Passion: a rumination

Maybe in starting I should clarify that I am tired of big events. I am tired of watching a generation get fired up about concerts and conferences and huge "worship" events, endlessly chattering about how good the music was, how awesome the performances were and how funny the speaker was, and then going home unchanged, unchanging.
Maybe I am not deeply emotional enough to be drawn so far into the atmosphere of the moment, or maybe I am too rational and rigid in my thinking that I am skeptical about present feelings. I don't understand how people say things like "It was awesome! I really felt God's presence" when I didn't feel anything (should I have?) but then go right on and talk about the weirdest / grossest / most inappropriate things when I want is to rest silently and ponder, or discuss something deeper.

It could be that I am just different. Strange. Weird. Anti-social.

Putting that into perspective, Passion was a rich mine of songs that went beyond pure emotional, egocentric modern lyrics into the depth of theology and fullness of God.

"Jesus Messiah" - Chris Tomlin

He became sin
Who knew no sin
That we might become His Righteousness
He humbled himself and carried the cross
Love so amazing
Love so amazing

(Chorus)
Jesus Messiah
Name above all names
Blessed Redeemer
Emmanuel
The rescue for sinners
The ransom from Heaven
Jesus Messiah
Lord of all

His body the bread
His blood the wine
Broken and poured out all for love
The whole earth trembled
And the veil was torn

(Chorus)

All I hope is in You
All I hope is in You
All the glory to You, God
The light of the world

We need songs like these to remind us. We need remembrance that He became sin for us. We need depth. Yes, we do need our emo "response" songs, but we have a surfeit of that. It could be that one of the reasons why songs in worship do not affect me as they used to, or as they do others, is the way I think too much about the lyrics, the way the words sound that distracts me, the meaninglessness of words that irritates me. I play with words, they are my pride and joy, they are my tools and craft. They have come to mean nothing. Empty. Noises. It is easier to sing 'I love You' in a song, because the melody is nice and catchy, than it is to say it to Him in person, or to show it in action. And yet a song that states "He became sin who knew no sin that we might become His Righteousness. He humbled himself and carried the cross, Love so amazing" is something that is a statement of fact in itself and whether you mean it or not, it remains true.

The heart of Passion revealed something deeper where we were shown the interconnectedness between each supposedly "separate" event in the world tour, each preceding stop praying and giving towards the coming one. Not your own, no, that none can say I did it, but for the next. Always for another, passing on what was received.

The message?

Indeed, while following the way of Your judgments, O Lord, we have waited for You eagerly; You name, even Your memory, is the desire of our souls. [Isaiah 26:8]

Now all these things are from God, who reconciled us to Himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation, namely, that God was in Christ reconciling the world to Himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and He has committed to us the word of reconciliation. Therefore we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God were making an appeal through us; we beg you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God. He made Him who know no sin to be sin on our behalf, so that we might become the righteousness of God in Him. [2 Cor 5: 18 - 21]

"Lord" has no meaning unless you have totally surrendered yourself. "Grace" has no meaning until you know that you have been judged and cannot redeem yourself. "Reconciliation" makes no sense unless you know that you've been separated.

Empty words, without its context. And yet, that is what the world needs. Reconciliation, though we sometimes refuse to see that we have fallen away, and grace, because no matter how much we delude ourselves, we know we can't make it on our own.

Empty words, without action put to it. So then again we come back to the same issue: what then are you going to do about it?

And the interesting, yet dangerous point, that Louie Giglio put out to us was this: we are not of the world, but we are still in it. We can be totally tripped out and crazy about God, but we need to be in our senses; to be able to relate to the world. We need to be able to talk to them about cars and games and books and cooking and everything else. We need to be able to be one of them. Just one of them. And yet be different. To know the greater goal. To be able to understand and not condemn. To be followers of Christ, and not holier-than-thou. We need to understand that THERE IS NO "US" AND "THEM", because we cannot win a fallen world by telling them how sinful they are.

That was not how God did it - He came down to our level and said, 'hey look, I know it's tough, but there's a better way, and I can help you. We can do it together.'

So why are we so embalmed in our Christian sub-culture that we repel all but the truest seekers? Can't we be like that girl Krista (sp?) who was so fervent for God and yet so down-to-earth and open to listen and empathise? Why can't we stop passing judgement?

Food for thought. Maybe food for action. The Passion Tour is something that must germinate in your heart and mind. I don't know how they make snap judgements about it being awesome. Maybe they think faster than I do. Maybe they have different criteria of judgement.

Passion needs more thought yet.

justice

We were having a discussion on why Jesus died. One of the questions went: but why did he have to die?
I think the predominant answer was, because He wanted to forgive; because of love. He wanted to demonstrate love.
But couldn't he have done it some other way?
Funny thing is, it was brought to "no greater love than this, than for man to lay down his life for a friend."
While yes, true, Jesus had to die because He loved us and wanted us to go back to God, that isn't the whole part of the story. If it were, He could have loved us in any other way and forgiven us in any other way.

We were also asked what the cross meant to us.
Standard answers: love, forgiveness, grace, mercy, Jesus.
I answered justice. I don't know why. It was just... justice. Justice or injustice? Because what happened wasn't fair? I didn't know what to say, but right now, I think what I meant was just... justice, because justice had to happen, and it happened then.
And that is why Jesus had to die.

Why justice? Isn't love the best answer? Shouldn't it be the only answer?
Love is only one side of the coin.
What about the fact that God is Holy and cannot bear sin? What about the fact that there is no other way to become holy again other than through blood sacrifice? What about the fact that sin requires judgement and punishment?
Yes, God loved us.
But He died because to love us enough to make us holy again, the price had to be paid for sin.
You cannot have one without the other.
Anything less is to cheapen the Gospel.
And that we are doing every day.

On an aside, why is the symbol of the cross so lightly used now, even amongst Christians?
I think it's an overall symptom of the shallow understanding we have of the cross.
And satan knows, to destroy a culture, you tear down its symbols.
The cross has been so cheapened that it doesn't hold its proper meaning anymore. Instead, we have grown a subculture of "Christian" labels and slogans that nothing is meaningful to us if it doesn't come in nice catchy sound bytes.

bah, humbug

I don't think it's faith that I have issues with.
It's the whole church set up and how it just doesn't make sense. It's insular. And inbreeding. And we just don't see it. Why can't we see it? Why can't we show it up for what it really is?
But anyone who does that is branded as faithless. An infidel, if you would like to use that word. An anti-Christ, who is trying to tear down the church.
But it's the church that doesn't make sense. It's not serving it's purpose. It's a hierarchy to man. A structure clung on to because it used to work.
What difference does the lights and sound and fancy work do?
Nothing. It only stirs you up to throw you down again. The very nature of its highs and lows only serves to confuse, and where one could have been sure of faith, it obscures the issue and makes one discard it as mere emotionalism for the moment.
And yet, because of the way we have been brought up, it is necessary.
We need it because we can't understand anything that we can't feel.
What happened to faith? What happened to believing that which we cannot see nor touch nor feel?

trust

What we fail to trust, we will fight.
Why am I fighting you?
I know everything in my brain. So many things in my brain.
But I don't know what I am doing, and why.
Is this part of the plan?
Say yes, because at least knowing that something is supposed to be going right would be a nice feeling right now.
Controversial, you said.
Controversial, I am.
But I never thought it would be this way.
Where everyone else seems to know, but me.
What ever is said, it's not home. It is NOT home.
And I don't know how to fix it.
I give up knowing.
I give up understanding.
Give me the right to be peaceful in my unhappiness.
Let me know it's okay to be unsettled.
Let me know that it's alright to be not alright.
Isn't that where trust comes in?

