Maybe what one needs to realise about youth and the rebellion towards the church is that it's generally not about a rebellion towards God, but against the status quo. The very idea of "church-going" to make one a Christian doesn't make sense. Christ died - yes, for the church - but in that very strain of idea, I am the church. And yes, whilst we are not to forget the assembling of the saints, the non-attendance of one at church on occasion should not be the be-all-end-all of one's spiritual life.
Yes, I admit I skipped a church service. On the occasion that I was tired, and I have already been to a service the night before. The assembling of the saints does not state that one must go to every service available on a given weekend, or if the service should be one that one often (or regularly) goes to, or if it must be a full church service, or a youth one.
To dig deeper into the truth, since I am setting out to be truthful to you by admitting my faults, I did not go to church, not only because I was tired physically, but because, to put it plainly, I am tired of the church. Rather - I am tired of the stress of placing me in the church. There is the need to dress up (to give the idea of one putting on the best for God), the need to mask up (to seem more spiritually there, or more together than I really am) and the need to answer myriads of questions on how I am (I'm fine, how are you, how is work, work is shit, but I can't tell you that)!
I was doing back-up vocals in the youth service last night, and I think I shall not do it again. There is nothing wrong with the youth or the youth service whatever, except that it just doesn't work to put old fogeys up on stage as the "seniors" coming to serve the youth when we have no relevance to them at all. The songs chosen, some new, mostly old, were songs that had some impact in my "era" of the youth - a time 5 years (and more) in the distance, and by the look on most of their faces (most, because one or two of the older ones seemed to get it), they were more bored, standing in the front of the hall by rote to listen and try to sing along to unfamiliar songs, rather than by any youthful exuberance or desire to get up and praise God. I feel personally that if no one has the desire to stand up in the front and jump, there is no need to ask them to do it, half-heartedly as it were, or by habit, because then it would have no meaning. It degenerates merely into a music concert, a spectator show. And thinking all of this on the stage while singing, with or without my hands lifted, I can see the irony of it all.
The aura that exudes is often a fake one, the lifting of hands by instinct or habit, and the mind is engaged in analysing the worshipfullness or not of the church and/or the youth-going crowd. And wondering behind it all: what is this worth? What is the worth of this "worship" and good music, and bringing in bands and concerts and speakers, when at the end of it, there is no passion or no drive to really see the Kingdom of God? Maybe it's the dryness of my soul, or the hardness of my heart, but I see no point. There is no point pushing and striving when what is not there is not there. Give it up and try something different. If they don't want to sing, maybe that is not their reasonable worship! Give them other ways, and see where that brings the group as a whole. At least they are genuine in their "boredom", though it worries the adults so much. I would rather not touch the youth as a whole, because every time I do, a certain idea of disdain and judging comes into the picture, because I compare between the things we did and what they do now, and find it not at all satisfactory. And maybe it should be that way (that I should distance myself from this) because it is hardly healthy for me or for them to have someone telling them what they should and should not do, in such judgemental tones. Let them rather work with people who understand where they are at and work with them to bring them up to different standards than those I think I am used to!
And on the other more painful matter of my facade, let it be known clearly that I am, frankly, tired and depressed. I try to avoid the Vale of Tempe road for the sole reason that every time I pass a certain bend, I wonder, what if I just drove straight off instead of turning with the road? I do not play about with knives and scissors for the reason that it sometimes pops into mind, what if I started deliberately cutting?
And no, this is not cause for worry, because I am too sensible and rational to ever attempt such things. Besides, the very fact that I can state this clearly and openly should drive from your minds the idea that I would do it. The curse of the writer is that to write is bare all, and the writing down of such thoughts is cathartic and clears the mind and heart for better thoughts and feelings to enter - at the cost of making others worry unnecessarily, and by the very fact that they often respond negatively and worry at it like a dog worrying at a bone, this often compounds the problem by driving the idea back firmly into the writer's head!
And back to the church. The church! The church that is supposed to build each one up in love, but often passes judgement as to their skills and abilities. It shouldn't hurt, but it does, that a certain pastor should come up to me and ask if I would be unnecessarily stressed to lead worship on Easter Sunday, and if it would be better to ask another pastor to do the said job, or would it be alright for me? So she casts doubt on my ability, or my anointing (if I have such a thing), and since she has done that, I would rather save her the worry (and myself too) by letting the said other pastor take over. Need I grab on to the job as if to save face, and prove myself? But as I said, it still hurts, because you've shown your doubts about me, and being who I am, it does in some ways shatter my self-confidence, in the same way that it is shaken whenever I am requested to change my songs.
But what really matters in the end, is not whether I go to church or not, whether I am a good example or not, or whether I am on people's prayer list as a possible danger(!), but the fact that He loves me the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. What I do may make Him sad, or disappointed as it makes me sad and disgusted at myself, but there is always that constant love and hope, because of His unfailing love, and because even in the dark Saturday of my mind, tomorrow is Sunday, and He will rise, is rising, has risen.
The church? The church as a whole needs a face lift. And maybe I really shouldn't stay where I am not wanted. But will it be different anywhere else?
