be tough and demanding. Somehow though, it isn’t really, for me.

For reasons that I can only ascribe to God’s blessings and provision, I’ve never worked later that midnight more than once or twice. Well, maybe more but a smattering. I rarely, if ever, work weekends nowadays, unless the deadline is on Monday and I’ve been sitting on things for too long. When (or if) I take files home, they normally lie peacefully untouched throughout the night or over the weekend. The nights I actually work late are normally due to close deadlines that are over within the week, or the nights before I take leave and I want to clear as much as possible away so that I won’t be disturbed over my holiday.

So if this isn’t where I’m supposed to be right here and right now, where is?

The itch that can’t be scratched

And yet at the same time, there’s an underlying feeling of restlessness as well, right alongside the peace. Don’t ask me how it works. It’s like, I want to move to KL, because I want to be a part of the GCF there, I want that community that I only get glimpses of through e-mails and little tastes of during camp and the random holidays. I want to move there because that is where Footstool Players is. That is where the auditions are for stage plays, theatre, musicals. It’s where I can do something that I want; that I dream of, or have forgotten how to dream about.

I have a friend pursuing the dream, studying performance arts, musical theatre, in the USA, with plans to intern at Disney. I have another friend, pursuing her dream, taking a Masters in Film Studies. And all this makes me think, what about me?

Dreams: not quite there

What about my dreams? What about the things I thought I would do, the things I wished I could do and all the things that I wanted to do but am not doing anymore? When did I lose myself in this endless cycle of work and rest, with no thought to really living? Sometimes I wish I could be anywhere but here so that I could pursue those things more easily, more readily. The problem with that is my dreams are here.

Say as much as I wish, there is a locality to my dreams. Yes, I want to build a drama team. But I want to build it here, in Penang. Yes, I want to be a part of a larger vision in the GCF. But I want that to be here, in Penang. I don’t want to always be wishing to be elsewhere.

I guess in the end, a substantial part of my dream is for my dreams to be present here.

The road goes ever on and on

And maybe that’s what these next four years are for, assuming that there’s any rhyme or reason to that thought of the seven years. I’ve been taking things lax for long enough, letting things stream by with the reasons that I don’t know enough, I’m not trained enough, I’m not good enough, I’m not ready enough. These are the years to build the GCF – to build and bond and train, and most of all, to dream together. These are the years to hone skills – to utilise the youthful energy for dance classes and drama classes and vocal classes and any other thing that might come in handy.

These are the years to discover if there is passion enough in me to pursue what I believe God is calling me to.

If I go, who will build HERE?

At times I don’t believe in it. It hurts when people say, so why don’t you move there? Why don’t you go to such and such a place to study/work? I do want to. But if I go, who will build here?

And if this is my sacrifice for now, so be it.

i call you friend. do you?

When I was younger I used to have this unnatural fear of 'what if they don't come home today?' when my parents went for a late night meeting. I don't know why I used to think that way. I learnt to dismiss it as a stupid thought and laugh at myself for being silly. Thinking about it now, what if it was more than a silly childish fear, but a symptom of a deeper-rooted problem?

Sometimes I wonder if there is something in my psych that makes me withdraw from people that I want to be close to, as if I am afraid of intimacy. Looking at my track record of maintaining friends over any sort of distance, or non-distance, it's not very encouraging. I have many acquaintances, yes. My cg leader accuses me of being a church-politician - I seem to know many people from everywhere. And it's true. I meet people. I remember (most of) their names. I recognise (most of) their faces. More often, they remember me when I don't remember them.

[aside] And yet within a year of leaving, it's as if I don't exist in their memories anymore.

Maybe it's my fault. I haven't been very intentional about building friendships, or very purposeful about maintaining them. Maybe for all intents and purposes I am the one who has ditched them, in a way. But why? Maybe because I never felt like I belonged with them. Maybe because I always felt the awkward one, the odd one out. I read blogs and feel bitter and envious of the strong friendships that some people have built from childhood up to the present. I am bitter about the bonds they have because I feel that I have missed something in this intentional/unintentional solitariness of mine. Unintentional because I want to be part of them. Intentional because I do not want to impinge on a group that obviously does not want or need me.

Maybe at the very core of this bitterness is the fear of being left alone, left behind. It always feels like I'm one step forward, two steps back when everyone else is keeping a steady pace and momentum. Maybe at the core of this fear is the disappointment of broken relationships in the past, whose ghosts I have never laid to rest. The ghosts of little girls and adolescent boys. The ghosts of friends who were acquaintances. And maybe it's time to lay these ghosts to rest.

Sometimes I think to compensate for this, I am overly grabbing in my relationships with those I met through iBridge camps. It's like I have finally found a no-holds-barred group that I am comfortable with and I do not want to lose it. Overcompensation? Maybe.

Or maybe this is what building friendships is about - pursuing fellowship, making time, sharing thoughts and experiences. Occasionally being in your face, because I want this friendship to work, and I am tired of drifting.

I cannot help the me-time I need as part of my nature. But I can help the friend-times I wish to see. It's time to intentionally build those bridges.

Him

"This is Caspian, Sir," he said. And Caspian knelt and kissed the Lion's paw.
"Welcome, Prince," said Aslan. "Do you feel yourself sufficient to take up the Kingship of Narnia?"
"I - I don't think I do, Sir," said Caspian. "I'm only a kid."
"Good," said Aslan. "If you had felt yourself sufficient, it would have been a proof that you were not. Therefore, under us and under the High King, you shall be King of Narnia, Lord of Cair Paravel, and Emperor of the Lone Islands"

excerpt from Prince Caspian by C.S. Lewis

This conversation often runs through my brain when I think about the GCF in Penang. Of course, it's nothing as impressive as being crowned King, but still, it's the taking up of leadership, of responsibility.
Often, I feel inadequate. I feel small and weak. In the main, I feel stupid and frustrated. At the core of me is a nugget of fear. Why am I here? Why am I doing this? I'm not old enough for this, not strong enough, not man enough.
And yet it feels right. It feels like I'm stepping into the unknown, ready for an adventure. It feels like taking fear by the reins and letting faith reign.
So maybe he's right. If I had felt myself sufficient, it would have been proof that I were not.
Because this way, it's really not me. It's Him.