Churchianity

One of the biggest problems of churches today is churchianity. There are scores of young, second (or third or fourth) generation Christians who believe because their parents believe. They have no terms of reference beyond what the church says. In a logical debate, the best they can come up with is circular thinking that goes along the lines of "this is true because the Bible says it is true and the Bible is true because I believe it is true". If you take the Bible out of the equation and ask them how else they can prove that what they believe is true, they have no plausible answer. They go stammering back to the sentence, "but the Bible says..." This does not work in a world of skeptics.
Another thought forwarded was, "this is true for me. You must try it for yourself." If it is true for me because I believe it is true, and you must try it to know if it is true, how different is that from the new age thinking that says that truth is relative to a person? Fine and good for you if you think it's true. Whatever works for you, man.
We discussed in CLEY three of the common theories to disprove that Jesus rose from the dead.
One - he did not die. He fainted and woke up in the tomb. Stupid theory - the Roman soldiers were professionals at killing. I doubt that since they made sure the two thieves were dead that they would have missed out on making sure Jesus was dead.
Two - the disciples stole the body. Maybe, if they were desperate enough to break with their own ingrown Jewish tradition of not touching "unclean" things (hard to believe if you've ever tried to reason with those who are superstitious) and fight the Roman soldiers (It would have been a tough fight - I doubt that the Romans would slack in their jobs and they were highly trained, something that the Jews were not). Where then would they have put the body?
Three - the authorities themselves spirited away the body. If they had done this, why did they not bring it out when the news was being spread about that Jesus had risen? If they were in possession of his real body, they could have easily disproven the new religion and gotten rid of the disciples. What was there to gain in hiding the body?
The assumed position of the leader then was that we were all defending the resurrection of Jesus. I beg to differ. All we were doing was to show the pitfalls and fallacies of those theories because frankly, they do not make sense. But disproving those theories do not prove that Jesus rose. They do not give any facts that can conclusively show that he did or did not rise. All they prove is that he died and his body disappeared.
So when put to the question of what then is the evidence that he truly resurrected, you have to take it back to the texts. Obviously if you are questioning the truth of the Bible, you cannot point back to biblical statements on his appearances. Were there any other texts outside the Bible that say he was seen alive? I don't know. I haven't heard of them. Has he been seen since? Say, if he appeared 2,000 years ago, does he appear now? How do you know he is alive? What of all these other theories and archaeological finds that seem to say that all this is really another religious scam?
The young church of today cannot answer these questions. The only lingo they speak is Christianese, and this does not make sense to a skeptical world. They are not able to take themselves out of the cocoon they have put themselves into, with its prosperity teachings and their own brand of superstitions. And the deeper problem, I feel, is this: when faced with a problem, they spew out Churchified and Christianesed answers. They give you feel-good messages that make you feel guilty because it makes you wonder what you've done wrong and why this God of theirs doesn't love you. They have their set of answers that really doesn't answer anything. They say that you must reach your lowest point before you can truly seek God and find him and understand what they are talking about. What if you've reached your lowest point but you still don't? Then they say that you aren't seeking him. And again it is your fault. Always your fault. You did not have enough faith.
Maybe the best answer to a skeptical world is that we do not know. We too are humans. We can only make sense of what we have experienced and what we have in our hands. We cannot prove that Jesus is alive because we have not seen Him. You cannot prove that He did not rise because all the theories, in the end, break down. At an impasse like this, the best we can say is, because of faith we are willing to stake our lives on this. Would you stake yours on what you believe?

of separate entities and SOX testing.

Like maybe the job gets to you and all that, right? But I was just mentioning to Shari that I would like to be a separate entity for once. I would like to stop thinking of myself as someone's sister, daughter or friend. I would like to stop comparing and thinking that everyone else seems to have it so much better than me. Smarter. More hardworking. Prettier. More talented. Less shy. More outgoing.
What is it about humans that we must have a list of things that we are not, and want to be them? It's like we keep harping on the liabilities and never take into account the assets that we have. Silly, right? Lending and borrowing circulates the money. Having a current ratio of more than 2:1 would mean that you're underutilising your cash. Sometimes you do need some liabilities.

And yet, as Ps Isaac expounded, it's all really about grace, and how it's a gift. And the favour is a gift. And that, really being grace, and being a gift, should keep us from looking down on ourselves. He thinks we're worth it. Who are you to think otherwise? Or who are you to judge if you're more "worth it" or not? And that should make us equal to everyone else. If only that lesson could be drilled down and nailed into my brain!

And so, the parable of the labourer brings this personal application that even if you're saved at different stages of your life, you still end up in the same heaven. You may have served God for 90 years, or 9 seconds, you may have been a good Christian all your life, or only some of it, but grace is grace, and covers all. It's unmerited. You can't buy it. You just receive. At the end of it, you must believe and receive that grace.
I figure it's a little like SOX (Sarbanes-Oxley) testing. As long as the controls work at the balance sheet date, you're alright. You're in the clear.

I suppose you need to be an accountant (or something related) to understand that.
And yes, I miss writing.

...

Maybe sometimes just the right word in the right season will do more good than a dozen naggings.
I am tired of telling myself to do all the right things, out of guilt and out of the feeling that I need to do something to make things change. I keep saying things and thinking things and having good resolutions that never move beyond resolve.

Thank you for gently probing and waiting for me to get those stumbling words out, because for all I need to speak, I don't know how to phrase things right. I don't know why I'm telling you things, but you're there, and I trust you. Some how.

So please keep pressing on, because I'm trying to stop falling and I can't do it alone.

hidden talents

I do think that there is a talent that only Christians possess - the ability to make a non-issue blow up into something hugely gigantic just by "trying to care".

But on talents, I think it is time to refocus on what I used to see as my main strength.
Writing.
There are too many issues with the stage that I am too tired to work through, and have no time to think about. It is something I am too unsure about.

Thinking about it, the issue stems from overprotectiveness, and the tendency to not do something just because the world has made it something bad. How about how the church can make it something good?

Maybe it is also time to get away again. There is something about this place that makes me afraid to be all that I want to be. There is something about this place that makes me care too much about what other people think. The issue here is really not about what other people think, but about what I think other people will think.

Who the heck cares about what other people think when I think that it's something God wants me to do?

(But if it backfires, I still have to face their I-told-you-so's.)

Do you gather faith like poppies?
Maybe I should just make a stand and strike out where I want to.

I do not wish to be afraid.

words

There are words that finally emerge from their obscurity from the process of talking (I need to do this more often, or rather, to do the right kind of talking more often).

Another issue I have with the church (that I'm supposedly in now) is the way they seem to make me a non-person. Until and unless they see me face to face.

To elaborate, a pet peeve of church (and also of my high school's CF) is the way they seem to assume that if they have told your mom / dad / sister / best friend / other friends, they have told you. I refuse to work under those conditions. If I am not valuable enough to you to have you tell me face-to-face - well, not even face-to-face, but at least through sms / mass e-mail / phone call, or at least something remotely personal - why should I bother to appear when you want me to, or do what you want me to?

I am not my mom / dad / sister / best friend / other person. I am me, and I don't have any telepathic abilities. I can't read their minds. Or yours.

I am tired of being a non-person who is only remembered via someone else (oh yeah, we must invite her sister too, right?), or by being actually physically in front of their faces (hey, I haven't seen you for quite a while huh...[but i was on msn, you know?])

i

I am springtime's waters
Flooding down your veins
Torrents of your past
Drowning all your pain

I am summer's dryness
Hot against your skin
Sucking up your life
Drying up your soul

I am autumn's wind
Harsh upon your body
Hard against the rocks
Breaking all you hold

I am winter's breath
Cold upon your fingers
Strong about your heart
Never let you go

I am all you wished you were
And all you hate to be
I am fey, unveiled, revealed
I was never meant to be.

whys

Why can't I see things the way you see it?
Why do I have to be all negative and despondent and harsh?
Why am I always so hard and afraid?
Why can't I just do what I think I should do?
Why can't I just make up my mind?
Why does it feel that every decision I'm making is the wrong one?
Why do I bother so much about what others say?
Why can't everyone else just shut up?
Why can't I sort out between feelings and God?
Why am I so worried about what you say?

angst

"But how long can mere responsibility tie me to a place I don’t really feel a part of?"