Sunday, 16 March 2008
Saturday, 8 March 2008
voter
I suppose now that I have voted, I might as well say something. I'm usually totally apolitical, because I don't really care. A government is a government, and the government is supposed to be there to protect the people, build the nation and generally make things happen.
A government, one way or another, is meant to keep the peace, uphold justice, make education work. When it comes down to political parties, to me, it's just who does a better job, and who does a sloppy one. I don't know how to put this right, but a government is meant to govern.
Basically, to make sure things work. So you can have a lousy government, or a good one. It's just whether things work better or worse. From my point of view, it's just supposed to BE there. I don't really care who is there, as long as the job gets done.
Now, what has really irked me about this campaign is the heavy-handed tactics the current ruling party seems to be using. I don't know what they're getting at, but the way their slogans run, from the banners to the radio adverts, the idea that gets across is this: vote for us, or else.
Is that meant to be a threat?
Or else what? Whose to say that the opposition can't do a good job as well? Who's to say that if the opposition wins, we won't have stability and peace of mind? (Unless of course, they are intending to "do something about it" which shows up their utter immaturity!)
Or maybe they just need better PR. Yeah. They really need better PR. Because they're coming across as old-fashioned, male chauvinistic, fanatical idiots.
On the other hand, all I'm hearing from the other side, is to deny them the two thirds. Deny them the two thirds. It doesn't matter who you vote for, as long as you deny them that two thirds.
Again, maybe I'm also just getting it wrong (because I'm not one to seek out the info, and go to the talks), but to the general uninterested public, they're not really putting up any good argument. All I seem to hear is this: they're doing a lousy job so just make sure they get kicked out.
What then? Who's the alternative? What options are you giving us? What if this snowballs so much that we totally swing around and put into power a bunch of people who have been working so hard to "get there" that they don't even know where they are? Are they really prepared for it?
Actually, the main thing that irks me about politics in general is the fact that everyone seems to come across as squabbling little children, out to get the best for themselves. Which is totally against the spirit of the whole thing, which is to get the best out of everyone, so that we can get the best for the nation, and indirectly, who knows, maybe get something good for ourselves too.
Efficiency. That's the word. It's just something we don't have.
But yeah, the spleen is spent, and like I said, I don't really care. I guess I shouldn't be that way, but I think this is just one of those things that I just don't get.
So we wait.
A government, one way or another, is meant to keep the peace, uphold justice, make education work. When it comes down to political parties, to me, it's just who does a better job, and who does a sloppy one. I don't know how to put this right, but a government is meant to govern.
Basically, to make sure things work. So you can have a lousy government, or a good one. It's just whether things work better or worse. From my point of view, it's just supposed to BE there. I don't really care who is there, as long as the job gets done.
Now, what has really irked me about this campaign is the heavy-handed tactics the current ruling party seems to be using. I don't know what they're getting at, but the way their slogans run, from the banners to the radio adverts, the idea that gets across is this: vote for us, or else.
Is that meant to be a threat?
Or else what? Whose to say that the opposition can't do a good job as well? Who's to say that if the opposition wins, we won't have stability and peace of mind? (Unless of course, they are intending to "do something about it" which shows up their utter immaturity!)
Or maybe they just need better PR. Yeah. They really need better PR. Because they're coming across as old-fashioned, male chauvinistic, fanatical idiots.
On the other hand, all I'm hearing from the other side, is to deny them the two thirds. Deny them the two thirds. It doesn't matter who you vote for, as long as you deny them that two thirds.
Again, maybe I'm also just getting it wrong (because I'm not one to seek out the info, and go to the talks), but to the general uninterested public, they're not really putting up any good argument. All I seem to hear is this: they're doing a lousy job so just make sure they get kicked out.
What then? Who's the alternative? What options are you giving us? What if this snowballs so much that we totally swing around and put into power a bunch of people who have been working so hard to "get there" that they don't even know where they are? Are they really prepared for it?
Actually, the main thing that irks me about politics in general is the fact that everyone seems to come across as squabbling little children, out to get the best for themselves. Which is totally against the spirit of the whole thing, which is to get the best out of everyone, so that we can get the best for the nation, and indirectly, who knows, maybe get something good for ourselves too.
Efficiency. That's the word. It's just something we don't have.
But yeah, the spleen is spent, and like I said, I don't really care. I guess I shouldn't be that way, but I think this is just one of those things that I just don't get.
So we wait.
Sunday, 17 February 2008
flight
I was seriously considering going to Australia. Fly away, and join my siblings in Adelaide. I was serious about it. Life is good there. You work three clients a year (compared to my five in about two months), and don't have to work over time. You get a nice office space. You get people speaking to you in English, and not in some ching-chong-chiang. You get people dedicated to what they're doing, and in doing it right. So they say.
But somehow, it feels wrong.
It feels like I'm running away again.
Running from work that can never be finished. Running from my ministry, or from my failure thereof. Running from the boy I thought I could love, but who couldn't love me the way I needed. Running from the character that God's trying to build in me.
But that's all I'm good at - running away. Escapism in its finest form.
So it doesn't feel right to go.
Not now.
I hope I'm not wrong about this.
But somehow, it feels wrong.
It feels like I'm running away again.
Running from work that can never be finished. Running from my ministry, or from my failure thereof. Running from the boy I thought I could love, but who couldn't love me the way I needed. Running from the character that God's trying to build in me.
But that's all I'm good at - running away. Escapism in its finest form.
So it doesn't feel right to go.
Not now.
I hope I'm not wrong about this.
Saturday, 9 February 2008
thought:
Maybe it's time to stop looking for the man of your dreams, but to strive to become the woman of his dreams.
Except maybe if he's looking for a gourmet chef.
Except maybe if he's looking for a gourmet chef.
Thursday, 7 February 2008
broken
And so is the only way to break this result-oriented mindset to make nothing ever work out?
Drive home the point that it isn't the results that matter. I believe you.
But sometimes I need to see that it's worth doing in the end.
The words aren't coming out the way I intended them, but then again they never do. I don't know why I'm so good with words, but only when it doesn't really matter.
I am afraid of failure - so you let me fail.
Just so you can tell me that it isn't such an issue, and all you want is who I am, that all I can do is nothing compared to all you can.
And it doesn't matter.
Only it still matters to me.
Because sometimes I feel that praying hard doesn't work when all I hoped for doesn't come through in the end.
So I need you to hold my hand.
Because I'm slipping where I should not fall.
And all I've expected of myself is shattered where I cannot find the pieces.
In the dark.
Not tried more than I can bear, but I can't find the exit for this one.
It's like a never-ending maze.
I can't find where you begin.
And every time I piece it together, it slips apart again.
Haven't found you.
Not yet.
Why?
I don't know what I'm doing wrong.
So drive home the point that results don't matter.
Because I'm feeling you, and somewhere, something's right.
Drive home the point that it isn't the results that matter. I believe you.
But sometimes I need to see that it's worth doing in the end.
The words aren't coming out the way I intended them, but then again they never do. I don't know why I'm so good with words, but only when it doesn't really matter.
I am afraid of failure - so you let me fail.
Just so you can tell me that it isn't such an issue, and all you want is who I am, that all I can do is nothing compared to all you can.
And it doesn't matter.
Only it still matters to me.
Because sometimes I feel that praying hard doesn't work when all I hoped for doesn't come through in the end.
So I need you to hold my hand.
Because I'm slipping where I should not fall.
And all I've expected of myself is shattered where I cannot find the pieces.
In the dark.
Not tried more than I can bear, but I can't find the exit for this one.
It's like a never-ending maze.
I can't find where you begin.
And every time I piece it together, it slips apart again.
Haven't found you.
Not yet.
Why?
I don't know what I'm doing wrong.
So drive home the point that results don't matter.
Because I'm feeling you, and somewhere, something's right.
Sunday, 6 January 2008
rambling dissertation
To step forward in faith, in love and in truth.
To take life by the reigns.
To do that which is necessary.
Of necessity.
Why?
Because there are so many things that I am willing to do, that willingness is not the issue.
The issue is whether I am capable of doing it.
The funny thing is, in lots of hero fiction, the idea is that if you volunteer rather than are volunteered it totally proves the fact that you are not right for the job of heroship. If it has popped up so many times does that mean there's some truth in it?
What I'm getting at, nonsequentially, is really this.
I know what needs to be done, and for what purpose.
I know mentally that I most probably can do it. With help.
I also know that I want to do it. It's my reasonable response.
But I also know in an emotional/spiritual sense that this is going to be very. very. hard.
On a side issue, I was reading one of those long discussions on "does God exist" (which miraculously always devolves into Christianity vs Atheism - I mean why not Islam vs Atheism then? Obviously only Christianity is the real threat) and my personal view on the matter is this:
If He didn't exist, this would be a non-issue.
The question wouldn't even have been raised. I mean, the only reason anyone really argues or defends themselves over any statement is really because they feel the need to prove themselves right. And usually one only needs to prove one's self right when there's something that tells you you're wrong.
But I am neither theologian nor apologist. So I shall not get involved.
And there is a classic example of distractionism. Or escapism.
So it comes back to the simple fact that
1) It is necessary.
2) It is yours.
as opposed to:
ibloodywelldon'twanttodoitbecausei'mnotpreparedandi'mnotaleaderandidon'twanttobealeaderanddoyouthinkthatifyoucouldpossiblygetaguy todoitandijustfollowalongandsortofassisthimbehindthescenesthatwillworkoutbetterandnotstressmeoutsomuchandnotmakemego...spare?
In a nutshell.
For: GOD SAYS YOU
Against: ME SAYS someone else... please?
And so yes, it's a question of willingness, but no, it is also not because I have already made up my mind and heart to do it.
It's just a question of making the flesh follow along.
And the people will come.
Because HE has said so.
If only I could hold on to that thought until they actually do show up.
It is necessary. And it is you.
*Sigh*
That settles it doesn't it?
To take life by the reigns.
To do that which is necessary.
Of necessity.
Why?
Because there are so many things that I am willing to do, that willingness is not the issue.
The issue is whether I am capable of doing it.
The funny thing is, in lots of hero fiction, the idea is that if you volunteer rather than are volunteered it totally proves the fact that you are not right for the job of heroship. If it has popped up so many times does that mean there's some truth in it?
What I'm getting at, nonsequentially, is really this.
I know what needs to be done, and for what purpose.
I know mentally that I most probably can do it. With help.