Dear God,
Are you there?
I thought I knew what you were saying, but I don't know anymore.
So many times I thought... that this was it. This was right. This would work.
But I'm still here, again.
I thought coming back was right. I thought starting CAM was right. I thought I was ready to take flight.
I was wrong.
I thought I could stay. I thought I could finally build. I thought that maybe, this time, something new and beautiful would emerge.
I was wrong.
I thought leaving was right. I thought that if I could only see things from a new perspective, things would be different.
I don't know.
I don't know what you're saying anymore, because there are so many voices crowding me. There are so many past decisions that made sense, that sounded right, that felt right, but now in the light of newer decisions, are clashing together.
And bringing them all together now, I don't know which is right and which is wrong. To go or to stay. To dig and build, or to find a new home.
Maybe the right decision is to just let all of this force me out into going somewhere new, and somewhere fresh, where all the old voices and patterns won't force me back into the shell that I've built around my heart.
I was so sure that I was to be here. Now. Then I was so sure that I was to leave. Now.
All I can say at this moment in time is, I don't know anymore. The voices won't rest, and my heart won't feel.
Maybe that's why I turn up the music, so I won't think. So that I won't hear anything past the blast of sound.
But maybe that's why I'm not hearing you either. Because I won't allow myself to.
I don't know, God.
I can't hear you.
And I don't know if I'm trying all that hard to anymore.
Let me go, but don't.

Find me. Please.

thoughts

[I don't know how right this is, but it's been fermenting for a while.]

Christianity is not overt. It does not push itself in your face and exert its spirituality.
Christianity is not covert. It does not hide itself behind the curtains or switch itself off in embarrassment.

Christianity is. It's just there, if you choose to see it. Or not there, if you choose not to.

Because everything is an interpretation, but which is the true one?

---

Modern worship songs are too egocentric. They focus on "I". "I will worship", "I will come", "I live for you". They are difficult songs to sing, if you happen to be facing a low in your spiritual life. And so many people lie every Sunday, singing an "I will / I love you" song to God that they don't mean. Or they think they mean.

Maybe that's why I sometimes prefer hymns that focus on who God is. So even if you're feeling terrible, you can know that the words you're singing are true.

of two minds

somewhere along the lines of:

who am i, 23 and it's all a lie
thought i knew who i was
i thought that You were here with me
but this darkness is breaking everything in me
and these infinite questions have shattered all the peace

but i won't question in the dark
what is true out in the light
i will follow after you
through the sun and through the night

cause You've got me right where You want me
yeah, You've got me right where I need to be
yeah, and i'm standing amazed

where did it go, 33 and it's gone so fast
thought i knew who i was
i thought that You were leading me
but this depression is crashing in on me
and i'm not the half the man i hoped i'd be

but i won't question in the dark
what is true out in the light
i will follow after you
through the storm and through the fight

cause You've got me right where You want me
yeah, You've got me right where I need to be
yeah, and i'm standing amazed
Amazed/Jason Roy/Building 429

leading up to:

come like You promised You would
i want to surrender for good
i know that i need You and i don't
want to keep living life alone
so take this heart and make it new
make it true make it like You
take my hands i lift them high
they're yours not mine to do

do what You will
do what You will
do what You will

i feel like a blind man in Your sight
i know that i'm wicked in Your eyes
so wash me and make me shine like Your
Son, i want to tell everyone that
You're the only one

i'm ready now, i'm ready now
i'm ready now, do what You will
i'm ready now
i'm ready now
i'm ready now
Ready Now/Jared Anderson/Desperation Band

But it's not quite there yet.

Sunday writings

Follow Him, they said to me
And pointed down the road
I set my feet to follow them
With my heavy load
Far ahead, through misty ways
Lost sight of what was true
Called aloud in hopes that they
Would lead me back to You
Resounding back I thought I heard
A whisper in the night
But around the bend a fork reared
Its head to my sight
To the right they called to follow
Where they went and where they stayed
But the other path still draws me
And what I thought I heard You say
Now I don't know how to find You
And I don't know who You are
I don't know what You're saying
Through the babble from afar
I can't say that I do love You
I've too cold and closed a heart
And all I am is fragile
All I am is crumbling apart

---

When is it right to revisit past decisions?

---

And resounding again: am I too cold?

Church

I believe in the sanctity of the Church as a body, but not in the infallibility of the church as a unit.

AP was telling me about the coming Ministry Fair and how she's going to add in an advert for CAM (which I'm still depressed over, I don't think anything will come of it) and I was trying to tell her that I'm taking a break. Stepping down. Resigning. She was... I suppose she was everything I had expected everyone to react like, except no one has reacted that way so far. Is there some sort of birthright that says that if you were "born" (so to speak) in a church, that you must be a member of it all the days of your life? What happened to free will and the Church as a body? One can reasonably understand that others are in different churches because of their preference and God's leading, and / or due to personal reasons such as friends and relationships, but can't one understand that when someone doesn't really feel that strength of ownership in a particular church anymore that that someone should be given the leeway to try and discover if there is somewhere else more suitable? (I'm not talking a total drop out here.)

I don't know if it's right or wrong, but I believe in the Church as a body. I believe that churches, individually, should still come together and pull together as the Church as a whole. Yes, it's bad if there's a lot of "stealing of sheep" because there's no point in that (if it's undertaken as an exercise on its own), but what about legitimate needs of current members when a specific church isn't really meeting them?
Which is why I also believe in para-church organisations, such as the GCF, SU and FES. Because sometimes some needs and some work can only be done outside the church.

It's not that I'm saying one shouldn't be part of a local church. You should be part of a local church. It just doesn't have to be the same one from day one of your life to the end. Why? Because people change. Needs change. Churches change. Sometimes, the direction you're taking for your life doesn't match up to the direction of the church. It may or may not be a bad thing, just as it may or may not be a good thing. I know it's crappy to say this, but it depends. It depends on where you believe God is leading you. If your personal direction matches up with the church's, well and good for you. Stay on. Support it. But if it doesn't, what are you supposed to do? Stay on and slowly become a backbencher? Lose your own path in life?

Sometimes, taking a step back can only provide better clarity. Like you know, finally being able to see the forest for the trees? Seeing the big picture?

The big picture is this: churches individually make up the larger body of the Church, the Bride of Christ, and each has their different strengths which suit different people in different stages of their life. Let's not get all worked up when one goes from one church to another. Because in the end, we're on the same side. We're fighting the same battle.

In-fighting isn't going to help anyone much. (Same goes to UMNO.)

structure

I think maybe one of the things I'm really looking for is a church where I can actually fit into the structure, and not feel like one who is standing outside or above it. Not that I actually do, but sometimes it feels like it.
Maybe one of the things I'm really frustrated about is the fact that there is a structure... somewhat... but it doesn't seem to be working. There are cell groups, but no one really draws you in to one. There were discipleship groups, but after all the talk and discussion, no one actually invites you into one. There are committees and subcommittees to do different projects, but there is no support to carry them through.
Maybe what I'm looking for is really a mentor that can tell me, buck up, girl, we're moving on. Rather than wait for consensus.
Maybe, what I really want, is leadership.

rethink?