I also know that I want to do it. It's my reasonable response.
But I also know in an emotional/spiritual sense that this is going to be very. very. hard.
On a side issue, I was reading one of those long discussions on "does God exist" (which miraculously always devolves into Christianity vs Atheism - I mean why not Islam vs Atheism then? Obviously only Christianity is the real threat) and my personal view on the matter is this:
If He didn't exist, this would be a non-issue.
The question wouldn't even have been raised. I mean, the only reason anyone really argues or defends themselves over any statement is really because they feel the need to prove themselves right. And usually one only needs to prove one's self right when there's something that tells you you're wrong.
But I am neither theologian nor apologist. So I shall not get involved.
And there is a classic example of distractionism. Or escapism.
So it comes back to the simple fact that
1) It is necessary.
2) It is yours.
as opposed to:
ibloodywelldon'twanttodoitbecausei'mnotpreparedandi'mnotaleaderandidon'twanttobealeaderanddoyouthinkthatifyoucouldpossiblygetaguy todoitandijustfollowalongandsortofassisthimbehindthescenesthatwillworkoutbetterandnotstressmeoutsomuchandnotmakemego...spare?
In a nutshell.
For: GOD SAYS YOU
Against: ME SAYS someone else... please?
And so yes, it's a question of willingness, but no, it is also not because I have already made up my mind and heart to do it.
It's just a question of making the flesh follow along.
And the people will come.
Because HE has said so.
If only I could hold on to that thought until they actually do show up.
It is necessary. And it is you.
*Sigh*
That settles it doesn't it?
Thursday, 20 December 2007
Christmas blues
I've been having a good old pity party with Simeon. He was worried that I thought Christmas was all about presents. But when you drill down to it, Christmas isn't the issue. I suppose these lyrics contain it all:
"I Hate Christmas Parties" by Relient K
[Verse]
I hope it snows this week,
A snow flake on your cheek
Would make this Christmas so Beautiful
But that would just bring the pain
Cause things can’t stay the same
These Holidays won’t be wonderful
[Chorus]
I look under the tree
But there’s nothing to see
Cause it’s a broken heart that you’re giving me
I can’t figure you out
Is this what Christmas is all about
Cause it’s a broken heart that you’re giving me
[Verse 2]
I don’t wanna talk
I’m sick of all this talking
A broken heart wrapped up in a Box
This tear drops in my stocking
[Bridge]
I hate Christmas parties,
They offer me some punch,
But I just shrug
I hate Christmas parties
You and the cookie
Tray hear me say "Ba! Humbug"
[Verse]
I hope it snows this week,
A snow flake on your cheek
Would make this Christmas so Beautiful
But that would just bring the pain
Cause things can’t stay the same
These Holidays won’t be wonderful
[Chorus]
I look under the tree
But there’s nothing to see
Cause it’s a broken heart that you’re giving me
I can’t figure you out
Is this what Christmas is all about
Cause it’s a broken heart that you’re giving me
[Verse 2]
I don’t wanna talk
I’m sick of all this talking
A broken heart wrapped up in a Box
This tear drops in my stocking
[Bridge]
I hate Christmas parties,
They offer me some punch,
But I just shrug
I hate Christmas parties
You and the cookie
Tray hear me say "Ba! Humbug"
But yes, besides birthdays, Christmas is one of the most depressing times of the year for a sensitive introvert. It's when you evaluate the friendships you've made, kept and lost over the year. And you start to wonder, "what could I have done better to make it right?" with a sinking feeling that it's all too late.
Sometimes it's alright because you realise that you've made new friends, and kept them. Most times it's not alright because you wonder why everyone else seems to be having so much fun without you.
Maybe it shouldn't matter so much. But it does.
And maybe this is where I launch into the whole "expectations" spiel that I intended to write at about in September but never did. Maybe this is where I say that if you don't expect anything, you'd be far better off because you won't be disappointed. You might even be pleasantly surprised.
Or maybe this is where I just need to sit back, relax and take things slowly. To take things a day at a time and not think too far into the future, or try to preempt what may happen, or may not. Dreams may be good and all, but sometimes it's also good not to think too far ahead.
Overthinking does me in. So does double-guessing. Maybe I just need to get out more.
(And I don't know why the font sizes are so whacked out)
Sometimes it's alright because you realise that you've made new friends, and kept them. Most times it's not alright because you wonder why everyone else seems to be having so much fun without you.
Maybe it shouldn't matter so much. But it does.
And maybe this is where I launch into the whole "expectations" spiel that I intended to write at about in September but never did. Maybe this is where I say that if you don't expect anything, you'd be far better off because you won't be disappointed. You might even be pleasantly surprised.
Or maybe this is where I just need to sit back, relax and take things slowly. To take things a day at a time and not think too far into the future, or try to preempt what may happen, or may not. Dreams may be good and all, but sometimes it's also good not to think too far ahead.
Overthinking does me in. So does double-guessing. Maybe I just need to get out more.
(And I don't know why the font sizes are so whacked out)
Thursday, 13 December 2007
reflection
2007 hasn't exactly turned out as I wished. It's as if the year has rolled past so fast that I haven't been able to sit down and take a breath.