Apparently Pin has stepped down from the Saturday Night service. Ps HC asked if I could worship lead at least once a month, but I told him no. He's under the impression that I'm [also?] on a break. I don't want to say anything until I write that letter to Ps CK, and until I really know what I want to do.
But I do know what I don't want to do. I don't want to get tied up in church again because of guilt. And that is what will be if I start feeling sympathetic and say okay.
Fergus said this:

so i ask myself - what do i need to be doing before i feel like i am christian enough? where should i be serving before i feel like i can hold my head up in church? am i confusing a relationship with jesus with a visible display of obedience? am i bastardising service when it's absence makes me feel like i'm not earning my keep in His kingdom? when i see other people serving, i feel terrible. i know it doesn't make them holier, but it makes them more involved. and involvement is good, right? the church says that, right?

there's barely a line between a church exhorting people to serve and a person feeling bad for not serving. i want to stop thinking that i need to go back to god, like i'm a heathen. my head knows i have god. the rest of me should just knock it off.

And I agree.
As I've said before, I feel that I'm tied to this church because of obligation and expectation, and I don't want it to continue that way. It's not a nice feeling to wake up and go to church because I'm expected to or I have to.
I would like to do something unexpected. And find that it isn't unexpected, or isn't not-what-i-should-do. I would like to wake up on Sunday mornings with the thought that it's okay to take my time and smell the morning and not be there on time. I would like to not feel guilty for not doing enough, or for not being good enough. I would like to feel that it's okay not to be good enough, or persistent enough or dedicated enough, or strong enough, or big enough or holy enough because no one thinks that I should be there already.

I like to remember the smile on my face when for once, for real, my cell leader asked me... are you baptised and do you speak in tongues?
I also like to remember the semi-smirk I had when my drama director, on "interviewing" me said... not every one is allowed on stage. Because that is what I believed and I was happy for it, because it really didn't matter to me if I was or not, I just wanted to be there.
It was also nice to turn up at prayer meetings because I wanted to and felt I should. Rather than to find excuses not to go because I know I should but I don't want to.

And yet I feel sad, because whilst it will be easy to leave, it's always hard to say goodbye.
Even if they don't know I'm saying it.

on the parents

It was rather a relief, I suppose that after talking it over with my parents, the only thing that they said (my dad in particular) was to take my time about it and do it step by step.
The other thing that gave a little bit of relief was the comment my dad made in passing, where apparently T.T. Quah said something about it being okay (?) for me to leave because it would be difficult for me to continue working with people who had worked with my father. Or something like that. Which is a little bit of what I feel too.
So...
"See how"

words

Maybe Jian hit the nail on the head when he said that I bother too much about what people say.
So could I just be ruthless and throw caution to the wind and say "You suck. Good bye."
Which really isn't what I would naturally say.
But since I'm being abnormal anyway. Sigh.

And yet words, in some way, have ceased to matter. What I say isn't going to make much of a difference unless I actually do something.

Need time to think.
If I would give myself that.

where to?

So maybe by talking it over and over and over again, I will get more clarity on my own thoughts. I think. I don't know. Maybe by asking and talking and listening, I can define more clearly if this impulse was merely that - or something more.
I turned up in church this morning, and it didn't feel like Easter. It felt as if there was a bitterness in my soul. I don't know if I was upset because I felt I was being side-lined. I don't know if I was upset because... just because. Or maybe I'm just being stressed about Monday. So I was being grumpy. (Not an unusual feat or fact).
But song turned to tears, I don't know why, which is hard on me because I can usually shut out emotions and turn off the tap. Most times. And in the midst of it was this thought - that it was time to leave this church.
I don't know why. I don't know where to.
But I feel that it's time to move on.

But I'm afraid to. I don't know why. Maybe it's because when I finished with TARC in KL I was quite certain that I was to come back, and to come back to the church. I was quite sure that my place was to be in this church, with the Creative Arts. In the Worship Team.
Now I'm not so sure.
I don't know if it's because I'm being "overworked", if I am pushing myself too hard, or if I'm feeling guilty at the lack of results and/or lack of overall needful effort. I don't know if I'm being upset at the fact that I try, but it fails, or I try, but am told I am not needed. I don't know if I am taking offence at what that pastor said / implied last week. I don't know if in some ways I am still affected by my father's resignation, or if I am taking offence on his behalf, or if I feel in some ways overburdened by it. I don't know if this whole problem is because I feel that everyone is on their tippy-toes about me because of my father and the resignation, as if I am someone they need to guard and protect, and make sure I am not hurt (and yet they still inflict hurt). I also don't know if this is just some backlash to the realisation of the fact that I have never and probably will never fit in. That the ideas and interests and lifestyles of those around my age are dissimilar from mine and will probably never even touch in any sort of tangent.
I feel as if... people are expecting me to act a certain grown-up way and do certain things, while at the same time putting me down as a child, and taking away those opportunities offered earlier.
There are too many why's and if's in the consideration, and I think I will never be able to come to a single lucid explanation of my impulses and my fears, my desires and my hopes.

What I do know is this: I will probably never truly be able to be myself here. There are too many unspoken expectations that I have to deal with, both from myself and from the church. I feel that I have no room to grow, maybe because of the way I see myself in connection with the church, or maybe because... I don't know. I feel as if all the walls that I had taken down whilst in KL have been re-erected where they stand, maybe even further in.
What I don't know is this: if it will ever truly be different anywhere else because of the way I was made, because of the way I always react, and because of who I have gradually come to be.

There is the hope though, that just as CF & Metro Tab made me a different person than the one I am becoming, that maybe a change will reignite something that should be there.

Maybe church will somehow again become something more than a responsibility and a burden and an expectation and a guilt.

The question now is: where to, and when?

rebellion

Maybe what one needs to realise about youth and the rebellion towards the church is that it's generally not about a rebellion towards God, but against the status quo. The very idea of "church-going" to make one a Christian doesn't make sense. Christ died - yes, for the church - but in that very strain of idea, I am the church. And yes, whilst we are not to forget the assembling of the saints, the non-attendance of one at church on occasion should not be the be-all-end-all of one's spiritual life.

Yes, I admit I skipped a church service. On the occasion that I was tired, and I have already been to a service the night before. The assembling of the saints does not state that one must go to every service available on a given weekend, or if the service should be one that one often (or regularly) goes to, or if it must be a full church service, or a youth one.

To dig deeper into the truth, since I am setting out to be truthful to you by admitting my faults, I did not go to church, not only because I was tired physically, but because, to put it plainly, I am tired of the church. Rather - I am tired of the stress of placing me in the church. There is the need to dress up (to give the idea of one putting on the best for God), the need to mask up (to seem more spiritually there, or more together than I really am) and the need to answer myriads of questions on how I am (I'm fine, how are you, how is work, work is shit, but I can't tell you that)!

I was doing back-up vocals in the youth service last night, and I think I shall not do it again. There is nothing wrong with the youth or the youth service whatever, except that it just doesn't work to put old fogeys up on stage as the "seniors" coming to serve the youth when we have no relevance to them at all. The songs chosen, some new, mostly old, were songs that had some impact in my "era" of the youth - a time 5 years (and more) in the distance, and by the look on most of their faces (most, because one or two of the older ones seemed to get it), they were more bored, standing in the front of the hall by rote to listen and try to sing along to unfamiliar songs, rather than by any youthful exuberance or desire to get up and praise God. I feel personally that if no one has the desire to stand up in the front and jump, there is no need to ask them to do it, half-heartedly as it were, or by habit, because then it would have no meaning. It degenerates merely into a music concert, a spectator show. And thinking all of this on the stage while singing, with or without my hands lifted, I can see the irony of it all.