It started off well enough, I suppose, with a big dream, and an excitement for things to come. But I suppose reality caught up somewhere in between working and writing and trying to kick start CAM. Life and busyness caught up and slammed doors shut. I had this random line in my head while driving yesterday:
Dreams not shattered, merely shelved
Which is true. My dreams haven't shattered. They haven't scattered or broken into pieces. It's not as if it's been spectacularly dashed, and can't be repaired. It's more like the dreams have been wrapped in gauzy paper and placed lovingly, caringly on the highest shelf in the highest cupboard, like a prize trophy.
Either that, or it's merely been slowly buried under layers and layers of depression and hopelessness.
Still intact, but not quite there. Not quite accessible.
I don't know what I was expecting. Did I think that everything would be peachy and work out straight away? No, I didn't. But it's just piled up. And drifted. Like putting a pea in the middle of the road, and then the snow just slowly covers it. Nothing dramatic. Just little by little, it's being buried.
But seeds need to be buried to grow. I hope. I don't know. I just don't want it to end here, on this note. Something needs to change.
Fundamentally, I need to do something about my life.
To be painfully honest, I'm drifting. I'm unfocused. Life is passing by. I still can't believe it's already December and I haven't done anything really worthwhile. I have said a lot of things. But saying isn't doing and things don't get done by themselves. Am I being overly emphatic on doing?
To be even more painfully honest, I don't know who or what I am! I have a vague idea of where I want to go, but no clue as to how to get there. Certain "givens" and "foundations" have been shaken and I find myself wondering, now what?
So now what?
Learning to simply BE. I need to BE without DOING. It may help with the guilt trip and the depression. It may really help to simply understand and hold on to the fact that God loves me anyway. Even when I feel that everything I have tried to do has failed. Or that everything I have ever wanted to do is totally pointless.
I mean, when it really comes down to it, what's the point of all this singing and acting and dancing? It's not as if no one else can sing and act and dance. It's not as if no one else can put on a bloody good show. It's not as if I can or know how to do any of this better than any one else in the world. (I probably know less)
It's just that... maybe one song in the right place, or one play at the right time, or one dance to the right words may touch someone in a way that nothing else can, and open a door to a heart that's run dry. And maybe, that will be the way for Love to rush in.
I don't think I've quite figured out my faith and belief just yet. I know I believe, don't worry about that. It's just that I don't quite know how. I don't know how to define it, and that bugs me. It bugs me because I can't put it into words, and it's words that hold me together most times.
Sometimes I'm afraid to share because I don't know how to tell you what I believe without thinking that the moment it comes out of my mouth it will sound silly and absurd. There are so many things I'm still mucking about with that if you ask me, I'll just have to tell you that I seriously don't know. Maybe if I can pluck up the courage, I'll write it down. I'll write it down so hard and assuredly that you'll just know and I'll just believe.
But for now.
It's been a year of moderate highs and very deep lows.
I'll just need to climb out of this one soon.
It started off well enough, I suppose, with a big dream, and an excitement for things to come. But I suppose reality caught up somewhere in between working and writing and trying to kick start CAM. Life and busyness caught up and slammed doors shut. I had this random line in my head while driving yesterday:
Dreams not shattered, merely shelved
Which is true. My dreams haven't shattered. They haven't scattered or broken into pieces. It's not as if it's been spectacularly dashed, and can't be repaired. It's more like the dreams have been wrapped in gauzy paper and placed lovingly, caringly on the highest shelf in the highest cupboard, like a prize trophy.
Either that, or it's merely been slowly buried under layers and layers of depression and hopelessness.
Still intact, but not quite there. Not quite accessible.
I don't know what I was expecting. Did I think that everything would be peachy and work out straight away? No, I didn't. But it's just piled up. And drifted. Like putting a pea in the middle of the road, and then the snow just slowly covers it. Nothing dramatic. Just little by little, it's being buried.
But seeds need to be buried to grow. I hope. I don't know. I just don't want it to end here, on this note. Something needs to change.
Fundamentally, I need to do something about my life.
To be painfully honest, I'm drifting. I'm unfocused. Life is passing by. I still can't believe it's already December and I haven't done anything really worthwhile. I have said a lot of things. But saying isn't doing and things don't get done by themselves. Am I being overly emphatic on doing?
To be even more painfully honest, I don't know who or what I am! I have a vague idea of where I want to go, but no clue as to how to get there. Certain "givens" and "foundations" have been shaken and I find myself wondering, now what?
So now what?
Learning to simply BE. I need to BE without DOING. It may help with the guilt trip and the depression. It may really help to simply understand and hold on to the fact that God loves me anyway. Even when I feel that everything I have tried to do has failed. Or that everything I have ever wanted to do is totally pointless.
I mean, when it really comes down to it, what's the point of all this singing and acting and dancing? It's not as if no one else can sing and act and dance. It's not as if no one else can put on a bloody good show. It's not as if I can or know how to do any of this better than any one else in the world. (I probably know less)
It's just that... maybe one song in the right place, or one play at the right time, or one dance to the right words may touch someone in a way that nothing else can, and open a door to a heart that's run dry. And maybe, that will be the way for Love to rush in.