The aura that exudes is often a fake one, the lifting of hands by instinct or habit, and the mind is engaged in analysing the worshipfullness or not of the church and/or the youth-going crowd. And wondering behind it all: what is this worth? What is the worth of this "worship" and good music, and bringing in bands and concerts and speakers, when at the end of it, there is no passion or no drive to really see the Kingdom of God? Maybe it's the dryness of my soul, or the hardness of my heart, but I see no point. There is no point pushing and striving when what is not there is not there. Give it up and try something different. If they don't want to sing, maybe that is not their reasonable worship! Give them other ways, and see where that brings the group as a whole. At least they are genuine in their "boredom", though it worries the adults so much. I would rather not touch the youth as a whole, because every time I do, a certain idea of disdain and judging comes into the picture, because I compare between the things we did and what they do now, and find it not at all satisfactory. And maybe it should be that way (that I should distance myself from this) because it is hardly healthy for me or for them to have someone telling them what they should and should not do, in such judgemental tones. Let them rather work with people who understand where they are at and work with them to bring them up to different standards than those I think I am used to!

And on the other more painful matter of my facade, let it be known clearly that I am, frankly, tired and depressed. I try to avoid the Vale of Tempe road for the sole reason that every time I pass a certain bend, I wonder, what if I just drove straight off instead of turning with the road? I do not play about with knives and scissors for the reason that it sometimes pops into mind, what if I started deliberately cutting?
And no, this is not cause for worry, because I am too sensible and rational to ever attempt such things. Besides, the very fact that I can state this clearly and openly should drive from your minds the idea that I would do it. The curse of the writer is that to write is bare all, and the writing down of such thoughts is cathartic and clears the mind and heart for better thoughts and feelings to enter - at the cost of making others worry unnecessarily, and by the very fact that they often respond negatively and worry at it like a dog worrying at a bone, this often compounds the problem by driving the idea back firmly into the writer's head!

And back to the church. The church! The church that is supposed to build each one up in love, but often passes judgement as to their skills and abilities. It shouldn't hurt, but it does, that a certain pastor should come up to me and ask if I would be unnecessarily stressed to lead worship on Easter Sunday, and if it would be better to ask another pastor to do the said job, or would it be alright for me? So she casts doubt on my ability, or my anointing (if I have such a thing), and since she has done that, I would rather save her the worry (and myself too) by letting the said other pastor take over. Need I grab on to the job as if to save face, and prove myself? But as I said, it still hurts, because you've shown your doubts about me, and being who I am, it does in some ways shatter my self-confidence, in the same way that it is shaken whenever I am requested to change my songs.

But what really matters in the end, is not whether I go to church or not, whether I am a good example or not, or whether I am on people's prayer list as a possible danger(!), but the fact that He loves me the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. What I do may make Him sad, or disappointed as it makes me sad and disgusted at myself, but there is always that constant love and hope, because of His unfailing love, and because even in the dark Saturday of my mind, tomorrow is Sunday, and He will rise, is rising, has risen.

The church? The church as a whole needs a face lift. And maybe I really shouldn't stay where I am not wanted. But will it be different anywhere else?

voter

I suppose now that I have voted, I might as well say something. I'm usually totally apolitical, because I don't really care. A government is a government, and the government is supposed to be there to protect the people, build the nation and generally make things happen.
A government, one way or another, is meant to keep the peace, uphold justice, make education work. When it comes down to political parties, to me, it's just who does a better job, and who does a sloppy one. I don't know how to put this right, but a government is meant to govern.

Basically, to make sure things work. So you can have a lousy government, or a good one. It's just whether things work better or worse. From my point of view, it's just supposed to BE there. I don't really care who is there, as long as the job gets done.

Now, what has really irked me about this campaign is the heavy-handed tactics the current ruling party seems to be using. I don't know what they're getting at, but the way their slogans run, from the banners to the radio adverts, the idea that gets across is this: vote for us, or else.
Is that meant to be a threat?
Or else what? Whose to say that the opposition can't do a good job as well? Who's to say that if the opposition wins, we won't have stability and peace of mind? (Unless of course, they are intending to "do something about it" which shows up their utter immaturity!)
Or maybe they just need better PR. Yeah. They really need better PR. Because they're coming across as old-fashioned, male chauvinistic, fanatical idiots.

On the other hand, all I'm hearing from the other side, is to deny them the two thirds. Deny them the two thirds. It doesn't matter who you vote for, as long as you deny them that two thirds.
Again, maybe I'm also just getting it wrong (because I'm not one to seek out the info, and go to the talks), but to the general uninterested public, they're not really putting up any good argument. All I seem to hear is this: they're doing a lousy job so just make sure they get kicked out.
What then? Who's the alternative? What options are you giving us? What if this snowballs so much that we totally swing around and put into power a bunch of people who have been working so hard to "get there" that they don't even know where they are? Are they really prepared for it?

Actually, the main thing that irks me about politics in general is the fact that everyone seems to come across as squabbling little children, out to get the best for themselves. Which is totally against the spirit of the whole thing, which is to get the best out of everyone, so that we can get the best for the nation, and indirectly, who knows, maybe get something good for ourselves too.

Efficiency. That's the word. It's just something we don't have.

But yeah, the spleen is spent, and like I said, I don't really care. I guess I shouldn't be that way, but I think this is just one of those things that I just don't get.

So we wait.

flight

I was seriously considering going to Australia. Fly away, and join my siblings in Adelaide. I was serious about it. Life is good there. You work three clients a year (compared to my five in about two months), and don't have to work over time. You get a nice office space. You get people speaking to you in English, and not in some ching-chong-chiang. You get people dedicated to what they're doing, and in doing it right. So they say.

But somehow, it feels wrong.
It feels like I'm running away again.
Running from work that can never be finished. Running from my ministry, or from my failure thereof. Running from the boy I thought I could love, but who couldn't love me the way I needed. Running from the character that God's trying to build in me.
But that's all I'm good at - running away. Escapism in its finest form.

So it doesn't feel right to go.
Not now.

I hope I'm not wrong about this.

thought:

Maybe it's time to stop looking for the man of your dreams, but to strive to become the woman of his dreams.
Except maybe if he's looking for a gourmet chef.

"so as soon as he can cope with a situation, you move him to one he can't cope with. Doesn't he get any rest?"
---Ender's Game, Orson Scott Card.

Uhuh.

broken

And so is the only way to break this result-oriented mindset to make nothing ever work out?
Drive home the point that it isn't the results that matter. I believe you.
But sometimes I need to see that it's worth doing in the end.
The words aren't coming out the way I intended them, but then again they never do. I don't know why I'm so good with words, but only when it doesn't really matter.

I am afraid of failure - so you let me fail.
Just so you can tell me that it isn't such an issue, and all you want is who I am, that all I can do is nothing compared to all you can.
And it doesn't matter.
Only it still matters to me.
Because sometimes I feel that praying hard doesn't work when all I hoped for doesn't come through in the end.

So I need you to hold my hand.
Because I'm slipping where I should not fall.
And all I've expected of myself is shattered where I cannot find the pieces.
In the dark.

Not tried more than I can bear, but I can't find the exit for this one.
It's like a never-ending maze.
I can't find where you begin.
And every time I piece it together, it slips apart again.

Haven't found you.
Not yet.
Why?

I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

So drive home the point that results don't matter.
Because I'm feeling you, and somewhere, something's right.

rambling dissertation

To step forward in faith, in love and in truth.
To take life by the reigns.
To do that which is necessary.

Of necessity.

Why?
Because there are so many things that I am willing to do, that willingness is not the issue.
The issue is whether I am capable of doing it.

The funny thing is, in lots of hero fiction, the idea is that if you volunteer rather than are volunteered it totally proves the fact that you are not right for the job of heroship. If it has popped up so many times does that mean there's some truth in it?

What I'm getting at, nonsequentially, is really this.
I know what needs to be done, and for what purpose.
I know mentally that I most probably can do it. With help.
I also know that I want to do it. It's my reasonable response.
But I also know in an emotional/spiritual sense that this is going to be very. very. hard.

On a side issue, I was reading one of those long discussions on "does God exist" (which miraculously always devolves into Christianity vs Atheism - I mean why not Islam vs Atheism then? Obviously only Christianity is the real threat) and my personal view on the matter is this:

If He didn't exist, this would be a non-issue.

The question wouldn't even have been raised. I mean, the only reason anyone really argues or defends themselves over any statement is really because they feel the need to prove themselves right. And usually one only needs to prove one's self right when there's something that tells you you're wrong.

But I am neither theologian nor apologist. So I shall not get involved.

And there is a classic example of distractionism. Or escapism.

So it comes back to the simple fact that
1) It is necessary.
2) It is yours.

as opposed to:
ibloodywelldon'twanttodoitbecausei'mnotpreparedandi'mnotaleaderandidon'twanttobealeaderanddoyouthinkthatifyoucouldpossiblygetaguy todoitandijustfollowalongandsortofassisthimbehindthescenesthatwillworkoutbetterandnotstressmeoutsomuchandnotmakemego...spare?

In a nutshell.

For: GOD SAYS YOU
Against: ME SAYS someone else... please?

And so yes, it's a question of willingness, but no, it is also not because I have already made up my mind and heart to do it.
It's just a question of making the flesh follow along.

And the people will come.

Because HE has said so.

If only I could hold on to that thought until they actually do show up.

It is necessary. And it is you.

*Sigh*

That settles it doesn't it?

Christmas blues

I've been having a good old pity party with Simeon. He was worried that I thought Christmas was all about presents. But when you drill down to it, Christmas isn't the issue. I suppose these lyrics contain it all:

"I Hate Christmas Parties" by Relient K
[Verse]
I hope it snows this week,
A snow flake on your cheek
Would make this Christmas so Beautiful
But that would just bring the pain
Cause things can’t stay the same
These Holidays won’t be wonderful

[Chorus]
I look under the tree
But there’s nothing to see
Cause it’s a broken heart that you’re giving me
I can’t figure you out
Is this what Christmas is all about
Cause it’s a broken heart that you’re giving me

[Verse 2]
I don’t wanna talk
I’m sick of all this talking
A broken heart wrapped up in a Box
This tear drops in my stocking

[Bridge]
I hate Christmas parties,
They offer me some punch,
But I just shrug
I hate Christmas parties
You and the cookie
Tray hear me say "Ba! Humbug"

But yes, besides birthdays, Christmas is one of the most depressing times of the year for a sensitive introvert. It's when you evaluate the friendships you've made, kept and lost over the year. And you start to wonder, "what could I have done better to make it right?" with a sinking feeling that it's all too late.

Sometimes it's alright because you realise that you've made new friends, and kept them. Most times it's not alright because you wonder why everyone else seems to be having so much fun without you.

Maybe it shouldn't matter so much. But it does.

And maybe this is where I launch into the whole "expectations" spiel that I intended to write at about in September but never did. Maybe this is where I say that if you don't expect anything, you'd be far better off because you won't be disappointed. You might even be pleasantly surprised.

Or maybe this is where I just need to sit back, relax and take things slowly. To take things a day at a time and not think too far into the future, or try to preempt what may happen, or may not. Dreams may be good and all, but sometimes it's also good not to think too far ahead.

Overthinking does me in. So does double-guessing. Maybe I just need to get out more.

(And I don't know why the font sizes are so whacked out)

reflection

2007 hasn't exactly turned out as I wished. It's as if the year has rolled past so fast that I haven't been able to sit down and take a breath.

It started off well enough, I suppose, with a big dream, and an excitement for things to come. But I suppose reality caught up somewhere in between working and writing and trying to kick start CAM. Life and busyness caught up and slammed doors shut. I had this random line in my head while driving yesterday:

Dreams not shattered, merely shelved

Which is true. My dreams haven't shattered. They haven't scattered or broken into pieces. It's not as if it's been spectacularly dashed, and can't be repaired. It's more like the dreams have been wrapped in gauzy paper and placed lovingly, caringly on the highest shelf in the highest cupboard, like a prize trophy.
Either that, or it's merely been slowly buried under layers and layers of depression and hopelessness.
Still intact, but not quite there. Not quite accessible.

I don't know what I was expecting. Did I think that everything would be peachy and work out straight away? No, I didn't. But it's just piled up. And drifted. Like putting a pea in the middle of the road, and then the snow just slowly covers it. Nothing dramatic. Just little by little, it's being buried.

But seeds need to be buried to grow. I hope. I don't know. I just don't want it to end here, on this note. Something needs to change.

Fundamentally, I need to do something about my life.
To be painfully honest, I'm drifting. I'm unfocused. Life is passing by. I still can't believe it's already December and I haven't done anything really worthwhile. I have said a lot of things. But saying isn't doing and things don't get done by themselves. Am I being overly emphatic on doing?
To be even more painfully honest, I don't know who or what I am! I have a vague idea of where I want to go, but no clue as to how to get there. Certain "givens" and "foundations" have been shaken and I find myself wondering, now what?

So now what?

Learning to simply BE. I need to BE without DOING. It may help with the guilt trip and the depression. It may really help to simply understand and hold on to the fact that God loves me anyway. Even when I feel that everything I have tried to do has failed. Or that everything I have ever wanted to do is totally pointless.

I mean, when it really comes down to it, what's the point of all this singing and acting and dancing? It's not as if no one else can sing and act and dance. It's not as if no one else can put on a bloody good show. It's not as if I can or know how to do any of this better than any one else in the world. (I probably know less)
It's just that... maybe one song in the right place, or one play at the right time, or one dance to the right words may touch someone in a way that nothing else can, and open a door to a heart that's run dry. And maybe, that will be the way for Love to rush in.

I don't think I've quite figured out my faith and belief just yet. I know I believe, don't worry about that. It's just that I don't quite know how. I don't know how to define it, and that bugs me. It bugs me because I can't put it into words, and it's words that hold me together most times.
Sometimes I'm afraid to share because I don't know how to tell you what I believe without thinking that the moment it comes out of my mouth it will sound silly and absurd. There are so many things I'm still mucking about with that if you ask me, I'll just have to tell you that I seriously don't know. Maybe if I can pluck up the courage, I'll write it down. I'll write it down so hard and assuredly that you'll just know and I'll just believe.

But for now.

It's been a year of moderate highs and very deep lows.
I'll just need to climb out of this one soon.

a vent

Pent up inside
Breaking through
I wish I could say
I LOVE YOU!

---

If God were my boyfriend, I think He would be dismally disappointed (that doesn't sound quite right) with the amount of time and effort I lavish on Him. I mean, Sundays. Saturdays, sometimes grudgingly. A flip through the Bible when I feel like it, or when I'm not too half-asleep. If God were a guy, He would have given up on me a long time ago for not being interested enough.
But He doesn't let go, does He?
I feel Sunday's going to be great, even if she changed my songs again. (Or rather forced me to change it.) I wonder if she does this to others or just to me? Grrrr....

a love poem

To slip my hand in yours
Watching that smile on your face
As you dream your dreams
Spread your wings
And find your God-given place

To slip my hand in yours
As we take steps into the unknown
Where we'll dance and sing
And vibrance bring
To where the Lord has shown

To slip my hand in yours
With our eyes firmly fixed on Him
To bring the stage
Through culture and age
While on Him we lean

---

I would be your ministry partner, your dance partner, your acting consort and duet, if you would have me.