I don't think I've quite figured out my faith and belief just yet. I know I believe, don't worry about that. It's just that I don't quite know how. I don't know how to define it, and that bugs me. It bugs me because I can't put it into words, and it's words that hold me together most times.
Sometimes I'm afraid to share because I don't know how to tell you what I believe without thinking that the moment it comes out of my mouth it will sound silly and absurd. There are so many things I'm still mucking about with that if you ask me, I'll just have to tell you that I seriously don't know. Maybe if I can pluck up the courage, I'll write it down. I'll write it down so hard and assuredly that you'll just know and I'll just believe.
But for now.
It's been a year of moderate highs and very deep lows.
I'll just need to climb out of this one soon.
Thursday, 29 November 2007
a vent
Pent up inside
Breaking through
I wish I could say
I LOVE YOU!
---
If God were my boyfriend, I think He would be dismally disappointed (that doesn't sound quite right) with the amount of time and effort I lavish on Him. I mean, Sundays. Saturdays, sometimes grudgingly. A flip through the Bible when I feel like it, or when I'm not too half-asleep. If God were a guy, He would have given up on me a long time ago for not being interested enough.
But He doesn't let go, does He?
I feel Sunday's going to be great, even if she changed my songs again. (Or rather forced me to change it.) I wonder if she does this to others or just to me? Grrrr....
Breaking through
I wish I could say
I LOVE YOU!
---
If God were my boyfriend, I think He would be dismally disappointed (that doesn't sound quite right) with the amount of time and effort I lavish on Him. I mean, Sundays. Saturdays, sometimes grudgingly. A flip through the Bible when I feel like it, or when I'm not too half-asleep. If God were a guy, He would have given up on me a long time ago for not being interested enough.
But He doesn't let go, does He?
I feel Sunday's going to be great, even if she changed my songs again. (Or rather forced me to change it.) I wonder if she does this to others or just to me? Grrrr....
Saturday, 24 November 2007
a love poem
To slip my hand in yours
Watching that smile on your face
As you dream your dreams
Spread your wings
And find your God-given place
To slip my hand in yours
As we take steps into the unknown
Where we'll dance and sing
And vibrance bring
To where the Lord has shown
To slip my hand in yours
With our eyes firmly fixed on Him
To bring the stage
Through culture and age
While on Him we lean
---
I would be your ministry partner, your dance partner, your acting consort and duet, if you would have me.
Watching that smile on your face
As you dream your dreams
Spread your wings
And find your God-given place
To slip my hand in yours
As we take steps into the unknown
Where we'll dance and sing
And vibrance bring
To where the Lord has shown
To slip my hand in yours
With our eyes firmly fixed on Him
To bring the stage
Through culture and age
While on Him we lean
---
I would be your ministry partner, your dance partner, your acting consort and duet, if you would have me.
Sunday, 11 November 2007
11 Nov
Dear God,
It has been a while.
A long while.
I don't know why, I don't know where and I don't know how.
There are simply no words to say, and simply nothing I can do to make it better.
I am distracted. You know why. Couldn't you make it any clearer or am I not reading you right? Am I so caught up that I can't tell the difference anymore?
You work wonders, I know.
Only, the wonder I'm truly waiting for just seems to tantalizingly out of my reach.
I don't want to make the first move. I don't think I should. But all the same, I wish I could. Am I merely being afraid of nothing?
Is this even right?
Sometimes I feel like I can't function anymore.
There needs to be something more concrete than this... living life.
I feel like running away, running and running and never coming back. I'm not handling this right.
I don't think I will ever understand it.
Maybe I'm just not sleeping enough.
I don't want to go on Sat. Not only because I have other plans, but because of what they want to talk about. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to hear about it.
I'm still in avoidance mode, and I know it.
Something's got to give, but I don't know what. I've said this before. But everytime something gives, something else takes it place.
When will this ever end?
I'm tired.
Frustrated.
I wish you could just be here.
Hold me.
Let me know it's going to be okay.
Good night. I'm too tired. I ache all over.
But he was nice today.
And you were good.
So I shall rest happy.
At least.
Yours,
me.
It has been a while.
A long while.
I don't know why, I don't know where and I don't know how.
There are simply no words to say, and simply nothing I can do to make it better.
I am distracted. You know why. Couldn't you make it any clearer or am I not reading you right? Am I so caught up that I can't tell the difference anymore?
You work wonders, I know.
Only, the wonder I'm truly waiting for just seems to tantalizingly out of my reach.
I don't want to make the first move. I don't think I should. But all the same, I wish I could. Am I merely being afraid of nothing?
Is this even right?
Sometimes I feel like I can't function anymore.
There needs to be something more concrete than this... living life.
I feel like running away, running and running and never coming back. I'm not handling this right.
I don't think I will ever understand it.
Maybe I'm just not sleeping enough.
I don't want to go on Sat. Not only because I have other plans, but because of what they want to talk about. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to hear about it.
I'm still in avoidance mode, and I know it.
Something's got to give, but I don't know what. I've said this before. But everytime something gives, something else takes it place.
When will this ever end?
I'm tired.
Frustrated.
I wish you could just be here.
Hold me.
Let me know it's going to be okay.
Good night. I'm too tired. I ache all over.
But he was nice today.
And you were good.
So I shall rest happy.
At least.
Yours,
me.