11 Nov

Dear God,
It has been a while.
A long while.
I don't know why, I don't know where and I don't know how.
There are simply no words to say, and simply nothing I can do to make it better.
I am distracted. You know why. Couldn't you make it any clearer or am I not reading you right? Am I so caught up that I can't tell the difference anymore?
You work wonders, I know.
Only, the wonder I'm truly waiting for just seems to tantalizingly out of my reach.
I don't want to make the first move. I don't think I should. But all the same, I wish I could. Am I merely being afraid of nothing?
Is this even right?
Sometimes I feel like I can't function anymore.
There needs to be something more concrete than this... living life.
I feel like running away, running and running and never coming back. I'm not handling this right.
I don't think I will ever understand it.
Maybe I'm just not sleeping enough.
I don't want to go on Sat. Not only because I have other plans, but because of what they want to talk about. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to hear about it.
I'm still in avoidance mode, and I know it.
Something's got to give, but I don't know what. I've said this before. But everytime something gives, something else takes it place.
When will this ever end?
I'm tired.
Frustrated.
I wish you could just be here.
Hold me.
Let me know it's going to be okay.
Good night. I'm too tired. I ache all over.
But he was nice today.
And you were good.
So I shall rest happy.
At least.

Yours,
me.

depressed

What is it about You that makes me want to run?
What is it about Your words that makes me afraid?
I don't want to know. I don't want to know. Idon'twannadon'twannadon'twannaknowknowknowknowknow
What don't I want to know?

I don't want to confront myself.
To see the ugliness I know hides inside.
All the things I should have, could have changed, but haven't.
All the things I should have, could have done, but haven't.

I identify with Moses. I'm frustrated.
I don't know if I'm in the right place, with the right people, at the right time. All I see is the low level of commitment, the idiocy of the people and their irresponsibility.
Kill me, I'm being judgemental. But I can't stand it, and I don't want to care anymore.

Can't I not care any more?
Can't I not feel hurt?
Why do I have to bother to try and gather to let them just... just... ignore me?
Why is this important to me? The church has survived without it for this long, it can go on surviving without it for much longer. It's not like they care, it's not like they want it.

Am I pushing my own agenda onto the Church?

Am I moving too fast in all the wrong places?
Am I even in the right place?

questions

Why all the knee-jerk reaction and back lash? What are you still trying to deny or avoid?
Where once there was surety and certainty, you have let your doubts and anxieties seep through to colour your lenses. Think again: is it God, or is it you?
Are you trying to run again, where you've always scattered and fallen?
Or will you pick yourself up, steel your nerves and carry on?
Like the bulldozer you are. And your father before you.
To push through.
To break through.

the church

The question is: is it fundamentally a problem with ME, or a problem with the church?

Does everyone, at one point or another, feel that church just isn’t the be-all and end-all of Christian life? What happens if you decide to leave the church? Or change churches?

I’ve come to a realisation that I actually do not have anything much to tie me to the church I’m in. I have friends, yes. I have acquaintances. I am involved, certainly. The thing is, I don’t know if it’s a fundamentally “me” problem, or if it’s a problem with the church, that causes me not to really bond or belong. It struck me on Sunday that I could just decide to leave, and not feel any emotional pangs or attachment to where I’ve been all these years. What happened?

The people I’ve grown up with have either moved away (permanently or temporarily) or our friendships have drifted apart somewhat. Then again, we never really had that close a friendship in the first place.

The one main bond I had that identified me strongly with the church I’m in was the fact that I was a PK – one of THE PKs. But now all that’s changed – or rather, is in the state of changing.

And there it is again. That thought. I could now, just leave silently, quietly, disappear. And I doubt I’d feel a thing. They may feel it, for a while. But then it would be nothing personal. It wouldn’t be the loss of a close friend, or a close working relationship. It would be just one less singer. One less worship leader. One less actor for a church that doesn’t do drama anyway.

I might have been sad about leaving the CAM, but it’s barely started anyway. There’s no fire. There are no passionate people. It feels like a one woman show. Just me, attempting again, where I once failed. And it may be a bad way to try to start something, but despite the hope and the passion, I have doubts that it will amount to much. I have doubts as to whether the church wants what I have to offer. I have doubts as to whether the people in the church care about what I’m trying to do.

It may really be a problem with me. I don’t fit in. I don’t stand out either. Nobody remembers those who don’t fit. And nobody remembers those who don’t stand out. To a certain extent, I have never really fit into any of the churches I’ve been in. Then again, where I have really belonged has been the CF. They have been a company of peers who have accepted, and made do, and pushed along.

He says not to forsake the company of the saints and the gathering together. Does it make a difference where you gather? It could be in this church, or another.

Would it seriously make a difference if I went or stayed?

The only holding me back right now is, as always, the responsibilities I have taken upon myself for the things I have committed to do.

But how long can mere responsibility tie me to a place I don’t really feel a part of?

sloppy living

What can you say when you see your friend falling apart? If I had the faith enough for the two of us, I'd offer him some, but I don't.
I don't understand life either, and I don't understand his problem. All I can offer is to listen and try not to condemn him.
I don't condemn him, but sometimes I feel like I would just like to give him a big slap - which won't do anything for him. I'd just feel a little better. This is why I'm not cut out to be a counselor and why I don't intend to be one.
But seriously - is there anything to say when someone has made up his mind not to care about the consequences of careless living? Is there anything to say when someone has deliberately decided to NOT live a life that is pleasing to God? It's not that he's stopped believing. He says that he does believe. But he just can't handle life as it is. Or maybe he just doesn't want to.
Or do I really mean 'a life that is pleasing to man'? The way we are supposed to live and act are so defined by culture and norms anyway, that maybe all that he's stopped doing is catering to man's expectations.

I've come to realise that I've been living incredibly sloppily for the past year. (To be seriously honest, for the whole of my life would be more like it.) I've been sloppy in my work... sloppy in the way I do things... extremely sloppy with spiritual disciplines... even sloppy with the things I love to do best - drama and writing!
This really has to change.
And it's going to.

To do only that which is necessary.
God, help me know what is necessary.

necessities

The theme that has been playing in my head has been this:

to do only that which is necessary

What does this mean?
It means that I have to start stream-lining my activities, and cutting down on idle time. It means that I must start to refocus my energies, my thoughts, my activities and all that defines me at this point of time, to that which is necessary - to that which is needful and useful for the Kingdom.

Amazingly, just thinking about this has started to bear fruit. I have cut down on some internet time, cut down on day-dreaming... neglected my poor script frenzy play...
and we are going to start promoting CAM in the church. We are going to start with YA. We are starting to move.

To do only that which is necessary. I need to stop wasting time.
Time is precious.
Time is life.
Life is precious.

write

Write it down.
But I can't.
It's all stuck up there
in my brain
and won't come out.

I don't know what I'm feeling
I don't know what I want
I don't know how to write it down

How do you put into words
Things that are unspeakable?
My heart is full
But I can't tell you what it's saying

Write it down
But I can't
I don't know how
to put into words
these thoughts

provocateur?

...You have been provoked much in the faith... you will be one who provokes others... a provocateur... you're so special... When God made you, he threw away the mold... God's put you on a pedestal... it's really not you... but you've become comfortable there... you're wondering what you're doing here...

I don't want to be here.
The pedestal doesn't belong to me. Only to You.
I don't want to be comfortable here.

Why provoke? You know I hate a fight. It makes me upset. It's hard. I don't like it.

I don't understand Your purposes.

And yet, not my will, but Yours be done.

enough

Far too much
My hands won't hold
Dreams too large
For my eyes to behold

My heart's not large enough
To hold all You will
And yet,
Let me be what You want me to be

You've given too much!
I can't handle all
that You want
All that You've said
All that You've given
Unless You handle it for me.

My hands won't hold
they're not strong enough.
My heart won't hold
it's not large enough
and yet You are enough
You are enough
Yes, You are.

Are these dreams of You?
But where else would they come from?
If You've birthed them, Lord,
You carry them through.
You pull them forth.
You wean them.
Nurture them.
I cannot.
Cannot.
Not without You.

Take them.
Use them as You will.

I am deathly afraid.
You are too big for me.
At times, I am too big for me.
I was not made for big things.
I am too afraid.

And yet,
Take me.
I will.
As You will.

PRAY

I know what you're trying to say.
I just don't know how to start.
I know.
I know.
I've known for a long time.
You've said it so many times. It just sometimes doesn't seem the easiest thing to do.
But I'll try. I'll start.
I need You to move.

IMPortant.
I Must Pray.
In Much Prayer.

Me, Head of Creative Arts and Dance?

That's what it says right there.

FGA Centre
Central Zone
Ministry: Creative Arts and Dance
Ministry Head: Anna Tan

WOW.

I'm struggling between two visions. "Bringing LIFE to the Word" per fireBRANDS D2 team, or "redeeming the arts for Christ."

I need a mission statement.

I need a core group.

This is troublesome, but trouble is GOOD. It's when I feel like I'm digging a hole to bury myself is when I also feel that I'm doing the most, and the best, for God. Or maybe I just like that "frantic" feeling. =)

I need to get out of cruise control. I need to stop this drift. I don't know where the drift is heading, but the drifting is getting bad.
FLEE THIS CREEPING COMPLACENCY!

The question I have is this: But do I know how to birth this dream?
I don't.
But He does.
And that is enough.

Who.What.How.

*dance like no one's watching*

I say, "Dive like you won't drown."

Hello, God.

It's me again. It has been a rather good day today, hasn't it? Irregardless. You know. =)

Somehow, it's nice to know that there are still people around me that I can really relate to. Thank you for the good people in my life.

Just to let you know, I'm still waiting.

Bring him soon, okay? =)

Good night.

anna.

passion

What happens to passion forgotten? Does it lie hidden under the trappings of life to emerge one fine day, pressing enough to move you?

What happens to passion ignored? Does it bury itself deeper and deeper into your psych until you throw up your hands and say 'I'll do it or I'll go crazy trying'?

What happens to passion cradled? Does it pull you apart as you try to balance life, and love, and work?

What happens to passion replaced? Does it make you wake up one day, regretting the time wasted on everything else?

What happens to passion? If it is not nurtured and worked on, encouraged to grow, you will forget, and you will replace, and you will wake up regretting.

I stand on the cusp of moving or breaking. I don't know how to press forward. But I can't go back. I can only go. Or fall. And I don't know how.

Drawing Near, Chapter One

"Draw near to God and He will draw near to you."

What if...
I haven't been listening?
He's been calling me and I haven't answered?
He was passing by and I did not cry out?

Maybe that's why I am where I am now. "between the lines of fear and blame"
The first step is, as always, to decide and will to draw near again. To seek. To pursue. To not let Him go.

Therefore we ought to give the more earnest heed to the things which we have heard, lest at any time we should let them slip.
Hebrews 2:1

Don't you think it's time to get back on track?

---

[3 December 2006]

IS this not the season?
Is this not the time to rise up in faith and obedience?
Is this not the time to press forward with the vision He has imparted?

THE TIME OF WAITING IS OVER.
The time of hiding has passed.

NOW pursue in faith and prayer, seeking to do His will in its perfect time.
New beginnings and the birthing of a vision will take time and hard work. It will not happen over days, weeks or months, but over a span of YEARS.
But it will not fail.

BELIEVE that this will be the first year in a span of many, the first birthing year for the laying of the vision, the communication of the plan and the gathering of the people.

There may be no fruits. There may be failures, tears and trials. But YOU have been anointed and commissioned by the prayers of the saints, the laying on of hands and the anointing of oil and if you hold on to that anointing, believing in faith and without doubt, you will see these things come to pass.

You will see songs of worship raised in fragrance to heaven.
You will see dances of praise choreographed for His glory.
You will see life-changing dramas written and acted that will speak truth to the nations.
You will see your words and books that will impact a generation through story.

And all this will be accomplished through God working in you and through you, with perseverance in prayer and intimacy in love; when you have lost yourself in His eyes of mercy and grace and found yourself as His child and beloved.

---

believe

receive

delight

a thought:

hidden.
Have they died?

of love

Love Will Make You Beautiful Lyrics
Artist(Band):The Afters

Time is slipping away
Days go by, fade away
With one eye opened, one closed
I think you know
Love will make you beautiful
Love will make you beautiful
Thoughts swirl, spinning around
Weary, falling down
When out of the darkness a hand
Reach out
Hold fast

~Chorus~
Love will make you beautiful
Love will make you beautiful

Turn round this time
Love is there to find
Lift your head and see
Open up your eyes
Love will make you beautiful
Love will make you beautiful

---
God, make me beautiful?

Hello, God.

It's been a while, hasn't it?
I cleared off some books today - passed them over to Sam - and in doing so, I found the old prophecies that I wrote down. And (coincidentally?) I finally finished that book Deb bought me. Guess what both were talking about today?
Haha, you don't have to guess, right? Yeah, you know. Faith.

Faith, that old contentious issue.

It's one of those things I know and yet, I don't know because I just don't get it. Well. It seems clearer now, a little.

Anyway, yeah, faith.

I'll find it.

I'll find you.

Thank you.

Just Feel Better - Santana

She said I feel stranded
And I can't tell anymore
If I'm coming or I'm going
It's not how I planned it
I've got a key to the door
But it just won't open

And I know, I know, I know
Part of me says let it go
That life happens for a reason
I don't, I don't, I don't
Because it never worked before
But this time, this time

I'm gonna try anything to just feel better
Tell me what to do
You know I can't see through the haze around me
And I do anything to just feel better

And I can't find my way
Girl I need a change
And I do anything to just feel better
Any little thing that just feel better

She said I need you to hold me
I'm a little far from the shore
And I'm afraid of sinking
You're the only one who knows me
And who doesn't ignore
That my soul is weeping

I know, I know, I know
Part of me says let it go
Everything must have a season
Round and round it goes
And every day's the one before
But this time, this time

I'm gonna try anything that just feels better
Tell me what to do
You know I can't see through the haze around me
And I do anything to just feel better

I can't find my way
God I need a change
And I'd do anything to just feel better
Any little thing that just feel better

I'm tired of holding on
To all the things I ought to leave behind, yeah
It's really getting old, and
I think I need a little help this time!

Yeah

[Guitar solo]

I'm gonna try anything to just feel better
Tell me what to do
You know I can't see through the haze around me
And I do anything to just feel better

And I can't find my way
God I need a change
And I do anything to just feel better
Any little thing that just feel better

---

It's kind of sad, but this is seeming to be my theme song for the week. But I like the way he sings "I'm tired of holding on / To all the things I ought to leave behind, yeah / It's really getting old, and
I think I need a little help this time!"

I would have never expected to find this gem of a verse from a Santana song. I didn't even expect this song to be by Santana! I'd heard it on the radio, and liked it but couldn't catch the artist or song title. So I googled it. Using whatever part of the lyrics I could remember.

Meaningful.
For now.

Sir!

Dear Sir,

I would like to tell you how much I respect you. You are bigger and greater than I can imagine. I wouldn't know how else to address you, except "Sir". I suppose it's an honorific that has fallen largely out of use, but it still holds the same amount of love, respect and honour in my heart.
I remember reading in those old story books where children would address their fathers as "Sir", and you are my Father. It is not a word to use lightly, and I hope I do not do so. I would not dishonour you, or your name.
They say your spirit abides with us, Sir, and I would like to thank you for this friend and helper that you have sent to us. I hope to be able to get to know him better, and that he would be able to give me fresh insights into your nature and character.
This will have to be a short letter, Sir.
Until next time,
I remain,

your child.