Sunday, 21 October 2007
depressed
What is it about You that makes me want to run?
What is it about Your words that makes me afraid?
I don't want to know. I don't want to know. Idon'twannadon'twannadon'twannaknowknowknowknowknow
What don't I want to know?
I don't want to confront myself.
To see the ugliness I know hides inside.
All the things I should have, could have changed, but haven't.
All the things I should have, could have done, but haven't.
I identify with Moses. I'm frustrated.
I don't know if I'm in the right place, with the right people, at the right time. All I see is the low level of commitment, the idiocy of the people and their irresponsibility.
Kill me, I'm being judgemental. But I can't stand it, and I don't want to care anymore.
Can't I not care any more?
Can't I not feel hurt?
Why do I have to bother to try and gather to let them just... just... ignore me?
Why is this important to me? The church has survived without it for this long, it can go on surviving without it for much longer. It's not like they care, it's not like they want it.
Am I pushing my own agenda onto the Church?
Am I moving too fast in all the wrong places?
Am I even in the right place?
What is it about Your words that makes me afraid?
I don't want to know. I don't want to know. Idon'twannadon'twannadon'twannaknowknowknowknowknow
What don't I want to know?
I don't want to confront myself.
To see the ugliness I know hides inside.
All the things I should have, could have changed, but haven't.
All the things I should have, could have done, but haven't.
I identify with Moses. I'm frustrated.
I don't know if I'm in the right place, with the right people, at the right time. All I see is the low level of commitment, the idiocy of the people and their irresponsibility.
Kill me, I'm being judgemental. But I can't stand it, and I don't want to care anymore.
Can't I not care any more?
Can't I not feel hurt?
Why do I have to bother to try and gather to let them just... just... ignore me?
Why is this important to me? The church has survived without it for this long, it can go on surviving without it for much longer. It's not like they care, it's not like they want it.
Am I pushing my own agenda onto the Church?
Am I moving too fast in all the wrong places?
Am I even in the right place?
Sunday, 7 October 2007
questions
Why all the knee-jerk reaction and back lash? What are you still trying to deny or avoid?
Where once there was surety and certainty, you have let your doubts and anxieties seep through to colour your lenses. Think again: is it God, or is it you?
Are you trying to run again, where you've always scattered and fallen?
Or will you pick yourself up, steel your nerves and carry on?
Like the bulldozer you are. And your father before you.
To push through.
To break through.
Where once there was surety and certainty, you have let your doubts and anxieties seep through to colour your lenses. Think again: is it God, or is it you?
Are you trying to run again, where you've always scattered and fallen?
Or will you pick yourself up, steel your nerves and carry on?
Like the bulldozer you are. And your father before you.
To push through.
To break through.
Monday, 1 October 2007
the church
The question is: is it fundamentally a problem with ME, or a problem with the church?
Does everyone, at one point or another, feel that church just isn’t the be-all and end-all of Christian life? What happens if you decide to leave the church? Or change churches?
The people I’ve grown up with have either moved away (permanently or temporarily) or our friendships have drifted apart somewhat. Then again, we never really had that close a friendship in the first place.
The one main bond I had that identified me strongly with the church I’m in was the fact that I was a PK – one of THE PKs. But now all that’s changed – or rather, is in the state of changing.
And there it is again. That thought. I could now, just leave silently, quietly, disappear. And I doubt I’d feel a thing. They may feel it, for a while. But then it would be nothing personal. It wouldn’t be the loss of a close friend, or a close working relationship. It would be just one less singer. One less worship leader. One less actor for a church that doesn’t do drama anyway.
I might have been sad about leaving the
Would it seriously make a difference if I went or stayed?
The only holding me back right now is, as always, the responsibilities I have taken upon myself for the things I have committed to do.
But how long can mere responsibility tie me to a place I don’t really feel a part of?
Tuesday, 10 July 2007
sloppy living
What can you say when you see your friend falling apart? If I had the faith enough for the two of us, I'd offer him some, but I don't.
I don't understand life either, and I don't understand his problem. All I can offer is to listen and try not to condemn him.
I don't condemn him, but sometimes I feel like I would just like to give him a big slap - which won't do anything for him. I'd just feel a little better. This is why I'm not cut out to be a counselor and why I don't intend to be one.
But seriously - is there anything to say when someone has made up his mind not to care about the consequences of careless living? Is there anything to say when someone has deliberately decided to NOT live a life that is pleasing to God? It's not that he's stopped believing. He says that he does believe. But he just can't handle life as it is. Or maybe he just doesn't want to.
Or do I really mean 'a life that is pleasing to man'? The way we are supposed to live and act are so defined by culture and norms anyway, that maybe all that he's stopped doing is catering to man's expectations.
I've come to realise that I've been living incredibly sloppily for the past year. (To be seriously honest, for the whole of my life would be more like it.) I've been sloppy in my work... sloppy in the way I do things... extremely sloppy with spiritual disciplines... even sloppy with the things I love to do best - drama and writing!
This really has to change.
And it's going to.
To do only that which is necessary.
God, help me know what is necessary.
I don't understand life either, and I don't understand his problem. All I can offer is to listen and try not to condemn him.
I don't condemn him, but sometimes I feel like I would just like to give him a big slap - which won't do anything for him. I'd just feel a little better. This is why I'm not cut out to be a counselor and why I don't intend to be one.
But seriously - is there anything to say when someone has made up his mind not to care about the consequences of careless living? Is there anything to say when someone has deliberately decided to NOT live a life that is pleasing to God? It's not that he's stopped believing. He says that he does believe. But he just can't handle life as it is. Or maybe he just doesn't want to.
Or do I really mean 'a life that is pleasing to man'? The way we are supposed to live and act are so defined by culture and norms anyway, that maybe all that he's stopped doing is catering to man's expectations.
I've come to realise that I've been living incredibly sloppily for the past year. (To be seriously honest, for the whole of my life would be more like it.) I've been sloppy in my work... sloppy in the way I do things... extremely sloppy with spiritual disciplines... even sloppy with the things I love to do best - drama and writing!
This really has to change.
And it's going to.
To do only that which is necessary.
God, help me know what is necessary.
Sunday, 24 June 2007
necessities
The theme that has been playing in my head has been this:
It means that I have to start stream-lining my activities, and cutting down on idle time. It means that I must start to refocus my energies, my thoughts, my activities and all that defines me at this point of time, to that which is necessary - to that which is needful and useful for the Kingdom.
Amazingly, just thinking about this has started to bear fruit. I have cut down on some internet time, cut down on day-dreaming... neglected my poor script frenzy play...
and we are going to start promoting CAM in the church. We are going to start with YA. We are starting to move.
To do only that which is necessary. I need to stop wasting time.
Time is precious.
Time is life.
Life is precious.
to do only that which is necessaryWhat does this mean?
It means that I have to start stream-lining my activities, and cutting down on idle time. It means that I must start to refocus my energies, my thoughts, my activities and all that defines me at this point of time, to that which is necessary - to that which is needful and useful for the Kingdom.
Amazingly, just thinking about this has started to bear fruit. I have cut down on some internet time, cut down on day-dreaming... neglected my poor script frenzy play...
and we are going to start promoting CAM in the church. We are going to start with YA. We are starting to move.
To do only that which is necessary. I need to stop wasting time.
Time is precious.
Time is life.
Life is precious.
Wednesday, 20 June 2007
write
Write it down.
But I can't.
It's all stuck up there
in my brain
and won't come out.
I don't know what I'm feeling
I don't know what I want
I don't know how to write it down
How do you put into words
Things that are unspeakable?
My heart is full
But I can't tell you what it's saying
Write it down
But I can't
I don't know how
to put into words
these thoughts
But I can't.
It's all stuck up there
in my brain
and won't come out.
I don't know what I'm feeling
I don't know what I want
I don't know how to write it down
How do you put into words
Things that are unspeakable?
My heart is full
But I can't tell you what it's saying
Write it down
But I can't
I don't know how
to put into words
these thoughts
Tuesday, 29 May 2007
provocateur?
...You have been provoked much in the faith... you will be one who provokes others... a provocateur... you're so special... When God made you, he threw away the mold... God's put you on a pedestal... it's really not you... but you've become comfortable there... you're wondering what you're doing here...
I don't want to be here.
The pedestal doesn't belong to me. Only to You.
I don't want to be comfortable here.
Why provoke? You know I hate a fight. It makes me upset. It's hard. I don't like it.
I don't understand Your purposes.
And yet, not my will, but Yours be done.
I don't want to be here.
The pedestal doesn't belong to me. Only to You.
I don't want to be comfortable here.
Why provoke? You know I hate a fight. It makes me upset. It's hard. I don't like it.
I don't understand Your purposes.
And yet, not my will, but Yours be done.
Friday, 25 May 2007
enough
Far too much
My hands won't hold
Dreams too large
For my eyes to behold
My heart's not large enough
To hold all You will
And yet,
Let me be what You want me to be
You've given too much!
I can't handle all
that You want
All that You've said
All that You've given
Unless You handle it for me.
My hands won't hold
they're not strong enough.
My heart won't hold
it's not large enough
and yet You are enough
You are enough
Yes, You are.
Are these dreams of You?
But where else would they come from?
If You've birthed them, Lord,
You carry them through.
You pull them forth.
You wean them.
Nurture them.
I cannot.
Cannot.
Not without You.
Take them.
Use them as You will.
I am deathly afraid.
You are too big for me.
At times, I am too big for me.
I was not made for big things.
I am too afraid.
And yet,
Take me.
I will.
As You will.
My hands won't hold
Dreams too large
For my eyes to behold
My heart's not large enough
To hold all You will
And yet,
Let me be what You want me to be
You've given too much!
I can't handle all
that You want
All that You've said
All that You've given
Unless You handle it for me.
My hands won't hold
they're not strong enough.
My heart won't hold
it's not large enough
and yet You are enough
You are enough
Yes, You are.
Are these dreams of You?
But where else would they come from?
If You've birthed them, Lord,
You carry them through.
You pull them forth.
You wean them.
Nurture them.
I cannot.
Cannot.
Not without You.
Take them.
Use them as You will.
I am deathly afraid.
You are too big for me.
At times, I am too big for me.
I was not made for big things.
I am too afraid.
And yet,
Take me.
I will.
As You will.
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